I suppose I should start by apologizing, because I don't feel like I'm in my right mind at all. I realized today that my mom is forgetting that she's my mother. I'm so upset, all I see is black.
My mom phoned me twice. She usually says "Hi. It's me." She doesn't say that now. She says "Hi. It's Betty.'' If you knew my mom, you'd know this is something she would just never do. One of her biggest pet peeves is when kids address their parents by their first names.
Its not just that, though. My mom refuses to understand that she needs more help then I can provide her. And I've come to the conclusion that I don't have the courage to force anything on her.
So we're just floundering, we're miserable, she's worsening, and I'm getting so depressed that I just don't care if I live or die. The only thing keeping me going are my dogs.
No one to talk to. I'm sitting here in front of my husband and his cousin, happy that I have hair long enough to hide that I'm crying. (The sniffling, I blamed on allergies.) I can't tell anyone because when I try, I'm made to feel that I'm nothing but a dark cloud. I can't help it, though! (I know my marriage is going down the crapper, and I just don't care anymore. Not about that or anything else.)
How pathetic is it that I've only been care giving a year and I can't hack it. Most of you have been in this hell for so much longer then that. I don't know how you do it, and I wish I was as strong as you are.
I'm so sorry for this post. I'm gonna go try and get a grip now, l lol. Against what's left of my better judgment, I will hit "submit" now, and try my best not to crumble with embarrassment later.
Thanks for listening.
Some of us have been caregiving a lot longer, but haven't gone through the trauma that you did. Your mother is in an advanced stage of Alzheimer's, so I hope you are able to find a place for her. She will not be happy, but she isn't happy now, either. After she settles in, she may be better. It would give you a chance to try to mend the other things going on in your life.
I wish we could fix things. All I can think of is to send you a big hug. I know others will be along shortly. People here tend to disappear on the weekends and reappear on Monday.
I think you will find by reading the posts here that most of us do go through this to one degree or another...and you are not weak...nor do you have any reason at all to be embarrassed and if those around you make you feel this way...bad on them!!
I made it a year and a half...with mom living with me...it is not easy, it's not fun, it's hard and if you don't have support from family it's like living in a horribly dark, dank cave with no relief from the cold.
Hiding your feelings isn't a good idea...let those around you know what's going on, get some help for yourself...depression isn't a good place to be and you really really really need to take care of this.
There are people that are able to somehow manage to care for a parent or loved one right to the end...but honestly each person is different and can handle different things.
Those same people may not be able to some of the things I can do, or you can do...we are different.
We can not judge ourselves by another's abilities or their lack of ability.
There is not right or wrong to what we are capable of or not.
Your mom needs help..sounds like she needs to be in a Nursing Home or have some form of dementia care, but you have to help make sure that happens.
It's for her safety and for your own.
But first....I'd suggest you get yourself into the Dr and get the depression sorted out...it is very important that your in a good place so you can help your mom get into a good place.
Sigh...sorry but I just feel my heart breaking for you and really hope you are able to get the help you need in a physical manner...and know that there are lots of people here that have experienced these things and have made it through.
I went through a really deep depression at around the 1 year mark and it scared me a bit.
I came out of it and got motivated and was finally able to get mom into a place that is right for her.
So...take a deep breath and realize your response is somewhat normal and it's OK to be depressed about it...it's OK to feel helpless...it's OK to grieve for the person your mom was.
((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))
Also...I've found that once I started the conversation here, it helped and became easier to deal with things...loads of good advise, but more then that it is a place where we can all come and just BE.
Much Love to you and I truly hope it helps.
Until your mother gets placed somewhere, it will be impossible to work on your marriage. I always thought that it might be easier to place them in a NH, if they didn't know you. I hope so.
My mother had to go. She could no longer live at home, after my sister that was caring for her died, suddenly. Mother can't hear me, so I don't call. I send packages and pictures. (I am in a different state.)
Please don't make any big changes until you are able to grieve and take time to see what is important. I bet your husband doesn't know how to help you. He might at least hold your hand, if you let him.
It sounds like you might need some counseling and an anti depressant. Don't try to white knuckle through this.
There is a great book called, "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia.", by Pauline Boss. It is about the losses...you the caregiver goes through.
Now, I hope that you have DPOA on your mother so that you can legally make decisions for me If not, I would definitely work on getting your mother to have one made before she is diagnosed as mental incapacitated. Without one, it becomes very stressful and heartbreaking to get the help for your mother that she needs.
As suggested above, your mother does need to have placement according to what she can afford...however, do not over look seeing an Elder Law Attorney for advice. Depending on your mother's income and assets, she may qualify for a memory care facility or she may go to a nursing home.
I would try talking with her dr, if he or she will not talk with you openly because of HIPPA laws, then I would call the Area Agency on Aging in your county or city. A social worker can advise you.
Your marriage should come first (unless there are issues you haven't mentioned). I would work on getting that improved once you can get the situation with your mother taken care of. It sounds like your mother should not be living alone which is a big safety concern for her and you will want to see that she is safe.
Just some things for you to think about and to move forward on. Bless you as we know you are doing all you can. Hang in there and many positive thoughts your way.
I am just so sad that you cannot share this with your husband? maybe try and tell him how you feel isnt that what marriage is all about at least if you could talk to him about it and have his support then things may get a bit better?
noone can walk this road alone its too hard try and get to talk to your husband as he may not know how you are feeling if hes not there for you and supportive of you now then you may have to question your marriage?
I have a good friend who lost her mum from alz so shes been a huge help for me then of course this site! you are not a dark cloud you are losing your mum and people around you should try and understand that.
Keep posting here at least you will have support!
Ive heard alot that alot of patients no matter how bad they were have a split second of reality just before the end? its strange but wonderful! my friends mum didnt know who anyone was for 3yrs and was lying in a bed from a stroke and couldnt move for those 3 years just before she died she sat up held her hand out smiled and called to her sister by name? yep strange so we just never know whats going on with them through this?
Another thing to remember, not everyone can be a brain surgeon, a school teacher, a police officer, a firefighter, a military officer, and not everyone can be a Caregiver. Once I realize that, it made dealing my parents a tad bit easier.