My Mom has allergies and a cat, and I want the cat gone. My brother and I disagree. Any advice?
Mother rescued cat as a kitten. She's been treated for scratches from the cat. She has compromised her safety climbing stairs to get cat. Cat attacks Mom when she's not looking, when walking or jumps on her when she's unaware. Mom lives alone,and sleeps with bedroom door open. She won't put cat in basement at night. (Feels it's cruel). Mom has rigged up a paneling cardboard thing to keep cat out of hall leading to her bedroom. It's difficult to set up for me, much less her. She has age related memory and bad choices issues. We bought her a $500.00 air cleaner with remote, she either forgets to use it.or feels it puts out cold air,and won't use in winter. Mom thought she had head cold. Flu turned into Pneumonia. She either fainted or fell going to restroom at night,and was to weak to get up. She was rescued by alert system and taken to hospital. No physical damage, but so weak, she's been in therapy for 3 weeks. I'm flying home, and am going to try to be her caregiver for 6 months. Because of my HMO, that's the limit I can stay. I have a Brother that is helping me. In that time we have decisions to make. She can't live alone anymore. House to be cleared of 60 years of accumulation that turned into hoarding the last 10 years.
Mom wants my husband and I to move to her house. We have children and Grand,and Great Grand Children in Calif. The climate where she lives is why we moved 50 years ago. We're 70 years old and have some health issues.
I believe I will have so much to deal with, I don't want the cat there when Mom comes home. My Brother and good friend and neighbor thinks the cat is good for her. What should we do?
If your mom doesn't want the cat in the bedroom at night but wants to still keep her bedroom door open, install a wooden screen door, of course the cat will probably hang on the screen so that will need to be replaced on a regular basis. I agree, don't put the cat in the basement, that is cruel unless it's the cat's own idea of going down there. My male cat has is own *man cave* in the basement to get away from the girl cats when he feels they are too annoying :P
By the way, who is caring for the cat while your mom has been away? I hope a neighbor is feeding the cat and cleaning out the cat litter, unless the cat goes outdoors.
I agree with your brother, the good friend, and the neighbor about the cat. That cat is your mom's *baby* since she rescued the cat as a kitten... there's a special bond there. As for the cat "attacking" mom, the cat is playing. I know I have my fair share of scratches, mostly my own fault by reaching toward the cat to pet him instead of petting from behind him... some cats feel a sense of threat when approached that way.
Check her house for mold. Dampish basement storage is often the culprit.
Air out her house completely. Change the furnace filter. Gosh, this is a lot to take on at your age, are you sure you want to do this?
Also this is anew era. For the first time Seniors are taking care of Seniors.
Do I have to do it. No. But I want to be with my Mom. I have a Bro and 17 cousins. We're Family. About the cat(Sara Lee) I've been with her before for 6 weeks. SHE loves me because I talk to her, and understand Cats better than Mom. Am I able to do this? But God. I've tried to get to her since last Jan. He's opening the doors. All's good. I've learned a lot from here and I have here to help me. Spanks Suegirl
When I think of hoarding I think the the two TV series shows that are devoted to nothing but hoarding. Should I assume that isn't the case with your Mom even though you wrote "turned into hoarding the last 10 years". Or is it certain things that your Mom likes to collect and she just has too much of those things?
Cute name for the cat, Sara Lee :)
I have a recommendation. May or may not be practical for you. But, given what you said, is sounds like Mom will not be able to *ever* live independently again. Unless maybe it is a medication side effect or something else that really can be changed...try to get a geriatrician or geriatric neurologist to assess that and also assess mom's cognitive function. Get the POAs and such in order, find out what the income is and the care options might be in the future.
If things are what they seem to be - permanent need for care - give some consideration to moving Mom and the cat, not you and your family. There are companies that would clean up and do an estate sale of Mom's house, or maybe you have the help, time, and energy to do - just don't let it make people ill, wear N-95 masks around any droppings or mold or mildew. The house, if she can never go back, could pretty much be an albatross around your necks, though if you find out she needs Medicaid, it is an exempt asset as long as she states any intention of returning in most states...but then in the end it is subject to estate recovery unless a full time caregiver has lived there and done care for a few years (not just months). That kind of decision might warrant seeking advice of an estate planner or eldercare attorney, again to see what's possible and what's likely.
Big sigh, and "welcome to our world." I was fifty something when this started to happen to my mom, and that journey was full of the hardest things I ever had to do....hugs.
If you have been doing a lot of reading about dementia, you probably know that most persons with dementia eventually reach a point where it is nearly impossible to be cared for in a private home, unless there are round-the-clock shifts of carers, and even then the situation might not be the best.
I assume that your mom is in her 90s. Maybe you can care for her for the rest of her life, or maybe you can have a good period with her and then need to place her in a care center and visit her often.
My mom (with dementia) is now 94. She lived a little over a year with one daughter before she needed more care than Sis could provide. I think it was a year of good bonding for both of them. Mom is now in a nursing home, getting good care, and she is quite content. She is a two-person transfer with a lift machine. It would be impossible for any of us to care for her in our homes.
But to your specific question, about the cat. I guess I'd try to keep the cat, but try to prevent Mom from "caring" for it. The cat likes you. If Mom isn't alone with it and has someone supervising her air cleaner, etc. perhaps it will work OK.
Claws are what cats use to catch rodents, and for their own first line of defense. Declawed cats have to relearn how to walk as walking is quite painful for months after the surgery. Some cats never recover.
My suggestion to you would be to see if you can't shorten your time away from your husband. And to remember that it's prudent, not selfish, to factor impact to you and your husband, into decisions about your mom.
To address the cat issue. I agree that it may be a hazard for her, mainly because cats can get right under one's feet and can be a tripping hazard. I also know that the elderly are lonely and a pet can be a great source of companionship. Regardless, let's not make the cat the "evil one" here. It is simply an animal who really has no choice in her life. If you move your mother out, the pet may need to be re-homed. Notice, I didn't say euthanized. That is a cruel decision, not that you said that was in mind, but someone needs to take responsibility for finding it a home.
As far as cleaning out a "hoarding" situation, this can actually be hazardous to your health. You might consider hiring a company that does this sort of thing. If your mother doesn't have the means to do this, then please where a surgical mask at the least and gloves.
Yes, like the previous comment, get a POA and a durable health care POA if one is not in place so you can help with decisions. If her decision making skills and processing is an issue, then this must be done.
If you are in 70's then your mother must be in 90's. You are dealing with something that is not uncommon and is difficult but not insurmountable. We moved my 92 dad out over a year ago...he had 30 years of accumulations. We took what we wanted, threw out all unimportant papers and refuse, hired an estate sale company to sell the rest, donated what was left and sold the house. Step by step and it was accomplished. IT was a difficult year, I won't lie. But my sister and I divided up duties and got it accomplished. Best thing we ever did and now we don't worry about him being alone and falling down the stairs etc.
Best to you...and your brother in this situation.
Hording is an issue, especially if safety is an issue. You need to present anything you are planning on doing to mom in a way that allows her some control of the outcome.
It sounds like the cat is a cat, but maybe some behavior modification would come in handy; the cat doesn't know running under mom's feet can cause her to fall.
Contact the local Area Agency on Aging or Bureau of Senior Services, they will have information on community options for your mom. This would include in home programs, adult medical day care, home delivered meals and a host of other services. They also have info on the National Family Caregiver Support Program, utilize these programs. They exist to help ease the caregiving burden that many of us feel.
If mom is having some memory loss, maybe she needs a good assessment from her physician to rule out any medical issues. Set her medications up in cassettes which makes it easier to remember to take, or you could purchase or request through the family caregiver program, a electronic pill box which will alarm at the time of each dose of meds.
It's good that you and your brother are willing to assist mom, don't make a lot of big changes all at once. Small changes are easier to accept, and remember give mom choices so that she feels she has some control. Good luck.
Goodwill told me they did not want anything "used" just new or like new - that they only wanted what could be sold without repair. (I had couch that wasn't new, but still looked good and some other older furniture that was still in basically good shape - they refused to take it)
Salvation Army sent truck to my house to pick up the furniture - was told they would inspect and decide - they were happy to take all.
Salvation Army drop off location always staffed and helps getting stuff out of car.
People on receiving always appreciative of everything they receive.
I think it is better for your mom to keep her cat as it is her baby and probably part of her heart now. They have done studies that show that a cat will make you healthier and live longer due to the happiness and stress relief their love and purring gives. They just did a new one on this, it was on the news! But please don't rip her baby out of her life and her heart.
I think what you are attempting to do to help your mom is wonderful and you are a fantastic daughter! I REALLY agree with the others who have said please do take care of yourself first though. My best wishes to you and yours.
From what you have stated, I would be suspect that her functioning may not be very good. When that happens, especially if it's due to dementia, things aren't going to improve. Seeing her first hand will enable you see what her needs are. You can then discuss where she can have her needs met, whether it's in her home with help or assisted living.
You might check to see if the cat is using the litter box properly. Sometimes an unhappy cat will act out. I saw that with my cousin's cat. She loved her cat, but her dementia made the situation impossible. You also say your mom is allergic to the cat. And that she puts her safety in danger because of the cat. I'm not sure what the upside is with that. I think many people suggest keeping a pet, no matter what the problems are, because they think it's an emotional benefit. That has merit to a certain extent, but when it's not practical and you have your mom's physical health to deal with, I think I would set some priorities and it would not include keeping an aggressive cat who causes your mom harm and to whom she is allergic.
If you're going to clean the house out, why not board the cat during that time? Also, if mom has dust, mold, etc. allergies too, then clearing and cleaning can really affect you, since so many spores are stirred up. I would consult with a professional.