My 81-year-old mom has dementia and is narcissistic. Is anyone else dealing with this?

Golden23, yes, there were definitely games going on. She kept saying things like, I didn't think I'd be there (in the ALF) very long, and complaints kept coming up. Sad as it is, 24 hours is plenty. The thing is, I made the connection that, yeah, it was Christmas and I made an extra effort to make the time nice and she was happy, but that's what she wants all the time!

ribbman - I suspect all as it usually is used for something down the line - just the nature of the beast.

It's a roller coaster ride, without the fun. Today, she is just an angel. This, after weeks of accusations and rageful phone calls. When she tells me how great I am, it's as suspect as the fabrications.

Vstefan that was supposed to be thank you. Autocorrect did that change and I didn't notice.

Veterans, thank you. The problem is that brother doesn't understand that self preservation is not abandonment, I used to listen to her just to keep her from spewing it to the sons. But over the years her need has grown to "share" her venom. Narcissists try to maintain an image of being a victim, taken advantage of, etc.

I am afraid she is going to kill BIL by stressing him out. Everything is wrong and it is all someone else's fault. And she is always a victim. But maybe now he might consider it. I am really hopeful.

Not sure the book I recommended is the best for this situation. Has anyone read "Trapped In a Mirror" by Elan Golumb?

Yiikes! you are all describing my late mother to a T. She passed away in September and I was so very grateful. Spending the next while working on me and recovering from a lifetime of abuse.

Tray51, you need to see a lawyer. And I can relate. My mom said all kinds of hateful things over the years, did all kinds of hateful things. The worst choice any one can make is to move into a toxic persons house. Because the person in control is the person who owns the house. Please try to get some counseling. The worst thing for you would be to allow yourself to remain in bitterness till it consumes you. You and daughter and husband get apartment, continue working or get a job, and make your life. Your mom can't help who she is, but you are not too old to decide not to become her.

@Susan54 - we did not really address your situation very well - but here goes...
you don't "have to" take care of her just because she is roping you into it by not selling the home. Yoo may have to go to court to get guardianship unless she has given a POA and it can be "activated" by medical incapacity letters. Twizard, too, whether people were lifelong narcissists or become uncharacteristically self-centered when dementia sets it, you are all dong right not to let her extravagant desires run the show, and if she never gets used to the idea that the world cannot revolve around them and hates everyone, its her choice. Brother may need to put her in a home. She can be unhappy there instead of unhappy where she is, and convince all the staff her whole family hates her and feed off of that instead of ruining your lives. Who knows, someone might be able to treat her for depression and it might take the edge off. You really do have an obligation to protect children and grandchildren from cruelty, too. It is not abandonment and not a sin to find other avenues for care when doing all the care yourself is too onerous.

Counseling can help. Antidepressants not working in this situation is pretty much like blood pressure pills not working while you are drinking a quart of pickle juice and eating potato chips with extra salt!

After venting, I realized there are some recent comments. I would like to share, from my perspective. As I said, this isn't my parent but my inlaw. My mom was hurtful and abusive, as was my dad. But they weren't narcissistic, just high and drunk and abusive.

My MIL is ok with lying. She is ok with manipulation. She has a strange perspective. I have tried, over the years, to point out that other people aren't trying to hurt her, reason with her, etc. and I have called her out on some of her lies. She isn't used to that.

She is mean, conniving, and frequently succeeds in making her family sad. She never does anything for anyone without there being a huge cost to that person. And she can cry at will.

She was so determined, when my husband married me, that I was going to be her servant who took care of and catered to her, that she just stopped walking. For years, she refused to walk much, until she couldn't actually walk any longer. I refused. I have a good career as an educated professional, and I am not giving up my retirement potential and career until I reach retirement age.

My husband was disinherited by her because she was angry at him. He has given her money, frequently a substantial amount. But he will not allow her to control him. So he is disinterested.

She is mean and has tried at times to split up or damage her children's marriages because she was mad at either a child or a spouse.

But, in me, she met someone who had needed and gotten counseling for my own whacked childhood. So, I had learned coping mechanisms. And I have learned the difference between being "guilted" into something, and truly having a responsibility for something.

And, I would like to offer this: get into either group or individual therapy. Read "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. My mom and siblings could push my buttons, until I got some help. You owe it to yourself and your kids to not expose them to this type of life for very long.

If I had not gotten help, I likely would never have gotten an education, or a career, and at the age of 50 I would have been in bad straights.

And, because he married into my family (bat$h1t crazy), my husband got counseling to help him deal with my situation which in turn helped him recognize and deal with his own parental situation. Together, we got counseling and became best friends, and emotionally healthy. So, when his mom shouted, "go to hell" and hung up, he could laugh about it. When she said to me to not call her again, we both chuckled. Because we know that she will eventually be mad at everyone and will reach out to us again. She doesn't affect us. We decide when to send money, and how to help.

I can't say enough about how much counseling helped me. To see alternative ways of my own choices of behavior. To learn to recognize all sorts of toxic behaviors. And to not feel compelled to either capitulate or wallow in guilt.

You have a constitutional right to the pursuit of happiness. You have a spiritual right to peace of mind and wholeness of spirit. And your children have the need for a healthy environment.

Toxic people do not have a right to take away your rights.

Thank you for sharing this. I had a different type of problem parents. Now I have nasty angry narcissistic mother in law, and it is different kind of dysfunctional situation. It has helped to read this. She drives us crazy. She has spewed venom for 15 years. Now I am, for the first time, a target of her venom.

Actually the entire family is now a target. There isn't anyone left. She lives with one of her sons. He is at his wits end. How do any of us help him when she hates us all? My husband called to wish her Merry Christmas. She answered and shouted, "go to hell." And hung up. Guess she thought it was me. Not ever again, thank you.

Brother in law said he can't keep up with all the people she is mad at. She used to call me and "vent." It was awful. Now guess she is venting to him. She hates her cousins, nieces, grandchildren, at times her own kids, dead husband, blah blah blah. I feel bad for feeling glad. She told me not to call her ever again, she doesn't like me. I was so relieved I laughed as I hung up.

So glad I never have to speak to her again. Yech. Even my alcoholic father and drug addict mother weren't this awful, and that is saying something!

She was a terribly spoiled child who was taught from age 3 that she should be in control. And she wanted me and my husband to move into her house and hand our paychecks to her and she would distribute it as she saw fit. She wanted me to send eight each Walmart $100 gift cards to her every month so she could have spending money or give it to other people (she has no bills, gets social security, and everything is paid for).

She NEEDS new living room chairs and sofa every six months, because she wants to redecorate and the color isn't right. That one chair is between $1000 and $1500. She got really mad because no one would pay for a $3000 one to be shipped from Germany.

She told me to retire (was 50 at time) because she wanted someone to drive her around wherever she wanted to go.

Once I needed a place to stay. She said I could stay there (didn't know her very well at the time). She charged me $650/mo, not including food, when I could have rented a studio apartment for $300/mo. She shocked me with that bill, after i had been there a month.

This is just my story with her. She is awful to her grandchildren. They don't understand why.

She has called me, in tears, and talked awful about her other daughter in law and other son, her grandchildren, her dead husband, etc. She has done the same to Her other daughter in law. Trying to reason with this mean old woman is useless.

What finally pushed her over the edge toward me? Not sending the money really made her mad. She wouldn't talk to me for months. But finally telling her that I didn't want to listen to nasty comments about other people, that she needed to see a counselor. This has helped. Just venting about it.

She has fights with strangers on the Internet and email. She hates everyone at the senior center.

So, now that I have vented, how do we help the poor brother who is stuck with her? He doesn't want to put her in a home. But he is at his tolerance level.

I had a different set of problems with my aging mom. She was a drug addict, and while very manipulative, I had gotten counseling to help me. This is new to me, sort of.

I know this forum is old, and I don't expect answers. Just feels good to chat. I think everyone here would understand. I hate that she can hurt her kids. I hate that she can hurt her grandkids. They are good people. All of them. Good, responsible, working, honest people.

Wow, this thread really hits home. I knew that my 84 year old mother was beginning to fabricate things, and spends a lot of time telling me how badly I'm taking care of her, but she has turned to outright lying. My wife and I have been trying to get away, and she recently told my brother that we were spending her money on hotels! That is unbelievably hurtful and stressful. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to care for someone in that condition on your own. My heart goes out to you.

Trav you may have some legal rights in this situation, and Mom may not be able to manage on her own - you may need legal and/social services help.

I only remember my mother arguing with my dad (stepdad) and the house not feeling happy as I grew up. My granma lived with us & in my mid teens I got in with a not nice lad & didn't behave well (no drugs or anything just went off course) now I. 55 & been with hubby 29 yrs, I have an amazing 23 yr old daughter & she is lovely & my world. Mother made dad's life miserable demanding & arguing. Wished he would die of cancer, told me & my teenage daughter that she wished that. Dad passed 4 yrs ago & I have tried so hard, daughter & I would come home from hers and cry in car cos she was such hard work. We sold our house 4 was ago & she was to so we could all move in together (3 generations together) to look after all of us together (she now has alzheimers & Brest cancer. Suddenly accuses me of wanting her money to get big house, verbally abused me called me f...ing bitch, hates me, wished she never had me, ashamed of me & never wants to see me again. Last weekend shut door on me & won't see me again. I move out of home 9th dec 15 & have no home cos we lost the one for all of us. Can't help bit feel consumed with bitterness. Please help

My 91 year old mom has dementia, is narcissitic and has night mares that she believes are real such as thinking people in her AL home are trying to kill her and relatives are in the attic looking at her. She is now at the point where she confronts the other residents about aupposedly plotting to kill her and she wants me to come comfront them as well.
I used to try and argue with her aboit ot but the best thing for mu peace of mind now is to let tje awesome staff deal with her.
Also, if she is not given attention by everyone she meets and deals with she often makes a scence by hollering nobody likes her. She has always stolen the show so to speak during my and my brothers' events in order to get attention. It is worse now. I am learning to deal with it and am greatdul that she can afford to be in AL. I have R A and wouldnt be able to spend day in and day out caring for her.

Veronica, I like your flower

cak I don't think this is the kind of thing that you will find help for here. Although there are professionals contributing it is not possible to issue a diagnosis without proper testing etc. The place to start would be your Primary Dr or if there is one your local mental health center.

I think I might have borderline personality - it all happened about 10 years ago when my father died. I lost my mother three years later, and I snapped out. I did Grief Share Counseling along with counseling from a different agency that helped me make the transition from living in a house to living in an apartment. I later move from a very lovely apartment to a not so lovely apartment complex in another town in the state I live in. I just love slamming doors, cursing like a sailor, and calling people names, especially the former building superintendent of the complex that I live in. Well, the former building superintendent had a disease, he had a drug problem and was known to take drugs and take extra long comfort breaks. He was fired; there is a new one now; he and I get along splendidly. I don't know if this is borderline or what, but I loved to cuss out the former building superintendent. It's a mighty good thing I did not get kicked out of the complex. I am a poster girl for sending my rent on time along with paying my bills on line. I did get off to a rocky start with the complex; I am now 62 years old and will soon be going off to senior housing in another state. I am leaving the state in which I live in now because I have no family here anymore and I really don't have many good friends in the state I live in. Until I get into senior housing, any suggestions here?

Good luck to you too. Good luck to everyone in this kind of situation. The biggest burden of all is on our mental and emotional wellbeing. Everyday is a struggle just to get through. The antidepressants aren't working.

Thanks !I know my mom can't live with my husband and I but I was trying to help her stay in her home but now drive and look at options for this and someone like visiting angels to come help out but she gets worked up causes chaos , has disowned a good friend who told her she was concerned about her and is mad at one of her doctors who called me as they were concerned. She can still manipulate so I know she has enough of her mental awareness most of the time but is denial of the dementia and refuses to quit driving. I wish you luck having your mom in your home. Do you have power of attorney and can you sell her house. I know you would pay the wrath but you need your sanity. I know I have been able to deal with my mom by living in another state and not visiting often but now she calls in crisis almost dally and loves being the victim that she creates. Now I have to jump in and take control and she battles me outwardly and by telling others lies and then denying it. I finally told her tonight that I need her to get letters from her doctors stating they are fine with her driving , that I need the results of the neurological and that she needs to call visiting angels, have an assessment and then I want those results or I will do what I need to do to protect myself(which I am doing anyway) . I just worry as if I am dx with cancer, I know I will not have the energy to deal with all her drama . I wish you and everyone here support with this. I truly understand.

I feel your pain. My mother fell 8 years ago and had to move up to be near us and put into an Assisted Living. After 18 months, we had to move her to a less expensive Independent Living because she will not sell her home in Florida. ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT DISCUSS IT. Even in assisted living she was refusing to go out to dining room and then did the same in the Independent Living so I had to start bringing her meals and she would not let them bathe her or clean her room. "My daughter will do it" she told them. Then the Independent Living got too expensive as well - house still not sold but rotting away in Florida and costing her 2000.00 a year to maintain. So we had to move her to a regular apartment where I had to do all the cooking and cleaning and finally, she fell and had to be moved in with us. 4 moves in 7 years and I have to cook and clean so she can still keep a house in Florida that she will never move back to. And she lived on our couch and had a portable potty in our living room because she has made herself into an invalid and cannot get into our bathroom. No doctor ever told her she cannot walk, she wouldn't do her physical therapy, so she lives in a wheelchair. Can't even walk into our tiny bathroom. And to top it off, she didn't talk to my husband for 17 years and this man had to take her into his home and empty her potty and help take care of her and has never said Thank you to him or given him any praise. I suffer from Anxiety and Depression yet, I have to take care of this selfish woman. About to cry because I just can't stand it. Never take a parent into your own home.

As a mental health therapist for many years(and only child), I have been dealing with a mother who has the triad of PD(Narcissistic PD, Borderline PD and Hystronic PD). Even for a mental health professional who has treated people with these issues (which can be stressful), having a relative with this is exhausting. Two months ago she told me that one of her doctors told her she has early stage dementia and I knew the hell was going to begin and it has. Her last comment was (when I told her I am having a biopsy on Monday and could have cancer) that everyone dies. This is after her calling me as "I am so worried you will put me in a home and stop me from driving and incessant calls" . I love her but know what I am dealing with and she can still get me upset as it is like talking to a 7 year old and not an aduilt and is getting worse. I live many states away from her and as a daughter I want her to be safe and as a therapist I have other guidelines that if I follow my life will be hell . She does not care and will not listen. I have talked to one attorney who was more concerned about estate planning and I need more info. She is pushing everyone who loves her away and then she can play the victim. Yes she is only happy if I end up raising my voice and setting limits and it takes a lot but she can push it. My heart goes out to all of you in this forum as I truly understand how tough this is and how sad that you can't have a healthy mom-daughter relationship. Hang in there!

I'm experiencing the same thing with my Dad. My Mom passed away ten month's ago and I let my Dad move in with me. I really did not expect his controlling and obsessive behavior and meanness. Everyone told me he was still grieving and that there is no time limit on grief. He was with me and my husband for 6 month's, then he went to visit my sister for two months. It was a good test to see if his behavior was with me and my family or if it would continue when he visited my sister. His behavior did not change with her, he was very controlling and obsessive, plus he is mean to our spouses because he thinks us daughters need to be his one and only as a replacement for my Mom. Before he came back from my sisters we decided we had to move him ASAP to a senior residence, the day after he got back from my sisters, we put him in a Independent living community because we had to do something, I was totally emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted, (still am). He is having a difficult time adjusting when he talks to me or so he says, but the staff says he is being social and interacting. He will lie and make up illnesses to have me run over there to take care of him. He was calling me everyday a couple of times a day with a problem or emergency so I could run over there to be with him. He actually made me bring him to the hospital because he had such a severe back pain and could not get out of bed, but it turned out to be pulled muscle. I am now trying to set boundaries and told him he cannot call me. I work full time and I am only going there once a week now to enforce my boundaries, but he still tries to invent illnesses and emergencies, but now the staff and nurses are aware and they will call me and let me know if it's a real emergency or text me if something comes up. It's been a constant battle these past couple of month's but I'm getting stronger and am trying no to get anxious and stressed out from his actions. It's a very difficult time and situation. All my sisters are out of state and don't get the emotional and mental stress he is causing me and my family. I'm glad I'm not alone and thanks for all your comments above. I am thankful that my faith in God will get me through this and I don't know why my Dad has to go through this on top of his grief but I can trust that God will bring us through this trial. Hugs and prayers to you all!

IthinkIcan, Your children are a great concern,. They are being molded for the rest of their lives! gladimhere has a great suggestion in posting your own question/discussion!! Many hugs to all of you!

IthinkICan, you may want to post your own discussion as you will get more feedback that way.

My biggest concern now is for your children. Are they living in this environment?

I wish I would have came across this site sooner. My mother is a narcissist although not diagnosed. She has all the traits of dementia. I'm currently trying to find a doctor who will take me serious and run the necessary tests. The problem is that she puts on a very good show. She has had numerous car accidents that are always the other persons fault. She blames me for hitting the garage as she was trying to back out.
For the longest time, I thought she was just a bitter, evil woman. Nothing makes her happy. She is always right. I'm the youngest of 5 and I live with her. She constantly complains about how her kids don't do anything for her. The truth is that they don't want to be bothered with her. They call me and ask me how is she. That's it. She picks random fights with me and my children. Accuses us of stealing & lying. She belittles us as much as possible. She yells at the top of her lungs, curses us out on a regular basis & calls us all stupid.
The problem now is that I can't take anymore. Mentally and physically I'm out. It is so hard to wake up and wonder how is she going to be today? I know it's not fair to myself of my children to have to walk around on egg shells, but, this is all I know.
I thank you ALL for your stories and words of encouragement. It's because of you "I think I Can".

She has her own family she is thinking about. Of course, in 30 years, when she ultimately needs help it will be interesting to see what comes of it.
100 years ago and so it was no wonder these people were locked in rooms while everyone else went about their business. No one could afford to put up with them.

It's not worth it. Get out!

I did a Google search hoping to find answers to the problem I am dealing with. However, I am not a daughter or relative. I am a caregiver. I have worked for the same "sweet little old lady" for six years. But, she has a big black secret that keeps her alive. I've come to the conclusion that she is the most wicked person I've ever had the misfortune to meet. I read through these stories posted here, and I feel extremely lucky for not having a parent that was narcissistic, and prone to the self-appointed-fantasicized believe that they are better than every other living being on the planet. I only have had to work for this woman. If she had been my mother, I think I would've killed myself. In fact, I read a story not too long ago about a daughter in San Diego that was my age, and she was her elderly mothers only child, and her primary caregiver. Tears pooled my eyes as I read that one day when her mother was being particularly cruel, and relentless in her chronic complaining, the daughter stepped outside the front door. Walked two blocks west, and without a word, threw herself from the over pass of the 5 freeway. Before I met the lady I work for, I would've emphasized with the mother, and felt sorry for her losing her daughter, and only person that took care of her. Now, after 6 years of utter hell, I realize that the tragedy is the only child of this woman feeling so over-whelmed by her own mothers cruelty, meanness, and self-centered existence, she was surely unable to put any value to her own life, and felt she had no escape but to end her life. One poster wrote that she is an RN, and she suggested that family members let other people take care of your narcissistic parents. She encourages to let "competent" people take care of your old, sick narcissistic parent. Well, I'm here to tell you that the people that are taking care of your parents are people like me. I would like to point out that, I, too am human just like all of you other women on this post. The woman I take care of did not raise me. So, the damage that she has caused me is not as extensive as the daughters, and sons that these cruel, wicked people have raised. But, in the 6 years that I have worked for this woman, I have developed high blood pressure, significant hair loss, chronic constipation, depression, lower back pain, anxiety, and a myriad of other symptoms. Knowing my employer the way I do, I sometimes am in awe at the utter path of destruction left behind this woman's trail. I have witnessed her cruelty, jealousy, arrogance, bitter, manipulative, lying, acting, vindictive, and self-centered behavior many times over. Sometimes erected at me. Other times times directed at innocent family members, neighbors, or several of the 32 additional relief caregivers that have come through her doors in the last 6 years. The level of her cruelty, lies, and vindictiveness have no boundaries. She has told me many, many times to "shut-up!", "get away from me you pig!", "you'll get yours...(ha ha) you just wait, and see" "bitch" "witch" "stupid" "fat pig" to name just a few. She has made fun of me in every possible way. Everything from the size of my shoe to my gay soon. She is a racist, and a bigot. She absolutely never has anything nice to say about anyone. She is a chronic complainer. She lies, and puts on a complete act to unsuspecting people that she is manipulating. She fakes everything from "falls" to "asthma attacks". She has told me more than once that "your sons will all be called to war, and they will all be killed". I witnessed her be especially cruel to family members, her own cats, and casual acquaintences. She is by far, the most cruel, and hateful person I have ever met, and it boggles my mind to see her when she is at her best. Which is when she is boldly manipulating and lying to unsuspecting people. By now, you must be thinking "why do you still work for her if she's as horrible as you say?"...and, trust me she is all that, and much worse! The answer is because I have two sons living at home, and pushing them through college. I can't afford to send them to a fancy university. So, they live at home still, and attend a community college. They will be earn their degrees through the long, arduous publicly educated system. They depend on me for the support I provide them. My employer pays me a fair wage. It's not a lot in the context of making $15.00 per hour. But, I work Monday through Friday in 24 hour shifts. That's 96 hours a week at $15.00 per hour. Do the math on that....nowhere could find a job at my age that enables me to take home over 2k a week without even a high school diploma. I stay because I love my family, and don't want them to ever have to be a slave to someone like the woman who I sometimes believe has bought my soul. She is 91, and as helpless as a pharanah. Her family hates her so much that maybe one or two of them may call every 6 months.mthey don't call and ask how she is. They just want to know if she is any closer to death so that they can guesstimate when to expect their inheritance. Did I mention she is a multi-millionaire who made all of her money through the manipulating, and pillaging of her own mothers estate...leaving all of her siblings with less than 2 nickels to rub together, and herself a multitude of commercial real estate in Hollywood, California. I could go on, and on....oh, and for of you reading this post, and thinking I have some other agenda...like maybe I'm thinking she will leave me some money when she dies, well pleas get that thought right out of your pretty head. Her Conservator, and Lawyer have made it crystal clear than she can not will one red cent to me. This is due to the fact that there are many scandalous and dishonest caregivers, and others who have taken advantage of the elderly. There are laws, thank goodness, that protect the elderly in California. She gives me a job. For that I am grateful. But,the price I pay to support myself, and family is incalculable. So, the next time you think that your narcissistic, mean, and cruel parent is better off with someone else taking care of them, yes, this may be true. But, we are just as abused, and sickened by your parents behavior as you are. I am grateful for my mom, and dad, and don't know how you poor people survived this sick, and evil persons.

So sorry you are dealing with this Only Child. You MUST set boundaries. It will be difficult but if you dont you may die before them from the stress. Seek counseling if possible. It will help with the transition. Be sure to make time for yourself every day and dont let anyone else take it away. Your thought patterns will change as you become more focused on self preservation and your son. You dont have to repeat ancient patterns. They wont change,but you can. They will change as you change. Prayers and hugs