My 75-year-old MIL, who is showing some mild signs of cognitive impairment, but who is otherwise in excellent health, just informed us that her routine mammogram showed an area of concern.
Last year's mammogram also showed an area of concern which turned out to be nothing. But because she moved to a different state her current radiologist has to wait for her previous radiologist to send last year's results to make compare.
The reason I am posting about this here is because my MIL informed my wife, a breast cancer survivor, about this finding while we are out of the country on a week-long visit to my family, my first to my country of origin in 7 years. We are due to return on Sunday. And my wife is really upset right now, freaked out of her mind that her mom might also have breast cancer and revisiting her own cancer struggle.
I am so upset at my MIL right now. I understand she might have needed to unburden herself, but she has two sisters she is close to could have called. And again we are back in two days. Two days.
And I don't know what to do, if anything, about this. Should I talk to my wife? My MIL? How do I make sure this doesn't happen again? How do I (and should I?) erect some healthy boundaries for myself and my wife? Or do I need to be more compassionate and understanding?
Do nothing. It is already done, already shared. Just reassure your wife that you together will follow up on this, that the likelihood is that this is just a scare, but if not you will all get through it with great support all together. You are masters at this, right? You GOT this!
Her feelings are normal and natural. Yes, too bad it all interrupted the vacation, but it DID and that's done. I hope for the best. You do. Your MIL does, your wife does. And on you go. Medical scares are a part of life, and they have a really peculiar way of interrupting vacations, imho. Good luck. Hope for the best. I am SP 35 years with history of mastectomy with two positive nodes. Cancer is a nasty word; but like other things it can be dealt with and that's done a day at a time.
I think if MIL was of sound mind, she should've waited to discuss this "news" with your wife. Since she isn't, you have to chalk it off to her cognitive impairment. And use this example as a warning for the shenanigans that are yet to come as the dementia progresses. Memory Care Assisted Living is the answer for her, not your home where your wife will be caring for her and the chronic issues 24/7.
I wouldn't speak to your wife or your MIL about this matter but wait until the time is right to talk about future living arrangements for her as she worsens. Make your stand about not wanting houseguests.
I can understand your wife being upset at the news that her mom might have cancer. It's scary news.
But I think, and I might take some flak about this, but her "freaking out of her mind" and "revisiting her own cancer struggle" reactions are a little over the top, especially if her mom has had something like this happen in the past and it's turned out to be nothing of concern.
I know many women who have had breast cancer and have successfully fought it, and none of them have ever "freaked out" to hear of a relative being diagnosed. If anything, they have been pillars of strength and reassurance, having "been there, done that", so to speak.
If your wife is still having such visceral reactions to news like this, maybe she's suffering from a form of PTSD, and should perhaps seek some counseling to help her get through it. Because while her body may be healed of the cancer, her emotions understandably might not be.
When a person has gone through their own fight with cancer, they're entitled to get upset when it's possible their LO may have it.
So, while, yes, that wasn't very kind of MIL's part, and in a week, nothing will really happen--she DID call and I think anyone would agree that the call could have 'held' a few more days.
When I was going through all the dxes of cancer, I told my DH and my best friend. That's all. I didn't need my kids to worry and I wanted to have ALL the salient info before I spoke to them.
Once I had had all the tests and the results and could speak with knowledge about what I was facing, we had a family (with no g-kids present) meeting. 2 of my kids lived out of state, we zoom called them.
Of course they knew something was afoot, they're not dumb--in fact 2 of them are Drs, so I did want them on board.
We had this meeting, talked about what I had already done and what lay ahead. I remember my over-emotional YD crying and almost yelling at me--b/c she was 3,000 miles away and unable to come see me. (During chemo, her best friend came to see me many times and was reporting to my YD how I was doing).
Cancer is super personal--but also affects the whole family. I tried (and think I succeeded) in making it seem 'less than' what it really was. Maybe that's just me, IDK.
There's no point in being upset with your MIL. She wasn't thinking. I got my inital dx when my DH was out of town and I did not tell him until he was home a few days later and I had already had several tests. Again--that's just me.
You don't need to set boundaries, per se. Support your WIFE b/c as mom goes through this, she will be reliving her experience.
Being more compassionate never hurts.
Sorry about this.
I'm so sorry this happened. I agree with MeDolly to let it be between your wife and her own Mother. Maybe what you discuss with your wife is having your MIL given an actual cognitive exam so that you can know exactly what's going on.
Perhaps your wife's phone can be turned off during vacations and other special events or forwarded to your phone.
Treatment for breast cancer will be successful for most people, and the risk of recurrence gets less as time goes on. Recurrence, unfortunately, can happen even many years after treatment, so no one can say with certainty that you're definitely cured.
The 5 yr distant breast cancer survival rate is 30% (for breast cancer that has spread to liver, lungs or other distant body parts)
In answer to your question it’s both, be more compassionate with your wife and file away the timing and alarm from your MIL so you will be prepared the next time. I do think you are especially upset because you are visiting your family for the first time in so long and feel intruded on, perhaps if the two of you were just on vacation somewhere you wouldn’t be so upset. I don’t think your wrong to be upset, I would never do that to my child but I am in my right mind at the moment and in my experience we do tend to panic and hold on to those we love as we loose some of our faculties. If MIL isn’t going down that road yet and you have the kind of relationship with her you could always mention to her how much the news affected your wife and brought back horrible memories and just leave it at that. I don’t think I would even ask her to think twice next time, letting her realize what poor timing and unfair it was but you could if you feel the need. Don’t do it in anger though do it in a supportive, non threatening kind of way.
For now help your wife enjoy the rest of the trip so you can too. Safe travels!
Did she think the two of you were going to fly home immediately?
There isn't even an actual diagnosis yet.
Your MIL called the two of you for no other reason than to ruin your vacation.
My guess is there's probably jealousy on her part because the two of you went somewhere and she wasn't invited. Even if she had no desire to go along, she didn't want you and your wife going.
She sounds very much like my mother. People like this don't actually want to do anything or go anywhere. What they really want and enjoy is just ruining people's plans. Or getting them to cancel a vacation or special celebration. They are in their element when surrounded by long faces and disappointment. Misery loves company.
Yes, you and your wife most certainly should talk to your MIL about this if it turns out that she doesn't have cancer. If she does, then I'd let it go about ruining the vacation.
For the future do not give her a way to directly contact you the next time you and your wife go somewhere.
The two of you could check up on her through a third-party that both of you trust.
There is no need to even speak to her for the duration of time the two of you are away next time. Block her number from your phones temporarily while you are away.
This way there will be no hysterical voicemails or texts. Your third-party friend will contact you if there's an emergency.
These red flags never amounted to anything at all. Just had to go back and have it rechecked and it was nothing. Very stressful nonetheless.
It was emotionally immature for your MIL not to be able to wait two days. But I guess I would cut her a break since you write she is cognitively declining. Otherwise I would not be so charitable.
Why is that emotionally immature? My daughter was away at college, my sister lives a distance from me, my other family all have jobs and lives. I didn't ask anyone to come rushing to my side, but it was nice and comforting to have some support while I waited, even long-distance support.
Every time my husband has had a possible health scare, we have told people right away as well. Maybe my family is just different, but we all have decided we want to know this information sooner rather than later.