Mom has dementia, is depressed and doesn’t want to live. Any advice?

Yes, this is normal, and we have to just accept it. Sometimes I can get Mom to talk and cheer her up, but why would expect anything else???

My mom who has dementia talks about wanting to die all the time! She’s constantly saying I hope I die or maybe I’ll just die. It’s hard to listen to! I don’t know if this is normal or not. I’m trying now to find a place for her. I dread putting her anywhere but I cannot take care of her full time and she doesn’t want anyone to come in her home. What do I do?

my mom did that sometime a lot i just ignored it ..if you could take her to movies visit family ..my mom said every morning i wish i would just die .but her favorite was cats so they kinda help cheer her up .try to do things that make her happy ..anti depression pills do not work much ... worse yet winter will come ..so good luck .

Dear Beloved Family Member, try emphasizing more protein in the diet with protein drinks or protein shakes made with a wholesome ice cream brand. A well balanced diet helps to avoid mood swings. Offer a balanced protein and carbohydrate snack every 3-4 hours.
Try a good quality vitamin mineral supplement with plenty of water for needed hydration.

Read labels to avoid consuming unhealthy preservatives. Also, research side effects of medications that may have been prescribed.

Stay encouraged and be knowledgeable about all foods and beverages your loved one consumes.

Many Blessings,

Why would anyone want to continue living with dementia? And why should society be alarmed if a person sees the ghastly road ahead and chooses to die on their own terms? Watching my father descend into madness has made me convinced that the entire system is defunct. We don't have brains, we ARE our brains. I am determined to have an exit strategy for myself. I will not end up destroying my kids' lives, incontinent, deluded, and living a nightmarish existence. It is utterly terrifying to me. If your mum wants to go, help her. Let her die with a modicum of cognition and dignity.

We are all riding with you. All dementia experiences are different. Perhaps one of us will have encountered a similar problem as yours, and give you some thoughts to consider. Stay with us!

Gen

I guess I never really thought about not understanding the book. I’m used to get being analytical that I forget she has this condition. I spend a lot of time talking to her on the phone but every time it’s like the first time.

Found out from the AL that she called 911 because she thought she hadn’t heard from me in “weeks” and I was hurt and in trouble. This is a major roller coaster and honestly I hope no one has to ride this.

What about a picture book? Art photography, photos from a museum in a country that interests her, a book with photos from the area she lives in? Photos from the country of her ancestors? Words and their meanings can be difficult for someone with dementia. But they get pictures just fine! At least that is proving so where my Patrick is now. She is not going to learn from a book about what she is experiencing, but you might. One that is an easy read for you and other family members would be 'The 36 Hour Day' by Nancy Mace. It is available from Amazon, if not a local book store. It is a good reference book as we travel this very lumpy road. But not for the patient. It is for family and caregivers.

Just hold on tight, you CAN do this, and she will take time to adjust.

Gen

I can understand, maybe you've got kids

I know that they should try to do the activities when they are in AL or other senior residences. My MIL will not join anything except occasionally the bus trips. She does not even go for many meals. She mostly stays in her room. She has been staying in bed longer and longer. We try to encourage her to go but refuses. I took her down for lunch last week and had lunch with her hoping it would encourage her to do it on her own.

Most likely she will not understand any book given and it's good intention. If she is able to understand it while reading she will most likely forget it, so my advice professionally as well as being a care partner is to change the subject, explain some of the changes to her and just love her. My wife many times feels similarly but a positive attitude by anyone around her almost always helps. It is not an easy road since it seems in my wife's setting to be on a slippery slope down hill. She is being treated by a neurologist and from my observation treated by well, her neurologist's mother has dementia as well. My wife's disease is called: Vascular Dementia and she now in the Sundowner's stage. The road is long and just sloping some and we already have hit many bumps and the curves are sometimes more then I can handle well. She lives in an Assistance in Living while I am living in the independent apartment near, in the next building. Pray for wisdom and God's guidance and live and love since it seems it will not change/improve. That's the last prognosis from Mayo Clinic to my knowledge.

Thanks again for those with advice. Any thoughts on a book that I can give her to read? Maybe having something she can read even if it’s over and over might help to reminder her and help keep her calm?

There is no set time for adjusting and accepting the new living situation. The victim of this terrible disease does not understand why they are there and want to be home where everything is familiar and known, as would we when not feeling our best. WE know they are safer, cared for, and protected, but they do not know how much they need to be. The Care unit should have activities planned for the residents, ask that she be encouraged to attend when music events are scheduled -- or any other subject that once interested her. Music is particularly enjoyable for people with dementia. I am told music is processed in a different area and different way than other things we remember and it has proven so, at least with my loved one. He can remember all the words to all the songs, where we first heard the artist, where we were and who was with us. Can't remember if he ate breakfast, but music? Always. Once a new resident starts enjoying such activities, they seem to adjust faster to the life changes. Check the schedule of events, and make an effort to attend with her at first. She may respond very well.

Dear Daughter,
My heartfelt compassion goes out to you. Understand that your mom is going through a major transition. Be understanding and loving as much as you can. Supplement her diet with protein powder shakes, use almond milk with ice cream. Amino Acids improve our neurotransmission in our brain. Have your moms thyroid checked. Hypothyroidism can memic dementia. Google natural supplements good for the brain. I use buried treasure`s - added attention brain support supplement along with probiotics for my mom. Start off with very small dosages to acclimate your moms immunal system. Try to offer a clean diet as much as possible. Keep your mom well hydrated with alkaline water. Please research all medications being given to your mom for side effects, that may cause a lot of the negative symptoms. A balanced diet makes a world of difference. Be patient and put yourself in your moms position for understanding.
Your challenges are not easy. I fully understand and deal with these challenges daily. Look for senior support programs like Area on Aging ect
Many Blessings! Stay Encouraged!

Adrienne :o)

My mom is 90 and in AL. I know for a fact that if my dumb-azz brothers would take 10-15 min a week to call and let her know that they still think about her would help her immensely. They are in there 60's and 70's. Grow up and enough with the excuses, YOUR mother needs you!!! Sorry, but I have been keeping this in me for quite the while.

My MIL say's the same thing often and has even told her doctor while on a visit that "She didn't want to be hear on earth anymore". The doctor put her on different meds and they seem to be helping some. Her dementia isn't as bad as it could be but she knows that she is loosing her memory and that she has lost her independence. It is hard to see her this way. I stay with her full time but she can still do somethings on her own ( shower, dress herself, make coffee) but I do everything else. The hardest part for my MIL is she has lived own her on for 30yrs and just moved in with us in October. She cant stand the fact that she will never be able to get in her car and drive where ever she wants. She loves to shop but cant walk very far and refuses to use a walker or wheel chair. It breaks my heart because me and my husband know this is only gonna get worse. Sending thoughts your way.

@debdaughter I'm not sure this ladies question is the place to post a long answer to yours. Kinda off topic... but I have plans in place. :)

That’s good advice everyone. I’m trying as hard as I can but it’s mentally exhausting for me and her. Hopefully having her in AL memory care will help me and give me a chance to take a break.

If someone has dementia, I believe either their brains are physically tangled, like in Alzheimers, or their brain cells are dying. No medicine can fix it. Many times people with dementia are not aware of what they are saying, or that they're saying it over and over. The best "treatment" is to get them off topic. Change their mood. They love to reminisce ... look at old pictures (even if they don't recognize themselves or their family) ... listen and sing to old music ... have them help you do a simple task like folding towels. (You can slyly take the folded ones and throw them back in the bag with the unfolded towels to fold again, if you don't let them see you). It's important to calm them down. Help them feel safe and comfortable, and as others have said, loved. Sometimes you might say something that isn't exactly truthful in order to calm
them down. For example, if mom's son comes to see her about one afternoon/week, and you aren't sure when he's coming next and she becomes anxious and wants to see him at 7:00 AM one morning, don't try to get into a lengthy explanation about his schedule. Just say something like, "he just called to say he has a Dr. app't. and will be a little late." You can say that all morning, then you may have to add, "He called again and told us to be sure to tell you that he has to go to the Lab and then to the drug store, so he'll be here as soon as he can." And so on. Finally, if he doesn't show up that day, tell her he called to apologize and couldn't make it, but will be here for sure tomorrow. If you just told her right away that he couldn't come see her today, she would forget and be anxious and ask you over and over. This way, it settles her down for a bit. But then, don't let mom find out that her son wasn't at the Dr., the Lab, and the Pharmacy. Just in case mom remembers to ask him about it, tell him you told her that when he comes in. People with dementia are usually very paranoid and apprehensive. If they find out you were "lying" to them, they will not trust you again for a long time.

My MIL is in AL and she says she wants to die lots when we visit. She does not get up in the morning and lots of time stays in bed part or all afternoon. she says she will vomit if she eats or gets up. If you get her up she does not vomit. She says she is in pain all the time. I have taken her to her doctor and psychiatrist and she is on anti- depressants.

My Mom was like that last year. Her thyroid level was very low (and, I am sure, had been for years, but she refused to have it treated). But, after she was on Synthroid, I have not seen the depression or heard her indicate she wanted to die. She has, of course, declined in other ways just because of her age (94).

so, fairiefiles, what do you plan on doing?

Hugs Nixxon💜🦋

I appreciate everyone advice. Luckily I got he POAs in order before all of this happened so we are good on that front.

She still calls everyday and says she doesn’t remember where she lived just last week even. I’m not sure the duration of this but part of me hopes is is quick so she doesn’t have to suffer or find a cure. Either way is fine with me.

It’s just hard listening to her pain and know I can’t help.

I have found that the desire to die rather than slowly slip away into nothingness is pretty normal? I'm not sure about the compassion in some of the ways we extend life... When a point is reached that complete physical dependence is required and a patient can no longer communicate with others or care for themselves, especially when they are suffering, some of it seems... cruel? I wish that there was a way to have a contract in place to define in detail at what point of deterioration a person would like to be allowed to die. Something like a do not resuscitate order, but for the mind. Even without having dementia myself, I can understand where she's coming from. I have no desire to outlive my mind. I have expressed this to my adult children who have agreed to honor my wishes. I've cared for several people who have taken the long journey to death that Dementia/Alzheimer's brings. I know exactly what it entails. I don't want that for myself. I can't blame anyone else who feels the same. On the other hand I've seen the beauty in caring for a loved one too, so, I don't blame anyone who chooses that either. For me it's all about the choice.

My wife has Vascular Dementia and has mentioned very often the desire to die. She has done this even before the dementia, but when life seems not worth living for her along with all the pain she suffers, I guess I can't blame her for wanting to die. Her main concern is that I will be there for her when she needs me even though living in the Assistance in Living portion of our retirement community. Trying to be encouraging to her is my best defense for us both as we face each day - also knowing when our time is up - God has our days numbered.

My father - God bless his soul, was an avid dancer and listener of good music in his younger days. He loved big band, and we got him set up with a long loop of big band and music from his "era". We also looped inspirational DVDs that shows pictures of the Earth and oceans that were delightful to watch. One of the benefits of dementia is that some of these DVDs are "new" to our parents every time they watch them.

We are all faithful Catholics, and although my father was sad to see his memory and health fade, he looked forward to seeing mom and his loved ones again.

Most important tell her that you love her, listen to her and never try to "make logic" of what her perception is. Just be with her; whether by phone, or in person as often as is feasible. Remember, that in some way she will remember some, if not all of your visits.

Console her, tell her she is important to you.. Just make her feel better.. If I had to go thru what my Mom did, and I had to watch her, I would want to die too. Dementia is horrible!!

Nixon2000,

I can tell you that there are some very good advice received thus far and I will give a little if my experiences with my mother and my impressions that the PCP and it Geriatric Psychologist agree with me. I felt one of my mother’s problems may be because of sleep deprivation. Parents often times don’t tell the whole story to the doctors. I discovered that I was clueless of the real symptoms of Sundowners and the Geriatric Psychologist agreed that what I described was truly Sundowners.

Mom also has suffered with Depression for years, but kept it hidden from her friends and church family. I mention this as you describe your mother and I see my mother. Mom was re-diagnosed as NOT Having Dementia this past January. That multiple other doctors from last July 31 to September 19 misdiagnosed her with Dementia. But they agree she has a cognitive issue that the sleep deprivation may be causing some if the altered mind state.

In December I sat down and researched (WebMD, DrugsRx, etc) EVERY pill and supplement Mom took. On the list of drugs I took her off were as follows: PEPCiD, Zofran, Diltiazem, Pravastatin, Toprol XL which we changed to Metoprolol 1/4 strength BID. Added to the Duloxetine for depression Mirtazapine which has a major side effect of causing sleepiness (hence give at bedtime) and PROBIOTICS as there is a research paper that found probiotics users have shown decrease depression. We never used Iodized Salt so I figured since Mom also lost her colon due to diverticulitis and they tell me that she needs more Sodium that this may be part of the changes causing the altered mind state. I failed to tell you why the Meds weee removed, as they are documented as causing things like Hallucinations, or Confusion and agitation. At first the Mirtazapine worked better then without, but after the doctors increased the dosage Mom decided she wanted to stop taking it as she CLaIMS it is keeping her awake. This was when I told the New Geriatric Psychologist that I felt she has Sundowners and that she is sleep deprived. The care givers who take care of Dad with Alzheimer’s told me that Mom has been getting up at 3 a.m. and doing kitchen cleaning and Hallucinating again the past two to three weeks. I feel Mom is trying to hide the Hallucinations reoccurrence from me.

One thing I feel that does help is my getting Mom out of the house to do simple things like grocery shopping. This gives her a sense of usefulness and by my having someone else take her she gets away from Me and Dad. As she and I also have cabin fever and we find ourselves getting on each other’s nerves.

Mom has had several talks with me that she knows that she has Memory problems, on her good days, and that this bothers her. I feel that this is why she also does not want to take advantage of her old habits of going out once a week to Bible Study with friends as she is afraid they will notice her memory problems. Mom is actually a very shy but proud women and fears embarrassment. She resist change and wants to maintain control. But I had to take away the checkbooks and credit cards which was harder on me I think, but I think she is accepting my doing so. She has not actually fought back nor discussed it directly, but indirectly she told me of a phone solicitation for a donation and she told me that she told them that she no longer handles the finances, that they would have to talk with me.

I apologize for my diarrhea of the mouth, or keyboard in this case. But I hope this helps at least a little! Remember it will take at least 90 days for the doctors to start and adjust the anti-depressants before you will have a true idea if they are the right drugs. Actually over four years we are on our third drug and adding another if not actually a second drug in the next month.

Many good suggestions here. It's okay for mom to feel that way. It is normal. we're not supposed to live forever -- probably not even as long as we are living now. :( Increasing her anti-depressants is a good idea, altho' it didn't help my mom. She only cheers up when I am there (but I live 11 hrs away) or one of my sibs is there. My sister almost never comes, one brother stops maybe every few weeks (and he doesn't even work), and the other is severely disabled but his staff brings him for 2 hrs a week. He'd stay longer but Mom can't help him urinate very easily (he requires help to use the urinal). I think the best suggestion above is just to listen to her and acknowledge her feelings.