Life has a way of derailing one.
Step-Dad has some sort of dementia, mild, was driving up until a few weeks ago, a bit forgetful and sleepy. Oct 22, he went to the hospital after stroke like symptoms, 8 days of testing and the doctors determine he has metastasized cancer throughout his abdomen.
He is still in the hospital and we are waiting for Palliative Care to be organized in the home. In Canada Palliative Care is like Hospice in the US. We have not yet been given an estimated life expectancy yet. Weeks, months who knows?
So many changes so fast. With the dementia progressing slowly there was time to adapt as each change came along and there had been very few. Now Mum who is not a homebody, is looking at having her life turned upside down. Luckily she is social and welcomes having caregivers in her home. But she will need to have time away from the house, time walking her dog, time in the garden, time for her regular social activities.
The dining room will have to be converted into a bedroom for him, as the bedrooms are all upstairs. I will have my son help with the heavy lifting. I told Mum I would get boxes to pack up the China cabinet (it is a small room and the space will be needed) she went into a bit of a panic.
I know many of you have been in the trenches for years, but this is all new to our family. How does Mum manage when the caregivers are not there (we have been told 3 times a day)? He is at least 130 pounds heavier than Mum.
I am nearby, but draw the line at personal care. I can go over and work on my homework while Mum gets a break, but I will not change him. I know we can arrange for Hospice to have a volunteer come sit with him, but that is for companionship not care giving, (Again the differences between CA and US.) Mum was a Hospice Volunteer for several years.
I am a full time mature university student in a city 30 miles from home, so my availability is limited. I have a part time job that is somewhat on hold and have given the groups I belong to notice that my availability will be limited.
His kids live far away. My brother and his wife (a doctor thank goodness) are coming tomorrow for a short visit.
I guess I do not have a question, just needed a place to tell others who know what is can be like what we are facing. Thank you
He is starting week three in the hospital.
Mum has been speaking with friends who have gone through similar situations. The has been strongly advised by those who have had Palliative Care at home to not have him come home. They know Mum and her personality and also how tough it can be.
Mum broke down at the hospital on Sat and spoke with the Doctor saying she did not know how she would manage. He told her that she would not be 'forced' to bring him home. That gave her a bit of relief.
A biopsy was done last week and hopefully the results will be in by the end of this week. The hope is the results will give an idea of the original cancer and what progression to expect.
Each day he is slowing down a bit more. He recovered from the original stroke like symptoms, got his speech back and ability to get to the toilet. He does not eat unless Mum feeds him. She has taken to bringing him food from home, like porridge for his breakfast. Unfortunately the two trips a day are taking their toll on Mum.
I hope to get her away from the Hospital for a whole day this coming week.
Mum is in great health, could pass for 60 (they are both 84). She loves her home and there is no reason at this time for her to leave it. Mum knows what facilities are available in the community and will move when she needs help or care. She does not need assisted living, nor would she move into a facility with SD, that has varying levels of care. She has talked about selling the house and moving when it is too much for her to manage, but she is not there yet.
SD has an Advanced Directive and I spoke with my sil (the doctor) yesterday after she has a look at his chart. They are doing yet another test tomorrow to try to determine what type of cancer it is, so they can give Mum some idea of a timeline. Sil told me he has blood clots in his lungs and is on iv blood thinners for that, plus a mass the size of a large orange in/on his liver. Plus additional nodules throughout his belly. He does not want chemo etc, 'No Heroics' is his choice. Mum does not think he is in pain, but he tires very quickly, sleeping most the time.
His kids do not have any money to help out. Nor do I.
SW, I am not young, I went back to school at 49 to get a degree. I have two semesters after this one and I cannot afford to delay my graduation. There is only one online course I can take that could go towards my degree. I need to find full employment before my savings run out. I am single, so only have my own funds to depend upon. Luckily my studies are helping with some of the stuff Mum is dealing with. I am doing a retirement planning course as I work towards a finance degree.
I am booking an appointment with a local Hospice Agency (not the same as Hospice in the US), which provides support to caregivers and the dying. I will book one for Mum too, I had hoped for us to get in together, but that may not work.
Mum's sister is arriving today for three days. Friends have reached out to Mum and she is slowly realizing it is OK to accept help. Mum usually would be the one offering help, it feels strange to her to accept it.
Through all this she is acting as POA for family friends. I am worried as are they that it all will be too much for Mum to handle.
Are there any friends/family/neighbors willing to assist your mom?
How is your mom’s Health?
I've had to deal with things like this in my life. I took care of MIL while working full time and stayed at her house, did school on line, and drove back and forth to my own house.
I found that I could sponge bath a woman and help her with her bed side potty.
It isn't as awful as all that. You may find that you can help.