My mom has a progressive pre-cancer illness. At some point it will develop into cancer and no-one can say how far off that is, though doctors can make an educated guess based on her other health factors. Once it's cancer it's not curable, and so it's called 'life limiting' rather than 'terminal' though the end result will unfortunately be the same.
I moved home to care for Dad who we lost recently, and I'm torn over whether to stay to be with mom or whether to go back to my old life. My mom has no wish to ask her doctors any questions about her illness and I respect that - if covering her ears gets her through then so be it. From googling she could have a couple of years, she could have ten. The information out there is very generic, and I'm not in a position to ask her doctor any questions without her consent. I also don't want her to become upset by asking her any more questions as she clearly does not want to think about her own illness.
From my perspective I'm trying to make a decision I won't regret later on. I know any of us could go at any time, but for other caregivers how did you decide to stay or go?
This is very much your call. Are you able to change jobs to be nearby easily, without loss of income and retirement benefits? I wouldn't make this move if you don't see some benefit to you, because the resentment it causes will surface and eat away at your relationship with your mom.
You might also encourage mom to seek a second opinion. Has your mother always had a "head in the sand" attitude about health matters, or is this a new thing? You might want to look into her mental state/cognitive processing.
Dad lived for 5 years after initial surgery but the cancer returned and from then on the doctors said not more than 6 months. This was 20 years ago so Mum was a lot more able than she is now and so I continued as before. The end came very quickly over the period of 3 weeks, when eventually they asked me if they could increase the morphine. Although Dad didnt want it I couldnt bear to see him in so much pain - the consultant and I were able to speak freely about the options and I finally regretfully agreed for the morphine to be increased. he died in my arms 12 hours later and I dont regret my decision to continue working, I just still miss him and there isnt a day I dont think about him.
What I do regret is having the next of kinship passed into my hands. Once that was given to me then yes I could find out more BUT it meant I had the final life and death decision - which I have never come to terms with depsite counselling. Good luck sweetheart xxxx
However, it nay be time for mom to think about diwnsizing if she still lives in the family home. These are still early days after dad's passing, but you might want to plant the seed of the idea before you leave to go back to work.
My mom does have depression anyway and has regular contact with a psychologist. I don't know how helpful he is - he told her that her pre-cancer condition might go away now that the stress associated with my dad's care is gone! She trusts the guy but I'm not so sure I would. I think she always was a little head-in-the sand about her own health, but when it was my dad or us kids she would be in there guns blazing finding out the intricacies of what was wrong with us.
There isn't work in my field here so I've taken a big step back with my career for now. I usually go to her appointments with her but I think she would rather I wasn't there (even though I ask her will I come or not and she leaves it up to me). Her hearing is quite bad so she misses a lot of what does get said, which was part of the reason I started going along too. Her bloodwork is monitored monthly with an oncologist appt every 3 months as a deterioration in her condition would become evident through the bloodwork. The oncology appts are always midweek so me commuting back and forth for them wouldn't be practical if I go back to my own home.
I don't know how I'd handle having that kind of information about my own health so I'm not trying to push her. We have no real family here and she hasn't told many people what she has so I can't really talk to anyone who knows her about it. Her oncologist also treated my father before he died so I know her quite well, but again with patient confidentiality she can't discuss anything with me.