My mother in the past 2 years has fallen about 6 times. She has broken her upper arm, scrapes the have required home health and even hospitalization. When she broke her arm, she still wanted to drive. I would take her to dialysis for about 8 months after, but she begged me to let her drive because that was her freedom and helped her feel her Independence.
Recently she fell and required 8 staples on one elbow and her other elbow had her paper-thin skin peeled back. Her doctor told me she cannot be by herself.
This is very hard for me because I don't have the support of my only other brother. Literally I'm by myself because she also has driven a lot of her friends off since I am her only family member.
OK enough of that, now let me get to the meat of it. She gets mad and starts to be rude and begins to hurt my feelings. When I am home and here a noise out of the ordinary I go and ask her if she is okay, she tells me in a bothered voice, "yes stop being so over protective". She tells me "I was fine yesterday when you left me alone". When I help her get in bed I comment that her feel are very swollen and she tells me "stop telling me anything all you do is scare me". She gets upset that I have someone and can't spend all my time with her so she is rude to my significant other. I am 45 years old and have never really had a life of my own because her health has gone down and know she can't support herself. I get really frustrated because she continues to mistreat me when I am all she's got.
Whats weird is that when she is at the hospital she is fine and in good spirits when she is home she is agitated and angry all the time especially because I am not there 24/7 and from what I see she gives me the guilt trip by being sarcastic.
I agree with her going to Senior Day Care... She needs to socialize with others.
Good luck..
Only suggestion is to stand by the side lines and say nothing, which might be hard to do if you are a nurturer.
Wonder if your Mom would want to go to a senior center, if there is one close by. That way she could develop new friends... BFF's.
In my mother's case, there is sometimes reason that she can be so irritable. My mother doesn't have good urine control, so wets herself. She won't wear protective undergarments. Lately she has been washing a lot of clothes. Yesterday I asked her what she was washing when she was putting on another load. She got mad at me. That let me know that she had wet her pants again -- something she was embarrassed to tell me, so she got mad that I invaded her privacy.
Maybe that is the answer. They may get angry when they feel we are invading their privacy for whatever reason.
Since the doc said she cannot be by herself and the doctor did not order you to take care of her 24/7, it's time to find a place for her to live apart from you. As you said, you have never had your own life. It's time.
Tell her she can't live with you anymore and she needs to be out in x months. She won't do anything about it. Stop hovering over her and let her fall in her stubbornness. Next time she needs to go to the ER, (hope it's soon), refuse to bring her home and tell the hospital social worker to find a placement for her. It can be whatever mom can afford (or medicare), but you are not to spend YOUR money on her care. It is time for you to have your own life.
But I don't see how you could *not* worry if your mother has fallen, with consequences, that many times. So you can't not worry, but I suppose you can not let her know that. Would you be able to negotiate, and say "I won't keep checking on you if you agree to wear a call pendant for emergencies, and wear it all day every day." Then you might have a better chance of letting her come to you, rather than feeling the need - I would too - to hover over her.
Mind you, if she's anything like my late mother, she'll wear the pendant all right but she'll never use it. I wish I could offer some solution to the awful stress of waiting for something terrible to happen, but I don't think there is one.
The rudeness, now, you'll have to set your own boundaries for. How much of it you're willing to shrug off only you can say; but remember there is no reason why you shouldn't feel free to protest. Tell your mother you dislike her unappreciative attitude, for example. It's a statement of fact, not a threat, you're not going to abandon her; but all the same you might find it a relief to say what you feel.