My 75-year-old MIL, who is showing some mild signs of cognitive impairment, but who is otherwise in excellent health, just informed us that her routine mammogram showed an area of concern.
Last year's mammogram also showed an area of concern which turned out to be nothing. But because she moved to a different state her current radiologist has to wait for her previous radiologist to send last year's results to make compare.
The reason I am posting about this here is because my MIL informed my wife, a breast cancer survivor, about this finding while we are out of the country on a week-long visit to my family, my first to my country of origin in 7 years. We are due to return on Sunday. And my wife is really upset right now, freaked out of her mind that her mom might also have breast cancer and revisiting her own cancer struggle.
I am so upset at my MIL right now. I understand she might have needed to unburden herself, but she has two sisters she is close to could have called. And again we are back in two days. Two days.
And I don't know what to do, if anything, about this. Should I talk to my wife? My MIL? How do I make sure this doesn't happen again? How do I (and should I?) erect some healthy boundaries for myself and my wife? Or do I need to be more compassionate and understanding?
Sorry about this.
I'm so sorry this happened. I agree with MeDolly to let it be between your wife and her own Mother. Maybe what you discuss with your wife is having your MIL given an actual cognitive exam so that you can know exactly what's going on.
Do nothing. It is already done, already shared. Just reassure your wife that you together will follow up on this, that the likelihood is that this is just a scare, but if not you will all get through it with great support all together. You are masters at this, right? You GOT this!
Her feelings are normal and natural. Yes, too bad it all interrupted the vacation, but it DID and that's done. I hope for the best. You do. Your MIL does, your wife does. And on you go. Medical scares are a part of life, and they have a really peculiar way of interrupting vacations, imho. Good luck. Hope for the best. I am SP 35 years with history of mastectomy with two positive nodes. Cancer is a nasty word; but like other things it can be dealt with and that's done a day at a time.
Wait until your wife wants to move mom into your home. Sounds like you're in for some fun tines ahead. Good luck.
I think if MIL was of sound mind, she should've waited to discuss this "news" with your wife. Since she isn't, you have to chalk it off to her cognitive impairment. And use this example as a warning for the shenanigans that are yet to come as the dementia progresses. Memory Care Assisted Living is the answer for her, not your home where your wife will be caring for her and the chronic issues 24/7.
I wouldn't speak to your wife or your MIL about this matter but wait until the time is right to talk about future living arrangements for her as she worsens. Make your stand about not wanting houseguests.
Now, if there has always been a passive-aggressive, let say, relationship between Mom and wife, then I would say the call was on purpose. My MIL did this to my BIL. He told her he could not make Christmas that year because of job obligations. She then tells him she has breast cancer, which was a lie which she was well known for, lying to get her way. Her GF had breast cancer. So if MIL can be like that, she did it to wreck ur vacation. As said, if last mamo had the same problem, its probably nothing. I am 74 and I would never tell my girls anything until I new for sure. But then if Dementia is involved...
Vent here then let it go and don't add to ur wifes distress. It's a long road ahead just focus on just getting through.
How could you possibly be complain?
Next time travel to a place where you can force your wife to be incommunicado with her loved ones and prohibit her from reading any world news. She might not be happy, but you will have what you want: total control.
I can understand your wife being upset at the news that her mom might have cancer. It's scary news.
But I think, and I might take some flak about this, but her "freaking out of her mind" and "revisiting her own cancer struggle" reactions are a little over the top, especially if her mom has had something like this happen in the past and it's turned out to be nothing of concern.
I know many women who have had breast cancer and have successfully fought it, and none of them have ever "freaked out" to hear of a relative being diagnosed. If anything, they have been pillars of strength and reassurance, having "been there, done that", so to speak.
If your wife is still having such visceral reactions to news like this, maybe she's suffering from a form of PTSD, and should perhaps seek some counseling to help her get through it. Because while her body may be healed of the cancer, her emotions understandably might not be.
When a person has gone through their own fight with cancer, they're entitled to get upset when it's possible their LO may have it.
I’m sorry your wife is upset and your trip has been disrupted. I had a mammogram result like your MIL recently. There are many things that can indicate need for further testing and I agree with you that in all likelihood this won’t be cause for concern. In my case I told my husband, only because I knew he’d want to know. Nobody else.
I suppose your MIL thought your wife would be the right person to receive support from because of her experience with breast cancer. It sounds awful but I guess I can see the thought process. I do think it was the wrong decision considering there is nothing your wife can do but worry right now. I wouldn’t assume she did it to make you guys feel bad about traveling or to influence you to come home now. She probably wasn’t thinking beyond her own need to share and receive sympathy. I wouldn’t say anything to MIL. That makes some people double down on their “victim” mentality and makes you the bad guy. Maybe it would help your wife to talk to her (calmly) about these things. Most people who have to have further testing end up with nothing at all wrong. It’s really your wife who needs the support right now.
I hope you are able to reassure her and continue your trip.
In answer to your question it’s both, be more compassionate with your wife and file away the timing and alarm from your MIL so you will be prepared the next time. I do think you are especially upset because you are visiting your family for the first time in so long and feel intruded on, perhaps if the two of you were just on vacation somewhere you wouldn’t be so upset. I don’t think your wrong to be upset, I would never do that to my child but I am in my right mind at the moment and in my experience we do tend to panic and hold on to those we love as we loose some of our faculties. If MIL isn’t going down that road yet and you have the kind of relationship with her you could always mention to her how much the news affected your wife and brought back horrible memories and just leave it at that. I don’t think I would even ask her to think twice next time, letting her realize what poor timing and unfair it was but you could if you feel the need. Don’t do it in anger though do it in a supportive, non threatening kind of way.
For now help your wife enjoy the rest of the trip so you can too. Safe travels!
Did she think the two of you were going to fly home immediately?
There isn't even an actual diagnosis yet.
Your MIL called the two of you for no other reason than to ruin your vacation.
My guess is there's probably jealousy on her part because the two of you went somewhere and she wasn't invited. Even if she had no desire to go along, she didn't want you and your wife going.
She sounds very much like my mother. People like this don't actually want to do anything or go anywhere. What they really want and enjoy is just ruining people's plans. Or getting them to cancel a vacation or special celebration. They are in their element when surrounded by long faces and disappointment. Misery loves company.
Yes, you and your wife most certainly should talk to your MIL about this if it turns out that she doesn't have cancer. If she does, then I'd let it go about ruining the vacation.
For the future do not give her a way to directly contact you the next time you and your wife go somewhere.
The two of you could check up on her through a third-party that both of you trust.
There is no need to even speak to her for the duration of time the two of you are away next time. Block her number from your phones temporarily while you are away.
This way there will be no hysterical voicemails or texts. Your third-party friend will contact you if there's an emergency.
Did in ruin my vacation? No. I knew it was stage 3 so I was going to be home shortly and she wasn't going to die right now. Did I get mad at my daughter for calling me? No, I am always open for her to call me for any reason. I cannot worry about everything I have to let go and LET GOD. God is in control and after I had my conversation with my mama and daddy and we prayed together we had a peace, everything is fine this is what is going to happen now lets deal with it. So should you be mad at your MIL. No, your wife may relive her struggle but this is not the only time I'm sure. Love your wife and be there as she struggles with this memory - Love your MIL and know that having cancer even if it is a "concern" it's scary and we as family need to just hear them vacation or not. Blessings to you.
Of course your wife hopes her mother does not have cancer and does not need aggressive treament, but her reaction to this development is a bit extreme. Talk to your wife about how scared she must feel and how much you also hope her mother will be fine. Accept that this is her reaction and help her process how you will both help MIL however needed.
It is not realistic or healthy to try to avoid things that upset either one of you. You would rather not have this blip on your long-awaited visit to your home country, but life events need to be dealt with as they happen, not avoided.
Talk to your medical provider.
Contact all medical providers involved with family's medical needs and concerns - get authorization to speak to your wife's mom's MD.
Do as much research as you can (as your med provider may not be as up to date on current research as is available).
Comfort your wife as best you can, telling her you will do your research.
The bottom line is that people are afraid - and afraid of dying.
While it may not be possible to alleviate her fears of dying 'at this moment,' when she is emotionally triggered,
it is a conversation to have at another time (if it might help her - it might not).
To accept what is ... to believe in a representation of 'god' as one understands or believes can calm people down to relax and 'be' - accepting what is or what will be will be. (This is not so easy for people to accept if they have deep rooted fears of dying, although acceptance is certainly a way to maintain a calm / clear head and physically - in all ways - being calm / relaxed as much as possible promotes health and well-being.
Getting / being 'upset' with your MIL now will not serve you to be centered and more available to support your wife. Calm down and let that go -
Be as present with your wife as possible.
Do not make false claims.
Prepare yourself with facts. Tell her you will find out what is going on.
And until then, calm down / distract her as best you can.
So, while, yes, that wasn't very kind of MIL's part, and in a week, nothing will really happen--she DID call and I think anyone would agree that the call could have 'held' a few more days.
When I was going through all the dxes of cancer, I told my DH and my best friend. That's all. I didn't need my kids to worry and I wanted to have ALL the salient info before I spoke to them.
Once I had had all the tests and the results and could speak with knowledge about what I was facing, we had a family (with no g-kids present) meeting. 2 of my kids lived out of state, we zoom called them.
Of course they knew something was afoot, they're not dumb--in fact 2 of them are Drs, so I did want them on board.
We had this meeting, talked about what I had already done and what lay ahead. I remember my over-emotional YD crying and almost yelling at me--b/c she was 3,000 miles away and unable to come see me. (During chemo, her best friend came to see me many times and was reporting to my YD how I was doing).
Cancer is super personal--but also affects the whole family. I tried (and think I succeeded) in making it seem 'less than' what it really was. Maybe that's just me, IDK.
There's no point in being upset with your MIL. She wasn't thinking. I got my inital dx when my DH was out of town and I did not tell him until he was home a few days later and I had already had several tests. Again--that's just me.
You don't need to set boundaries, per se. Support your WIFE b/c as mom goes through this, she will be reliving her experience.
Being more compassionate never hurts.
Perhaps your wife's phone can be turned off during vacations and other special events or forwarded to your phone.
Treatment for breast cancer will be successful for most people, and the risk of recurrence gets less as time goes on. Recurrence, unfortunately, can happen even many years after treatment, so no one can say with certainty that you're definitely cured.
The 5 yr distant breast cancer survival rate is 30% (for breast cancer that has spread to liver, lungs or other distant body parts)
I was scared to death. Your lack of empathy for your MIL bothers me. She, like your wife is facing a hard death.
My advice to you is lovingly ask your MIL to please talk to you about her fears and treatments. Explain to her that it is still too raw for your wife. Then inform yourself about current treatments. You will need the knowledge to help both women.
But in this particular scenario, to my reading, the difference is that the parent is INAPPROPRIATELY reaching to her daughter, rather than a peer. That's not proper, healthy parenting.
OP doesn't say anything about his wife's and her mother's relationship history. Her mother might be a narcissist and/or immature (sure sounds like it to me).
IMO, saying that OP's wife 'needs to be there for her mother' is uninformed and potentially harmful advice.
These red flags never amounted to anything at all. Just had to go back and have it rechecked and it was nothing. Very stressful nonetheless.
It was emotionally immature for your MIL not to be able to wait two days. But I guess I would cut her a break since you write she is cognitively declining. Otherwise I would not be so charitable.
Why is that emotionally immature? My daughter was away at college, my sister lives a distance from me, my other family all have jobs and lives. I didn't ask anyone to come rushing to my side, but it was nice and comforting to have some support while I waited, even long-distance support.
Every time my husband has had a possible health scare, we have told people right away as well. Maybe my family is just different, but we all have decided we want to know this information sooner rather than later.
Question:
1) Do you think it was deliberate? Does she resent your wife getting away and having her own life? Does this sort of fake emergency happen often? Does your wife pick it for what it is?
OR:
2) Is MIL not really a sensible person? Doesn’t realise the effect of a call like this? This is one out of the blue? Calling her sisters would not have helped her?
What you should do depends on which situation you are in. If it’s deliberate, you and your wife need to talk about how to deal with this in the future. It’s a real issue if your MIL is being unreasonable and your wife is falling for it, and it will get worse.
If MIL is just not sensible, perhaps you can both talk to her and set up an emergency place to call. Perhaps to call you if something is wrong, not your wife. Or you wife hands all emergencies on to you. Clearly you will be less upset than your wife, and you may also be the one to work out the best way to handle emergencies.
But to answer your questions:
“How do I make sure this doesn't happen again?” Answer – you can’t.
“ Should I erect some healthy boundaries for myself and my wife?” Answer – you can’t. If MIL and your wife each have a phone, there is no boundary.
“ Do I need to be more compassionate?” Answer – it depends on whether MIL’s actions are deliberate and repeated. In each case, the best you can do is to decide with your wife on a game plan.
This was one of our 'Golden Grandma Rules' passed through generations.
Why add worry to people who are far away? Why wreck their good time?
Exceptions are a death that #1. Was expected & the holdiday-makers clearly informed they wanted to be told or #2. A death/serious accident to very close kin where it was supposed the holiday-makers would want to know asap.
While I would never minimise a breast ca scare, the next steps to an initial scan are usually more scans, then possibly a biopsy scheduled. Could absolutely wait 2 days.
(Personally I have never disclosed any of that until I was at biopsy stage. I have had a relative spread their 'concern' scan stage to all & of course ramped up family worry. I think medical privacy is a very individual choice.)
Anyway. It was done.
People show you who they are.
Your MIL choose her needs to tell over your daughter's peaceful holiday.
Forgive it. But remember it.
Some of the deceased’s family was very judgmental but who cares.
When I was working I had two cats that were my lifeblood (I've never had kids); twice I took (expensive, as you know) international trips; I had a sitter keep them company and take care of them in their own home. The trips are part of my life memory. I absolutely would NOT have wanted to be notified if one or both had died while I was gone. If the recipient of the news can't do anything about it, there's absolutely no reason to ruin their vacation.
When I was young (23), I was in a major car accident. I didn't inform my parents until I was released from the hospital and at home, to tell them that I was safe (but would need surgery in the next week). Calling them from the hospital would have been pointless, and would only cause them to panic and fly around to get to the hospital. Much kinder (and mature) to report the facts once they're known than create panic, for what--to get attention? Yup.
She should have waited until you got home; at her age, she should know better. Also, I'm guessing that MIL absolutely called her other two kids. Your children are NOT your friends or cohorts, no matter how much love there may be between parent and child.
I'm sorry that this happened to your wife and by extension to you.
" trauma" / " grief" resurrection caused for your daughter hearing this.
You have every right to be angry and, your questions are important ones going forward. Perhaps talk with your wife first and, try to lay some ground work about your concerns for her and your needs. Then perhaps the two of you can arrive at a plan to address the MIL with care/ compassion but firmly setting some boundaries for everyone ' s well being.
If the MIL is experiencing some beginning dementia issues, this may impact her emotions and ability to control emotions . Her fear of the unknown, fear of aging etc, coupled with her personality traits or tendencies to seek attention or control may all add to the challenges.
please seek a compassion expert post haste.
In the future, ask wife to turn off her cell phone while on vacations or dates. Ask her siblings to notify you of emergencies while you are both otherwise engaged.
I have had had a few weeks to think about the episode. I really don't think my MIL did this on purpose. She is a very sweet person. But I still think it was the wrong choice, and I am convinced it was a choice borne out of her increasingly limited cognitive faculties. I am mostly concerned that my wife does not think the call was problematic or indicative of other problems.
Ironically, the day after this happened with my MIL, my aunt ended up in the ER. My aunt, who is roughly the same age as my MIL, decided not to tell me anything until I got back to the US. Because what would it accomplish other than worrying me? (I am my aunt's closest relative.)
I don't know what the solution is--I cannot control my MIL's actions or my wife's reactions to them--but I do know I need to have better boundaries. My concern at this point isn't as much my MIL; she is not cruel, and she is rarely demanding. My concern is my wife's reactions to her mom's words and actions and what this could do to our marriage long term. I don't have the answers, but I guess I will figure it out as I go along.
Thanks for your comments and for letter me know the way I felt was not irrational. It was helpful to read through your comments.
Have you talked with your wife about what happened with her mother and her reaction, etc? Or are you concerned about her turning it on you and making you out to be the bad guy?
You can have all the boundaries you want but if your wife doesn't support and share those same boundaries, things like this are going to keep happening as MIL's health issues become a reality. And yes this may very well destroy your marriage because of your wife's issues regarding her mother and her blowing things out of proportion. I hope not but that will really be up to how open your wife is to conversations and maybe her getting some professional help too.