My mom has now moved in with us as she can't live alone any longer. Probably mid stage dementia. Her narcissistic personality disorder has always been challenging, but with dementia it's like throwing gasoline on a fire. Is anyone else dealing with this?
Sorry no regret, no guilt. I have a lovely husband and he comes first
Now, with the dementia it is worse. Everyone is bad and has wronged him and he is always a victim. And he always has a villain in his life.
My brother recently took him up to his place top stay because his dementia got bad and he was furious that my sister in law mistreated by looking at him funny and leaving him alone in the house while they went to work.
If we try to get him help he threatens to throw us out of the will to make us back off. He would never allow a diagnosis, would not move with us and any help is treated as an attempt to have him "put away". A
He does not care about anyone else's concern, only his own. He was always this way but it is worse now.
She will never live with me. My brothers know that if it's too much for me at some point, I'm walking away, and she's all theirs to deal with.
However, you've gotta' rework that, unfortunately, if she has dementia. They're not responsible for their actions, even if they were like that (maybe worse now) when they were of sound mind.
I have three brothers. One of my sisters-in-law told me just last year that when she was pregnant, my mother told her, "You don't want to have a daughter." I'm the local sib and only daughter. My brothers all live out of state. I have been told repeatedly by my mother that my time is not worth anything.
She started her directive to me to do extensive research to check out fall alert devices, and I suggested she ask my brother (the one who is least interested in my mother, yet the one she favors the most now). So she got upset at me and started her crying and shaking routine while telling me my brother's job was more important than mine, and so I'm the one who has to do all the research on a fall alert button for her.
If it was only just doing research...my obsessive mother requires microanalyzing every detail of every device, getting the absolute best deal, etc. I am not spending hours on this.
I know she considers me worthless. So I guess I'll just be that way, and not do her bidding!
Yes, she is declining mentally, but as long as she can insult me and expect me to be her servant, I can also decline to do her bidding.
Either a crisis, sooner or later, will force the issue and you will have the enormous private gratification of thinking "told you so", or it will turn out that your mother will stay peacefully (or otherwise, just as she likes!) at home and pass away gently one night and everyone will be happy. But in any case it won't be your fault or your doing. Why bang your head against a wall trying to please someone who's determined not to let you please her? - especially when she has her boys to wait on her and take responsibility.
I wouldn't get too hung up on the boy v girl conundrum. For a start it's always complicated, but even more to the point there isn't a thing you can do about it. I have been surprised on a number of occasions by women telling me they "secretly" loved their sons more than their daughters; and what really surprised me was not only the calibre and variety of the women - I'd thought better of them - but also that they each considered this natural. Whereas I personally think it's a bit nuts.
Leave them all to it as far as you possibly can. Are you able to step back?
It's OK not to love someone who showed no love to you-even if it is your mother. You (and I) are doing the best we can and that's all anyone can expect. Yes, it will be a relief when it's all over (for them and us).
My mother will be cremated, then I will call the few living relatives and friends to inform them. Nothing more.
This confirms my belief-"Live your life the way you want it inscribed on your tombstone." I'm trying to do that 'cause I'll be darned if I want people to remember me badly.
In these last six years of her highly dramatic decline she has made life h*ll for my brother and I from across the country.
I have been wishing she would just die already but there is a blessing in the dimentia. She cannot create the illusion of normal anymore. After 60 years I can SEE the disease and insanity and what it has cost me my entire life. My mother is a hard miserable human being who has never willingly given anybody anything. It is not my fault for trying to get away from her. I am not bad for not liking her. There is no resolution or talking it out. She still admits nothing even when I gave her the chance to absolve herself before she dies.
I will do my duty but I will not lie and drip honey at her funeral. I will be glad and I am at last ok with that.
"There are others that can take care of mom and not have to be abused by her. My mother is as sweet as honey in the facility, calls all the staff sweetie and honey and actually says 'THANK YOU' to them. Two little words that we NEVER heard one time come out of her mouth at home or to us.
Don't feel guilty that you don't rush to her side to care of her, she really would prefer someone else anyway. Stay strong, assertive, healthy and know when to walk out of the room."
Thank you for posting, momsadvocate. I'm caretaking my 81-year-old mother who has a severe disorder believed to be NPD. It's been a long road that hasn't ended yet but the legacy of pain, trauma and broken relationships has been living on for decades already. It's truly disgusting to see what can pass down generationally because we have too much yet to learn about this stuff. I can't predict what will happen to/for anyone else in my family but I visualize a positive outcome for me because I have taken some bold unique steps to heal. The buck does indeed stop here! If anyone is interested in hearing about what has helped me save my own life, please just ask.
All the best to everyone here, caregiving is an amazing and difficult journey. ~KCR
Now I give zero reaction and don't bother to share anything of my life with him. I just look at him and show nothing. It takes a lot of work to not react but eventually I could see the look of disappointment on his face when I do not react. He stops the baloney after he realizes he is not going to upset me. And good for you for walking out the door. I know it's tough, don't get angry or frustrated. It just fuels them even more.
Basically my understanding is that the restraints we put on ourselves to not speak our mind all the time...like when someone offends you but the situation lends to you letting it pass and smiling instead...well with dementia, that goes away and there are no barriers that way. Also, because the brain is deteriorating, your mom will lose say a small piece of information, like the house is not up for sale, and the brain compensates and creates a story that might fit in, so now she might think that it is up for sale...and can even tell you she was there when the Real Estate agent came by. It usually gets worse before it gets better I'm afraid. My mom became physically violent and was so nasty...I was the worst person in the world...LOL...but really she couldn't help it...she had no restraint and things were partially fictional in her mind.
A bit of background:
After the h*ll of a year and a half with mom in mid stage Alzheimer's, sociopath on steroids, her Neurologist insisted that I get her into a home because it had become a danger to myself, herself and my kids.
So it took about three months, but I finally found the right place for her and that was a little over two years ago.
She has since passed into a more advanced state and is no longer aggressive, and in fact is not speaking hardly at all.
Taking her to the home was the best thing I could have done for her and for the family...she is in an amazing place where the staff is consistent and they love her very much.
To be honest I have been mourning the person she had become prier to the disease ever since and today I can say that I think I've finally come to the end of all of it.
She no longer is the sociopath, narcissistic I grew up with, but she is also not the more stable person I enjoyed the last 10 years before she had the disease.
I honestly look back and in some very real ways wished I had not had her move in with us...but I didn't know then what would happen...I was still expecting her to rise to the occasion at the time and it took a few months before I realized it would not ever happen.
My mom for many years told my brother and I she never wanted us to take care of her and would rather we lived our lives if anything happened...so on that level I have no guild at all for placing her in the Home...although I to have some pangs of guilt for not seeing her for months at a time.
We actually moved about an hour further away from her...it's an 1 1/2 hour drive to see her, but life is what it is.
The truth is that the anger and hurt are gone now...healed so now I miss my mom...the women she had become...I really miss that person.
But I feel good that she is safe, well cared for and loved where she is and have no regrets for putting the effort in to find a place that lent to our personal beliefs.
The reason I'm writing this is because I know how hard it is and want you all to know that there is relief in the end, and that it's OK to let go of the reins and it's OK.
Talking to a number of professionals in the field it seems our situation with an abusive parent is not abnormal...and when the time comes that they forget enough and change and are no longer the abuser, it is not abnormal to not know how to deal with it emotionally.
In my case I was able to get a set of eyes at the home, an additional PA that goes in and checks on her monthly, but is there and keeping an eye out for her patients 2 to 3 times a week...and it's covered by medicare to boot!
I hope this might help some of you trying to figure out what to do.
Also, in retrospect...if I and my Husband had been able to wrap our minds around what was happening to my mom sooner, I think it would have been better. Reach out to the Alzheimer's Association Hotline if you need to vent or to get information and strategies...they are there for you and a God send some days.
Narcissistic personality disorder may be linked to:
Mismatches in parent-child relationships with either excessive pampering or excessive criticism
Genetics or psychobiology — the connection between the brain and behavior and thinking
It is a personality disorder and is a mental illness. It is characterized by disturbed interpersonal relationships -don't we know it!
I believe that narcissistic traits can accompany other personality disorders. I think we have a disproportionate number of people on this site with narcissistic parents as they are the ones who cause their care givers the most distress so they come here for support. Combined with dementia it is very hard to deal with.
It helps to learn about narcissism and how to manage it. You have to set firm boundaries to protect yourself. Blessings