How to respond to Mom (85) diagnosed with dementia? She's started sobbing a lot saying she wants God to take her.

Faithfulness: yes, that is my mother also. Dementia is awful because it brings out the worst in the person you loved. Mom is now 100 and has passed through a lot of the stages and behaviors you describe in your mother. She has always been a negative complainer, and with that kind of personality it gets worse as they age because they thrive on the "half empty glass". Like your mother, Mom only cares what other people think and has a "church face" for the people in AL, but that is not what she presents to us. She too is very independent, caring for her own needs but refuses to shower, use a walker and doesn't want anyone to help her do anything. She appreciates nothing, enjoys nothing (activities, music, attention, food, etc) and complains, wants her house and furniture back. She is on Zoloft which helps somewhat as before she would spend hours torturing herself with worry and stress, writing little notes over and over obsessing about the same things over and over and she was getting verbally aggressive. Now she is "fading", her memory is receding and she is a sad little person who exists with no interest or the same few topics of conversation that remain in her mind. You might want to talk to the doctor about some meds to alleviate some of your mom's anger and feelings of sadness because of loss of independence. Between the dementia and loss of everything they knew, it is hard for them to cope. (I am NOT looking forward to that phase in life, and unfortunately we all get there, but handle it differently.)

Risperdone helped my mother. She was having audio delusions. It was a nightmare. And, also paxil but she had been taking that so they just kept her on it and increased it. I'm glad your mom is better.

desert, were you making that 2 hr. trip every day? kinda interesting, either that she wasn't already in the hospital or that my friend's dad is, that she said they're keeping him there to keep him off his Coumadin? then doc told another friend of mine fever was common after hip surgery so yea, but horrible about your mom but what about her pancreas? didn't think you could live without those....but was really wondering more about why was your mom not being able to keep her RBC up

Debsdaughter.She was going to have a knee replaced,so the Dr told me to withhold her Coumadin,for 5 days.Which,I did.After the surgery,after she was back in her roomlater,about...5 hours,they came in and gave her her 'coumadin booster'..I ,having some knowledge of this subject,said"What""Are you sure? % doses??!!??" The nurse looked at me and smugly said,with a cute little giggle,"And what medical school did YOU go to ,Doctor?"..I just told her that I was surprised at the doseage.She then gave it to my mom and left.No doubht to mock me to her nurse buddies,all huddled over the latest issue of People at the Nurses Station...Not 20 minutes later,someone noticed that her hands were swelling!I looked,and they were,Asked the Nurse,and she said it was quite common for that o happen after surgery.Now,,Ive been in the medical field for like 20 years,right? And been with friends having surgery nd what not,but have NEVER seen this.She 'poo pooed' it..Within 2 hours,my mom was in ICU throwing massive blootr clots into her lungs...Blew out her Pancreas somehow...Grrrr...So,fast forward,2 months,and One day,I read about a substance made from the venomous snake's venom,that is now commonly used in conditions of patients not being able to keep their RBC up...I cornered the Dr.and asked him about it,and he said that"yeah,they do tat sometime'...I said,"Um,do you think this might be a good time to try? I mean,she is like a little squirrel in her bed,not eating,or communicating?' so he did.Th e next morning,I got the usual morning call about my moms progress{ I live 2 hours from the hospital",they were all excited bcz her RBC had come up "dramaticly"!!!!!!!! Really???!!! I think if she had been a younger person,they would have done it right away.The medical community is starting to have a secret agenda,ok,well,SOME of them,to just let old folks die...I know,I know,I sound like a nutty conspiracy theorist,but Everything Ive seen,and still AM seeing indicates this it true.

wow, desert, oh my, I really think I was somewhat going through the same thing with my mom - or somebody wanted me to be, or rather wanted her to be, and me out of the picture; my uncle - her youngest brother - talked my dad into - and, yes, her doctor went along with it with no evaluation - getting him to prescribe Aricept for her, after them deciding she had dementia, with her continually complaining about how it made her feel, and this same doctor not wanting her to even have hip replacement surgery she'd been needing for 3 yrs. but he wouldn't give her the medical clearance the surgeon required, saying that, at 80, she was too old and frail; well, I guess so, if your hip was bone on bone causing constant pain with every step - even his nurse was upset about it and, without really knowing that was the cause, at least pushed him to sent her for PT, which is actually where they found that was the problem when they insisted on Xray before they would continue it caused her so much pain; they even then tried to keep on but finally even they started pushing her doctor but it wasn't until she finally fell and fractured it that he at least then did agree to evaluate her and did then clear her but then she was always prone to problems with anesthesia, not sure if that's what contributed to the "sundowner's" problems she had that nobody told me about, or at least that's what her doc said it was, though, looking back I'm not so sure, since she didn't seem to have it once she began to really come out of the anesthesia, or at least enough that she was getting up out of bed by herself when they said she wasn't supposed to be, trying to go to the bathroom while they wanted her to still have a catheter, supposedly easier to manage? and they didn't like it when I told them when she tried to pull it out; think they just wished I weren't there and they could just let her go, too; they did end up making me leave with - and had I only known - my uncle there - at least till the next day when I went back and they were trying to change all her meds but then not give her what she was begging for, when the doc had just been there, so we went and found him and got him back and he didn't have any problem but they were mad about it, then the next day they started bringing in paperwork; now, granted, by then she was wore out with everything they'd put her through so she just handed it off to dad, who just signed it without even looking at it, which should have alerted me more than it did and in spite of her being tired it did alert her; turned out it was to place her in a facility, which had not been the plan, but with no POA I couldn't do anything about it except go talk to the head nursing administrator, who, once again, said I would have to leave so they could talk to her themselves and see what she had to say - just so glad she was able and willing to tell them that that had not been the plan and that, no, that wasn't what she wanted, that that's what I was there for, was to take her home - so when got back her surgeon's nurse practioner came in, who I'd made all the arrangements with in the first place, and seemed so surprised to see me she just turned around and left coming back with the surgeon himself, who also seemed surprised, apparently he'd been told I'd gone home (being 5 hrs./2 state away) and had only been there for her surgery and hospital stay; when he learned I was there to also take her home, he didn't have any problem with it - turned out his NP went to church with my uncle's wife and they'd hatched up this whole other scheme. I stayed with her for 6 weeks.
But I'm curious about this whole red blood cell count thing with your mom because I went through that with my dad

We are our parents only advocate, hospitals only care about the bottom line, when my mother was in the hospital during pneumonia they never encouraged her to get up until I said do you think she could sit up in a chair a little bit, she had been flat on her back for almost 10 days. They assume she was an invalid at 84 she could have been and became one. Prior to that I could not keep her in bed. After that she never got out of bed on her own again. We tried therapy but she acted like a baby deer trying to walk for the first time they finally gave up. It became more and more difficult to deal with her stubbornness and she gave up. Now she has no choice to lay in bed wheel chairs cut off her circulation and now even gerry chairs are uncomfortable if she is in them too long. She is between a rock and a hard place. She has one foot also in the grave and one foot out not sure which way she is going when? Do not want to lose her but would like her out of her misery, she is causing all of us to be in her misery as well.

That would be my worry about euthanasia in a nutshell. Third party payors will find it cheaper than treating the ills of older people or people with disabilites who have reasons to want to live.

Debsdaughter,I had her evaluated thoroughly,months before.Also,having been in geriatric nursing for over 20 years,I knew a lot of the signs.Plus,I went kinda nutso on Ambien myself,after using it a year.Embarrassingly so..The hospital treated her that way because it would have been easier than treating her for a HUGE mistake they made during her knee replacement.If they could have just kept her 'snowed',her decline,would have gotten even faster,and I have no doubt that she would have died.They gave her FIVE doses of Coumadin after her knee replacement.All at once.I stopped the nurse,and said" Um,are you sure? Can you double check those orders"? She smugly said,"Oh,and just what medical school did YOU go to ,doctor?haha" My only regret is that I didnt pursue it.Within minutes,she started throwing blood clots and her red blood cells were out of wack.Coma time.Gather the family,yadayadayada,my sister started passing the hat at her church,for her 'grief'{she didnt give a rats ass,except for money}. I stayed w.mom for 2 months and read all of the reports and questioned everyone.One day,I read an article about how the researchers had developed a compound out of certain venomous snake's poison.I pinned her doctor down,and asked him about it.he admitted that ,'well,yes,it was used,and with some success".I said,'well,its been almost 2 months,Im sorta willing to try anything,think its time? Or do I need to fly to S.America and get these snakes?".MY mom looked like a small flying squirrel in the hospital bed.SO,I talked them onto trying it.GUESS WHAT!!!!!Within 35 hours???Her red blood count was responding and she was getting better!!!The doctors were so proud of themselves!!!hah..I dont care who got the credit,as long as I got mom back.So a week later? I brought her to my home,where she has been for 3 years now.Happy,with a cool cat that adores her,and she him.SHE IS HEALTHY,EXCEPT FOR THE BUM KNEE,[WHEN SHE WAS IN A COMA,THEY NEGLECTED TO Exercise it,after all,she was 80...sigh...DOCTORS DO NOT CARE about seniors!!!All seniors need strong,hardass savvy advocate.i AM SURE THAT MY MOM WOULD BE A MEMORY NOW IF I HADNT BEEN A PUSHY BLOND KNOW IT ALL..Sorry about the caps,but my cats are hovering.My point is,DONT GIVE UP!!!!!!!!People NEED to feel like they are needed and have a purpose.More than they need any meds,almost.If any of you are going thru this? PLEASE contact me.I will talk you thru it,ok? Honestly? I feel like I saved my moms life.She gave up.They treated her lie a brain damaged indigent.It was easier that way,for them.I personally? Need her to be around for as long as possible.She is the absolute love of my life.MOst of the time? Im like her mom,but sometimes? I just want her snuggled up to me.I will never be able to live with myself f I let that go too easily.She is..my best friend.My soulmate.

Jude AH53,

You said it, sister!

Dementia is notoriously difficult to be definitive about. Most tests only definitively identify some dementias post mortem which is pretty unhelpful. My mums demetia vascular and alzheimer (so mixed dementia) falls into both categorie - the vascular is identifiable via scans but the alzheimer's is not. I live day to day with just a few meds - she needs them to exist - heart etc but only one dementia related drug donepezil and while her memory has imroved dramatically her sleep has gone to pot.

Caregiver Rob - love your approach when you visit your greandma. I am perhaos gonna be blasted for this but I am going to say it anyway. I simply cannot do that 24/7 - it is physically and mentall too draining forme and as I am the mainstay in all of this (OK my kids do visit sometimes) the bulk of it falls on me to do. Yes I get fed up, yes I get resentful that if I go out for an hour I get 2 days worth of earache - (so I stop going out). Yes I find it damned difficult that she is so utterly negative every second of every day. Yes I hate her telling me I am ugly and fat (nothing new there - I have always been that in her eyes). Yes I get peed off that she tells everyone how I spend her money (Well someone has to buy groceries etc and she cant). I have to say when mumm starts on the I wish god would take me - there is a part of me that thinks the same.

I hate that our respective country's drug companies are spending huge amounts on keeping us alive presumably so they can they sell the drugs they have devised to attempt to keep our brains alive too. I can only hope for euthenasia to become legal by the time I need it. God forbid that I should become the person my mother is

Repsect for drugs and their individual good and bad effects is essential. SO many good examples here.

My mom was on Ambien five years ago and I am not sure how long. I am sure that she would be dead now if we hadn't taken her off of it. We spent a winter together and that was when I realized that she was hallucinating, sleepwalking, babbling, a total mess. Google "problems with ambien." You won't believe what you read. I took her off of it when she dumped a cake onto the living room floor in the middle of the night (LOL).

CaregiverRob, you have a nice technique with your Grandma - validation and re-direct. I also have success when I do that and problems when I don't. Not a bad technique with everyone.

Desert, I absolutely agree with you. Our parents have been responsible for themselves and want to continue as much as possible with a little safety net. They don't want to take over our lives or be a burden, so being able to give them their space while keeping an eye on them, gives them the best possible environment.

and also btw, that's great! sounds like she's doing so good now!

so, desert, how and why were they treating her as if she did and how did they decide she didn't?

Remember: one of the major things to remember about dementia sufferers is that they do not make new memories, so they don't learn new things.

Can her doc get her on an anti-anxiety med,like Zoloft? It has worked wonders for my mom.

Yes!!! She did NOT have dementia at all!!!! But if they had continued treating her as if she had? Who knows? She is downstairs vacuuming her little apartment right now! Eldercare,in this country,really pisses me off. Danamovedon,no it wasnt.I added 2 small rooms,one living room and one bedroom.It gave her her own space,and her privacy.She got to decorate it,and picks the paint colors,and almost everything else.I Love the fact that she is right under my bedroom,and I got a baby monitor,to hear her at night.BEST thing I ever did! She stayed in the main house w/me,bt kept acting like a 'guest'.like not wanting to open the fridge,asking if she could have a cuppa tea etc.We have to remember that our parents lived full and responsible lives b4,and to rob them of it now? well? Maybe thats why many of the DO give up?

Desert, I've just about decided my father will be best if he lives with me, too, but I'd like to give him his own apartment. Was that hard to do?

so, desert, are you saying it turned out your mom didn't have dementia?

Even tho I had repeatedly requested that the staff NOT give my mom ambien for sleep,they continued to do so.She would be fine,then turn into a crazy person when given Ambien,{as I do also.} Your mom might in fact HAVE dementia,but please make sureshe is evaluated by a third party.I did,and am so glad I did.My mom has since moved into a small apartment hat I had put onto my house,takes cares of herself and even yesterday helped me with water and my vitamons after I had some dental surgery.Point is? Make sure she really IS ill and not just being written off as "old and in the way"...Good luck,my heart goes out to you...

wow, Sandy, what a story - so sad, especially at the end, although, dare it say it, might have been a blessing in disguise with everything else - my dad ended up falling down his front steps and dying from it - do I wish it hadn't happened that way? sure, but do I wish he'd lasted longer in the shape he was in, can't say I do - I feel for you; I was somewhat trying - and did, at various times - to take care of my dad while homeschooling just 1 - can't imagine having tried to do while trying to homeschool 3 - but while doing that he had his grandson being with him as well and being the one going through the constant phone calls when he could still leave him or even before he actually started staying with him and when I would start staying with him to give him a break after he did and even when I would be staying with him before at various times before he started he would either call him all the time or want me to when I was there and even sometimes then when I wouldn't he'd find his phone number, which was posted on his wall - maybe I should have taken it down when I was there - and call him and want to know what he was, what he was doing, when he'd be back - I did at least make sure he was back in town on those times when I was staying with him for him to go out of town and knew he wasn't going to be able to be coming right away - but was so hard trying to deal with dad with those times but, like you, he needed those times away because it is hard,even at best.
Regarding medications we had the opposite situation with the Haldol; far from sedating him it made dad worse but then instead of them seeing that and quitting they just kept giving him more, saying they must not have given him enough - 4 doses they gave him till I said enough - I never knew some never recover and maybe he didn't; he never really seemed the same after that but he did get over what they claimed they were giving it to him for, which he was getting physical as well; they had a nurse sit with him before they started giving it to him but giving it to him didn't help, just made it worse; this was when he'd been taken to the hospital, admitted to icu, but mainly think then because it was policy in their icu to be catherized, was what he was really fighting and thinking, yes, basically, that he'd been kidnapped and taken to the hospital, if he even realized that's where he was - he'd collapsed at home and been found but had been at least somewhat roused up enough to finally agree, in that sense, to go, but not really up enough to really realize he had so he was scared and maybe not hallucinating but certainly didn't realize he was in the hospital or if did, why, and honestly, looking back, not really sure myself - I know they did find he'd had a heart attack but they weren't going to do anything about it and they said it was not uncommon for patients in icu, maybe especially elderly, maybe already with dementia, to have what they called hospital psychosis; anyway, he'd taken a sleeping pill every night for a long time and that's all really he was wanting, was his pill, which of course you know how that is once you're in the hospital; what told them, if they'd just call the doctor and quit trying to calm him down with a shot but just get him to give him a pill, or honestly, I was just about ready to send somebody to the house or store - they were just otc - or somewhere and get him some kind of pill - a M&M might have worked at that point - and get him something to take - so they finally did - they didn't want to; it was late at night by then but if they'd just done it earlier wouldn't have gone through all that I don't believe; Ambien is what they ended up giving him and at least it did - or at least didn't seem to have adverse affect, like some have said, thankfully - or at least the act of taking something - calm him down and he - and I - were able to get some sleep - and the staff was able to get back to work

Also having said all that I never knew anything about these side effects of Aricept either; don't remember ever seeing that but may not have been on these type boards back then when they gave it to my mother, who did have hallucinations but was also dealing with other things back then that I attributed it to; will say though that she did have things to say about being on it, that, now I wish I'd paid more attention too; actually even as I type this it's making me really wish I had; I wonder how much difference it might have made - I'm now just hating that so bad - so glad you at least found that out to at least ease her from that - it was so horrifying for her

Having said that, I'm not sure I'd known that about what's said about Seroquel but my friend's mother, diagnosed with Alzheimer's, is given that - they say somewhat to help her sleep, or at least to help with her agitation when it's bedtime - not that she doesn't have it other times but that's when they really would like for her not to be in order to sleep, which it does help with it and therefore then does help her to sleep, not that it necessarily in and of itself helps her to sleep so...

Dementia is one horrific disease and doesn't differentiate! Good luck.

I took care of my grandmother who raised me for 10 years, the last 6 years around the clock because of dementia.

It was the hardest time and very rough, but I rejoice in the bits of laughter we had, loved seeing her laugh.

For the most part, everything I did was wrong, according to her. They are having a hard time adjusting to the fact that they CANNOT take care of themselves.

In the last year, she went to live in a residential home. She acted the same as you mother.

Now my father in law is going through the same. Acting the same as you describe, the same as my gram.

One thing I noticed that I'd like to tell you, is that both my grandmother and my father in law were given the TWO dementia drugs Aricept, and Namenda.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved two types of medications — cholinesterase inhibitors (Aricept, Exelon, Razadyne) and memantine (Namenda) — to treat the cognitive symptoms (memory loss, confusion, and problems with thinking and reasoning) of Alzheimer's disease.

Neither my Father in law nor my grandmother had Alzheimer's they both suffer from dementia.

Those medications caused BOTH of our family members worse emotional pain. They caused delusional thinking. Both of them even had hallucinations.

They also gave my FIL Ambien! Everyone in the family thought he was AWAKE ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT, but in reality he was in his sleep. Those are the side effects of the medications.

We took my grandmother OFF the "memory help" drugs and she no longer hallucinated.

The same for my FIL. We took him off the "memory" drugs and the ambien and he is so much better.

Dont know if your other is on those. But it's worth looking into.

WHAT DID WORK FOR BOTH: Seroquel. Very helpful. Yes, you will read online that it says "not for the elderly, not for dementia" but it worked well for them and it works well for many with dementia.

On top of the Seroquel, both my grandmother and FIL took/take depression medication SSRI My grandmother took Celexa, I cant remember which my father in law takes, but he takes one.

They both were sometimes on xanax. Whatever works

My grandmother tried the Resperidal that someone mentioned to you already. For some reason it didnt work. But I remember look back and studying the medication and others that used it and realizing that we didnt give it enough time, I believe is a medications that takes time to work and also, we didnt adjust the strength. We just gave it to her and thought it didnt work.

Because the MEMORY help drugs caused such horrible behavior, side effect and reactions from both my grandmother and FIL. They both needed to be heavily sedated. Because we didnt know that those were side effects, till I read it on boards like this one. Doctors never told us, the pharmacist never told us.
For my grandmother we did not know how to handle her hulucinations, she thought everyone was against her, she didnt trust us, she was scared....she would try to fight us, she thought she was being kidnapped.... it was bad, so bad that no medication would calm her down.....until the doctor gave us Haldol. I DO NOT RECOMMEND Haldo, unless a last resort. The thing that makes me mad, is that she wouldnt have needed the Haldol, if we knew that it was the Aricept, and Namenda. (memory drugs) causing this trouble with her. We did not know the side effects, so instead of taking them away from her, we gave her more drugs on top of it. The Haldol worked to sedate her, nothing else would, she was getting physical, she wouldnt sleep for days, she didnt want to eat, she thought she was being poisoned. Looking back, she was right, she was being poisoned by the memory drugs, they were making her feel and see things she didnt need to feel and see.

The Haldol sedated her, but she began dribbling, very week, shaky voice, couldnt talk. Some people never recover from haldol. Thank God my Gram did. We got her off of it in less than a week.

We got her off the dementia drugs. And things were better. Not perfect but better. She no longer needed the xanax daily.

Same with my FIL. Took him off the Aricept, and Namenda. and he no longer needs xanax to calm him.

Just something to look into and to be aware of.

The rest of the problems..... Well, they are not happy. They never will be really happy. They have lost their lives and their families, they are dying....its a no wonder they need depression medication, anxiety medication and seroquel or resperidal.

They arent going to get any better in that department. If they do, they are just dealing with all their feelings alone and keeping it inside.

At the same time. WE AS CARETAKERS go through the same. And we have to take care of ourselves. And sometimes that means we CANNOT anylonger take care of them. For me that was heartbreaking, sending my Gram to a residential home.

But, I WASNT takeing care of myself at all in those last year. I was caring for her and raising three children and homeschooling them.

I ended up heaving health issues caused by stress....and the doctor said I could no longer do it.....

My grandmother was mean to me as I cared for her, she was also nice sometimes. She treated me like I do nothing for her, when I did everything. She needed CONSTANT emotional soothing and conversation to sooth her and tell her "Its going to be alright".. that was CONSTANT for YEARS....and the minute I went to the kitchen to cook for her, or to do her medications, or to talk to her doctors on the phone....she was yelling "Sandy! What are you doing?!" as if I was waisting time.

She never even know that I took care of her all those years, because she had a memory that lasted one minute. As soon as I took her lunch plate, she forgot she ate. So she never knew all that I did for her. So we get no THANK YOU'S and we get YELLED AT sometimes and it feels like we are NOT APPRECIATED.

But, it's not their fault, they have dementia, their brain is disintegration and dying.

If they were younger and already had some problems in behavior/manners/ personality (as my Gram did) than, we cannot expect that to get better as they are aging with dementia. We can expect it to get worse....and its not their fault.

Their brains ARE NOT going to progress. There are little things we can try to teach them.... like consequences.... because they act like children.....but there is no guarantee that will work, because they are not children with brains progressing.... they are our elderly with brains digressing. None of us would be happy in that circumstance.

If my grandmother had my phone number while a caretaker had her through the night (in her home care a few nights a week, so I could take my kids home and we could TRY to sleep)....then my grandmother would call me all through the night.... there were times that I finally had to not write my number down for her....and just have the caretaker call me when it was an emergency. Because I couldnt deal with that anymore. Sadly

But, when she was in a home....they need lots of visits. They need us to visit without calling, so we can check on the caretakers.. They may seem nice....but take lots of notice of their personalities.

My grandmother was abused in her "nice" Residential home. They hit her, they pushed her, they were rude and harsh with her and they knocked her down in a bathroom and she broke her hip and died from it.

Please visit your family members and go through the trouble of removing them from homes if you have ANY INDICATION of wrongful personalities working for them.

Install camera's, I wish I did.

That's the thing about dementia. It can screw with a person's personality or exaggerate things that were already there. You have to keep reminding yourself that and not take it too personally. It can be a roller-coaster of emotions from the person who has it who doesn't understand what is going on and is incapable of expressing themselves. They may have lots of anxiety about things we consider unimportant. There's a write-up on Dementia by the Mayo Clinic that I keep handy, which does a good job of reminding me what I'm dealing with and p10 suggests non-drug therapies - suggestions on what you as the caregiver can do to help. I found I was doing the opposite. Here's the link: mayoclinic/diseases-conditions/dementia/basics/definition/con-20034399?p=1

Faithfulness: Your situation mirrors mine...and I am sure so many others here. From picking up helpful tips here and through others, this is what is currently working for me when I visit my grandmother and she exclaims:
1) "I want to go home!", "I'll walk home soon if no one takes me", "This is no place for me.", "What's wrong with my home?", "Its ridiculous to have a home and not be there!" - I answer: "I know grandma...I want to go home too." (She thinks I am traveling more for work now) "How about we go home when (the weather is better, so-and-so is back in town, the swelling in your legs goes down, doctor bills are paid off, etc.)... for now let's go for a walk. Then just get up and walk, knowing she'll follow. All the time I talk about other things, such as the facility cat, the clouds, the green grass, current events, family happenings. (Validation & Re-direct )
2) "No one does nothin' 'round here. No one talks to me. Everyone sleeps." - I respond with: "I know grandma...not everyone can be as active as you. Let's go for a walk and talk to some of the other residents." Then we go and she follows and I meet and talk with the other residents and do the introduction between her and others and we all talk about anything and everything. (Caregivers know by now that a person with dementia can be doing something every waking minute...though due to their condition, they will not remember what they just did...and unfortunately feel like they have done nothing.) The other residents with lessor degrees of dementia really appreciate me talking with them. My grandma asks each time how I know "these people". ;-)
3) "Why am I still here (alive)? This is nuts!" or other anger issues. - I just try to do the validate and re-direct method again. "I know grandma (give her a hug). How about we go play the piano?" Then just go towards the piano and tell her I want to hear her play. Even when she says: "Okay, that's enough, no one wants to hear my noise!." I just tell her that I do...Its important to me...that others do, that she plays beautiful music and I want to hear more." That usually gets at least 5 more songs outta her. ;-) 5 more songs worth of her being content, 5 more songs worth of her mind being at the age when she was happier, 5 more songs where I don't hear "I want to go home NOW!" ...and I again re-setting to remember to just validate, then re-direct. Continued best!

My mother is in an Assisted living facility and it certainly has introduced me to the wide variety of parent hild relationships. They vary from a daughtwer ho is there every day to make sure for 97 year olf her her scrambled eggs to her idea of what hr mother wants - otherwise she sends them back to the kitchen. She also talks evey minute she is with her mother so i think that daughters heart will break when her mother dies. no one will ev er listen to her chattring with such a look of love. Several daughters cook food at home and bring it to their mother in her aptments next fo=door to my motheres because their mother fears not being able to rmember anyones name. My mother doesn't put up with much from me but I actully think its good sign. I will invriably turn into my short tempered fathr when I have to hlp find her hearing aids everyth other day and once I start screaming about why she can't just take them out evry night in the same place she now looks me in the eye and says " If you're planning to stand there and yell at me for being an idiot , you cn just turn around and go home." At those moments I realize that is me who doesn't want to acknowledge her memory will never "just get better." And its me who wants her to act the way she did twenty years ago, I have two sistrs and the othr tow have never visited. the relationship you hae with your parent as they age started a long, long, long time ago and in some ways dementia simply makes people more of who they are. My mother tendency to worry endlessly is now paranoia. Hearing aid battery problems and trying to keep her from being as deydrated as every else in her facility does make her more incohernet than she needs to be,Her sense of humor is now her saving grace. And for me its given me a sense that all our outings for tea or making dinner at my house are nowhere near as conscintious as those of the other 'kids.' I don't show up 3 times a day but I don't come by at least once every other day. I know my Mom wou;d like me to be less spontaneous and spend at least two hours a day " like her friends "kids" but I can't. Mostly because its too exhausting to keep my own short temper on a leash while we endlessly look for things before we go on outings. . I've learned a lot about myself...and it is not all good.

If I showed your story to my children and grandchildren they would be convinced I wrote it about my Mother. When I had to make the hard decision moving Mom from her home to Assisted Living she MAD and had one of her classic 'two year old' tantrums saying "I never thought you would do this to me." Yet when a friend would call or visit with her she would be another person and put on as you so well call it her "church face" and say things like "I don't know what I would do without Karen." Good advice from 'JudeAH53 ' "detach yourself as much as you can"....and walk away when she starts being her real self and bashing you. It really does help keep your sanity.

My mom is the very same way. Very manipulative and she is only 70 this year. She has threatened to call the attorney (which she did), change her bank accounts (which she did)--not all of them yet. It goes on and on. I have stopped going to the AL to see her because of her nasty attitude. It was making me ill--literally. Rash on my skin, tense neck, sick to my stomach all the time and very anxious and tired. I am feeling so much better since I haven't been. I do carry a suitcase of guilt with me everyday, everywhere I go, but lagging that around is much easier than the constant criticism she would give me. she talks about me to the staff at the AL and I am just now getting over that. After being "here" on the site for a year, I have taken much needed advice and it is working--slowly, but it is working for me. My mom too was on Resperidone and she paced the floors and stayed awake for days. We had to take her off of it. Not much works for her.

I hope you can find so some peace in all this. Don't make yourself ill or you will be in worse shape than her.