When I tell her that she needs to take he cane with her to the store she fights against it but then the next time she will suggest it and its a good idea. Ask her if she knows where something of mine and every answer no matter what is I don't know and then I find it down stairs on her table. She also blames the animals on lots of things like turning my bathroom faucet on and it running over so much as to go all the way to the basement but the dog jumped up on the counter and turned it on. When I am sure what happened is she was giving the dogs some water and forgot and left it running. Tell her to stop wearing shorts cause she is always cold but she tells me she has to wear shorts. Ask her to straighten out the pantry which I was over half way done with it and she just took and threw everything back in with no rhyme or reason. Do they not understand anything any more or is she trying to get sympathy or at least get out of the chore. Its mind boggling to me how she comes up with every excuse to get out of something I ask her to do. Is this normal? I would love to hear any suggestions on how to handle this behavior.
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We personified my husband's dementia. We called it Lewy. (It was very helpful to me that he was aware of his disease. My mother isn't. It makes a difference.) We both could get disgusted with that darn Lewy. When he got discouraged over his bad days I'd say, "Lewy is especially nasty today. Maybe tomorrow will be better."
It really is helpful to realize our anger and frustration is not about the person we love, but about what is happening to them.
something you said touched a nerve for me as It reminded me of some things that made it so difficult to accept it actually was the dementia not the behaviors I was used to all our life! it is this, there are things she does, that I tell her not to do enough that she does not do them in my presence....which to me was saying she has the control....she knows what she is doing.... or I walk in and catch her doing it she hides it, and if questioned denies it.....but
but someone gracefully pointed out Loosely translated thru these memory failures she loves and respects me and when I am present she is reminded of what I ask her to do.
It kinda made sense, made me feel better, anyway!
(Somebody mentioned her husband's stroke. My husband also had one, and the effects are mostly cognitive. Stroke is a different beast -- improvements *may* still be possible for many years afterward. Or not. Everybody's different. I *can* and do discuss things with my husband, and we can usually resolve them in some way -- which is something I would not even attempt in the case of dementia.)
MIL has agreed to go into a home but she will go bonkers if they try to place her in a dementia unit. I'm not sure how its going to go. I guess we'll find out next week.
Their minds cannot except blame because their short term memory is not working correctly as in out of sight out of mind...have you had her diagnosed by a neurologist? You would hate to do anything blindly like take care of someone, that has dementia...without some of the right tools for coping and getting along...trust me you will need a baseline to work off of for the future it is a long road that can last years, you do not want to get worn out unnecessarily.
Phil413 has it right. "Correcting or scolding is not going to restore the person my mother used to be."
Not all old people have dementia. But this thread is specifically about dealing with people who do. Caring for someone who has dementia is challenging and heartbreaking. Calling those trying to meet the challenge "wimps" is demeaning.
(I agree about not threatening NH - seriously, below the belt).
A nursing home is sometimes the best solution. I would never use it as a threat.
Those of us who can tell the difference between normal aging and dementia are not necessarily wimps, my friend.