My husband and I have been her POA for a few years now and have handled all her financial and medical needs. The last two months shes been asking to go over her monthly income and questioning why she needs to pay certain bills. She is denying having any when I go over them with her. Mom has parkinsons and has always lived with us and shared the bills with us. She doesn't remember this and claims she has a home in another state (one she sold 20 yrs ago). When I explain she sold that house 20 yrs ago she gets angry and sad and wants to go there because she knows she has a house and we are lying to her.
I've had her talk to longtime friends to confirm my information but she doesn't seem to care. Still thinks we are lying. What can I do? I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I know I'm not. I know I'm not dealing with someone who can be reasoned with but I don't know how to calm her down either.
I lived 1800 miles away from her and the bank at that point in time. I told her that her money doesn't really live at the branch in town. She blew a giant fuse. That was a rookie mistake on my part, but I just didn't know how to handle her then. None of us did. She went into a panic and wanted to go to the branch office and withdraw all of it.
I told her they would not hand it over a bag of dollar bills and change because they don't keep that much cash on site (like in the movies). It would be a check she would have to take to another bank to deposit. "You can't really go touch your money these days mom. It's in a computer." This did not help her.
I did not understand her freak out and it seemed like it came from left field. Now I totally understand and would handle it very differently.
Since dad died last August, she is convinced that we won't be able to afford to stay here, despite me going over the financial statements and sources of income repeatedly. However, her cogitive capacity is so impaired that she does not understand the simplest of information and explanations. I am now off work for the summer because the children are out of school, so she's waking me up with battles blazing every morning, furious with me - as if I could actually work full time with mom in her condition. I tell her straight, she is not well and her fears have no basis in reality; that I am taking care of everything for her and just trust me, I will let you know when we have to worry. I also point out that the stress she is putting on me is going to make me ill and I won't be able to take care of her. Then I tell her I'm applying for part time jobs (lol).
I just do what has to be done, tell him whatever he wants to hear and keep moving. The less he is involved in any financial affairs the better.
Acknowledging what they are thinking - I liked the phrase "because of your medications ...your mind is playing tricks on you." Hugs, smiles and a positive attitude (yes - I know that this is hard to portray when you are hurting inside) seems to be the only response.
This is a long hard road. It's wonderful to see the generosity of the people here sharing their pain and their solutions.
Carol
Goodluck!
But your mother genuinely and sincerely believes what she is saying, and what's more she is very clear in her own mind about it. Explaining, as Maggie suggests, why her memory is playing tricks and deceiving her might help (it did for my mother, too); but it could be a long haul and you can probably expect to have to do it with tedious regularity, I'm sorry to say. Another suggestion would be a memory book or scrap album, which could contain a time line showing when the house was sold, when she moved in with you, and so on. Best of luck.
That was my solution. See if it works for you. I think it somehow comforted her because I both ACKNOWLEDGED what she thought and helped her understand why she thought that way.