My in-laws went into AL in October 2020 and were relatively happy. Jan 2022 he broke his hip, had to go to skilled. March 2022 she broke hers, had to join him. She had been fairly clear cognitively until then, now she has good and bad days, she doesn't remember pretty much the last 5 years, she thinks she went straight from her own home to where she is now. He passed away in June, and she doesn't understand why she needs to stay, she thinks they were only there for him.
She has lung cancer, is on a lot of meds, and now has mild dementia. She cries every time we visit and talk to her that she hates it there, and insists she can live on her own in an apartment. This is not an option.
I don't know if moving her to another facility would help or not, we think she'll be unhappy in any facility, but then again maybe not being in the same one where he died might help?
Thoughts?
Is her cancer such that her death is coming relatively soon, or is she mostly rehabbed from the hip and just in there taking lots of pills? Memory care might be a better option for her if it's a facility that have different levels of care where the more highly-functioning people have different activities than the lower-functioning ones. Be sure you have one that will care for her through the end of her life.
My mother was in a wheelchair, had heart failure, was nearly blind from macular degeneration, and mostly deaf -- all in addition to her dementia issues -- and she did very well in memory care. She improved vastly after leaving skilled nursing, too, because the focus was on mental stimulation and having things to do, rather than being "sick." They got her up and dressed every morning, got her out to the common room for breakfast, and she didn't go back to her room unless she had to go to the bathroom or be changed (later). They had activities all day long, and she received a ton of attention from the caregivers, because that's the focus. She eventually went on hospice there, and she had twice the attention because the hospice nurse was coming a couple times each week, and she died peacefully there.
It was a good decision to move her.
Other much more relevant factors are likely to be her progressive dementia, effects of a anesthesia during hip surgery, and the inevitable toxicity of the drug load she must take for her other issues.
Assuming that her PCP has done everything to help her manage the “lot of meds” she is taking, have you asked for a trial of an anti depressant and/or anti anxiety medication?
The likelihood that a major shift in her care setting would be helpful is pretty low, but depression can and does certainly occur as part of dementia. Maybe give that a try?
Is there a MC option where she is currently? If so maybe a "visit" for some activity and getting to know people. Try that for a few days and see how she adjusts.
And...because it is me and I am such an advocate...Is MIL on Hospice? If not you might want to see if whoever is her POA would consider having her evaluated to see if she qualifies, she most likely would, she would have a Hospice Nurse come see her 1 time a week, a Hospice CNA come do bath and order supplies. (the SKF CNA would no longer do her bath) but you would have all the supplies you need provided (briefs, wipes, gloves, ointments, etc..) and you would have the option of having a Volunteer visit her 1 time a week and if available music or art therapy if she/you wish.
After time in an AL, money ran out and I had to place Mom in LTC. I requested she not be left in her room all day. So Mom spent her time in the common room. There were activities every afternoon. Either playing games or watching a movie. There were special aides that their only job was the common area. Mom was in a wheelchair but able to scoot wherever she wanted to go. It had a large sitting area that looked like someone's livingroom that vistors could take the residents. A gazebo outside where the lawn was landscaped. Even had a small vegetable garden for the residents to work in that could. The residents were clean and happy.
So maybe tour some of the other facilities in the area and see if things would be better.
The goal is to get MIL involved in activities where she's at, involved with other residents and out of her room. Is that happening, or is she staying in her room all day with too much time to think? My mother was in both Skilled Nursing and Memory Care; the SNF was for rehab for about a month and Memory Care was long term for nearly 3 years. She was okay in both places for one reason: b/c she got OUT of her room and went to the activities, meals, movies and other things that were offered in BOTH locations. Both environments were similar except the Memory Care ALF was much smaller, and her room was nicer (no roommate in either place). The ALF was homier; she was able to get to know the staff on a personal level and she made a few friends there too; the routine was constant every day and the care was excellent (in both locations, actually).
Go tour a few Memory Care ALFs and see if MIL would be qualified to live there, IF she has the funds to private pay. See what you think and if you feel she'd be happier in a Memory Care or if she'd just be complaining the exact same way about wanting to live alone, etc. Many elders just reminisce about wanting to go back in TIME to when they were younger and healthier and living independently, which is no longer feasible. THAT situation cannot be recreated for them, no matter what you do.
Best of luck.
We know a couple of the aides there are really good about trying to get her to get out of her room and go to activities, but not all of them do and I think on those days she just sits in her room.
I ask in all seriousness… why aren’t you volunteering to care for these people that you insist will be killed in nursing homes? If you have a job and a house, why not quit your job, sell the house, and move to wherever these poor souls are? Or at the very least, pay for their care so they can remain at home? Why will you not step up?
Please stop with this anti-med, anti-facility rhetoric. It’s fine if you think all facilities and meds are all part of a sinister plot to kill old people. It makes no sense at all, but no one can stop you from believing that.
What is NOT fine is blaming meds and facilities for anyone’s problems here. You are spouting fallacy after fallacy and it is not helping anyone.
I would never expect happiness from anyone who is suffering with a terminal disease and forced to live in an institution. I watched my mother die of lung cancer (who refused Hospice) and that's why I'm opting for the Death with Dignity program so that I can be in control of when and where.
Let the professionals help her deal with the 5 Stages of Grief with heavy doses of relief. Blessings.
Is she is a Memory Care unit or is she truly in Assisted Living? Why does she cry when you visit? What about it does she hate?
Try to see if you can "fix" what she hates in her current place. However, it is very, very possible that the place holds too many sad memories for her and you should move her to another place. Yes, she will probably be unhappy in whatever place she is, however, the "unhappy" might be more manageable at a new place.
OP, are you yourself comfortable with this place? Is mil clean, fed, changed regularly? Are her neighbors quiet? If so things could might be a lot worse elsewhere.
Tell mil that the doctor says she has to stay there until she’s better.
Tell her the
I know that there are times when my mother can accept advice from a kind staff member as opposed to me stating certain facts and realities.
I would advise against moving her unless there are blatant issues that are problematic. Changes can be a difficult adjustment. Her husband will still be gone. He can't be erased with a different environment.
I hope you find a solution that fits the needs you all seek.