My mother-in-law just moved in with us nearly two months ago, and cannot care for herself. My husband is blind and has a seizure disorder. I have chronic pain throughout my body and lower back. Since moving in, she has put me in complete charge of her finances, her shopping, hiring help for cleaning/caregiving, and waiting on her hand and foot. She wants to go out and "play" all the time! Neither her son or I can keep up with her or her shenanigans. What do we do?? She really wants to go go go...and all I feel like doing is sleep and cry. I just don't have anything more to give.
When my mother could no longer participate in those kinds of discussions, I knew it was time for a change in our care arrangements and our relationship. She simply remained demanding, despite the choices offered and facts told. It looked like stubbornness and resistance, but ultimately brain changes were the root cause.
She had been an Olympic Gold Medalist in stubborn before, but could eventually accept choices. That ability went away. It worked better to do more telling about what was going to be and not offer choices. I look back now and realize I set myself up for a ton of frustration by not understanding what was going on and not being prepared to handle it.
Prioritize what is reasonable for yourself and offer this OR that but not this AND that. Soon she will get the message. Don't be mean about it, just factual. Say you can't do it all today so pick. or you pick.
"All of her sons (3 remaining of 4) have a grandiosity about them and feel entitled to have their way." The apples do not fall short of the tree do they? I really doubt you will find them helpful.
You and your husband need to see a marriage therapist and get his mother out of there! If not, you two could end up having to go somewhere for your own care and MIL would be left with the house.
My mother is narcissistic - sounds like your mil is too, and would have had me wait on her hand and foot too. I refused. She now is in an ALF and they deal with her. Over the years there have been many demands and crises, mother has had lots of energy, and my health are suffered so I have had to draw boundaries around what I will and will not do. Over 1/3 of caregivers die before the person/people they look after. You need to look after yourself.
Your mil is competent apparently, she does not have dementia, so give her a deadline at which time she will move out. Being so active, a senior's complex should suit her. If necessary you and your husband should see a therapist first so he understands that this is to much for you. Your doctor may be able to be supportive in that direction too and also prescribe antidepressants for you.
Make a plan for the changes you need and let us know how you are doing.
What about her other sons? Why is the burden of her care only on you in the first ... especially since you already are dealing with your husbands health issues? I have a situation here with my MIL spending every other month here and the other month with her other son. I hate it ... but its certainly better than the alternative of having her here full time. I'm already setting up guards for when she can no longer (or tries to say) she can no longer do this by making it very clear to her that this is a huge imposition that she's pulled on us and if there's any permanency it most definitely won't be here ... so she better make sure her other son stays healthy and ready to deal with what ever comes along. If your husband and your MIL won't listen to reason about her going into AL can't you at least get any of her other sons to share the burden? I mean with possibly two other homes to visit that would mean you would only have to have her four months out of the year ... Definitely better than the full twelve!
Some sanity savers I use to this day:
Go to the USPS.gov site and pay the $1 to have his mail forwarded to your house. It does NOT have to go to him at the AL facility. You don't have to prove POA or produce paperwork. It's just a form you fill out. The bills will come to him c/o your address.
Setup online bill paying and bank account access. This is a huge timesaver.
I would go shopping for mom every Saturday to start with. Then the trips started to become a living nightmare, so I stopped taking her and did the shopping for her and the laundry pickup. She expected next day laundry service, and she had to learn to get that, she was going to have to pay the IL/AL place. The free laundry from our house got done on our schedule. She never went without clean drawers, towels, clothes, or sheets, so all her complaining was just empty noise.
You can also use a grocery delivery service. We have Coborn's Delivers dot come in these parts.
My mom's place included 20 meals a month, so I knew that mom was NOT going to starve to death if she didn't have her grocery list satisfied by 5 pm every Saturday. This had simply turned into a control point. She was asking me to bring her things she already had and was not using up. Eventually it came to light that she was not eating in the dining room or using her groceries. This realization preceeded her move into the care unit by just a few days because of a whole different episode.
When you remove the visit obligations, you get to visit on your terms and can feel less stress and restriction in your life.
While they're not perfect, my mom tells me almost every day how happy she is to be there. I got my folks a place at the front of the building, where my mom can see the ambulances come and go and the military reservists across the street (my dad was career Air Force). I didn't know enough to pick that apt. because of that, but my mom always says she's glad she's on the front where the "action" is and not facing the back, where nothing happens. :)
Write everyone in the family a letter explaining that you are going away to recuperate.
Hire a home-health aid for your husband.
And wish them all the best as you board the plane.
I know, very unrealistic, but it would surely make the point!
Good luck. Remember, hardly anybody has parent who WANT to move into assisted living, the nursing home, etc. They are basing their information on what was true in the 60s & 70s where these places were h3ll holes for the demented, insane, and other mental illnesses that didn't deserve institutionalization.
Today's care facilities look nothing like the county home did in 1975 or even 85.
They look like hotels.
They are purpose built, unlike your home.
You can't ruin the couch by peeing on it. Or the floor.
They have fresh staff every 8 hours who are there on purpose.
One staff person isn't trying to do it all for each resident.
The have kitchen staff, cleaners, activity directors, therapists, nurses, attendants & aids, bus drivers, doctors who do house-calls at the facility.
The place my mom started off at had on site beautician, post office, book mobile, gift shop, visiting pets, PT, dentist, and a skilled nurse on duty 24/7. Somebody came in and setup mom's pills for her. I did her laundry, but they could take that too.
At a facility your mother could have a non-stop stream of people doing nothing but paying attention to her day and night. If she's bored, it's her own fault. My mom's place had constant activities all day, every day. Movies, book clubs, outings to theater, restaurants, movies. There was on site church in 5 flavors.
Cocktail hours, theme nights in the restaurant. And what I called the "old biddies club" who went everywhere together.
It was as close to a cruise ship that goes nowhere as possible. It had a safety pull cord in the bathroom, and I'm OK check every morning. Tena undergarments were delivered to mom's apartment in brown wrapping and billed on the monthly invoice.
When she needed more services than are available in AL, she moved down a unit to the care center on the same campus. Now she's in memory care. Same campus, different wing. I can't rave enough about the continuum care campuses.
Did father-in-law spoil her during their marriage? Sounds like maybe he took charge of their finances, their shopping, hiring help for cleaning/caregiving, and plus waiting on her hand and foot.