My mother has Alzheimers, she has lived with us for two years. She is on two medications Donepezil HCL and Nuedexta which she has been taking for one year. In the past three weeks she has become angry mostly focused at my wife. She has always disliked my wife, we think is is due to thinking that I am her husband or brother. She is never wrong, lies all the time, and blames someone or them or they if she can't find something. She is 90 years old and in very good health no medication other than what is listed above. During the past two years our life has come to a halt and is affecting our marriage. Neither one of us want to put her in a nursing home, but we cannot continue in this manner.
We decided that as long as she is still mobile she would stay with us. We wouldn't have enough money for an expensive memory care place and I do not want our corrupt government anywhere near us.
It's sounds like your mom is having difficulty accepting responsibility for her actions.. ie. blaming others,lying, seeking Attn through negative behaviors. It also sounds like there was a history of mental health issues ( not liking your wife in the past ) reason I say this exhibits a MHI is because of how your mom handled her emotions with as opposed to the fact that she had feelings of anger which may it not have been warranted.
I have found donepezil to have issues depending on the form of dementia the person has. My mom has delusional ideation as a symptom and the donepezil makes it worse, to the point of anger. So you might wanna talk with your doc about taking her off for a month, however before you do that make sure it's being given at the correct time of the day which is just before bed as it works more efficiently while the mind is at rest.
As for the arguing, make sure it isn't your wife. I realize that no one will say this on here cause she's " going above and beyond" helping with the care for your mom, but I had to have a sit down with my wife because of her personality clashing with my moms.
It is very hard to distinguish if you aren't or haven't been involved in counseling, reading body mechanics, and or facial expressions. The dementia patient clearly understands body language as words can sometimes be confusing.
As an example, my wife is very mothering when it comes to mom. That's great right!?! No. Mom was a VERY independent woman and doesn't desire the mothering ways of my wife and in turn doesn't always like her.
So taking a step back and all of you going to moms memory/psych appts might be a first step.
I wish you well and hope you can find a solution other than a facility. They raised us, now it's out turn :)
Chris
And since you're being driven to choose, you have to put your wife first. You can provide loving care for your mother without necessarily living with her. Same doesn't apply to your wife. Make sure your wife knows it's not her fault and you're not blaming her.