My mom is 100% disabled and I want nothing to do with her anymore. I have power of attorney and have asked her to revoke it, but she said no. What can I do?

I hear _two_ questions. One is about POA, which has been answered. The other is about abandoning your mother. _Many_ seniors have a period of 'senility', during which they act crazily and feel inconsistently and inappropriately. It's like having a baby in the house ...except this baby knows English and may get on the telephone and cause trouble. This is normal. Deal with it. Learn, and especially join some sort of "caregivers support group". Your Mom cared for you when you were a child, now it's your turn to pay it forward. There's _no_ hope of her acting reasonably toward you or anyone else. Don't take it seriously, and try not to take it personally. That's life, right now your Mom NEEDS you, don't abandon her just throwing up your hands and saying "I want nothing to do with her any more."

Dear agulee,You are in a very tough spot at your young age. All I can do is share my experience,strength and hope with you.My older sister was POA for my mother.My sister's health was failing and she wanted to step down from POA.She did not notify my mother but had my mother declaired incompetent and had the active health care POA papers revoked.The courts appointed a legal guardian who took over everything.My mother was forced into a nursing home and my birth home was sold and funds were dispersed to the state.My mother was heart broken.

I think you are able to step down from being POA of your own free will.It is not up to your mother.She cannot legally force you to be POA any longer than you want to.I was named POA for a man I cared for.The situation became very unhealthy.I stopped working for him and told him I did not wish to remain his POA because, for my health, I needed to have no further contact.As far as I know he must have named someone else as his POA.
About you and your mother's relationship.For years I was angry with my mother for ways that she treated me over the years.She had done me many wrongs growing up and even into my teen years.She was not there for me.I was supposed to be there for her,almost like I was her husband,mother,counselor,etc. In the end,I saw that she was really a good,kind and very loving person doing the best she knew how.When I started to see things from a different perspective....maybe looking at her like God sees her..through eyes of love and forgiveness,I found a new relationship with her.In her last years,I was her primary caregiver.My sister did not help.I was alone in it.It took everything out of me.I decided to honor my mother because it was her body that brought me into this world.I did not want to have any regrets after she passed because that is the worst thing...regret.Nothing can be done when it is too late.I wanted her to know she was not alone,especially once my sister had her forced into a nursing home.She was helpless.I love my mother with all of my heart and now she is gone.She died in my arms cheek to cheek.I think you can stop being your mom's POA.There has to be some paperwork for your to fill out and she cannot force you to remain POA.I will pray for your situation asking God to bring you some comfort,guidance and good direction.
Cares.

You cannot institutionalize someone with a POA. You would have to be her legal guardian. You should first contact your local social worker informing them she is a vulnerable adult. Give them the names and addresses of her treating physicians. Inform them that you are the POA, but that you are resigning. Then do this to resign: http://info.legalzoom.com/resign-power-attorney-20524.html. If there is not a legal guardian or POA then the state will take custody, along with any assets she has for her care.

Caregiver abuse is an under discussed issue. Her POA may not be valid, if she was not lucid when she signed it. It sounds like she needs a guardian that is willing or needs to become award of the state.

The mother in this situation is - see above - 100% disabled. We go on to read that she is also going through a divorce; and that she suffers from both mental and physical ill health. I must admit I'm surprised that posters haven't been more curious about what ails the poor woman. The OP isn't the only one who's having a hard time of it, after all. And who's she divorcing? If it's someone she's afraid might force entry through a window the paranoia about intruders could start to make a bit more sense.

The OP, meanwhile, though, is 28 years old, on her way to college and therefore presumably quite capable of comprehending the straightforward advice that she can resign her POA in writing any time she likes. I personally would recommend that she copies her resignation to the aunt, also mentioned, with an invitation that the aunt might like to roll her own sleeves up and get involved. Then pack and leave, if she still wants to.

Because if I'm really honest I would guess that this thread blew up after a particularly stressful and emotional few days, such as one might well anticipate during these terribly hard family times, and God willing calm will restore itself. My sympathies go to them both, with wishes for better things ahead.

Use your POA to do what is best for your mom - I agree call whoever you need to & have her taken away to where she gets treatment - hold off resigning until everything is done for HER best treatment - you can sign the papers needed with that still intact

As POA you do not need to ever see her again - you can move if you want - once everything is set up then you can resign - you seem to be a caring person so you will feel guilty if you just abandon her, maybe not now but later - if/when your mom becomes stable she may change that, but as she is now no lawyer will allow any changes -

Being POA is not a life sentence but shows that person who gave it to you trusted you to make choices on their behalf - that holds a lot of sway with the powers that be when you call 911 & have her taken to mental facility - do this after you have educated what you can & can't do -

Pack up her toothbrush, comb, etc in a large purse - DO NOT INCLUDE her cell phone, cheque book, money etc - you have on hand in your own possession all insurance papers etc to give to whomever you call - you should think about having everything [even new toothbrush & comb] ready as much as you can then when next episode happens make your call - tell them YOU FEAR FOR YOUR SAFETY [which they can't deny how you feel] when she is near you - you may not realize it but you do because coming here is your first call for help ... soon you will need to make the next - good luck

If you have POA I believe you can institutionalize her. Sounds like if she is that unstable she needs to be in a mental facility before she harms others. Check with a mental facility but I believe that I am correct when I say you can commit her.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this horrible h*ll. You are being abused. I shudder to think how many decades this could possibly continue. Please save yourself and keep us posted. A 28-year old deserves parenting support as they are establishing their life, not this burden.

Here's a particular page from the Out of the Fog website that you might want to check out:

http://outofthefog.website/relationships-1/2015/12/6/unchosen-relationships

Here's a great page they have on setting boundaries:

http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries

Agulee, I can really relate to what you are going through. My mother-in-law has BPD, and I'm familiar with the manipulation. It worked on me for a long time, until I understood the power I had in the situation.

As others have said, POA is not what your mother thinks it is. It gives you the authority to act in certain matters on her behalf, but it is not a teather. You can resign at any time.

I'm assuming your mother is relatively young, based on your age. Aside from her mental illness, is she physically fit? Is she able to hold down a job, or receive some kind of disability income, or otherwise financially support herself? What is her functioning level in the world? Can she shop for her own groceries, make her own meals, pay her own bills, etc?

People with BPD are what some have called "insecurely attached," and have major abandonment issues, so they use various forms of emotional manipulation to control other people. You have to try to see the situation as clearly as you can, based on your own eyes, and not her clouded description of things. Right now, she is driving the bus from the backseat. You have to realize that you have control of the driver's seat, and can plot your own direction.

I highly recommend that you start seeing a therapist who has worked with adult survivors of childhood trauma. One term that may be useful for you to know, is "Complex-PTSD." You need to learn how to set healthy boundaries for yourself within the relationship with your mother. People with BPD who have not gotten treatment will run right over all reasonable boundaries. Luckily, you can learn the skill of identifying, setting, and enforcing boundaries.

There's a very good support group for adult children of borderline parents on Reddit, called RaisedByBorderlines. You can talk to a lot of people who have lessened or cut off contact with a parent with BPD. Here's a link: https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/

You may also want to check out two websites called "Out of the Fog," and "Out of the Storm." The key to your freedom is understanding that you already own the right to claim it. If your mother is not capable of caring for herself, you may have to arrange caregiving for her before you can lessen contact or cut things off for good, if that's what you choose. But, you are not her slave, and do not have to cater to her every paranoid thought. If she threatens to kill herself, call 911 (emergency services if you are not in the U.S.) and let them take her to a mental health facility. What she needs is mental health treatment, which I'm sure she's resistant to if she has BPD.

My mother-in-law made all kinds of threats about us limiting contact, and used every trick in the BPD playbook to try to manipulate my husband and I. Once we understood that we had power over our own lives, we were able to make decisions that were supportive of our own health and well being. You are allowed to choose what is best for your health and well being too.

My mother-in-law is probably a lot older than your mother, and we were able to place her in a nursing home where she is well cared for. My husband could finally breathe for the first time in 40 years. Don't wait that long. Use your POA to get her care if you need to, then go and live your life.

If your mother threatens you or physically harms you, call the police. Start a paper trail with your local police.  This is not unlike living with a violent spouse.  Also ensure that you have some witnesses who can attest to the behavior, and they should be "disinterested" parties. You might want to video some of the behavior, though I am not clear on the legality of using such video unless the subject is aware of the taping. Still there are ways of utilizing the video even if not in court. What I am concerned about is what happened to my mother's care-givers. Mom called 911 and accused them of hitting her. The police called at 2:30 am and I had to talk the police down from arresting the caregivers. I shudder to think that you might be accused with nobody to protect you from arrest, and I am aware from my own years of directly taking care of Mom that the police are looking for evidence of elder abuse.  They are not looking for or even thinking about the opposite situation.

If she is 100% disabled, does she have some in-home caregivers or something? See how you can leverage that agency or doctor's orders to escalate the situation.

agulee, this sounds terribly stressful, I'm so sorry! Try to separate her status of seriously mentally ill from you own sense of victimization and loss (of a proper mother) best you can. Illness is illness, it can't do anything but what it is. Talk about someone crying out for help!.. but not help you can provide, she needs treatment by professionals. If you need an additional angle from the above good ones, say you won't talk to her any further except with a 'counselor' and use that to get a geriatric psychiatrist involved. My mother has some of what yours does, cyclically battles with me like I'm another woman in the secretarial pool, or her sister that always abused her... I know how hard it is to go without what we perceive as motherly behavior. Take care of your feelings of never being able to get that, at the same time you do whatever necessary to get her into health and psychiatric care. You'd help a crippled child, and in a way that's what she is. Bless you and good luck. 💐

Resign from being POA as Jeanne mentions above. She will have to appoint someone else.

Does she live with you or the other way around? If she does, the first consideration for me would be where else she can live.

She is very manipulative and mentally ill and needs to be cared for by professionals. Please contact your local agency for aging and social services as Kimber suggests.   Go ahead and go to school. Do what is good for you. You deserve your own life and not to be burdened with the care of a mentally ill person. If she threatens to kill herself or acts out in other ways you can call 911 and have her taken to hospital and then refuse to have her back saying that you cannot care for her. Then they are obliged to place her where she can get suitable care which probably includes medications to help her.

I will underscore that a POA, or anyone for that matter, does not have to cater to the whims of a mentally ill parent.

Take the advice here - resign your POA. Notify social services that she is a vulnerable adult and that you can no longer take care of her. Move out and make something of your life - your mom sounds like a monster.

She does not have to revoke the POA. You can resign. State that in writing and send copies to the lawyer, your mother, and the providers who are pressuring you.

I think just walking out would be neglect, whether you have POA or not. If you have been providing care your should see that she has another source of care before leaving the situation. Or engage someone else to take on that responsibility. You truly are not stuck with her.

I recall a while back on these forums a daughter who wanted her mother out of her house. Mother said, "You'd have to bodily take me out kicking and screaming." Well that can be arranged. Going through the eviction process will result in a sheriff bodily removing her if necessary. She wasn't as "stuck with" her mother as she at first thought.

I realize that this is a different situation than yours, but the principle is the same: no one is permanently stuck with another person.

Thank you for the advice BarbBrooklyn.

I realize that emancipation is not possible. I want nothing to do with her anymore. My family, her and her providers are making her my responsibility and I just can't do it. My mom has PTSD, borderline personality disorder, and many other issues mental and physical. Furthermore, I have POA, if I just walk away it can be considered neglect.

I think you misunderstand what a power of attorney document is and isn't. So does your mother.

Did you and your mother have this document drawn up by a lawyer and was it filed with the county? If so, ask the lawyer how to go about resigning as PoA.

Your mother sounds a though she is mentally ill. Is she seeing any doctors for her agitation and unhappiness with her life? Can you encourage her to seek out a psychiatrist?

Being POA for your mother means that you can perform actions such as signing checks and entering into contracts with her approval. It does not mean you have to do everything she tells you to. Just say no if she asks you to do something dangerous or an action based on a false belief.

Are you living with her? I assume that you were joking about emancipation. You cannot be held there against your will. Go to school, find employment and move out.

Why do you need to get emancipated at 28? Just walk away and don't answer calls.