I am a working full time mom of 3 kids who are very active in multiple travel sports. I live in my car basically. My husband works in multiple ERs so he has crazy hours and sometimes travels for a couple of days at a time. He is one of 9 kids, 2 being out of state. My MIL was not ready for a nursing home but couldn't live alone in a big house anymore after FIL passed a few years back. Family meetings among 9 siblings have come to a decision she would live with us until she is ready for the next step. (She is diabetic, losing her hearing, bad eye sight, she loves sweets and wine and bread and has an appetite of 2 grown men) I agreed to her moving in because we have an in-law suite downstairs. There were discussions that she would pay "rent" of a flat amount per month to save her from $3,500-4,600 a month in costs with assisted living/nursing homes. I was told $1,500 to cover expenses. Well almost 9 months later, not a dime has come to us. One BIL said $500 a month. Others laughed saying they will send their kids over to live with us for that amount. (such an insult). Other BIL says for me to gather expenses before and after to show the increase. I don't have time for that to dig up old bills and why am I the one doing the work to justify taking care of someone else's mom? I am good with her moving out after realizing how much work it really is. She is a lot more dependent than I thought. she makes more of a mess than being helpful. I am the one around her 99% of the time. We pay for everything. She is on our cell bill, she leaves all lights on, is wasteful with so much items like dish soap and paper towels uses 3-4 a day as coasters, eats SOOO much food which she doesn't prepare any meals, sometimes gets picky with her veggies, wants a salad with each meal, wants to be taken out often to eat and doesn't pay, won't eat leftovers despite saving every crumb, wants wine often (and in front of my kids!), sneaks their snacks and hides cookies around the house. I can go on and on about how all of a sudden I have a 4th dependent child on my hands. She interrupts me all day with 100 questions, wakes me up in the middle of the night bc her meter is going off. All these little things are taking a toll on me mentally and it is more annoying and frustrating. She also fights with my youngest over the remote (he is 9). she watches TV all day full blast but can't give it up for a show or two when he gets home before he heads out to practice. She doesn't go to her bed at a decent time, wants to stay up to the very last moment until we go to bed, so we don't have any alone time. So I am getting resentful that I feel like at this point if someone is going to live here and in my face 24/7 eating all my food and racking up the bills, I should be collecting rent from a stranger. I feel like I am being taken advantage of and my husband is too nice tiptoeing around to ask for the money. I want it retro too. I am the one dealing with everything all hours of the day on top of regular stresses of work and 3 kids. Oh and she asks to tag along everywhere when i go to drop them off somewhere, my only alone time with a little CD book to unwind. When we go to parties or away to the beach we always bring her, not one person offers to bring her with their family. (they were quick to help her move out and get stuff they wanted though). one lives 5 minutes down the road and you would think she would be there for dinner once a week/month?! I don't think anyone really understands how much it takes. Or maybe they do and that is why her own kids didn't volunteer. 1) I need to figure out what is reasonable amount and 2) how to ask for it. 3) I think I am ready for her to move on but we are looking at 6-9 month waiting list now. she is a "nice" lady not manipulative or malicious but she pays 4 others IF they take her out yet here we are doing all the work and she won't pay for her own groceries. I want some of my space back. I would love to watch TV alone too.
None of you should be paying for her care. She should be paying for her care out of her own money. And unfortunately, yes, that means more work for you because you need to figure out how much it is costing you to keep her in your house and charge her for it.
I totally get how needy your Mom is. My Mom was similar. My sister, when she visited, used to hide from my Mom. My Mom would even talk to my sister while she was in the bathroom.
So in summary, I think you need to come up with a bill for expenses and whoever is in charge of your Mom's money, should pay you out of Mom's accounts. In addition, the siblings need to decide their Mom's future. Assume that the next move will be to MC or AL, not a nursing home. Start cleaning out her home, putting up her home for sale or rent, and get started on all the tests and vaccinations needed to move her into MC or AL.
Either way, you need to make it be known that living in your house is not a long term option and might even no longer be a short term option.
We're coming up against something similar with my brother soon. So far the sharing with sisters has gone well. We hope to keep that going. Be strong, sister.
How often do these exact same stories, and the responses, have to repeat and repeat on this site, before people get the da*n message: get all financial arrangements in writing up front, get those arrangements notarized, and do NOT move ANY difficult, cranky, manipulative old person into your house…just, no. Especially an in-law.
Get paid for the 7 months that are in arrears.
It’s so common for one child to care for a parent, no matter how many siblings they have.
Rarely are the caregiving responsibilities divided equally.
It isn’t always practical to be able to divide things up equally. Everyone has different work schedules and so on.
Only children feel alone but it’s just as bad or maybe even worse to feel alone when a person has siblings.
The good news is that you can still turn things around no matter what has happened in the past.
Have an honest conversation with your husband. Tell him that this situation isn’t what you anticipated and that he needs to tell his mom that she hasn’t lived up to the original agreement.
Let them work out the details on what is fair compensation for the time that she has spent in your home.
It’s imperative that you are honest with your husband and tell him that his mom is more trouble than you anticipated and you would prefer that she lives elsewhere.
You owe this to yourself, your children and your husband. As you said, you spend the most time with her, so you have caught the brunt of everything.
You’re understandably frustrated and this will undoubtedly have a ripple effect on the entire household.
Don’t allow this to continue for much longer. Set a date for her to move out and do everything possible to make sure she’s packed up and ready to leave at that point.
If any of your in-laws complain, tell them that they are welcome to come and pick their mom up anytime! Or say that you will save them a trip and you will be happy to drop her off at their house.
Get your money..and I’d say try to find out what she’d pay for something similar - like a board and care home. Also, if you provide any care include stipend for that. As for an accounting - well this past year is probly a good time for you to compare bills since prices have risen so much. So if you just take grocery bill then and now, utility same, also charges if you need to take her to doctor for time and for mileage. Don’t sacrifice your funds . If anyone of them complains then tell them they can do it instead ..after you get your back payments. If her suite contains just a bedroom and bath , I can understand she can’t stay there all day, but there should be some standard of privacy. She should have her own tv there ( her $ to run cable lines and buy tv) and have rules like ..she goes there in afternoons so 9 y/o gets his remote and also when she is to retire to her room at night so you have family and spousal time. There should also be something set and agreed to for others to take her both for weekly , monthly and annual respite for you. At least once a week someone takes her for an evening and for one day on the weekend. Each sibling needs to do this. And the two who live out of town take for a week each for your vacation time . And stick to it ! If there’s any balking then it’s off to AL for mil.
"I feel like I am being taken advantage of.."
Quite valid feelings. You are.
".. and my husband is too nice tiptoeing around to ask for the money".
So you already see the problem.
I'll read all the replies now - hopefully many will already have some great tips on how to turn this ship around.
You get more with sugar than you do with salt. My suggestions would always to be nice and polite. “It’s been 9 months of Mom living here and we have not received any payment that was previously discussed. We would like back payment for the 9 months and xyz amount moving forward”
If your BIL and SIL can’t come to an agreement on this, why should you and your family be walked all over?
We tolerate in our lives what we think we deserve. No one can change that but you.
RIGHT there is where you, my dear, made yout fatal mistake. The rest of your tale of woe-is-me is pure blather, and the ones who need to read it are the other siblings. But they are merrily on their way, and YOU are stuck.
When will people learn? Don’t get involved before EVERYTHING is down in writing, notarized, signed by all involved? Sheesh.
Make your meaning very plain that you will have no problem going down to the court house and filing the papers for eviction if you don't get your money.
Your husband's siblings are taking blantant advantage of your kindness and hospitality. So is his mother.
You get your money. If you want to know how much is reasonable to ask for think of it like this. MIL is basically getting the same serivices an assisted living facility offers only no doubt the quality is better at your place. Her ENTIRE monthly income is reasonable with a subtraction of a weekly allowance she can keep that will be determined by you.
Then have an honest talk with your husband. Clearly you don't want her living with you and none have any right to criticize you for it.
If none of her kids will take her in, she has to go into assisted living.
Stop letting these people take advantage of you.
First you and your husband need a couple of serious conversations. If he is avoiding this please make an appt with a social worker who can help with these conversations. No matter how busy he is at work - if it was needed for an issue with one of your kids, I bet he'd make the time. This is to talk about the future of your nuclear family.
Mom needs to move to AL now. So she can grow older there. No matter the costs. She needs help with personal care, toileting, socialization. Her difficulties with social interaction may be life long, or signs of brain changes that portend continued decline.
Mom's assets and bills need to be reviewed with an elder law attorney who does Medicaid applications in your state. The state specific details in Medicaid and the programs available can help her in future, but you need to be sure her assets are all accounted for so that none of the 9 has to pay for her care in the future. Son with POA for finance and your husband ought to do this together.
You may end up being seen as the 'stinker' who threw Mom out. Unless your husband is saying this, just ignore it. 8 will be very unhappy at any changes, and I think if anyone was willing to do anything for mom, it would have happened by now. No more promises to help out. Mom needs to move to ALF, within the next 3 months.
Consult a real estate attorney to help you with eviction process, if everyone is throwing accusations, insults, and excuses. Your goal is that in 90 days Mom will be living in a place that meets her needs more effectively, and provides her with meals, socialization, activities, and outings that you cannot manage. You work and have kids and a house to run.
Even if the agreement wasn’t in writing, they will all have to lie if they are required to give evidence, and unless that goes down well with the court, that is sufficient proof of the contract. With the bill copies, tell them that they will all get subpoenas to give evidence if it goes to court.
Even if you don’t go through with this all the way (and perhaps you should anyway), it makes things crystal clear very quickly.
Don’t muck about with this! Say 'Sorry, but I can't think of any oher way to get this settled'!
If you don't have a written contract for the rent, you best start with that. Get an atty to draw it up so there's no loopholes. If you even have texts that establish the original amount of rent, that might help to draw out the rent not paid yet. The longer you let that go, the less likely you are to get it.
If you get the rent, sounds like she would still have excess of at least $2K per month. If she needs some additional help, toss that towards some in-home help for her (as needs grow).
If all the kids got together to create this living arrangement, they should be able to come together for an update. Mom needs visitors so she can have a life that is a little separated from you in regard to socializing. Mom likes to get out and they need to step up and do some of the taking her places. She's a great lady, but you need a little space with their help. And if mom is all together mentally, it's time to just let her know that the price of everything has gone up - collect her check at the first of each month. As for her phone, why not just move it into her name so she is paying her own phone bill? Could come right out of her checking acct each month.
First thing, however, is hubby needs to be on board with sibling communication and collecting the rent from mom. If he won't back you, then you won't make this any better.
Ive been a people pleaser all my life and was constantly being used by family and friends. I have since learned to say no flat out with no excuses or reasons….just no.
It’s difficult, but my life has been much more peaceful since. I had a brilliant therapist 👍😉
You are a wonderful, kind person. Be good to yourself first because you so deserve it 🤗🤗🤗