Mom is very old fashioned and has always given cards for all occasions throughout her life. Now she has dementia and lives with me so now I get to pick out all the d@mn cards and gifts for her. My brothers and their family are worthless, do nothing to help except to drop off the important cards like Mother's Day/B-day and Christmas along with a cheap gift that shows they know nothing about her. I am sick of it. I do not want to participate in the enabling of the 'fake family sentiments' anymore. I am ready to include a note from me not to expect anymore cards from Mom since I am the one having to pick them out, mail them, etc. My mom drives me crazy with these damn cards for every freakin occasion and I am at my wits end with it all. I would not mind so much if they were helping, showed up to visit, made any effort but they don't. But the world will fall apart without those phoney greeting cards!!!! I now hate greeting cards and if I never saw one again, I would be thrilled. I am not one for words or sticky sentiments, it's what you do, your actions that say the most.
Tell your Mom no, explain that her kindnesses would only have true meaning if she were to be able to do it herself. Since she cannot, time to stop that and start a new tradition.
Since this is between you and your Mom, it stops there.
No need to announce or explain to sibs anything. Since they don't visit, nothing will be heard from them either when you just stop doing this.
If ever anyone asks you, just ask them: "You did not know your mother has dementia?"
Just stop, and forgive yourself for wanting to extract some kind of revenge against the useless siblings because you cannot change them. It is understandable and very universal, common to so many caregivers, but YOU deserve better, and you will be the one in the middle to get hurt for trying too hard to make it right.
If, however, your mom doesn't remember special dates or care much about the tradition there is no point continuing, I gave up sending cards for my mom long ago.
It is all so sad, isn't it? I mean being a useless sibling is sad.
I last bought the younger of my brothers a birthday card in 2014. My mother had a horror of giving money, it always had to be a proper present; but by then the only time I had for shopping was my four hours' respite care once a week, and we lived half an hour from the town. So off I went, bought a gift voucher, got home, got mother to sign the card, stamped and addressed it, flew to the post box, flew back again and thought "phew! Mission accomplished." That was over half my time out for that week gone.
Not a word of thanks, not a phone call to me or his mother, nothing. I tell you, from then on I felt not a twinge of conscience about dropping the whole dam' charade.
My mother too felt obligated to give 100 dollars for every occasion. I finally had to break the news to her she was NOT a Baroness of a royal family and could not keep giving her limited income away. Since I have POA, I had to take away her checkbook and credit cards. That did not stop her from everytime we were at the drugstore, "Oh, we need to get a card for ..............., it's their anniversary, it's Thanksgiving, it's Valentine's Day, it seemed every damn month it was something. I started feeling hostile because then I had to stand there trying to find the appropriate card, where is the dysfunctional family section cards? Can't get the ones saying how wonderful and thoughtful they are and all that crap!!! I just dread the damn things. I told Mom not to get me any, I know how she feels about me, I don't need Hallmark for that validation. All she gets from my brothers is cheap candy or some plastic trinket, like she needs one more damn thing, and nothing that really speaks to her personality. I feel like saying, "Do you know her at all?" Here Mom, here are some nice cheap scented candles even though you sent a hundred dollars. They just disgust me. I do not consider them MY family, hell, strangers have shown more compassion! You are not alone Churchmouse, Iam done playing the game so they can pretend everything is hunky dorey.
My mother used to send Happy Anniversary cards to my ex and his wife. Though to be fair, Wife II was more thoughtful and affectionate towards her than my siblings were.
So now my plan is to find the cheapest cards I can and fill them with mom's currency which since her move to memory care is authentic looking play money 💵
Thanks for the laugh!!!!! Sounds about right though. We are not alone in the insanity :)
Mom wanted cards that said "Godchild" [not that easy to find anymore] even though the oldest Godchild was in his 70's, the rest were also senior citizens. But I didn't mind as these 3 Godchildren always remembered my parents with frequent telephone calls and with greeting cards. As for gifts, I think my parents wrote out checks to them.
I know I have reach senior citizen status when gifts from much younger people to me are oven mitts and kitchen towels [I don't cook]. Hand lotion vanilla scent [which I dislike]. And oh joy, just what I want linen hand towels [can't wait to get the iron out] :P One can drop hints but no one pays attention.