This has only been month 3, but my mom's tales are more irratic. She does not want to admit that she owes money on her house, that she has not paid her bills and will not take care of her finances. I do not have POA ( she will not agree to it) and guardianship proceedings will cost 3,000.00. ( I do not have that kind of money and neither does my mom). How do I help her?
When she gets on the phone, she spins her tales of fancy and make-believe and when she is pressed to face the truth, she becomes angry and hangs up the phone or turns mean on us and calls us dumb and stupid and then begins to talk ugly to me and my husband and my kids.
Thankfully, I have my brother who takes his turn taking care of her too. We have both agreed that we can not emotionally do more than a month at a time; it is too taxing. Plus, I will soon not have a job and will have to move to a smaller place where there will be no room for her - if both my husband and I can not find work.
As her dementia progresses, it has become increasingly hard to deal with her mood swings. I know from reading postings on this site, that there are people worse off than I am, but it won't be too much longer before my mom is there too.
How can I prepare for the future, when I can not help her now? This has been extremely stressful on my husband and my children. Even though they are older, my autistic child has an emotional meltdown every day being in the same house as she is. My son who is 19 stays home too to keep the peace and keep an eye out for his grandmother. Last night we all had an emotional group therapy session after she finally went to bed and just let it all out. Thank goodness, my brother takes over next weekend.
This site has been extremely helpful and I am grateful for all the advice I've been given. Any advice you can continue to give me, I would be grateful. It just breaks my heart to see my mom deteriorate like this and this is how my kids will remember their grandmother, not as the sweet, kind lady who loved them and shared her ilfe with them.
Both behaviors are a fact of life, and something we all learn to accept. It is not a reflection on you. You are a separate entity:) Just smile and relax. Say "Oh Well." She can't help it, You can't reason with her-- and you can't spank her!!!
No, of course it is not a reflection of the daughter, it's not a reflection of any of us, but we can't be dishonest about how those fits and outbursts are received by others.
Perhaps we should be more understanding, but we are talking about a society at large that has been putting into institutions all kinds of people that we as families are simply unable to care for, for a long time. There's nothing wrong with this. We know the stories here, it's healthier for all concerned. It only means that there are things we are not used to.
Has your mom seen her doctor? Is she on any new medications? Do you feel any adjustments need to be made? Or perhaps she isn't on any and would benefit?
N. meds caused her to be exactly like the above until we straightened them out. I could tell you some real whoppers that she told me!
Does your mom have a social worker? Can the three of you sit down with her and discuss options for her future?
My mother goes to her doctor by herself and refuses to allow me to go with her. She never tells the doctors the truth about her behavior. So, her doctor gives her no information about dementia and tells my mother he can't find anything "physically" wrong with her.
I have often been embarrassed by my mother in public and I am consistently embarrassed emotionally and attacked by my mother in front of my brother and sister.
My siblings do almost nothing for my mother, so they prefer to believe nothing is wrong with her. I now live with my mother full time and am her only caregiver.
Because my mom is a master at acting, she continually pulls off almost flawless
performances in public, so her attacks on me are often considered acceptable and what I deserve. Part of her illness manifests itself into pathological lying, as well. I am the target of most of her lies so that the picture she paints of me is convincing to others. Luckily, I've managed to talk my mother into moving into a retirement home in a few months (hopefully). So, in the meantime, I stay in contact with my friends and I try to practice relaxing techniques.
Good luck to you applesed1!
I know too well about the stories that can put you in very hot water, it has been my experience that a lot of my mother's stories were for attention, negative attention is better than none.
As for your problems not being a large as others. Thank You for saying that. I have started to post things but feel shame because what I am going through is nothing compared to some. I need to find a site that will support the day to day problems. Our problems are not as great but we still need support and this is still new for us. I am on my 4th family member and every time it has been different. My grandmother C would wait for a public audience (she never did it when we were alone) and in a loud voice tell me how fat I was. The 1st time I was shocked and hurt. The next time I was more embarrassed for the strangers who witnessed it. The tension in the air was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. I smiled and said "I love you too Grammy". It only happened a few times because each time I would say "I love you too". And I really worked at saying it with compassion instead of anger. She stopped. She was not getting that attention she was looking for.
Aside... if a urinary tract infection can cause dementia. I found the book "The 36-hour Day" helpful. Best to you and yours.
try to change subject, move on, sometimes ignore it.
Whay a lot of folks don't know is that someone might be overmedicated, or have drug interactions, also very important to make sure as crazy as it sounds; No urinary tract infections!
Look up 'polypharmacy'
He would scream at us (want to begin aruguments), scream about politics, race, even to the point of using the "N word" out in public.
My husband and I said to each other, "if he doesn't kill us, someone is going to be waiting for us out in the parking lot by the time he is finished." We live in a state where race relations are sometimes very tense and all that aside, as a decent human being, there are some things you just don't say.
Also, it is not fair to either of your sons -- the one with autism or the peacekeeper. Take it from someone who had 3 ulcers by the time her grandparents died -- it is not worth it.
Discuss with your brother assisted living of some sort.
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