Mom got lost driving, lives alone in a remote area. How do we proceed?

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Mom got lost driving, lives alone in a remote area. How do we proceed?

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My MIL lives in a remote area in Northern Lower Michigan. She widowed about 10 years ago and since has a reclusive lonesome lifestyle, but says she loves it and is unwilling to admit that her health and age make her home and location too much to handle. We live about 4 hours south of her, so occasional trips to visit are possible, but frequent trips are not. There is no other family closer.

Recently she got lost driving to the store after dark. The Neighbor had to come rescue her after she stopped at a random house and asked for help. I have no idea why she left to drive after dark - which she normally never does. She is elusive on the details, and we believe drinking may be the issue.

We have contacted her doctor to inform her of the concerns, and are trying to ask a neighbor about getting more details, but due to the politics of the family/area we cant reliably ask the neighbor to help. Honestly I have no idea how to best proceed. Any thought's or suggestions would help.

Care Decisions Driving Mom

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Someone is going to have to bite the bullet and go spend a week or 10 days to get a picture of what is happening. The biggest challenge is that she can do whatever she wants as long as she hasn't been declared incompetent in a court of law.

I think that seniors, not all, get scared of being seen as a burden and worry about being stuck in a facility. Most of them have habits that they believe will be squashed if they get help. Drinking would be one, however, I have toured facilities that have happy hour every night and allow alcohol in the facility as long as the person doesn't get wasted and create problems.

Having a talk now and seeing what the real situation is can help you do research to find out what is available in her area. It can also help you understand how she feels and to start encouraging her to think about living some place where the store isn't such a journey and other things that would appeal to her.

Michigan is a totally different system than the rest of the country, we have some experts from MI here that will hopefully chip in and help you get pointed in the right direction.

Hugs and strength, this is a difficult journey to be sure.

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Good answer; would only add that if you are going up for 7-10 day visit, that you try and get an MD appointment you can go to and get some legal permissions for access to health care info and POA if you can...and have a cognitive test (i.e. mini mental) done so a baseline is established. It sounds like she is very independent and you have no way to get her to do something she is not agreeable to...i.e. no threats that she will be moved if she doesn't A, B or C. Like no driving at night or the car is taken away...but at least you know the story/she told you. I don't know how things are different in MI, but every area of every state does have an area agency on aging which can share what resources are available to help.

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Not sure what you mean about politics of the family/area. There's nothing wrong or illegal about calling the local police and asking them to keep an eye out for her.

My husband's grandmother lived alone in a remote area up north also, in a small town. A police officer saw her driving one day and she'd bumped into a light pole and another car in the grocery store parking lot. She was unaware she'd done it-- eyesight becoming bad and beginning of dementia. The officer followed her home and told her (kindly) what she'd done. She had no relatives in her town, so the officer found her daughter's number and called her to tell her what was going on. Daughter was able to take action accordingly.

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The neighbor is a Tom Selek type man and married - she is the single widow next door. She provides a refuge for him and always has his drinks on hand. My MIL hates his wife and the feeling is mutual - Its a weird love triangle and we cant contact him without her becoming irate about it. Its also so remote I dont know how the police would even 'keep an eye out', as the only local police is the county/state. They arent going to bother themselves with a little old lady.

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One of the advertising ploys of local ALs is to offer temporary accommodation over the winter, sort of an appeal to "snowbird" closer to home. Given her location I think it would be a perfect option for her and it might be the thin edge of the wedge when it comes to transitioning to more supports. Tell her it's for you, so you won't have to worry or travel in bad weather conditions - it helps that forecasters are predicting a terrible winter!

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Local ALs?

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I wouldn't automatically think that drinking was her reason for getting lost. It is often one of the first signs of dementia, My mother was normal in every way except she totally lost her sense of direction and ability to find places where she had been hundreds of times. Everyone just made excuses for her - "there's been a lot of new construction in the area", "there's a new stoplight on the way to the hairdresser", "sometimes I get turned around, too" - until we saw additional signs of memory loss. It's good you contacted her doctor and I love the idea of wintering at an Assisted Living, although that won't solve the driving issue unless you take the car from her. My mother was frightened by getting lost so she just stopped driving on her own but she still had my dad and me to get her places. Living in the country will make not driving almost impossible. There is no easy solution to this until you get more information but whether it is drinking or dementia you have to get this solved and you need to determine if this is a one off or if it is happening more often than you realize. She may have been getting lost more frequently and just hasn't been frightened enough to stop and ask for help. My mother always found her way home eventually.

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We had a discrete conversation today with the neighbor who rescued her. He did not think drinking was the issue. My wife is still unconvinced on this - and her knee jerk reaction is to go kidnap mom and bring her here to our home... To be fair to my wife - I do think chronic drinking has a major effect on her memory loss. She sites alone up there for many days in a row with only her TV and I imagine the bottle is a stong call/companion to her. All this is probably compounded by aging cognitive functions and possible diagnosis (dementia, etc.).

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Contacting the state motor vehicles department. The state may request a doctor's certification to prove she can still drive. I've also known some who disabled the cars to prevent their parents from driving. A sibling of another lady disabled her sister's car several times because the sister kept getting it fixed. So that's a thought too.

Whomever is her power-of-attorney for medical and overall affairs would have to initiate medical and financial issues. Family members who are not listed on a POA usually are not allowed any information.

I would explore a sale of the property, as this may fund her stay at a facility. You are free to talk to real estate agents and learn who is best for the location and type of property she owns. You can also look online to determine if properties have sold recently and for how much. If your husband feels he must say something, you don't even have to say you're looking online.

Her decline overall needs to be handled so that when all is said and done, you and your husband have no regrets because you acted to prevent the headaches and sorrows that come with unnecessary accidents and injuries to anybody. You will also feel better knowing you helped her move to a safer living arrangement.

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I disagree that the police won't want to be bothered with 'a little old lady'. It's their job to do wellness checks and be 'bothered' with all sorts of people they probably would rather NOT be dealing with! A wellness check for MIL is perfectly in order.

So she drinks and apparently has been for some time. Alcoholic dementia and Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome are very real and quite prevalent these days. I work as a receptionist in a Memory Care community and we have a woman there who was found at the bottom of her staircase, unconscious, covered in blood, after having fallen down the stairs in a drunken stupor. She was then diagnosed with alcoholic dementia and placed in the facility where I work. She repeats herself incessantly, unable to remember ANYTHING, literally, and insists she's the only one living there who does NOT suffer dementia. Trust me, she does.

I think you have no other choice but to go visit your MIL for a week or two to see for yourself what's going on. Then make the necessary decisions about whether to sell her house and move her to Assisted Living or whatever you feel the next step should be. I would NOT be moving her into your home, however, especially having no experience with dementia..........it can be brutal and something ordinary people are NOT equipped to deal with. She would need to be seen/diagnosed/tested by a doctor, of course, but getting lost while driving is a hallmark sign of dementia/Alzheimers.

Best of luck!

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Sorry - I said husband instead of wife a couple times!

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Although getting lost is one primary indicator of dementia, not every senior who gets lost on a dark night has dementia and your "possible diagnosis" language leads me to believe no medical professional has yet determined MIL has any degree of dementia. I would also like to point out many seniors are still legally competent at the time of a dementia diagnosis, even one that includes getting lost. With no clear dementia or even diminished capacity diagnosis (being an alcoholic does not necessarily make an individual incompetent either) much less any statement of incompetence together with MIL's past resistance to moving and her companion relationship to the next door neighbor, I would be VERY CAREFUL in my approach and interactions with MIL. She could easily block her daughter out and choose to entrench with the neighbor, granting him POA and maybe even making a will in his favor.

I suggest making a Thanksgiving weekend trip to access the MIL's situation; perhaps you can arrange a Christmas visit to your home. Stating your concern over her falling or getting lost this winter, you might want to gift her with a fall detecting system (like SkyAngel911FD, $180 on Amazon) that works on cellular networks (but does not require a service plan so there's no monthly fee) where you press a button to call 911. Usually the built in GPS can tell emergency personal where you are but in some areas of low cell signal the GPS function doesn't always work. Because it's cellular based, it will work when away from home if there is cell service in the area. With a monthly service plan, it can be setup to call a friends list before or after 911, which could include you and local neighbors. If at all possible, get on the HIPPA list at her doctor's so you can discuss her medical status and test results with the doctor.

I would not discuss MIL moving at all until you have POA documents, a definitive dementia diagnosis and maybe even a statement of incompetence in hand. I recommend focusing on in home services or home updates to help aging in place; in fact, I would use that term "aging in place" as often as possible. A misstep here alienating MIL can have disastrous consequences at this stage. Decades ago a widow nearing 80 in my extended family developed a friendship with a good looking con artist in his 40s (describing him as the son she didn't have) and proceeded to give him everything: her car, money, possessions, and eventually her house. Until or unless MIL is deemed incompetent, she is completely free to gift her money and possessions to anyone she chooses. The next door neighbor coming over for drinks in spite of the fact his wife hates MIL may be establishing a similar relationship. He's there everyday to relieve MIL's loneliness while your wife is hours away living a life of her own.

You may want to consider hiring someone local to call and/or physically look in on MIL daily so you can better monitor the situation. I would not trust any report from the next door neighbor since he potentially has a conflict of interest.

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This is scary. My Mom lived alone in the thumb area of Michigan also, and was found, lost,coming home from the store. In retrospect I don't know if she was lost or simply grieving for my dad who have passed away not too long before this incident. She might have not wanted to go home to an empty house. After much discussion with my children, we moved her into an apartment closer to us. It has and has not been a blessing, as Mum had to changed her entire life style, moving from a large house on acreage. But at least I know she is safe and she no longer drives. You might want to discreetly question your Mom's Doctor. God Bless

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Just pull the keys, move the keys, lose the keys, lose the car.

Find a senior service or something that will deliver groceries, or meals on wheels..

ask her social worker.

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Assisted living places near you so your family can pop in, bring lunch, and play games with them. Usually there are activites... games, movies, etc.

Take tours take MIL with you and have lunch on them,

The closer she is to you, the better you will be, since it won't take time to get there, pop in say hello and leave.

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How old is mom?

Contact the state about her driving. They will contact the sheriff and they will have to address it per their protocol. Or ask her doctor to make the contact if you are concerned about mom finding out.

Hopefully, she has her powers of attorney all setup. If she doesn't you may want to back off, just long enough, until you have the legal authority to do what needs to be done.

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Getting lost once isn't enough. Try a GPS device on her car to monitor her.
And get POA.

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You either have her live with you or impound her in a nursing home. She is not safe alone. Period.

One day she will fall, maybe even break a hip or something and she will have no means of help, and just lay there and suffer. It happens all the time.

It's probably better if you get her and have her live with you until you can organize nursing home placement..or decide to keep her.

If she refuses, you better call 911 and have her Baker Acted. She is NOT SAFE by herself. Do NOT let her be by herself.

You better act fast. Her life depends on it. Falls happen REALLY fast.

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It does not sound like she needs a Nursing Home..yet.
Memory Care or at the least Assisted Living

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Adult Elderly Protective Services Here, Dear, If it is More so Now...A Fear. You know what is Going on Here, Dear, They may Need too Now to Know.

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I know someone's mom who lived at home "at her insistence" by herself, and she fell and was on the ground for days before someone noticed something was odd and called the police. she had no dementia..but that fall ended up killing her. What happened is her wounds *from the fall* got infected with superbugs while in the hospital, she ended up dead.

I warned the daughter not to leave her alone..she did..because she says her mom refused to move from her home. Well--now she's dead.

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Death is not the worse possible fate. It's possible she would have died even with immediate treatment, especially if hospital infections were the cause. I'm sorry she remained on the floor for several days in increasing discomfort. To me, this case is an example of why a fall detector or a daily check in is so necessary for aging in place or a diabetic, not a reason for placement. Our seniors are not perfectly safe even in LTC. Quality of life in your own home (not necessarily the home the kids were raised in) for as long as it can be maintained in reasonable safety is a more practical goal.

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Maybe you can bring her for a visit and evaluate her or visit her

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Maybe going to her for a visit that’s longer than a couple days so she isn’t able to ride that rise to the occasion wave the entire time rather than taking her out of her surroundings if possible. Just seems easier to evaluate her abilities at home in her home with her routines.

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If you can not get her to relocate where it would be safer for her is it possible to get a program like Meals on Wheels to come daily to bring a meal and at least someone would be checking on her.
Unfortunately many moves happen when a catastrophic event happens.
She falls, and 2 things possible she can call 911 or you or she remains on the floor and when she is found it is to late to help.
She gets lost, 2 things possible a neighbor helps or she freezes in a field.

Is it possible to install cameras in the house so you can monitor her? A GPS tracking on her phone and car so you can locate her if necessary? The best option would be to remove the car. She should not be driving if Alcohol is involved and or some form of dementia.

If she will not move you have 3 options.
1.) Leave things the way they are and hope for the best
2.) Get a Caregiver that will come in. How long would depend on what she needs. Could be a few hours now but know it will become a 24/7/365 job at some point.
3.) Begin Guardianship procedures so that you can force the move

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Suggest she stop driving at night. Vision changes can make night time driving difficult. Is she able to handle a GPS device in her car? We got one for my mom to use now - before her memory goes.

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I would have to admit that I dread driving in the dark now as it is so much easier to find my way in the day light. Encourage Your Mom to avoid driving
after dark and see how She manages. If however You discover Your Mom is
drinking and driving then take the keys of the motor car away with You and
decide then on relocating Mom.

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One of the first things I’d do urgently, if she uses a cell phone, is to get the app called Life360. Put it on her phone and yours and make sure she keeps her phone charged and with her at all times. Then YOU know exactly where she is. If she gets lost you can see where she is and give her instructions on how to get home. I agree that driving after dark is harder when eyesight is not quite as good and probably one of the first things to avoid if possible. Familiar landmarks don’t look the same and are easily missed. This can give the perception of dementia when it’s actually more of an eyesight problem. This was a godsend for my sister and me with our Mom when she was still driving. Most of the time it was just to reassure my sister about where Mom was but occasionally she did get “lost” after dark and need instructions to get back home. Much less of a problem during daylight. But even going outside for a walk you will know where she is.

I agree that if at all possible someone needs to go and spend some time there with her on a “visit”. Assess the situation properly. Of course there is the possibility that she may do much better with someone in the house keeping her company. But it might make her realise her vulnerability and be more willing to move somewhere less remote like a retirement village or AL.

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My first thought is cataracts. Has she had them removed? If not, and she is over 70, it is likely that she has very poor night vision and this needs to be addressed. The alcohol is a completely different issue. Both of these need to be investigated before assuming dementia. There are also many other health issues that she may not be taking care of due to her remote location, ignorance or embarrassment, like a UTI, poorly controlled HTN or diabetes. These can all cause symptoms of dementia. Does she have a primary care doctor nearby? Does that PCP know her? Is the PCP competent? Does anyone in the family have a medical POA? Or at least a HIPPAA waiver so you can talk with any medical professional who sees and treats her? Start with getting a legal way to help her "if she needs it" and go from there. Get her diagnosed before starting to make decisions. The recommendation to spend some time with her to see for yourselves what is going on is a good one, especially if you think she is abusing alcohol. If needed you can report her anonymously to the state motor vehicle administration. They will have requirements that she must then meet to prove she is safe to drive, including a medical evaluation and a cognitive screening. It sounds like the driving is just the beginning. This all gets more difficult with age, and now is the time to start planning for driving cessation. "Mom, what if you are hurt in a fall and can't drive for an extended period of time. These things happen to everyone as they age. We want you to move closer so that we can help take care of you." Best of luck!

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Aworriedson, As a relative newbie on this site, I am somewhat dismayed at some of the responses. Your post, like my first one, was brief and left out many details. My mom frequently got lost when she was in her late 50s and early 60s. She was not diagnosed with dementia/Alz until her mid 80s. There are some steps that you should take, but, based on your post, I don't understand the reaction of many that this is a crisis. So here are my suggestions (some of which you may have already addressed):

1) A visit, to do a first-hand assessment, needs to happen. concurrent with that visit, I would schedule an appt with her doc near the end of the visit. The docs assessment may very well require a referral for further assessment from a specialist...or at least that was our experience with our mom.

2) Start doing some research on devices to assist your MIL...a smart phone would likely have gotten her home, a smart watch can detect a fall, etc.

3) If not already in place, contact an attorney and get all the legal documents in place for you/your wife to be able to help your MIL when it becomes necessary.

Elderly care is now a big business. There are so many opportunities, but there are also a ton of obstacles. I am 3.5-4 hours away from my mom. My sisters provide primary care and I go down once a month for a week or so to give them a break. It is not easy when they are not close by.

Prayers and peace to you and yours that you'll find workable solutions for your MIL.

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Agreed! Don't jump to conclusions but do visit and do give her a phone with GPS or some other kind of tool she could use if she gets lost again.

Good suggestions here.

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My mom started getting lost while driving. She’d also lose her car and call the police and report it stolen. A kind neighbor called and told me that my mom was acting confused and odd. Since I lived a 1000 miles away I didn’t realize she was in a downward slide. Even though I talked to her 2 times a week on the phone I had no clue she was indeed in crisis mode. I went to visit and the first few days I didn’t notice anything weird about her other than her house was a total cluttered mess. But by day 3 when she let me borrow her car to go meet a friend, and within an hour I received a distressed phone call from her telling me someone had stolen her car, did I realize my mom has a serious problem. This said I’m confirming what someone else said on this thread. You have to spend more than a few hours to be able to diagnose the severity of their issue. With my mom’s situation, I ended up flying back home to Colorado, getting my affairs in order, grabbing my dogs and driving back across the country to move in with mom for a few months. That gave me the time needed to access her, get her to a neurologist, a lawyer for POA and find her a place to live in an independent senior home. I then cleared out her house, sold it and this helped give her the cash flow to live in her new place.
My situation was pleasantly unique because my mom wanted to move into a senior living place. She was extremely lonely living by herself, had some clarity that she was mentally failing and wanted to be some place safe. I placed her in independent living because she demanded I give her a chance to live an unstigmatized lifestyle. She lived that way until she couldn’t. The senior place was well aware of my mom’s decline so it wasn’t a secret.
If your MIL can use a cell phone, god bless her. She probably isn’t in dire need of extreme action yet. Cell phones are still rather recent additions in this world so people with dementia usually forget how to use them early in their decline.
I really hope your MIL just has cataracts. My very best to you and your family.

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Worried son,

Lots of good advice given here about your situation. This will take some boots on the ground. You need to see what is going on, is it dementia or alcohol or both? Do you need to move mom near you?

I lived 12 hours away from my folks when dad started developing dementia. I put a GPS device on his car and watched his every move for 2 years. When he started wandering and getting lost I stepped in and ended the driving. Mom was already in assited living at this point and dad joined her a few days later. It was a kicking screaming mess but it’s what I had to do to keep them safe.

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Getting lost while driving to a familiar place is a classic sign of Stage 3 Alzheimer's-type dementia. It does not matter what the "cause" is - be it alcoholism, Parkinson's disease, cerebrovascular disease, etc. - but it is NOT normal to become lost while driving in very familiar territory, such as going to a familiar store - even if it's dark and one's vision is not as acute as before.

Others have given many good suggestions - such as making a more extended visit to her house. Take a good survey of what is going on. See if she might have many unpaid bills lying around, still in their envelopes, for example and unopened mail or unread newspapers. (That was the first clue that something was VERY wrong with my father - because the man had been meticulous about finances previously.) Is there a lot of outdated or spoiled food in her refrigerator? Is she taking care of her pets? Inability to do those things can be a sign of inability to live alone.

What could be done in the meantime is to hire a home aide a couple of hours daily under the guise of "assisting her with household tasks" - and have that person provide you with reports of your mother's behavior, cognitive status, ability to manage things, etc.

I also agree with the suggestions of putting a GPS tracking device on her vehicle and also on her cell phone (if she has one).

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There are many medical reasons for an older person to have a temporary loss of judgement that can easily be reversed. Not all dementia is Alzheimer's disease and they cannot all be treated the same. Also, you cannot make a diagnosis based on symptoms alone. Depression, sleep disorders, even OTC cold medications can all cause someone to become disoriented. Knowing what is causing the problem is critical to getting proper care and making effective decisions to prevent dangerous situations in the future.

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She may be showing symptoms of Alzheimer's. Getting lost when driving to a familiar place is the first sign. She needs to see a neurologist and she doesn't get to call the shots as to when she needs to be seen by a specialist. Prayers sent to you.

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I wish we could figure that step out. My MIL has been going "no contact" with doctors and her husband, her best friend, and her son (my husband) have all been after her to go to the doctor. We cannot see how to keep her from "calling the shots" if she won't go. We can't get past square one with this disease.

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It's hard to figure out what is really going on without putting some eyes and ears in the house with her. And if you can't get info out of the neighbors, it's time to make and extended visit yourself or another family member. It has to be done. What you see there is going to give you the real picture of how to proceed.

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That was the start of Alzheimers for my Mom and the start of her losing her driving privileges. She is going to soon need someone to look after her.

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In Ohio a doctor can order a driving test that determines if they keep their license . It removes it from the family. If she fails , sell the car. There is go go grandpa driving services and many areas have elderly transportation. Check out your local senior care agency, they may be able to direct you about what is available

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She's in the middle of nowhere

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My 72 year old mother got lost going to the beauty shop which she had been going for years. As she called to let me know she was lost her car died. Luckily she had AAA road assistance. I live in town but was at work at the time. I placed a GPS tracker on her car then I placed the app on her phone. So it would alert me when she ventured outside of her home driving. I would also suggest a facebook video or something that you could physically see her during calls that is mature adult friendly that was you can get a first eye view on the drinking situation.

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I read the idea about a GPS Tracker to my husband. He asked how you keep the battery charged if you have to be sneaky about it. Do you have one you recommend?

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Mom got lost driving, lives alone in a remote area. How do we proceed?

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