Mom asking to leave SNF. I don't know how to navigate my feelings about this.
After this long year to get mom and dad into skilled nursing, (from the struggle to get on Medicaid, hiring an elder law firm, bouncing from assisted living to snf, dad in and out of the hospital, surgeries, etc....), my parents have been in the SNF together since the summer.
Now, Mom's talking about wanting to go back to her home country. Between yelling at me to give her hundreds of $$ each month she also tells the staff and everyone who will listen that she's going back to her home country. When I ask her who is planning this with her, she can't give me an answer. I ask her, "When?" "Who is buying the ticket?" "What about your medication?" "Who is taking you back to your home there?" "Who will watch you 24/hrs a day?" She has no answers.
She even demanded last month I give her $6k. When I asked why, she didn't say. "Just give it to me!" She would yell... I found out later it was for three plane tickets for herself and her brother and his wife. (The two are of retirement age, have health problems and have barely any money due to gambling.)
I talked to family in her home country and it's a very run-down small community. 2 hours from the best hospital. Local Doctors are private pay. My niece admitted that they're not very good. And family there don't own a car and rely on the community for transportation if its available.
Everyone has told her moving back to her country is probably not safe for her. When we lay it out, she understands but over time she gets frustrated and wants to go anyway. Phone conversations have been strained between us.
Recently, a doctor saw my Mom and it's gone on her medical record that she is beginning to show signs that she cannot make decisions clearly. She's forgetful and confused. She is an amputee and cannot walk. I can't imagine how a half-a-day plane trip would go.
On one hand I understand she's getting older and this is a sign of that but on the other, I feel sad that she's so frustrated and unhappy at the SNF. My Dad is there with her but its little comfort.
My grandparents are buried in her home country and I imagine she will eventually want to be interred near them. It's another thing gnaws at my emotions.
I feel like I'm the only one concerned about her health. It's a tricky balance. At the SNF, she has round-the-clock care but she's unhappy. If she moves back, (I assume) she would be happier in her home country but she'd be living in a third-world community.
My husband tries to bring reality into it for me. Saying that if she moved back, she would probably be unhappy about something else. Maybe even ask to come back to the U.S.!
I just don't know how to navigate my feelings about this.
Hubby is correct. What she really wants is her independence and her health, neither of which is available here and won't be available in her home country either.
As our parents age, they become more like the children and we have to do what is right (i.e. safe and healthy) for them, whether they like it or not. Just like a parent wouldn't allow a child to walk into the street, you have to keep your mom from making decisions and taking actions that would be harmful to her.
I don't think I'd argue with her about how she's going to get there, etc. I'd be more inclined to acknowledge that her circumstances have changed and how hard that must be for her. Listen to her and see if she'll open up about her feelings about what she's missing. If it's a particular food, see if you can get it. Or friends, see if you can get some friends to visit. Those things may not be possible, but it's worth it to empathize with her rather than argue with her. This isn't easy for either of you, that's for sure. But you're doing the right thing and you've really honored her by seriously thinking about whether her wishes are able to be realized.
I'm sorry your mother is giving you a hard time over this. To help with that, try not to engage in discussions about moving her back to her home country - don't question or challenge her, it's pointless and leads to confrontation. Reality is, this is not going to happen: it would be irresponsible for you to make the arrangements for her, and she's not capable of doing it without your active assistance, is she? So it isn't something you need to address as a real problem to solve.
Just make sympathetic noises to do with understanding that she's... well, homesick. She hankers after where she comes from. It's not unnatural.
Is there a language difference, by the way? I'm just wondering, if there is, if you could use books or films or audio in her first language as a way of providing at least some link to "home."
Mind you. You might well think just two tickets out of the country, for her brother and SIL, are a very good investment...
In response to blannie, yes I agree. Earlier this year I was very empathetic about her expressing of going home but I admit that over time it wore me thin. I try not to argue but it leads there sometimes when her only response is to yell back. Sometimes, when I'm on a call with my Dad (he's in the same room) she just start yelling over him to get my attention. It's really frustrating. On top of emotional stress, I'm still digging myself out of a financial rut due to their care. The holidays are hard this year.
I have ideas to try and keep her spirits up. Perhaps decorate their room more. Bring her more photos and art for the walls. Bring her some music she loves. Just some distractions to keep her from getting bored. If she were tech savvy, how nice radio or mp3 player could be but can barely figure out a cellphone. :/ I'll have to look around for something she can use.
I asked family members from her home country to send cards and photos if they can. They haven't. Just another "thoughts and prayers" situation. It makes me sad for my parents.
I found a simple music player on Amazon for Alzheimers/Dementia people. It holds 1000 songs and only requires you to press one button to operate it. I bit the bullet and bought this. (Almost $200! Talk about price gouging. It looks like its worth $95 at the MOST.)
I'm going to load it up with Christmas music, old folk songs and the entire Elvis catalog. ANYTHING I can do to help ease her frustrations, boredom and sadness.
I have to work on my own guilt and sadness and focus on my own health. I'm struggling emotionally everyday.