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my controlling 88 yr old mom has informed my  dad who is 86 that after 4 pm he is  not allowed  water.. I video taped her yelling at him he does have some incontinence at night but changes his undies and they get washed every other day......he has not wet the bed.. dealing with both of them with dementia.....assisted living sounds better every day for him.....

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Helpfulone, this is tough on both of them. Two people with dementia trying to manage on their own is not a good think. If you were to move them to assisted living or to an Adult Family Care Home others could take on the caregiving role and then they could just worry about living day to day. It sounds like mom as always been controlling and that will only get worse not better as time go on. In the mean time while you are thinking about a move may I suggest guards for men. He can wear them inside his regular undies and change them if they get wet. This way she may never even know if he has an accident. They are more discreet then full on depends so he may welcome them easier. Taking his water away at night is not the answer. It's ok to limit it a bit but everyone should be able to quench a dry pallet when they need to, and you don't want him becoming dehydrated which can happen quickly in older folks, because this will bring on another whole host of problems. I wish you the best. Hugs to all.
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Hydrate!
On the opposite side of the scale is what Ferris mentioned:
W a t e r. I n t o x i c a t i o n .
Look it up.
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It used to be known that drinking a big glasses of water per day is what you needed. it's now been discovered that each person's water intake varies from person to person. I don't recommend drinking too much water all at once, but when you feel full that's when you need to stop. I can understand that on the hot summer days you can end up drinking around a gallon throughout the day, but that's over the period of a day and not all at once. You should only drink enough water depending on your body's individual needs and not overdo it
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I too, hope that no one is drinking a gallon of water at one time. I have stage 3 chronic kidney disease, an ailment I knew nothing about before I was diagnosed. It is considered a silent disease. I believe that if I had been drinking a gallon of water at a time, I could have damaged my kidneys even more.
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I just read where someone drinks a gallon of water at 10 p.m. This is absolutely very dangerous. Drinking that much water at one time can throw one's electrolytes out of balance and cause water intoxication leading to death. I hope that person was kidding!
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Always, every day, you are good Rainmom. I am always impressed!
U R so funny, lol!
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Sendme - ummm, thank you? Just today?
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If your dad has incontinence problems, then not drinking liquids at least two hours before bed is a wise move. However, I don't know what time he goes to bed, this is something you should find out to see if maybe he might be going too long without liquids. There may be a chance that you're controlling mom is most likely abusing your dad, and you may actually have to game guardianship and remove him from the situation into assisted living. You may also benefit from alerting your local APS or adult protective services
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Hold it! Just get him some Depends - the brief type. My husband (89) wears them, and I don't want him to drink past 6 p.m. Both of them are probably having some incontinence due to the dementia, so both could benefit from waterproof briefs ( I have Silhouettes just in case). I've been really ill with a cough and can urinate coughing really hard, so I know (I'm 67 yrs). So don't despair yet. At least she is yelling at him. When both don't talk, can't walk, and can't eat by themselves, then consider a nursing home.
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Dad is on liquid intake restriction. We don't have him drink after 10. If hes thirsty i find ice pops help during that time. He is on 40 mg furosimide so peeing is an issue. He wears depends to bed. Plus he has parkinsons so getting to the bathroom fast is not reality. This was doctor order. I find it helps for night time and in this situation it works.
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Countrymouse --
Your response shows a great deal of insight. It should be very helpful.
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If I was him I drink a gallon of water at 10:00 pm.
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Rainmom, You are spot-on today! Not TMI, we needed to hear your advice, and what works for you. This is one of the most helpful posts in a long time, and told in a way that is amazing! At least it covers things I can relate to!!!! Thanks!
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My adult son lives at home - he has severe autism and functions at a 2 yr old level. It took to age 13 to get Rainman fully potty trained but then he had an accident (a real accident, not of the bathroom variety) and spent 6 weeks in the hospital, two surgeries etc and lost his bathrooming skills. It took till age 20 to get his bathrooming close to where they were - still, at almost 23 he's not 100% so still wears Depends. It's fair to say I've washed more than my fair share of peed on cloths and bedding. When Rainman wets at night he manages to soak every sheet, blanket, comforter and sometimes get the pillows - I have no idea how he manages it but he does - and thanks, but don't bother with suggestions because - yes, I've tried it! I've tried EVERYTHING! So I talked to his dr regarding Rainmans liquid intake. We determined an appropiate amount that is adjusted in warmer weather and how much time he spends outdoors in the heat. We eat dinner in between 5:00 - 6:30 when Rainman usually has his last liquids - about 12 - 24oz depending on what he "asks"
for - Rainman is completely non-verbal. Bed time for him is between 8:00 - 9:00pm. I know this is early but this is when he asks to go to bed. Anyhow - if Rainman asks for something to drink after dinner/ before bed - of course I give it to him. No one should be denied something to drink - ever! However, he rarely asks and this routine has significantly cut down on the bed wetting. Of note - I have been putting off a hysterectomy for over two years - for a prolapsed cervix. It's gotten to the point where my ability to fully empty my bladder is a problem (never thought I'd share this tidbit of personal info with hundreds of strangers - sorry for TMI!). Anyhow, my ob/gyn surgeon suggested I stop drinking anything at 1:00pm to help me sleep without having to get up and pee so often. Really! 1:00pm! Needless to say - I cut back and apply Rainmans rule regarding last liquids at dinner but not 1:00pm. BTW - in the spirit of TMI - I alway try to find a silver lining. I'm currently being treated for the worst UTI of my life. The bright side? I'm not acting like a hallucinating lunatic - so I'm taking that as an indicator that old age hasn't really started to kick my butt yet. Yeah!
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One reason a woman over 80 might be taking care of her husband is the same reason I took care of my husband for three years until he died at 76, when I was 82; because I loved him, there was no one else to do it, and I couldn't afford professional help. I got relief only when his primary care doctor connected us to hospice services, and later, when his hospice social worker got him admitted to hospice services in a nursing home.
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Is your father physically able to get himself a glass of water if he wants one? Her behaviour is unpleasant anyway; but if he depends on her and can't help himself then this is straight-up abusive, no question.

In any case, both of your parents need support, whether to remain living in their own home or in a new environment. Find out what services and resources are on offer in your area and take it from there, because this is not going to improve on its own.
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Why is you over 80 mother taking care of your over 80 father ? Instead of taping your mother try Proffesional help .
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Armlou --
Do you know the name of the video you mentioned when you wrote, " AARP has a video online which helped us siblings divide up helping Mom the best way we could and keep her empowered?: I would pass the information on to my son and his wife, who -- along with her brother -- are trying to help her father make decisions about where he should live.
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I have been an RN for nearly 50 years. There are many good ways to manage incontinence. Condom catheter, adult diapers, bed liners. She may just need support with that. If he is will hydrated the other 12 hours a day, withholding water for 6 or 8 hours at night probably won't hurt. As a daughter of a 98 year old mother, it was a 5 year struggle to get her to decide to move to independent living and then transition to assisted living. Dad refused either when he was still alive and being the caregiver nearly did mom in. Her mind is good. Her doctor helped,, he suggested a one week stay to "rest" in a skilled facility after she had a fall. She could see she would actually feel better with someone to cook, shop and clean for her. She was lonely at home also. My brother lives nearby and she was asking him to do a lot for her also. He and my sister-in-law found an independent living setting Mom could afford. AARP has a video online which helped us siblings divide up helping Mom the best way we could and keep her empowered.
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So sad. Truly hope he can be placed somewhere safe and loving. There is a pull up brief for overnight by Tranquility that holds a lot of fluid that might help for now.
There is an on line company called Cheap Chux and they can send samples also. Good luck, so sorry. He needs his water.
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I'm sorry I didn't frame my comment correctly. I agree that water should not be restricted as early as 4 p.m. I read that if there is a reason water intake needs to be restricted for an adult, child or dog, the last water should be given at 7 p.m. That doesn't mean that the writer for whatever publication I read it in was correct.
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This entire situation is unacceptable. Withholding water puts your stepfather at risk of dehydration. Adult "diapers" are not what they used to be, many resembling a pair of pull up underwear. Do your parents share a bed? Maybe your mom is afraid she'll get peed on. It's hard when their lives reach the point where big changes have to be made but it sounds like they're there. Good luck with introducing the necessary changes into their lives and don't become a victim of your mother's abuse while you're doing it. Your step father's doctor should be able to connect you with resources that can help.
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Arianne - seriously???? No water for dogs or people after 7pm? Okay for dogs (if they're not old or sick because you don't want them to go out at night....but humans too? I've never even thought of restricting my mom's access to water after 7 pm. I need water after 7pm, 9pm and sometimes during the night. My mom died of Alz. but she still needed water. If they have accidents, put on diapers, please don't restrict water unless there is a medical reason.....and right now I can't think of one! Lindaz
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Hmmmm...... I don't want to sound harsh, but why is your mother caring for your father if she needs a caregiver herself? People who need caregivers usually can't take care of themselves independently so why is she caring for another vulnerable adult? If her rages are that frequent/intense it may be a matter of time before she strikes him. Just a thought. Call your Area Agency on Aging and ask for a care manager or case manager to come out and assess the situation. If you don't intervene, those videos could be used against you. Good Luck, I know about controlling mothers.....((((hugs)))))
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I think IKORWPA has offered some solid advice and would suggest you go that route first. I won't take this snapshot of what you share about your situation and claim to understand everything but that feeling applies to your mother as well. But I will say that I think part of a team effort to providing better care is not promoted by secretly recording video.
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It's not as uncommon as we'd think that couples who both have AD don't do well living together. Your mother can't care for your dad properly (validation, compassion, etc.)

I think he'd do better in a good assisted living facility. She may, as well. They don't have to be together. Then maybe they'd enjoy meals together or other times to connect.

You're smart to be thinking of options, anyway. This doesn't sound like a good arrangement (water in the evening aside).
Take care,
Carol
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The usual advice for humans and dogs is no water after 7 p.m. Bur your mother probably won't comply with that, so take the advice of others about assisted living and other arrangements. Aside from annoying your father, your mother is putting your father at greater risk for a UTI.
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Your mom is at the age that yelling and anger only get's worse. Sounds as if she's mad at the world and taking it out on your dad. They both need help. I agree with JeanneH68...it needs to be reported to folks that can help. Time for assisted living if they can afford it, or if not it's time for a nursing home for one or the other? Of course, if neither is suffering from dementia and you do not have Power of Attorney, then there's nothing you can do except put it into the hands of Senior Services in your area, showing them the recording and asking them to step in (and will hopefully keep you anonymous. If you've siblings, you might let them know what's going on.

Hope all turns out as it should with the least amount of pain for all involved.
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Suggest to your Mom that you think the stress of caring for your stepfather could be overwhelming and that she might need some support. I would strongly suggest using adult pads or a diapers to help with issues. If you participate in Doctors appointments you could let the Doctor know and they can address it in an appointment. Another option is to bring in a Geriatric Care Manager.
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So he is using the adlut diapers? Yeah, she needs to not be doing that. If some outsider heard that hey might call APS. Have her watch some youtube video's of nursing home negelct and abuse and let her know you don't want that fore either of them.
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