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I'm just beginning this journey and my parents both are narcissists with dementia. Except last year dad got violent and hit mom and mom called the police. Now theres a three year restraining order and a divorce that is final but they didnt bother to settle the division of property. I was already broke when all this started, now all my money goes toward saving the house while my dad terrorizes his 90 year old mother at her home and my mom treats me like a slave. Did i mention I have a son to provide for? At this rate, I will be 50 before I begin to get my life back.
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wilmaj,I am so glad you told us that you placed your mother in an AL. She is safe and well cared for and there is no reason you or your family should have to deal with the ugliness, I think you called it. I am sorry to tell you that she may never be happy or content, again. She is upset that she has lost so much... Memory, independence, etc. ONLY she can make herself accept what is now her life and be content with it. You can do that for NO ONE else, only yourself!!
In the meantime, be as upbeat as possible when you do see her and reassure her that you Love her. She is where she Needs to BE!! You have done well. Take a breath. Enjoy your family. God bless You for Caring so Much!
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I have a 79 year old mother that is a narcissist and a Alzheimer patient. I have her living in an assisted living home. She calls 911 when her body gets out of line with normal. We tried her living with us that only lasted 2 months. She was ugly and demanding. We put her in a nice assisted living but she still isn't happy. I don't know where people with these disorders need to be so they will live safe and not so irritating. I love my mother but she has done things and said things that are hard to take. I just need some advice on what to do.
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I understand completely what each one of you are going through. I didn't realize that my mother was a narcissist until I went through a college Psychology class. I have been epileptic since I was six months old. When I was 14 the seizures changed from just petit mal to petit mal and grand mal. My neurologist said that it was due to hormonal changes in my system. As the years went by the seizures got worse. My mother would slap me in the face when I was coming out of a grand mal seizure and tell me that I was faking it to just get attention. I tried telling her that she was causing more seizures by keeping me stressed out. She would just slap me again. I had a lobectomy done in 1993 for epilepsy. The seizures have slowed down, but my mother continues to want to cause pain. I have been a CNA for over 20 years taking care of alzheimer's and dementia patients. I told my sister 10 years ago that our mother had symptoms of dementia. She wouldn't hear it. Our mother has recently been diagnosed with dementia. It's like throwing a gallon of gasoline on a fire when you combine narcissism with dementia. She continues to tell lies to me and about me. I have learned through 40 years of pain to let it roll off of my back like rain. A narcissist has a high sense of grandiosity, totally lacks empathy for others, and feels that they are superior to others. A dementia patient will revert back to their younger personality. Whether violent or shy, the personality will be enhanced by the disease. Don't let their lies mentally break you down. Learn to let their verbal assaults roll off of your back like rain!
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Glad that you got your 11 years of peace and escape from the hate. You deserve it. I hope that I live to see the end of the hatred. I am so tired of it. I just pray that my siblings and I will still be friends after this reign of terror ends.
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My mother died eleven years ago at the age of 89. She had wanted to move in with me and my one daughter still at home but I flat refused. We got her an apartment at the end of my street, literally two minutes away and I took care of her every need and want, driving her everywhere and having her up to the house for long week ends, we bought her things, we took her fun places, (which she never liked and always criticized) but both my daughter and myself were both working full time jobs and trying to keep body and soul together. Mother did buy me, with cash, a brand new car...because my old one fell apart in the middle of Telegraph Road one very scary day...but she needed that car too to get around to doctor's and shopping appt. I was with her in her apartment preparing to spend the night with her when she suddenly passed away. I was so very glad I was with her that evening but the idea of living together in the same abode was always a no no and I always told her that. She too had what I called a "mean streak" and it got worse as she aged. No overt dementia, just more hateful remarks directed toward my family. I tell 'ya, I am 76 and have told my four kids, if I ever get like that do NOT bring me to live with you. I will have lived my life and I want them to live theirs. A nursing home I will go to if necessary, but hopefully I will just die with my independent boots on some day.
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No suggestions. You won't be able to get the old cow do to anything. Mine is the same thing. which is one reason I do not respond quickly to 'orders' or requests. I let her stew a bit. You need to get out, have someone come in and mind her if necessary. If she doesn't like it, let her stew imo. I have found I can get in my moms face and hand it back to her. She gets the message and it is the only way, at least for me, to establish boundaries.
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I've just sat and read everyone's stories, thank-you for being so honest this has been like a form of relief for me, it's right what they say caring is a lonely business especially when your mother has grandiose visions and will not accept what she really is! She's been playing the attention card with my father all my life, but as we lost him to cancer nearly two years ago, she has upped her game, after a heart attack and a TIA this has given her a new lease of life to attract attention from a new group of people who she can play the feeble little old lady for, it's just like a show....and being the only child..I'm her puppet, she's lives my life for me talking about me to complete strangers, because her life is quite boring, but she won't join any clubs...help any suggestions ?
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I read an article that said something like "elderly parents can become narcissistic in their demands and you have to set limits otherwise you end up feeling like an indentured servant". Yeah that's my life with my mother alright. I just never do enough for her. (she doesn't have dementia) I feel like she could suck the life out of me, and I've been getting anxiety attacks and hyperventilating over this.
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Hello

I just found this on the webpage by doing a search for dementia and nasty.
I give up my home overseas and returned to my birth country to keep an eye on my 85 yr mother who has always been nasty to me - she even stayed with a man who sexually abused me and she found out when I was just 14. I felt like taking my own live a few weeks ago as the last four months living with her has been hell on earth. No I see that it is an illness and I am not alone - thank you people for your blogs - I pray that I can leave this house in the next few weeks and rebuild my life.
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Every one of the posts that I have read here is what I have lived for 60 years. My mother is the same as all of yours. I had a great life that I created for myself but nothing was ever noteworthy to my mother. She has never ever celebrated any of my wonderful achievements in life which has been very hurtful. No matter how much I do for her she claims I am never there for her. She passed away on January 27th of this year with lung and bone cancer. I was surprised that in the end I was able to care for her with compassion, gentleness and forgiveness. Three days prior to her death she was still hurling insults at me like "I will never ask you to do another thing for me for the rest of my life" as I was delivering her lunch, medication and anything else she desired to her in bed. For a short while I felt that some of the old wounds were healing yet a month later I am severely depressed that our relationship was never fulfilling. As I sorted through all of her belongings I realized that there was not ONE photo of me growing up. No birthdays, Christmases, first day of school, graduation or wedding photos (I got married in her living room). I will never ever understand this. There were many photos of my older sister which I do not understand because they have not spoken to each other in 20 years. So I managed to survive 60 years of abuse but I am now dealing with my partner of 9 years abuse. He had a traumatic brain injury 38 years ago which left him physically disabled, 8 years ago he had a massive stroke and last year he was diagnosed with the beginning stages of dementia. I have become his whipping post and I am enduring daily with verbal, emotional and mental abuse and some instances of physical abuse. He is only 57 and I hate to put him in a nursing home at that age. Nothing I do is good enough for him. I managed three lives for awhile and now I am down to managing two adult lives. I am surprised I have not completely lost it. I am bipolar and sometimes the anxiety and depression are all consuming. I want my life back but if I send him away I will feel guilty for the rest of my life. If he wasn't disabled I would have thrown him out long ago but he uses his disability to make me feel guilty. I thought when we entered into this relationship he would be so grateful for all I have done for him and love me unconditionally but as you can see my happy ending will not be my reality. All my life I have just wanted someone, ANYONE to love me and appreciate me. I do not need a man in my life as I am very happy with being alone. I just can't seem to get from point A to point B. I am free of the abuse from my mother but am being tormented by another narcissistic person. Will these emotional scars ever heal? I have a great psychiatrist but I feel I could use a few encouraging words from anyone out there.
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OMG I just googled narcissism and dementia and found this page....I so wish I'd found it before... I just lived through nearly 5 years of hell and stress.. Mum is in care now finally but it's still really difficult, I'm the only one she wants around and of course I'm neatly programmed to know exactly what she wants/needs. I must add that in the last year or so she came through a lot of the bad stuff( narcissism does after all often spring from early emotional trauma), she became a lot sweeter as she watched her frailty increase, she has done a lot of introspection and I feel like she settled stuff in herself.. I think there is a 'nasty' phase in every person's dementia, this is obviously greatly exacerbated in people with NPD. What a trip!!!!
Mum had Lewy Bodies Dementia and I found a lot to help on the LBDA.org page and their 2 facebook pages...just wish I'd found it all sooner!
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frustrated2, those 4 words describe the woman who gave birth to me to a T. The whole family is nuts. I feel like I am the only one who sees it for what it is. They regard me as if I am the one that something is wrong with because I am so different than all of them. Glad I took after my dad's side of the family. After my time is up caretaking aunt & uncle I will be long gone, never to return!
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If you get away from a narc, if you can possibly avoid it, never allow the narc back in your life, especially in a physical way. That is one of the beauties of telephones: you can hang up on a b***trd or let an answering machine handle it.
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this was to thunder... got her out..
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Way to go... you got the old cow out of your house.
Trouble is, if folk are narcissistic to begin with, they don't improve with age.
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We too, including my dad, my aunt and all my mom's family have enabled her all these years. My parents divorced about 26 years ago because she was so demanding and controlling my dad just couldn't take it anymore. I am an only child so I feel bad for wanting to walk away. I wish so many times my mom didn't live close to me. I thought moving her to AL closer to me would make it easier on me not traveling so much. Wrong decision. I could have stopped traveling so much and let the staff take care of her. Hopefully one day I will learn to stay away from her abuse, her guilt ridden questions and comments. I hope to get away from her poison that stays in my head. I love how you wrote about the four words going hand in hand. It is sooo true!!
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Anyone notice that 'victim' and 'narcissist' go hand in hand, not to mention 'drama' and 'abusive'? Those four words encapsulate my mother. I am the only person in my family who has ever had any emotional or mental health counseling and the only one who seems to understand what is going on, not just with my mother but with the entire family, who seems to be the spokes revolving around her/the hub. It has always been this way. I don't live near them which was a conscious choice, so it is especially striking when I have been forced to be around all of my family. My dad, who turned 83 last month, has been married to 'the monster' for 63 years, since she was 17. All her life he's made excuses for her very bad behavior and they have morphed as she has gotten older, now blaming any bad behavior on 'I think she has Alzheimers'. But he just bought her a new car, even though he remarks how aggressive, or lost, or forgetful, on and on she is increasingly. Personally, I think of her as 'just more of who she is'. It has always seemed clear that she has a mental illness problem but I am not a shrink and what's the point of trying to put a label on it anyway? When I have replied to any of my siblings (two are nurses, one with a Masters) that if she has dementia she needs to be evaluated and perhaps put on meds, what I get back is 'when she gets worse maybe we will do that…. Rather than really wanting to change anything or help her it seems more important to try to explain it. I have always been her whipping post, having been blessed (ha!) with the insight to see things for what they are, and I remember being that way from a very early age and hoping one day when I grew up I would 'get it'. How could I be the one who was 'right' when the rest of them all seem to support what I thought was nuts? I am at this point grateful, even though I now have almost no contact with my family, that there are others more tolerant of her to directly care for her. I probably would do more what was actually best for her, including having her evaluated and probably not letting her drive and risk the lives of innocent people on the road who might encounter her. But with two 'healthcare professionals' in the family telling my dad what he wants to hear (change IS hard) I have given up. I like though that people here are able to see that NPD can coexist with dementia. It almost seems as if most of my family is happy they can now use her age as a 'reason' she's the way she is even though they won't do a thing about it. Can't fight City Hall. My parents also have $$$ which is an incentive to play nicely (not for me). An NPD mother is like a little drop of poison that ruins a whole barrel of water.
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I think each of you have written my life story. I started a forum myself on here "is it normal she is so negative"... My mom too has been narcissistic all her life ( I learned about 15 years ago that is what her hatefulness was called) About 5 years ago she started becoming more hateful, cursing me, telling me I didn't care about her, etc. Three years ago she moved three times and started acting so NOT like herself. It took over a year to finally get a diagnosis. Dementia. My mom is only 68 soon to be 69. She went through hospice--we thought she was dying and they brought her back to good health and her dementia is much better. After a long story, she finally agreed to go to AL--which now she says that I took her there and dropped her off and she never sees me.--I call her two to three times a week and go EVERY single Sunday and do her hair and spend anywhere from 2-5 hours with her. This is not because she doesn't remember, it is because it is NOT enough for her. She is becoming so mean and hateful I am ready to walk away. This past Sunday she told me she didn't know why I come anyway because I don't want to and I don't care about her. She told me to go home and stay there. She is disgusted that I put my husband and my two children (that are 23 and 16) before her. She even said, "I can't believe you put your family before your mother!" Who says that? A narcissistic, self centered, all about me kind of person, that's who. I left on Sunday with plans not to return but my guilt is eating at me and making me think that I am doing something wrong. I am an only child and the only one to look after her other than the AL staff. She will not answer the phone when her sister calls--her choice, but we did that to her, then how horrible we would be that we were making that choice against her. Double standard--though which is one sided. I could go on and on about how I am feeling just like each of you. This site has been very helpful for me, now it is just up to me to make some tough choices and stick to them. Good luck
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Oh yes...I can certainly relate. Aunt accuses me of trying to poison her, tells her children I don't give her & uncle their meds, I don't do anything, and on and on...the other night she told her daughter she was hungry, that I had not fed them supper & she didn't know where I was. All a pack of lies. The daughter believed her. She was narcissistic before the disease and is now impossible to deal with. Children will not put her in a facility because it will "eat into their inheritance." They sit back & criticize me, etc. but want to keep me on because it is much cheaper. They don't pay my salary...aunt & uncle do. But they complain because they say they need to give more money to their church but can't because of what I get paid.
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Hi Ms. Maggie, my mother moved in with us for a year, it was a very though year. She was formally diagnosed with Alzheimer's and frontal lobe dementia while living with us. Although we knew for a few years she had dementia. Her narsistic personality just made this so much worse. We did it on our own for way too long. When we finally received home care it got a little bit easier for some tasks, but in the end her disease made keeping her at home too much. We put her in a care facility and it's so much easier as we can leave when she gets mean. We didn't regret taking her in our home, we just should have received the home care so much sooner. Get respite care or hire someone to visit with her so that you can have a break or to do the basic things for you and your spouse. If you do it on your own with no help or home care, you will feel trapped. The alzheimers and dementia never really bothered us, it the narsistic personality disorder that's the worst to deal with. Your 94 year old mother sounds just like my mom. Do some reading on narsistic personality disorders before you make the decision. Now that my mom is in a care facility, it is definitely the best for everyone.
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My partner and I are dealing with this with her 94 yr old mother. She insists on staying in her home...so my partner is constantly involved in her care. Mom does nothing but complain. She says she is lonely, but when people visit she is generally not interested in visiting. She gets care every day, includes hygiene, clothing , food, medications, etc. Frequently she is rude even violent towards care givers. It is a nightmare. We are reluctantly moving toward having her move in with us. God help us.
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This has helped me so much - I have been looking after my elderly relative with vascular Dementia/narcissistic and varied personality problems - her demanding and sometimes aggressive attitude has caused incredible stress culminating in my arthritis flaring up to such a rate a couldn't get out of bed when she called through the night - her mental illness worsened into hallucinations nightly and shouting through the night so we were unable to sleep. Her delusions of grandeur and unreasonable requests for daily dietary changes was impossible. But I do know now after talking to medical staff that no one can deal on a daily 24 hrs basis with a dementia sufferer - you just cannot do it with all the will in the world and in the end it's the professional medical staff that are the best to help.
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Frustrated's suggestion to read Codependent No More is excellent . I have read it also and have similar family dynamics. It is tough to accept that we can not fix it, but it is true. When we get sucked into the vortex, there is no way out. Maybe try some small boundaries like leaving when she starts into you. You can do it in a respectful, non emotional way. Something like, "Mom, I am going to the store now" or whatever. "I can see this is not a good time." Or something different, but just leave when the poor treatment starts.
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Thank you Liz 123 and Frustrated2 for your support. It is hard to face the reality that my mother is "sick" and that there is nothing I can do to help her without bringing me down which she seems to derive much satisfaction from doing. My mother can still take care of herself but sooner or later we will have to find a solution. My mother doesn't want to talk about it and my sister is in denial. I am now an empty nester and want to enjoy quality time with my husband. But my mother thinks that now that I don't have any kids at home,I can take care of her.
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Reading your comments made me think of so many aspects of my family. You should read an old book called "Codependent No More". It is very hard ti realize that your dysfunctional really IS and that so are YOU. I have to think - based on your 'name' that you moved to Dubai, which is pretty far in order to get away and there was a reason that you did it. Quit trying to fix things for your sister, quit trying to make your mother realize anything or even hope that she will. This isn't your fault. It takes a LONG time to finally get it so don't feel bad that you are 55 and still don't. I know what I'm speaking of because I come from a family like yours. Particulars are not important. What is important for you is that you get it and work on that. Take care.
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Limiting contact is your best answer. She does see you as 12. It is very hurtful and controlling for her to treat you this way. Your only out is to create boundaries and do things that make you happy. Advocating for your sister is also a losing proposition. Hugs to you.
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My mother is a narsisistic and is starting to show signs of dementia. I live abroad but visit her twice a year in 2 month increments. I do everything for her while I am there and try to smooth her relationship with my sister and her kids. She resents this and tells me I only bring trouble to the family. She says I am controlling and always think I am perfect. She went on to say I have always been a problem child. I almost think she still sees me as a 12 year old. She adores my son but is jealous of my relationship with him and has said bad things about me to him. I have decided I will limit contact with her and will probably have to stay somewhere else when I visit. She told me that while I am in her house I will behave and do as she says. I somehow don't think she realizes that I'm 55 years old.
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Emjo, yes, sometimes it isn't worth it. Several months ago I got a window into this neighbor's personality, and her personal reasons for taking on my mother as a 'project' like you said about the woman from your mother's church. It did convince me to step back a bit. But since my mother's driver's license drama, she's been both helpful and yet, too involved at the same time. Sigh. I'll need to figure out the boundaries again and be strong about this.
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loo - sometimes it is not worth the hassle. Only you know what is worth it and what is not, or if it is worth it up to a certain point and not beyond that. Unfortunately unhealthy people tend to attract unhealthy people. Someone from mother's church took her on as a "project" -a ministry. Well it slowly fell apart in a couple of ways. Mother turned out not to be the sweet little old lady that she first presented herself to be, and things got more and more difficult for the "minister", I made contact with this lady which was nice to begin with and I was very grateful for her help and then things between us started to change. First she got critical towards me, believing things mother had told her about the way I was handing stuff - which actually was none of her business and was also untrue. I did not need her on my back as well as mother. Then she broke down telling me that her mother was just like my mother and I ended up supporting her. Thankfully, shortly thereafter, she found another ministry and ceased contact with mother. She is on my face book but I have virtually no contact with her any more - TG. And from what I can tell, her mother does look like a case.
Sounds like you are getting way to involved with this lady and need to set some boundaries. ((((hugs))))
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