My Mom has always been pessimistic - she can think of the worst scenarios for a sunshiney day. Very negative. She is great for being 85. At her Home, she has musical programs, activities 2-3 times a day every day, personal care givers, beautiful room, everything she needs and more. She's 9 months in her 'Home' having fallen at home with my husband and I. The doctor's diagnosis from the Hospital put her in the Home to keep her safe as she has dementia (and did start fires on the stove at home). She is jealous of her neighbor's attention from the caregivers - the woman can't do anything for herself so 4 aids get her up and ready in the morning. My mother can go to the bathroom, get dressed, make her bed, move in her wheelchair anywhere in the Home - her poor neighbor can't do any of that - yet my mother scorns the attention her neighbor gets. My Mom was also angry about having to 'help' the 101 year old woman at her breakfast table opening her butter!!!! She said the people there are idiots and 'she's not' - very much lacking compassion for these ladies who have been nothing but nice to her. She says she wants out of the facility yet won't go when we try to take her somewhere. Underneath I know she is angry and wants to be home where my husband and I took care of her every whim for 10 years and I for the 20 years before my husband. We quite our jobs and moved in to help her as she has macular degeneration also. One day she is laughing about winning bingo that she wouldn't play previously because of her macular degeneration and the next day she wants God to take her and can't stand the 'sensations' in her shoulder (post surgery nerve damage and then shingles in the past). I don't go running because she will just puppy down with that - if I gave in and ran over there at every call - she would never have tried the Bingo which she has to start taking part in things for her own good. Whatever she does her stimulus is ANGER. She can't do ANYTHING good with a healthy and positive reason. She has a 'church' face and then the 'truth'. Does anyone else deal with a manipulative emotional blackmailer type of parent? My mother was totally codependent on us and me specifically her whole life. She always has to have someone to 'step' on to feel good - she doesn't know that everyone can be on the same level. Also she has no esteem and needs her 'stuff' - jewelry and all - to feel 'better than'. She lives for compliments and has an extremely shallow outlook. She has no off button - if you feed into filling her 'void' with compliments, gifts and attention, it doesn't last - it's a black hole with no bottom. Now, with the complication of her memory and perceptions - she is just in a dither and keeping herself stressed out and anxious. The nurses give her meds and let her eat in her room and stop in to talk - she has a psychiatrist visit every week - has depression and anxiety meds....she is determined to be miserable and just stays constantly 'anxious' and 'stressed' and changes like the wind if the minister stops in for a visit so this is how I know it's somewhat contrived for my benefit to keep me upset and in line. If it was real - I would fly there and move in if need be - however - I know it will do more harm than good and she will then continue her poor behaviors like she's been 'confirmed' - I, therefore, don't 'jump' or call the nurse or anything and she needs to deal with her attitude and damage she's done all by herself like an errant child or she'll never be any better. Thanks for listening. I know what's right - I have has IBS, heart issues, muscular back issues and shoulder surgery over the past years so am trying to manage the stress so do not want to succumb to her exaggerations babying her or she will never 'grow up' and start to adjust healthfully. Anyone have info on how you respond to this kind of stuff?
I even got him to go to day care three times a week and he likes them and they love him. Talk to your doctor.
The simple fact is, when certain people deteriorate and decline with old age, they cannot function like before -- or like the rest of us. Alzheimers affects cognizance, perception, manners, socializing, even reason. In some elderly, their formerly negative tendencies get hugely magnified, and they don't have the social sense to hide them. Be patient, loving and charitable with your mom. She's declining and she knows it probably. And it's scary to her. We don't know how we'll each decline and what we'll be like when we're close to dying. All you can do is love her and reassure her. I found that for my elderly dad, when I brought our priest to him to talk with him, give him the sacraments, and represent that Christlike presence to him, it was greatly affirming to him. I, too, took care of my dad for 8 years in our home before a serious hospitalization for sepsis forced us to put him in nursing care.
I don't really have any miracle message for you. Just do what you have to for yourself, and maybe if your view of her changes, you will find a way to connect with her on a loving basis. Prayers and hugs to you.
We become what we absorb. Hence, if we have a Standard American Diet (meaning focusing on high-carb processed foods), we become mentally and physically ill. If we dwell on negative thoughts, we become negative even with the best diet.
If you can, you might try to get her to make some dietary changes. Maybe she can take more fish oil, and put butter, olive oil, and coconut oil on her food. You’d need an enlightened nutritionist to back you up; I don’t know if they’re available where you are.
Yet if she’s determined to be self-absorbed and pessimistic, it’s unlikely she’ll improve.
But at least you can take care of yourself! Eat your good natural fats (not trans fats). Reduce your carbs. (Look up the ketogenic diet – it’s helped many people.) You can deal with stress better if you’re physically and emotionally stronger. Blessings to you.
So while one set of meds works for one there are no guarantees at all.
What I would say and it is really hard to do is detach yourself as much as you can and go visit when YOU want to. Remember she may need help you may be offering help but ON YOUR TERMS. If she is rude to you walk away you don't have to put up with it. Narcissism is a beast that can only occur if you allow it - that said I have allowed it so don't think I haven't a clue....I've fed the beast for years and now reap the consequences and they aren't easy either. You DON'T have a DUTY to care for your Mum you do have a choice and it is OK to choose NO. You just have to live with your choices. Being the coward that I am I chose yes because I can't live with the alternative - this would be breaking a promise to my Dad and I really couldn't live with that. So sit back consider what you are going to accept and make a decision and stick with it. Good luck because none of this will be easy at all xxxxx
Well, dementia, memory loss, alz. Is there ever clear diagnosis?
She is great and no bad reactions.
Basically going through the same thing but at home. Nothing we say or do is ever enough or good enough. Negative all around and wanting to bring everyone down to her level, bringing others down actually makes her feel better. Crazy, right??? Anyway to get attention is a good way from not showering to leaving whatever kinds of messes she can around the house for others to have to clean up. She can shower herself, she just won't and she knows where the trash can is but won't use it. She knows it makes people upset and knows if she keeps doing it she will get attention through confrontation.But let someone come over that does not live here and she is like night and day or better yet go to a doctors appointment and she is fine and dandy. I'm convinced she knows exactly what she is doing. Trying to manipulate situations to get what she wants at the moment.
I refuse to live like that so I do not respond to any of it anymore. I do what I have to do as far as cleaning or care but I just do not say anything about anything that does not have to be said.
Both my mom and dad were very negative. Naturally, after he passed and she become more stricken with dementia, it got worse. All I can say is, the correct medications have changed our lives...and the medications are:
Citalopram 20 mg. for depression, and
Risperdone 0.05 mg. for delusions.
Oh, let me tell you about those delusions. They were not fun and all directed at me--who else was there? ( no sibs). My mother said such awful things about me to the other residents at the AL that they were all recommending to her that she call her lawyer. They stared at me when I arrived--the ones who remembered anything. Now, after the senior behavioral clinic and correct meds, she is peaches and cream every day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As I have mentioned before, I thank the doctors daily who gave this to my mother. We have nice visits because of these medications and for no other reason.
If you can detach or remove yourself a bit from the constant exposure and realize that you cannot make her happy or content, you will feel much better.
Good luck and hugs to you.