My mother is trying to talk my nephew into moving her out of the assisted living facility to another town in Arkansas. She wants to live on her own, however the reason she is in a facility is because medical professionals stated she cannot live on her own again. She has also told him all she needs is $1500 for a lawyer and I cannot prevent her from leaving. She has now stated she disowns me as her daughter. I know this doesn't effect the legal document. I don't want to have her declared incompetent, but I will take this to court if he goes behind my back and tries to take her out of the facility. I have notified the place where she lives that he may try this. I want to know if I can have him arrested if he does since he will be putting her in danger. He is only listening to what she says and does not know the facts behind her situation. I am not sure what to do next. Any help?
of dementia in itself might be all you need. Keep talking to the home and medical professionals as they have already determined she cannot be alone as it would be dangerous for her to do so. I doubt that the facility would allow him to move her...they could be sued. He's just a nephew and you a daughter with power of attorney. Have you asked the facility what they would do if he tries...I believe they would call the police themselves. Going to court would be a waste of money as no court is going to give him DPOA. Good luck and don't worry too much..just cover things with her doctor and the facility.
He does have the best intentions for his grandmother but how would he feel if he stole grandma, falsified documents, put her into her own home and after he left grandma over medicated herself and died, grandma fell broke a hip, was hospitalized and died, grandma forgot a pot on the stove, caught the house on fire and grandma died, grandma left the house and wandered the neighborhood was hit by a car and died? He may be hard headed but he needs to be shown that what he thinks are actions of love for grandma, can actually cause her death...could he live with that? He needs to be educated on the disease, invite him to come to this site and read all the questions, replies and stories.
You might write him a letter and begin by telling him that you are glad that he continues to visit with grandma and you are sure his visits are looked forward to. You are sure that he loves her and that he wants the best for her. I would go on to explain grandma's condition, what happens with dementia or alzheimers, how it will only progress and worsen, how she needs to have 24 hour care and be watched for her own safety. Tell him about this site and ask him to read it. If you want you may invite him for a meeting with her doctor if the doctor agrees. You might finish off by saying that everything that is being done is for her own good however you understand his concern. I do not know how much you would want to go into the ramifications of him trying to remove her and what he would be faced with. I would try to make it as pleasant as possible and non threatening. You need to demonstrate that you are doing everything within your power to care for Mom and appease him and quell his fears.
On the other hand, possibly you need to take a long hard look at the facility and make sure that it is a good place for Mom to be. Does his anger and wish to remove grandma have any merit? Can grandma live with you or any other family member and be taken care of?
I was told in no uncertain terms that my parent needed to be placed into a nursing home to live. I have been the caregiver and did not think it was necessary although it would have been a relief from a lot of work. I sought a doctor to help and he came up with the correct mix of medications and she is able to continue living in her home with me as caregiver.
Check out your options and approach this with care and love and if he does not want to listen, you will have no alternative but to seek legal assistance.
God Bless You on Your Journey
I think this is needless worry, because the medical professional have already decided she has to live in a facility, correct? That's the same thing as not being competent, I would think. Check with her doctors. Some people with symptoms of dementia are affected this way; that is, that they want to run away or run to the past when they could function. If you want to after consulting with your doc, have a conference with the nephew and explain this all to him. Be patient, it's a difficult period and after a time she will understand that you did what the docs advised.
As has been said, unless you do your diligence, you may encounter a tricky and unsavory outcome. Good luck!!
On a practical level, is the facility locked or can she come and go as she pleases and have any visitors she wants? Unless you keep her from going out and you ban visitors, she can sign a new POA document if someone brings it and some witnesses to see her sign it. (Do I sound paranoid yet :-)
Banning visitors is rather extreme. I should think the ALC would work with you to make sure she doesn't get someone to take her away without your approval. If she's there because of dementia, they'd be nuts to accept a new POA signed while she was in their care. I'd suggest sending a registered letter to the facility and your nephew stating that she's not capable of making that decision for herself. If you're particularly worried, have a lawyer send the letter. That might especially bring him to your nephew that he can't just spirit her away without serious consequences.
Good luck.
Reminds me of when my mother told her family doctor that he was going to give her travel insurers a reference to confirm that she was in good health and fit to fly to Ecuador. Bless him, he nearly fainted. He did give her a reference; and she did get to Ecuador and back in one piece; but he didn't quite phrase it like that...
You're right not to worry, your mother's case should be in safe hands with the ombudsman - and by giving him the facts you've done all you can. Wishing you a good outcome x
Just because a person has POA and can make decisions doesn't mean they can put somebody away like used luggage.
Anybody remember the UGLY LAWS(harboring the psychotic aunt in the attic?), they were done away with, in the 1970s, to make way for people who are disabled to have rights, to live and move around the way they wish.
Of course if your nephew is not a good care taker, or an opportunist, would be the only reasons he shouldn't be the caregiver.
Q: Have you ever tried to imagine what a nursing home
looks like to a person put into one against their will?
A: A jail.
when I was 44 after I had a stroke,
haven't had one in 12 years, thank God
but I can remember the family talk,
like I was deaf? and could not hear them.
Sometimes what is someones convenience,
is another person's reason not to live,
exactly how I saw going into a nursing home,
my family wanted to put me in.
It was mostly my sister,
who had my daughter through the ordeal.
No more solitude with your morning Joe (even if you need assistance)
replaced by a bunch of noise of people getting to a dining room and
a large group of people being served, the clamoring of trays, why do people
always say their loved ones are better off living in a nursing home?
I worked in one, in the mid 70's, the new Alzheimers and Assisted Living Facilities look good, but did you know...
if your relative gets the flu in Assisted Living it is not the CNA's job to help them sip down their tea or ear their toast, like you would do if they were with you.
That is just propaganda to lull you into thinking every thing is being done, for your loved one, next time you are at your facility, ask the RN or LPN ratio per facility or floor, you will find out it is only one and that CNA's are calling the shots in most facilities daily. That their is a certain schedule during the day when it is busy and another one at night... I was walking around a facility for 45 minutes at 700-745 at night, looking for the open house (that had been cancelled) while walking around I saw nobody, nobody in the dining room, nobody...when I went back down to the desk and was writing a note for the facility, I saw a pizza delivery man walk in the same as I did.
He rang a bell behind a potted plant, and out came a person to collect and pay for the pizza, one person. One person, that is how I found out the open house had been cancelled...who knows where anyone else was.
You facility should ask you to sign in
there is nothing wrong with wanting to be in your own home,
our 86 year old was in one of the new modern monstrosities,
they show modern apartments , suites, etc.
But our 86 year old had a small room,
maybe 10X12, that fit a twin bed,
a love seat, a table for her phone and
a tv stand and television.
She could make coffee but not much more
and she still has her wits about her,
but back then, she weighed 98 lbs,
and we would have lost her, for 6500 dollars a month.
Every body solves their own issues, in their own way,
I never said you did not solve yours.
And I never said that your mother's residential home was a jail.
I said being in one feels like jail.
And no I was never in jail,
but then I don't have to be in one to empathize.
And in that they are being sent there without their consent and will not be free to leave when they wish, the analogy is valid. That's all. Perhaps if our older people really had been to jail they wouldn't be so afraid of care homes? - but I'm not sure that thought is much comfort.
Madeaa, I would not dream of questioning a carer's decision about what is best for his or her loved one, and I'm sure Iwentanon wouldn't either. Surely if there's one thing this forum proves it's that you can only do your best with the reality you have to deal with. Everyone is free to disagree , but nobody has any business to criticise another's choice. xxx