Mom with dementia doesn't understand why she has to pay bills. Any advice?

My own Mother had been diagnosed with Al/s over two years ago. The first thing that I learned as Mum's full time Caregiver was that WE WERE ON OUR OWN.
There's no One there to teach You how to react when Your World comes crashing down around Your feet. I began to understand that Mother wasn't able to figure
things out, or reason therefore confusion set in. Instead of contesting what Mum
had said, I began to enter Her World, and I noticed a big change immediately. Mum became more content, much happier and so did I. Now I tell Mum exactly
what She would like to hear, as opposed to the way it might be. Why bother, or
upset the Crater. Keep Her happy and content.

There are some great ideas here. I learned to try to smile a lot and say, It's all been taken care of. And if she wanted more, I would promise to get it, but it had to be mailed and it would arrive any day. She seemed to accept it, but she would ask the same thing in 5 minutes because she would forget we already discussed it.

I have noticed that over the last year, she doesn't ask as many questions. I guess it's because she doesn't know she has a car, a house or, a bank account.

My mum was extremely savvy about paying bills - she used to be a bank manager so you would expect that. I started initially going through the finances. Then I realised that she only wanted to know that the bottom line was increasing. SO now what I do is this I say we have paid for the utility bills (never ever name them all) and this is whats left. She's happy and my life is so much easier.

If she doesn't see a need to pay bills, she probably will not pay the bills. It would help her if she had a companion or someone to help her in her daily activiities.

Your mom has reached the point where re-orienting her to reality isn't going to work anymore. It is SO hard to accept this in your parent, especially if they were pretty savvy with their finances in their prime. But, the time has come to enter her reality. Trying to get her to see facts, truth, reality...will only frustrate and upset both of you. Simply stop showing her the bills she doesn't think are her responsibility. Try to figure out her thinking around her long-gone house and agree with it. Does she think it's empty, waiting for her? Does she think it's being rented out, lived in by family? Whatever is comfortable for her.
HOWEVER, keep in mind that this can be very uncomfortable territory for you. I know it is for me. I use a 'say as little as possible' approach. When Dad gets on a topic where his thinking and reality are far apart, I try to be vaguely agreeable. I don't ever want to slip into actively making up elaborate lies to match his thinking. I find that just avoiding disagreement, rather than out-and-out lying, is important for me in retaining my respect for him as my father.

I went to the US postal service website and had my mom's address changed to mine for $1. That's how I discovered what all she had stopped paying.

Had the discussion about finances with Dad tonight in fact. I just keep repeating to myself the best advice I've seen about obsessiveness - validate and redirect. Have the paperwork sent to you or make it paperless.

Yes, at some point it comes down to the basics. Yes, Mom, your bills are paid. You have water at the tap, electricity when you turn on the light switch, your cable tv works, these are your clothes, this is your furniture, and there is food and medicine. You asked us to help you with this a long time ago...and we do. We are right here. You are ok. Enjoy yourself.

Yes. No reasoning ability. It is frustrating on both... best to no even attempt. The trick, is to REMEMBER NOT TO!! Future plans, do not discuss causes anxiety. Just agree never disagree. Smile & be happy alot. It's hard, but force yourself to do so. Take your long bath or just a nap in your bed. Regroup. Be determined to make your loved one feel your love. You will always be there for them. In restroom mirror give yourself pep talks, name out all your qualities!! Keep smiling. God bless you & all caregivers!!

..sometimes "cliff notes" version of what I felt was prudent to do and why. He was bright and well-educated, and I was often pleasantly surprised by some of the very astute questions and observations he had. He also seemed to enjoy that he was being included and taken seriously.

My friend with dementia was "together" enough to understand that his mind wasn't working right, especially in the early stages. I tried, as much as possible, to make him feel involved by going through things he was interested in (again, and again, and again), along with the (sometime

Correction - never stayed a night by herself!

I have POA and paid all mom's bills for several years now! She has dementia and terminal cancer! She's under hospice! She's never stayed by herself a day in her life so have to pay someone to stay nights!
Now answer to your question - They don't understand about money! Tried telling mom several times it's taking more than her income to pay her night caregiver! She doesn't want to understand that her savings is getting low and I'm paying some of her bills myself! My resolution - don't discuss money with them! They don't want to understand it so I quit discussing finances period! Like talking to a 5 year old!

My mother regularly asks what have I done with her apartment and the proceeds from the sale, where is the rest of her money, is it in her name, who is paying the bills etc. and gets angry and suspicious. What works is very calm, gentle explanations, talking slowly, answering each question and giving lots of sympathy and reassurance about the way she is so frustrated and confused. Takes about 30 minutes each time to get her chatting normally. It is exactly the same conversation each time. Like Nansacola in a previous post I also point out the memory loss due to mom being 90 years old, and she does accept that.

Sometimes what they want or expect from those memories is to bring comfort and reassurance. Just tell the white lie but also try to know what is it that would bring that piece of mind when they show some anxiety...maybe it is a person they remember and their particular way to comfort them. It is not that people with dementia live will live from memories, in their minds they are in fact living IN the past, so trying to 'bring them to reality' not only won't work.. it is actually cruel. A memory box, an album with photos, music and activities from those younger days would be a very kind approach and more humane. In terms of money issues, their claim about 'somebody stealing' it is the most frequent episode and remember to not to take away drastically the apparent control they want to have over their well-being. Reassure, give options, respect and understand.

i've been taking care of my parents for about 6 years now...slowly but surely...they just let me take over and don't ask me about bills or anything else. my advice to anyone who has a mom or dad with dementia or Alzheimer's is that you DO NOT have to tell them anything that they don't understand! Tell them anything that will make them feel better or give them some peace of mind. You CAN'T reason with them if they have reached that point...so DON'T. Just take care of business and say whatever makes them feel better...they will soon forget...and eventually won't ask you anymore! gooooood luck

If Mom lived at Horizon she wouldn"t have monthly payments and she would receive the best care possible with a staff to resident ratio of 1 to 1

One good way to look at this is that no matter we are for what our condition, we must all day on our bill for three without basic necessities, including housing. Whether we pay rent or mortgage, we must either pay for our housing or be homeless. When paying for utilities such as water and electric, we either pay or do without those utilities. Water is a basic necessity for survival, and we all have running water these days. This is a basic need that needs paid for we won't have running water. I am not sure what bills and your mom is questioning, but if it's any of these, the harsh reality stares us all in the face, because there is no "free lunch." Whatever the bills are that your mom is questioning whether it be these or some other bills, If those bills are absolute necessities, they must be paid, plain and simple. There's just no explanation for someone who just doesn't get it unless they want to try living without those specific necessities. Sometimes the only way to get through to some people is to ask them how they would feel trying to live without what they need, and Believe it or not this is often a reality for some people. This is the best I can tell you because it's the truth and a very harsh reality. Nothing in this life is free

Show her the deed when she sold the house. Trying to explain financials with someone with dementia is pointless. Just say "it is being taken care of mom", and change the subject. When she gets angry, take her for a ride. Distract her and keep her away from when you do the bills. I do all bill paying around 5 a.m. and my husband only knows when I pay a bill off. Then he is really happy!

Sorry about punctuation,phone has a mind of its own

I disagree about trying to tell there's no more house,and I don't understand why you have to mention bills to someonei m her condition.I dealt withm ymom and about 15other patients with dementia/ Alzheimer's.it's what I do for a living.if she wants to see a bill,show her a very low bill,ask her if she wants to pay it or notwhen she speaks about the house,engage her in good memories she has,my poor mother even thought her son was a boyfriend,and other things too much to list.but changing the subject and/or diverting attentiono n something else works.God bless

My Mom tells people she has no money for their presents. I explain she does have money, I just need to write the check. She does talk about money every so often. I've been paying her bills for a while now. Personnally, I would not go over your Moms finances with her. All u do is confuse them. Just try to change the subject.

She is clearly longing for the past which is gone because that's the only part of her memory left. It is very sad when they cannot reason in the present. Try to reassure her that you are there to help her, you love her, and you would never lie to her. then make sure she undertstand that you will hep her just as much as she can. remind her gently that she sold her property many years ago. If you have pictures of it, you might try to find them.

Oh this brings back memories...my 91 year old mother accused my sister and I of spending all her money and/or denying her of things she wanted. Those accusations have ended and now on the few occasions she may mention her finances she is easily redirected/distracted to another subject. While mentally she still has considerable wits about her - but she is completely unable to rationalize things anymore, including her finances. Hang in there - it is difficult to hear after all you've done for her - but know that she doesn't really have the mindset to rationalize things. It is true when they say "roles reverse" when you take care of your parents.

Jude, I used the photo album the other day. GREAT! It kept him busy for almost an hour. Then he said...You are in almost all the pictures. LOL. He loves me so much and is so dependent upon my help. I would never go away even when he gets upset. Last night we could not find the volume control for the TV. I looked and looked and finally found it in his shirt pocket. That was after he said, I can never trust you with anything,,,Give you something and it gets lost. LOL

Carolyn, I'm just playing devil's advocate here, because what you say makes a lot of sense. I'm thinking metacognition here. While part of the brain that processes logic and reasoning is diseased, is it an all or nothing scenario? I'm wondering if on some level, we can get a distorted glimpse of reality, like myopia - we can't see clearly, but we are not blind either. I think there are moments of lucidity when my mother does understand that she is not processing information and emotions efficiently. She has always needed to be in control, although, conversely, her standard responses to difficult life situations have been denial and rationalization (maybe those defence mechanisms put her more at risk for dementia in later life).

When I was suffering from moderate to severe anxiety disorder in my earlier years, I found it really helpful to know that my fears had little basis in reality. It did not stop me from feeling the terror or the physiological effects of a panic attack, but eventually I gained more control over emotional self-regulation.

I'm wondering if somehow we can develop an override system, a "notwithstanding clause" that yes, this is a psychological mirage of sorts that I see right now but, when I reach that proverial bend in the road, the water or whatever I am seeing is going to disappear.

Just some philosophical escapism for the very unpalatable reality of dementia.

Families of loved ones with dementia sometimes feel compelled to give explanations or justifications. None of these are going to work because the part of the brain that processes logic and reasoning is destroyed by dementia. It sort of kind of seems to work partly but don't count on it. You can change the subject, make something up, put it off, and give a soothing non-answer (hugs are great, and the responses about "your mind is just tired" are also great). I tell all my clients who have an aging loved one with dementia this: you are hereby excused from telling the actual truth. Truth is for those who can process it. Your loved one can't. Skip "true" explanations altogether. Do whatever you can and say whatever you want to help mom or dad stay calm. Give yourself permission and never try to reason with someone whose reasoning ability has been demolished by brain disease. Carolyn Rosenblatt, RN, Attorney

I have been advised that it is impossible to reason with one who has dementia because that part of the person's brain, ordinarily used for administration understanding, has been damaged because of the disease. It is nothing personal when a person becomes angry over matters such as those you suggest. Instead of trying to reason it may be more beneficial to engage the person in conversation about the, in your case, house that once was and help your loved one to enjoy that memory. you may then help your loved one to jump from memories of that house to the next place she lived and enjoy those memories. If your loved one stills expresses anger it is best to try to move from that conversation to another that will engage your loved one. It is so hard not to take outbursts personally. Try to remember it is the disease talking and lashing out. Don't say that to your mom, though, because she believes what she is saying.

I have already passed through this state with my Dad, and am just getting into it with my Mom. I have been paying all their bills for 3 years now and Dad is placed in a dementia facility. Mom is home with caregivers. I started out thinking I needed to keep the bills going to their home and to show my Dad summary statements each month so he could see his bills were paid and his money was OK. He had ALWAYS been the only one in charge of their money. I quickly figured out this just caused trouble. So all the bills that could be either done on line, with no statements to their home or sent to our address got changed. NOW it is Mom who just worries about every little statement that comes and doesn't remember why there is a bill.....and since we are now running out of assets and starting the qualifications for Medicaid for her, she is really bent out of shape about 'where has all our money gone. Your Dad said we would have plenty of money to do whatever we wanted the rest of our lives..." Even though her lawyer even tries to explain that Dad had a good plan but no one expected them to live this long and have all this medical expense so eventually the money gets used up. My Dad doesn't even care anymore, except fleetingly....and when he is more alert, I just reassure him that things are going well, I am taking care of Mom and all their bills are getting paid. He will make comments sometime, " I don't remember how much money we have left...but my memory just isn't good anymore..." And then I'll say, "Well Dad you asked me to take over and you still have money left and all the bills are paid..." He'll just say...Okay...just make sure you take care of your Mother..." or such. Mom is in a more difficult place, since she's not on meds to affect her brain, and refuses to even consider any....that won't work. So when she really bad...I just tell her to call the lawyer, and reassure her that I am paying all the bills and accounting to him for the money and he advises me. He plays the 'bad guy'. I also tell her to have her caregiver take her to the bank and ask for a statement from the POA account if she's so worried about it. But we fight about things like her thinking the yard guy should work for 4 hours and only get a $20 bill so she's made that I paid him $50 or $75. And things like a bill comes for her co pay from the hospital and she cannot remember she was even in the hospital for a week, so she immediately thinks the hospital is 'cheating' her. Sometimes I get so upset with her statements that I just say to her, " If you want to pay someone else to handle all this, just let me know." And then she'll assure me she doesn't believe I would be doing anything wrong to her. I've said to her before...."OK so you sound like you don't trust that I am paying bills and handling the money right....Now, really, why would I cheat you? Since I am the only child left here, don't you think it would make sense for me to take care of things best way I know how, since any thing left is coming to me anyhow? I am not denying you anything you need or want to do....and I am not even expecting anything to be left....but you are 89 and Dad is 93 and the money is just plain running out because it's expensive to live these days. I try to get the caregivers to get the new bills into an envelope and mailed to me right away, so she doesn't see them day after day and keep going over them with the same concerns too. It is a hard road to walk!!

One of the most repeated questions on this forum is "how do I get mom/dad to..." It's so difficult to reconcile the way that you used to be able to interact with the person you are familiar with and the person that Alzheimer's has created. Like Betsy1 says, lying seems to work. But I don't call it lying, it's dealing with the reality in which your loved one lives.
For example, when my mother had to go to a nursing facility for several weeks to recover from hip surgery, she seemed to understand why she was there at first. However, after a while, she started calling my sister dozens of times a day to pick her up. She started being confused and thought she was actually at work (at a job she had over 50 years ago). She'd whisper into the phone, "I haven't told them yet, but I'm going to quit." I seized on that delusion and convinced her that she really needed to give them two weeks notice. That seemed reasonable to her, so each day when she called to say she was ready to come home, we'd remind her that she still had x number of days left.
So rather than argue with mom about the house you may have to be creative. Perhaps its inconvenient to go to the house because it's being painted, or we'll go in the fall when it's cooler...