My mom calling crying and complaining tells me Im too postive. Any advice?
Well last night I talked with my mom that lives in a different state, my sister moved in with her only because she basically loss her house across the street from my mom, and the bank gave her a couple thousand to get out. My mom told me last night that she didn't want to move up here with me because I am always arguing with her. That I also ask too many questions about her finances, and she wants to know why. I told her you asked me for money for the past 18 years, and I knew your house was paid off sold my dad's business when he passed, and you had a lot of money. Over the years, you have asked me to pay for things, and then I found out you were not 70K in debt. You have an LOC payment that is just the amount of your ss check. I've paid your utilities your property insurance, homeowners, cell phone, and other bills. I own my own home and have bills too. You promised if I paid the majority of your bills at the end of last year you would move and put your house up for sale. Then you told me after everything was arranged you were NOT moving because of me and to just keep paying your bills so that my sister, and you can live in your house. Last week, my sister's kid is moving back, and you want him and his wife to live with me for six months until they get on their feet and find jobs (two 30 year olds that had work approx. two years in their life time. Just because I have a big house, I don't need to take care of them. They're not mine. Ya they might be family but not my immediate family. She told me I was heartless. I told her I can't pay for your bills either. I offer you a nice warm house to come up to with activities, hot food and a place to call your own where your grand kids are around the corner (my sister kids). You said no, My sister tells me who lives with my mom now, that I am a horrible sister. Why can't I take care of her kids. I have all that room in my house? I told her because they are broke, and I am not going in that direction too. I offered to put bars in my mom's bathroom, stitch out the toilet and get a tall one to help her and do some other things she said no it won't fit. My Mom tells me, every time you call me, I get up set and have episode for the rest of the day. When my mom calls she is crying complaining and then when my sister comes home at her house tell all these stories. There is it just no way to talk to her; she is off the charts. What don't I do just forget about her? My sister is her problem and her kid, they are the reason why she has no money and in debt. She bought cars for them paid their bills paid for trade schools and apartments/house. My mom did add last night that when she dies, she is leaving the house and everything to my sister, and I said good luck with that she can't pay the mortgage on the house, and she will lose all the equity. I guess why I'm upset is when my dad passed away I wanted a few things of my father's, I was his favorite. My mom never cared for me since the day I was born, I was always was with my dad. Last year, I asked for a few things of my dad and she flatly told me NO, but she gave my father's piano to my sister's kid, and it sits in storage. Just completely frustrated with everything and feel I should just stay out of it. All she wants from me is money it is so sad. We are talking about spending from 400 to 2000.00 a month. I send gift cards for restaurants she likes and pay a lot of her bills over the past 15 years, only to find out she had money she was giving it to my sister and her kids. Loss for what to do, I pretty much know it is now DO nothing and do for my daughter.
Giving to people who are really needy is good. Giving to people who stay needy because they think others should keep on giving to them is not helpful. Able bodied adults are not supposed to demand to be supported by other adults instead of standing on their own two feet. Your mom feels too guilty to stop doing it. Your dad did a disservice by playing favorites, perhaps, and perhaps Mom has overcompensated in a vey maladaptive way.
You can give people things that will help them get on their feet, like credit counseling, and the trade school support was not out of line. But you can't deal with someone who blows up when you begin to suggest that you will help with building self sufficiency, not with postponing it or perpetuating dependency.
Say so. Lovingly. No recriminations over the past. No guilt trips on you or from you should have to happen. You have the blessing of being the one who can stand on her own two feet, which is a better place than your sister will ever be unless a real fundamental change takes place in her life. It is not at all fair to you and it has got to be terribly painful to see all Moms support, financial and moral, poured down a rat hole, and yet you still definitely have the better portion in life.
If they can't listen now, you can still say no. It may be the greatest gift you give both them and yourself.
You wrote "feel I should just stay out of it" and " I pretty much know it is now DO nothing and do for my daughter."
Yes. You know what you have to do. You have done more than enough and the point comes where it is just enabling codependent behaviour. I think you have come here for support to do what you know you have to do. I know the name calling from your family is hard to take. I have that too and if you listened to them, you would think you were the most heartless, uncaring person on the earth. But you know it is not true, so cut the ties - I am not saying necessarily cut all contact,, though that also is a possibility too if you feel you need it, but halt the gravy train, no more financial support, and refuse to listen to the verbal abuse you are getting. Your sister is not your problem, not are her kids. It is time they all grew up and took responsibility for themselves. Because you have been successful in managing your life does not give them the right to sponge off you.
Look after yourself and your daughter, say no to any more requests, demands, complaints from your mum and sis. Say you have to go and hang up the phone when they start. They have chosen a very poor route in life, but you cannot change them, only yourself. Time to pull the plug and let them figure out their own problems.
My blessings to you for all your kindness to them. You have gone the extra mile or ten, but this is not helping them anymore and it certainly isn't helping you. You can make some firm statements to them about what you will not do any more. Draw your boundaries - in fact it would be worth your while to read about boundaries. There are some good books out there - Cloud and Townsend wrote one. "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life". Separate/detach from their craziness.
Good luck and let us know how you make out.
Big ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
You are not heartless and they have learned bad habits from mom. You owe them nothing and have made it on your own and shared in the past without payback.
Cut 'em loose and change your number or block their calls. You can call mom on occasion if you feel like it, but hang up when she lets into you, rants, or cries.
Sure if you want to you can help them physically by making arrangements to help Mom if she needs it applying for stuff but keep that check book firmly closed.
my mother never actually asked to come and live with us and it never would have happened anyway but i got lots of letters telling me how she did not know where she would go after she retired because he cottage went with her job. I found a very small house that was being sold very cheaply as it was due to demolition. She just had the money to buy it and the residents were promised public housing if they had owned the property for I think two years. of course it was a gamblebecause we did not know when they would be demolished and she ended up in a very nice one bedroom ground floor apartment with her own front door and the rent was subsidized because she was low income. so she lived very comfortably for th rest of her life. My husband and i were totally united in not taking her in although in theory we could have done. you know what you have to do so that is more than half the battle so go ahead with all of our blessings