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Just lost my dad 3 months ago. My mom (86 yrs.old) is living at home alone now. She has memory lapses from time to time, but sometimes I think she is in the first stages of dementia--not Alzheimers. She insists that my younger brother and his wife have gone in her house when she was at the hospital with my father and rifled through papers and stolen policies, jewelry, and coins. She complains to me daily about this situation. I have suggested she go talk with someone before this drives her crazy. Well, she hasn't. Last weekend she openly accused both my younger brother and his wife of theft. My older brother has pleaded with my mom to have a change of heart, because the younger is so kind-hearted that he would give you the shirt off his back. Now, the younger brother is extremely upset that his mother can think so lowly of him. He doesn't want to go visit her when he feels he is not loved. My older brother says she has lost a son, and he is on the younger's side in this. My older brother is so upset that he says he isn't even going to put up a Christmas tree this year for the family holiday celebration. Then my older brother says that I will have to be the peace-maker and try to get my mom and my younger brother back together in order to hold this family together. I don't know what to do! This has me so upset my health is being affected. Both brothers live in the same town as my mom. I live in another state, so I cannot be there 24/7 to follow my mom around. I feel torn into pieces.

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Partin,
I too gave up everything to take care of my mom. Moved into her home. It's HARD. Your mom being in Assistive Living is a good thing. I live with my mom.
You HAVE to take care of yourself and in doing this it does not make you a selfish person.
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I am having the same problem. My mama is accusing me of taking all her stuff and money only she gave her grandson 40 thousand dollars for drugs in two years time. She said I put her in the assisted living home, but the truth is she put her self there . Every time I go to see her she tells me she is going home with me. I feel sorry for her but I have given up everything the last two years to look after her. I am know longer able. Any advise on what to do I am at the end of my rope.
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I get accused of some version of "stealing" on a regular basis. I TRY not to respond. I TRY not ignore her on the phone telling lies about me. Its HARD. The most difficult thing I've done in my life to date is being a caregiver for my mother that has Dementia.
The only thing that helps me is leaving the situation. I just literally walk away for a few days and then return to check on her. Unfortunately my life circumstances do not allow me to leave whenever she does this, so I have to wait for relief before I can leave for a few days.
Dementia is a a horrible, horrible disease.
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Disseminate, not disembark. Become an expert on dementia and explain it to the rest of the family. Help them to understand and "frame" mom's actions.
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Your mom isn't saying this to be mean and spiteful. She needs to see a doctor yesterday. It sounds like she needs help. Your younger brother just seems to be the one she has chosen (who knows why) to accuse of theft. Your mom can't help these feelings. You can't reason with her. It's the dementia talking, not mom. With a diagnosis, hopefully your brother will understand. I know it hurts, but he has to buck up. You 3 siblings need a united front to tackle mom's declining health. Come together and get her to a medical professional.
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Both of your brothers need to shrug off your mothers comments, and not take them personally. In her right mind she wouldn't say such things, and they have to realize that. My father did that constantly with everyone, and we would either try to show him he was wrong, (which he usually never believed us) or just ignore him, and he would forget he ever said anything, (until the next time.)
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Some people actually prefer to be suspicious rather than admit they misplaced things. My mother was making all kinds of accusations about people stealing stuff that she'd merely misplaced. She was really nasty about it - but it was a preference - there was no dementia. She'd been that way for as long as I can remember. When I was in grade school, she blamed visiting cousins for disappearing tableware (that was when she was about 30). You probably know your mother well enough to make this kind of determination better than your doctor does. It's been my experience there probably can be no reconciliation. The best you can do is to have a relationship with your brothers and not let what's going on with your mother divide you. I agree with an earlier poster that said do not let a doctor diagnose her with a "who is the president?" question. Or "What day is it?" (Don't most of us lose track of what day it is at some point?) Watch out for all of the cognitive tests - they gave my mother one while she was on a load of drugs that would have killed an elephant - (once they got her off them, she passed it).
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If you have a doctor who gives your elderly parent the "three question test" then your doc doesn't know what dementia is. You need a doc who is going to assess not just memory and orientation but reasoning skills.
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Classic dementia. Your younger brother need only look around on this site to see common this is.
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My mama has dementia too. She has accused me of wanting her property and everything else because I want take her home from the assisted living home. I did try to take her home but she got worse and I couldn't handle her. Yes it hurts to hear all these things but life goes on. She has cause trouble with me and my husband, He doesn't want to go see her with me although I looked after his mother and brother as they had to go to an assisted living home. So you are lucky to have a sister and brother to help you through and someone to talk to. It is a lonely world and you have to deal with it one day at a time. Some day I just want to lay down and let the world pass me by. so good lucky with you brothers
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Everytime my husband and I go to see my 89 year old parents my father says things disapear. He files things on the sofa. All mail, coupons, bills, tax returns, everything. We try to look at it and get rid of expired coupons and funk mail. Set up a filing cabnet for them which they don't remember to access. Tried to get profeessional help for them because they do not cook anymore for themselves. Dad still drives, Mom stopped years ago. Can not get meals on wheels because he still drives. Doctor tried to evaluate Dad and said that nothing can be done because he knows the date, his name, and what state he lives in. No help seems to be out there when it comes right down to it. Mom stated about 10 years ago accusing people of taking things. Now I see that that was one of the signs of dementia. Things have been bad for us since 2012 and I too do not feel like putting up a Christmas tree. Would rather clean out a closet or a junk dreaw. My Mother-in-Law did the same thing to my Brother and Sister in-Law. Said that they were stealing things all the time. Wish I could help but at a loss myself. I am depressed about it most of the time. Sorry!!
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I am sorry for your recent loss of your father, but your brothers need to take your mother to a neurologist to have her tested because she has symptoms of dementia. The stealing is just the beginning of paranoid behaviors that one can display with dementia. Get her some help at home too because she may not do well being left alone. Your father probably covered up how bad her symptoms were and now you know. Get her the help she will need.
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There are reasons for the accusations. Understand the possible causes and share them with you contacts at the local police (ie,community officer).

Internet description: cognitive instability on arising from sleep.

Sunrise Syndrome,(sun?riz) a condition in which a person with Alzheimer's wakes up rising in the morning and their mind is filled with delusions which include include beliefs about theft, the patient's house not being their home, a spouse is an impostor, belief an intruder is in the house, abandonment, spousal and paranoia, people eavesdropping. Sometimes the person may carry over content of a dream.

One observation is that Sunrise Syndrome is different from Sundowning because the person may wake up in a confabulation mind set. During a Sunrise Syndrome conversation with the content may filled with confabulations; verbal statements and/or actions that inaccurately describe history, background and present situations.

Sundowning in contrast displays as confusion, disorientation, wandering, searching, escape behaviors, tapping or banging, vocalization, combativeness; the demons of anxiety, anger, fear, hallucinations and paranoia come out.


Hallucinations and delusions are symptoms of Alzheimer's disease and other dementias. With hallucinations or delusions, people do not experience things as they really are.

Delusions are false beliefs. Even if you give evidence about something to the person with dementia, she will not change her belief. For example, a person with dementia may have a delusion in which she believes someone else is living in her house when she actually lives alone. Delusions can also be experienced in the form of paranoid beliefs, or accusing others for things that have not happened. For example, the person with dementia may misplace an item and blame others for stealing it. Some people with dementia may have the delusion that others are "out to get them." For example, he may believe that his food is being poisoned.
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I am accused of stealing from mom pretty much every day now. Starts with "why would you do this to me when I would gladly give you whatever you needed"' along with fires my boyfriend sets and be hitting her. It's a nightmare. Welcome the world of dementia.
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Depression (and your mom just lost your dad) often mimics dementia so everyone is correct and your mom should see a doctor. Please, please, please, do not let a doctor diagnose with the "who is the President question". I could not agree more! Sometimes, after a Dementia diagnosis, some doctors will go no further and many health conditions will be ignored and chalked up to Dementia rather than addressed and mitigated. Now, for the he said, she said, and hurt feelings. Sometimes it takes a while to understand what your mother is going through, and in retrospect (soon I hope) you and your family will laugh about it. Realize that you and your brothers are the grown-ups now and you need to take care of your mother because she is lost (hopefully it is just the changes her life is going through right now). If you think accusing your brother is bad, wait until other caregivers get into the picture. People do steal from the elderly, but I don't think the elderly really notice when the big things are being stolen. That is why you, or your brothers, need to sit down and have a serious money/inventory discussion with your mom so a responsible POA can help her keep track of what she has. The POA should also keep everyone informed as to any decisions he/she makes with respect to possessions, money, care, etc., to avoid misunderstandings your mom will generate in the future.
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Are the items available? Have they been found? It might make her feel better to see them, then show her them being put in a box or some safe place where she can see them. If someone has a POA, they can have a key to a strongbox. This might ease feelings in the short term while everyone learns further about mom's medical condition?
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A care manager is a great idea. However, you want her seen by a DOCTOR first to rule out medical conditions that may mimic dementia. You want to make sure that she gets a real evaluation and not the "who's the president, what day is it, where are you" thing that some docs seem to thing is an adequate diagnostic tool. If possible, you want a doc who is board certified in Geriatrics. And when someone tells you that being old is not a disease, why do you need a specialist, point out that they took their babies to a pediatrician. Elderly bodies are different.
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Torn I feel for you. Your role is to be the information gatherer and disembark right now. That's the only way you and your brothers will have any peace. After you've gathered information on dementia and false accusations, you need to get your brothers on a conference call if an in person meeting isn't feasible. You tell what your research has turned up, that false accusations of family members is extremely common in dementia. That it's really important to get mom to the right kind of doctor and rule out other stuff, get an accurate diagnosis and make sure that mom has properly executed medical and financial POA. I assume that being in town, they take her to doctor's appointments. Do some research on geriatric doctors in mom's area and save them some time. Good luck, and let us know how it's going.
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If your mom has the resources I would hire a care manager to coordinate care for your mom and evaluate her mental health status and come up with a plan for her ongoing care. Often when there is a medical diagnosis and a 3rd party involved to help the family work through the family dynamic and address what is real and not emotions the situation improves.
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I know this (false accusation of stealing) is very common... I have seen this happen in my wife's family, with her aunt.

But remember, *lots* of people DO steal from their aging parents. My brother stole all of my father's assets and no one really knew about it until later, as he had lived with my father and was on his accounts.
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Your older brother says that YOU have to be the peacemaker? Why? Why doesn't he do it? He's in-town. Honestly, it's just easier to deal with the person to their face. It will be easier for him to go over there than for you do to it by phone.

Now, with that said, I don't mean to dump absolutely everything onto the ones in-town, but this is one of those things best done face-to-face. And, being the oldest, he might have some clout with her (I say this being the oldest - this just works in my family).
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Vegaslady is right on.

I know it's hurtful to your brother to be accused of stealing from your mother and I think it's fine that the older brother take up for the younger brother but your mom has dementia and that is the big picture. Of course your brother didn't steal anything and I'm sure that the mom he knows would never accuse him of such a thing but people with dementia accuse loved ones of stealing all the time. It wouldn't be dementia if the person didn't accuse at least one family member of stealing.

Your brother(s) needs to learn about the illness. It's not personal, it's the disease and the family becoming all upset over who said what to whom isn't helping your mom or your stress level. If your brothers can't bring themselves to learn about this your family will implode and all that will be left is your mom, standing alone, in the middle of family wreckage.

People with dementia obsess and it's enough to drive someone crazy. They accuse family members of all kinds of things and they accuse strangers of all kinds of things and they are very persuasive because to them it's very real and not a made up story that originates from a diseased brain.

Your family has to get some understanding pronto before it's destroyed.
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The whole family is in denial about mom's mental condition. All the hurt feelings will probably fade when mom gets to a gerontologist, neurologist, or at least her doctor. Dementia is a general term. Saying someone has dementia in their brain is like saying you have flowers in your garden. It says something, but not much. It's more clear what is there if you learn what type of flowers, and what type of dementia. Accusing people of stealing is a COMMON byproduct of the diminishing abilities of a degenerating disease. Quit trying to reason with her and getting your feelings hurt. Get her diagnosed, learn about whatever type of dementia she has and move on with your new reality. Dad died recently. After one partner is gone the impairments of the remaining spouse come to light. This happens a lot. The family needs to adapt. Mom can't, and she is likely to get worse. Who has Power of Attorney? Look up the Alzheimers Association. She may or may not have Alzheimers but there is the place to start. Read through prior posts here and see how often stealing comes up as an issue. The first step in this new journey is to learn about what you are now dealing with. Your attempts so far are making things worse because you don't understand the situation. Open your eyes, get over the denial and deal with her and your new reality. It's hard. We know. If you need advice about further medical/mental issues, and have concerns we can help support and advise you. Good luck.
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