The dr did a ct of her head and found small vessel issues and sent her to a neurologist. She refuses to go. He said she needed to trust him and the team to help her live independently otherwise she many not know her children in 6 months and be in a nursing home. My mom refuses to go the neurologist. The dr sent a letter stating if she was not medically compliant and followed up with the nero, then he would be forced to turn information into to the state because she was not safe to drive. He also said to get a POA, which of course she also refused. She is still driving and living alone. She said she would run away if we tried to take her to another dr. I'm lost. I don't want my last memories with my mom to be arguing She swears I want her dead and her money when I bring up the subject. Please help. What should I do?
You don't have to know what condition that is actually causing the decline, but for many family members, they want to know so they can plan and know what to expect. For example, the life expectancy for Alzheimers patients is much longer than someone who has Vascular Dementia. Other causes of dementia vary as well. I was fortunate that my cousin's primary diagnosed her from a physical exam and a Mini Evaluation done in the office. We followed up with an MRI and neurologist, but the initial diagnosis was correct.
Since your mother is so young, I think I might seek legal advice from an Elder Care attorney in her jurisidiction. I would inquire about what options you have to step in. Since she is refusing to sign a POA, then something may have to be done through the courts. I'd find out in advance, so you know what evidence might be needed, costs involved, etc. You can then decide the best route to support your mom, even if it ends up being over her objection.
As for the not driving, ask her doctor to go forward with informing the DMV that she is not competent to drive. Better it comes from the doctor than from you! But you will have the burden of enforcing it.
This is so sad and so hard. Your mother has what she has, whether it is confirmed by a neurologist or not. And even with a more detailed diagnosis there is no fix. It would help with a treatment plan and planning for the future. It would be worthwhile, but not as critical as her doctor made it sound. I suspect he was doing what we encourage each other to do -- fib a bit if it helps our loved ones do what is best for them.
If your mom is going to not recognize you that will happen. It does not happen in all kinds of dementia (not usually in Lewy Body or Parkinson's Disease Dementa, for example) and unless she is already in a very late stage, it won't happen in six months in any case. Seeing a neurologist wouldn't prevent it from happening if that is part of whatever disease she has.
I wish you luck in dealing with your Mom (who is younger than I am!).
Why I was questioning your Mom's doctor is when he said "trust him and the team to help her live independently otherwise she many not know her children in 6 months and be in a nursing home." There is no otherwise. Memory issues will take their course with or without help.
I know from your post you said that your Mom won't go to the neurologist, that doctor would prescribe meds to help with Mom's anger. Your Mom probably knows her memory is slipping and she is scared, thus the outbursts. If only there was some way to trick your Mom into going to the neurologist. Some times we need to use therapeutic fibs to get someone to comply.... such as telling Mom that Medicare will cancel all of her insurance if she doesn't go... make an excuse, tell her everyone who turns 70 is required to see a neurologist.
The primary care dr didn't specifically diagnose her but after reading the ct results tried to explain the importance of her following up with the neurologist. His office made the appointment. She didn't go so then he contacted her about the drivers license. AS for the POA, his notes to her said to meet with family and determine POA.
Also surprised that the primary doctor would recommend a Power of Attorney as from what your wrote, your Mom wouldn't be able to appoint anyone to be her POA, no attorney would allow her to sign any legal documents without her understanding what she is signing.
Have your Mom checked for a urinary tract infection [UTI] as such infections will mimic dementia.
How old is she?
My best to you, helpmom....I'm sorry you've got this load....