Devastated! I quit a well paying job 4 1/2 years ago to be the caregiver for my mom. I did not want to put her in a nursing home. She has had 2 strokes. The 2nd stroke which was 4 1/2 years ago effected the area of her brain for thought process and what she says. While in the hospital 12-10-13 my sister asked "Mom how are you feeling"? My mom says not good. She said I threw her out of bed,,,broke her wooden leg (which she does not have) and beat her. The nurse was in the doorway getting her medications ready. I heard the nurse say my license is attached to that. I advised her 4 years ago my Mom said the same thing and it was to be documented on her chart. I thought nothing more of it. 3 days later I was advised Adult Protective Services was called but to not worry everything was ok. The lady came to the house and of course all things were fine regarding my mom and the care I give her. What is not fine is this will stay with Adult Protective Services for six months regardless of being innocent or guilty. My moms primary care physician even said 4 1/2 yrs ago if your mom knew what she was saying she would be mortified. I am devastated beyond belief that the hospital called them when all the drs there and nurses said how lucky my mom is to have me as her caregiver. I gave up everything 4 1/2 years ago and I do not have any income whatsoever. My reward is still having my mom around and knowing the care I give her is better than any nursing home or assisted living facility could. There are visisiting nurses,,,physical therapy, and occupational therapy coming to the house 3 days a week. They said how well I do with my mom. I know its the hospital getting back at me because I am very very proactive in my mothers care and I will not let anything happen to her. Someone please please help me on what I can do about this false accusation. As I say I am devastated and this happened 2 1/2 months ago. My mother was interviewed and told them how well I take care of her and what were they doing. It makes me sick to my stomach now as I type this out thinking about APS being called on me. Thank You for letting me vent!
Joanie
I agree that the nurse had to report you. That is the law.
After seeing how much my mother's life has improved in the NH, I feel that trying to care for someone 24/7, is the wrong way to go. Giving up my job, certainly would be - then, I would be a burden to my own kids, at some point.
You'll find lots of good suggestions for reading on this site which will help you on your journey. Hugs to you and good wishes to your mom.
I feel your pain, and can honestly say, count your blessings. There are people out here that are going through what you're going through, or worse, like myself. There are several talking heads in here, but unless you've been through it, you never really can understand the sense of helplessness, and shame this can cause you, and the implications of such accusations. I myself, and adult male of 52 years was a full time caregiver of my Mother for the last 10 years. She suffered a few mini strokes through the last 5 years, and many people believe there were more. Her claim to defame was she was being tied up, as last summer she was upset that I shortened her 50' oxygen line, so she couldn't use that one to move about in the back of the house with, but instead to use the portable one in her walker, as the 50' one was getting tangled around her ankles. Well this was the beginning of the end for me, as a few days later she left the home while I was in the shower, and was in the street telling neighbors that I was tying her up. Last Sept, while i was asleep, the police were called by a man that was walking in front of our home, and I was arrested, and charged with battery, as she told police that I was tying her up. Now, I have a protective order for 2 years, and they want to take my home that she signed over to me last year as well. I haven't seen mom in 6 months, and I'm absolutely a emotional, and physical wreck, and wonder if I'll ever see her again, and be living in a box soon. So there is optimism in your case, and feel good it didn't get to where my situation is. There is a great resolution for you in your case. I fee your pain, and beyond.
NOBODY really imagines you - what was it? Pushed her out of bed and beat her with her own wooden leg that she hasn't got anyway? Of course not. Your record of first class caregiving is intact.
But what has happened is that an allegation has come from a technically valid source and it must be attended to. The six month supervision horseshit is part of that proper attention. It's an automated process, and once it's begun it has to run its course.
Try not to let it get to you. Above all try not to let it affect the way you so lovingly look after your mother. Remember that everyone knows it's hooey.
If you'll find it any consolation, you could pause to reflect on why this blunt instrument weapon needs to exist. What happens to little old ladies with dementia whose 'caregiving' children are actually grasping, nasty little shits who do neglect and torment their vulnerable elders? What happens to these people if nobody listens to a word they say? Or if the process can be brushed aside after a cosy little chat?
I wouldn't be any happier than you are if I had social workers standing over me with a check list and popping by whenever they felt like it. I too would be tearing my hair out with frustration, and feeling there must be some way to nip an OBVIOUSLY baseless allegation in the bud. But… The process is necessary. Not for your mother, not for mine (I hope!), but for too many others. I'd rather the authorities did err on the safe side.
But I think you have to take a realistic look at the situation with mom. The type of things your mom is doing or saying are only going to increase as her dementia goes into advanced stages. Based on what you've said, your mom has fixated that you (in her subconscious) is what is the cause of her problems. She needs to find a reason as to why she can't remember or do things, and it just can't be her fault so it must be the fault of somebody….and that somebody is you. The next phase is going to be a constant litany from her that you have been stealing from her, you deliberately forced her to do things, you are poisoning her food, etc.
If she has an audience on this, then you are going to likely find yourself again being questioned on your actions. You already have a prior APS history. If she tells the PT or OT that you are keeping her from her exercise bands or you made her do things that hurt, they have not choice but to notate that in their file &/or tell their supervisor and then you'll likely get another visit from APS.
it sounds like you have closed out a lot of your own personal life to move in with mom and take care of her. So 4 1/2 years ago after mom's stroke, she could have gone into a NH but you decided you could care better for her, is that right?
Your statement that you have no money or income on your own is very worrisome for 2 reasons:
1. it's a red-flag for APS for a caregiver as you are using mom's funds for yourself. If you really have no $$, just how do you buy yourself a new pair of pants or get a hair cut? It comes from mom and her $ is to be used by her for her & her needs. If APS contacts SS on this, you will have to do the paperwork and reporting to be mom's representative payee. Mom should be paying you for your caregiving - mom has some income, she has SS and maybe other retirement. How you do this is for mom & you to go see an elder law attorney to do a personal services contract between you & her in which she pays you for caregiving. This is totally legit and provides you with legal income and builds your own SS kitty too. If you were to get a zealous APS officer, they could request mom become a temporary ward of the state as on the face of things you with no income are taking financial advantage of an elder and you have previous APS investigations.
2. realistically the elder does not get better, their dementia gets worse and if they have other chronic diseases then the level of care they need cannot be provided for at home. They will need skilled nursing care which means being in a facility. So if & when that day comes, what do you do? Do you have a home on your own? What is your plan for your future needs? When they go into a facility on Medicaid, they have to be impoverished so any of mom's excess funds will have to be spent-down. Unless your mom is wealthy, she will run out of money to pay for her care and she will need to apply for Medicaid. Mom's monthly income will be required to be a co-pay by her to the facility so there will be none of mom's $ to pay for anything anymore. But even if mom stays @ home, eventually she will die and her SS stops. What happens then to you? How are you going to manage your own aging?