I've been living abroad for many years, having escaped from home, from my parents' care -- especially my dad, which I have never gotten along with since I was 18. I made a serious conversation with them a few days ago, and it was remarkable to see that my dad was still singing the same old song to me. The song that always made me feel uneasy. He never listens, jumps to his own conclusions, and puts very little effort in trying to understand complex emotions. He's an engineer and I always thought his profession had made him a very poor at human psychology.
So does this really mean that after all those years, nothing has changed about him? He's now aging and became slightly more self-righteous, somewhat jealous of me, cantankerous, and often shouting at my mother.
I'd have thought after all those years, his personality might have mellowed a bit, but I'm not really sure. Maybe the brain development really stops after a certain age, or doesn't get more flexible from a certain baseline in terms of emotional development.
I also noticed that he became more politically conservative and hearing him no longer criticizing government's disastrous decisions --- for a man in his youth, was quite left-wing and raised us in that fashion.
I'm a male and I've never had a good relationship with my father since I was 18 and saw that I won't be the kind of man he wants me to be. Now I fear that our relationship, rather than improving, is going to get even more worse with him aging.
In addition, my first language is now English. My dad is living in a non-English speaking culture, and everytime I converse him with our native tongue, I hear him scolding that same 17 old teenager I was, who hated him for who he was. No evolution on his part ever since.
This is goddamn complex and annoying. I know that I have to cut him some slack, be easy on him, and follow my own path, but why do I feel like he still exerts so much power on me and still makes me feel uneasy?
Any input would be appreciated.
You say you feel like a 17 year old when you are around him, it will be up to you to analyze and understand why you feel that way and devise ways to cope. Why would you expect years alone to make him a different person? Some wines may mellow with age, but may others turn to vinegar!
At other times he was so wise and kind. Around age 75, he started saying, "Well, you just can't tell other people what to do." The first time he said that I almost fainted! He always told us what to do! After that he would still express his opinion, but then reluctantly back off.
MarcAnthony, I recommend a "game" called Dysfunctional Family Bingo. Google it. You can change your reactions by expecting Dad to say what he always says, and laughing to yourself about it. I hope you have siblings or a spouse or children who can help you find reasons to laugh, because he ain't never gonna change. Some folks mellow, but others get more afraid and more stubborn and critical.
Also try compassion. Isn't he a pitiful old guy who can't do 10% of what he could? Think of him as a helpless child or wounded animal, striking out in fear and pain. Don't let him "bite" you, but try to remember whatever good times there were in the past. Redirect him from criticism by asking about his past. "What were you doing at my age?" "Whatever happened to your brother?"
Dealing with parents is sssoooo hard. Good luck.
I think we all want perfect parents, but part of maturing is to see your parents in the fullness of their being. My dad and mom weren't perfect, but they did the best they could with the upbringing they had and their own personalities. I can now accept that and love them for who they are - warts and all. I hope you can come to that place with your dad. Look for what there is to admire about him. Obviously he raised a caring and intelligent son, so he did something right!
Curious what kind of relationship did your father have with his own father? I know my mother's political views she learned from her own parents and she wouldn't change. As I became an adult I also held her views until I got older and finally formed my own opinion which is different from hers, yet similar to my Dad's :)
Your father is a unique individual. He is not representative of the "aging process." He is what his genes and his experiences and his decisions have made him. He is who he is. He may "mellow" a little (my father did) or he may cling more closely to his familiar life view. But he is basically who he has always been.
I don't think you can change him, but you can change how you react to him. You are no longer seventeen.
Roses have thorns