My parents are 91. Mom was just put in a full care facility. She has been bed ridden for over a year due to a stroke. She also has alzheimers, but she still recognizes people and some days her memory is very good. Dad paid for 24/7 private care for her for the last year, but the unpredictability of the care providers and his physical exhaustion motivated the move. The facility where she is also gets her into a wheel chair every day. The caregivers at home couldn't do that.Dad's mind is sharp, but he is losing weight- He probably weighs about 130... and has been dealing with infections, blood pressure, etc. She is controlling him by "acting out" in the facility- so he feels he needs to be there all the time. The man is exhausted. Even when brothers/sisters are there with mom, he feels he needs to be there. Two questions: 1. What can be done to calm my mother down without completely knocking her out? 2. How can we help Dad to set some boundaries so that he can live out the rest of his life?
They have been married for 71 years. There are likely some unresolved issues between them-caused by mom- that she is in complete denial of and won't even discuss with him. HELP!!!
There is no sense in their "talking about y heir isdues" if mom has dementia. She can't reason any more. A skilled doctor can titrate her meds so she's not knocked out.
I agree that I would discuss a medication or her that would treat her anxiety. She seems to be unhappy and her delusions are causing her undue distress. There are meds for those things that would not drug her up, but keep her even.
I would also ask dad's doctor about an anti-anxiety med for him. Not, Xanax, but a daily med like Cymbalta that can really lift the mood and keep fears and insecurities at bay. It worked great for my loved one. It's not just for dementia patients.
I don't think you can convince your dad to stay away from the NH. It's too invested and I think it would be a waste of time, but perhaps, if he thinks she is doing just fine, he can limit his visits when he sees she is calm and content.
Another idea is that people of your parents' generation (and mine) will often listen to doctors when they won't listen to their kids. So have your dad's doctor prescribe how much time off he needs to take and have him be very stern with your dad about it. Maybe he'll listen to that.
Good luck and please come back and let us know how things are going.