How do you deal with the irrational behavior in public when your mom shows out and turns on you in front of everyone?

The general public understands elderly individuals with dementia and outbursts, just as they understand little brats in the market having tantrums! Lol.
Both behaviors are a fact of life, and something we all learn to accept. It is not a reflection on you. You are a separate entity:) Just smile and relax. Say "Oh Well." She can't help it, You can't reason with her-- and you can't spank her!!!

I'm going to have to disagree, the general public does not understand, and those outbursts frighten some, especially children. People are not used to seeing that around here at all, only in hospital settings or nursing homes, assisted living homes, etc.

No, of course it is not a reflection of the daughter, it's not a reflection of any of us, but we can't be dishonest about how those fits and outbursts are received by others.

Perhaps we should be more understanding, but we are talking about a society at large that has been putting into institutions all kinds of people that we as families are simply unable to care for, for a long time. There's nothing wrong with this. We know the stories here, it's healthier for all concerned. It only means that there are things we are not used to.

Has your mom seen her doctor? Is she on any new medications? Do you feel any adjustments need to be made? Or perhaps she isn't on any and would benefit?

N. meds caused her to be exactly like the above until we straightened them out. I could tell you some real whoppers that she told me!

Does your mom have a social worker? Can the three of you sit down with her and discuss options for her future?

I understand how powerless you feel. First things first, the practicalities, It is not clear from your writing if your mother still has a home or is in default. What is happening to her home while she alternates living between you and your brother and how are her bills being paid? Is moving you all to her home a possible course of action? Has she been diagnosed with dementia? You can't get a POA if she is deemed medically incompetent, and you can't get a guardianship until she is deemed incapacitated. These things need to be sorted in order to figure out how to further proceed. Get her to a professional Geriatrician for tests, diagnosis and guidance, consider a contact to your elder abuse agency for advise and they will have you on record should any complaints be lodged against you.

I know too well about the stories that can put you in very hot water, it has been my experience that a lot of my mother's stories were for attention, negative attention is better than none.

I agree with you, PamelaSue, that most do not understand dementia at all. My mother will not even admit that she has dementia and my brother and sister support my mother's fantasy world. My siblings know noting about dementia, either.
My mother goes to her doctor by herself and refuses to allow me to go with her. She never tells the doctors the truth about her behavior. So, her doctor gives her no information about dementia and tells my mother he can't find anything "physically" wrong with her.
I have often been embarrassed by my mother in public and I am consistently embarrassed emotionally and attacked by my mother in front of my brother and sister.
My siblings do almost nothing for my mother, so they prefer to believe nothing is wrong with her. I now live with my mother full time and am her only caregiver.
Because my mom is a master at acting, she continually pulls off almost flawless
performances in public, so her attacks on me are often considered acceptable and what I deserve. Part of her illness manifests itself into pathological lying, as well. I am the target of most of her lies so that the picture she paints of me is convincing to others. Luckily, I've managed to talk my mother into moving into a retirement home in a few months (hopefully). So, in the meantime, I stay in contact with my friends and I try to practice relaxing techniques.

Good luck to you applesed1!

When my fathers dementia started, I wasn't really prepared or informed about it. The medical professionals never informed me of it. He would throw tantrums and bat his hands at me. He would yell no no no while batting his hands at me in public for no specific reason. I would step back and look at him like are you insane? Eventually I just humored him like a small child. On more than one occasion in a busy store or waiting room at the Doctors office he portrayed this type of behavior and rationalizing or reasoning with him was impossible. I would basicly roll my eyes and shake my head. I showed no emotional response to his tantrums. I would remain calm on the outside when inside I was panicky, embarrased, and stressed. I found being calm and passive didn't feed his tantrums and they would be shorter. I would have to tell him to be nice, stop that and apologized to others near by for his outbursts. He isn't aware of his behavior or his actions. He was too much for me to take care of so I contacted the Department of Aging and he has a social worker that checks on him regularly. One of my sisters also helps me now also. Though I still take care of most of his medical care, errands, preparing meals, and house cleaning. I don't have to go by his house every day. I also joined a support group that I go to weekly and got a prescription of Zoloft to help me cope with the stress of caring for my father. Ask your Mom's Doctor for medication to help with the Dementia. Once your mom is on the dementia medication she may be rational enough to discuss her finances but otherwise don't even try because she will not understand. Getting a social worker will help also. You can get a social worker through the county where you reside and thier are private social workers but they cost. I too am financially strapped and slightly physically disabled. I completely understand your situation and sympathize with you. It's good that you have the love and support of your family.

You have an awful lot going on. I agree that you need to have your mother assessed by a medical professional. I agree you should look towards getting help locally. There are senior organizations that can help. In my area it is called Senior's Plus. They have financial advisors as well as support groups. As for POA... you can get DPOA (durable power of attorney) for when she is incapable but if she is already, it is too late and you would seek guardianship. I would talk with your local seniors support group... they will know your local laws. Plus as someone pointed out... can you move her back to her house and have someone stay with her there. If she has dementia moving her around will only inflame her feeling insecure, they generally do best in a constant environment.

As for your problems not being a large as others. Thank You for saying that. I have started to post things but feel shame because what I am going through is nothing compared to some. I need to find a site that will support the day to day problems. Our problems are not as great but we still need support and this is still new for us. I am on my 4th family member and every time it has been different. My grandmother C would wait for a public audience (she never did it when we were alone) and in a loud voice tell me how fat I was. The 1st time I was shocked and hurt. The next time I was more embarrassed for the strangers who witnessed it. The tension in the air was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. I smiled and said "I love you too Grammy". It only happened a few times because each time I would say "I love you too". And I really worked at saying it with compassion instead of anger. She stopped. She was not getting that attention she was looking for.

Aside... if a urinary tract infection can cause dementia. I found the book "The 36-hour Day" helpful. Best to you and yours.

Try not to get upset, people w/ AD feed off us. Sometimes this very hard to do. I have learned to work hard to "prevention" Learn the things that set her off. They to avoid those things. ** If she still gets upset and rude ** remember she probably can't help it ** she may be hurting, hungry, need to go to the bathroom or sioled herself.she may be stressed about being out in public. My dad has AD, he gets very nervous going out in public. He wants to go places, but only familiar places. And w/ AD every 5 minutes that can change. ** this is a tough battle, be easy on yourself. JUST take deep breathes ! ! Hugs to you ! !

I know the feeling. My mom also spins amazingly believable tales in front of people who know no better! It paints me in a horrible light. Sadly my DAD is one that believes much of her tales... loyalty?? I am guessing that is it. He just can't bare the thought of saying anything against her. Thanks dad. So when she says how mean we are to her, etc he just "goes along with it!" It hurts my feelings as I can see he isn't just going along but believes her much of the time as he gets mad at us! :( It hurts. I have given up 2 years of my life living here with my parents. No matter how much I do or how hard I try it just isn't enough and isn't appreciated like it should be....

Hang in there. I am glad you and your brother have worked out a working strategy to share the workload! (I have 4 siblings that do NOTHING, barely visit.) Try to find the humor in situations. Laughter makes it easier to bear! Keep sharing too. The support here makes a huge difference.

Can your brother or other relatives help you to raise the $3,000 needed to get guardianship? Don't be afraid to ask for this financial help, which, in any case, if for your mother, not for you.

My mother is a great confabulator. She often rewrites history. The new version of something becomes the truth and she forgets what really happens. I don't bother to correct her if it doesn't do harm. If I do try to correct her, she will just tell me I'm wrong and get mad at me, so nothing would be accomplished that way.

The biggest concern is her finances. A way that you might weasel your way into helping her with them is to see if she will let you write the checks, then let her sign them. If she is semi-trusting, maybe she will let you set up automatic payments from her credit card or checking account. I like the credit card best, because it doesn't have to be recorded in the checking account register each time. As long as the balance is paid each month, it is a good way to make sure things are covered.

I have to admit that the last thing I would want would be guardianship of my mother. You will probably find that as the dementia progresses your mother may become easier to work with when it comes to finances. When an elder is full of fight, they will often accept help if they feel they still have control, e.g. writing checks and letting her sign them. It also helps her gain a little trust that she will be cared for. Perhaps a little down the line she will choose a DPOA.

People with dementia tend to remain competent for a fairly long time. For most, it is not an overnight thing. Sometimes it seems they reach a certain level of dementia, then stay there -- perhaps it is the type of dementia that causes this. As circumstances change, you'll probably be able to figure out what is the best thing to do. You may find that she becomes easier to work with. I hope so.

Does your mother have her will and final directives in place yet? Sometimes people are willing to choose financial and healthcare POAs when they are doing their wills. Maybe it is because it seems far in the future, or because they are a bit intimidated when talking to a lawyer, so not so full of fight. Or maybe it is because they know that the decisions actually do have to be made.

It is really quite pointless to 'argue' with the dementia.
try to change subject, move on, sometimes ignore it.
Whay a lot of folks don't know is that someone might be overmedicated, or have drug interactions, also very important to make sure as crazy as it sounds; No urinary tract infections!
Look up 'polypharmacy'

I have been and I still am on the receiving end of this kind of behavior from my abusive mother-in-law. DO NOT TAKE ANYMORE ANYWAY WHATSOEVER!!!!!
Cranky, selfish old people were once cranky, selfish YOUNG people. They have become more of their true selves. They will NOT get better. Doctors, nurses, social workers will NOT help you. Meds will offer hope but NOT relief. I have been through it all. Work with getting her into Title 19. Find out what it takes. Let her spin out her money, her hopes, her fears on some other VICTIM!!!!!!!!! I have been through all those routes and NOTHING has worked. It has only postponed this decision that I come to on the ragged edge of nowhere. Oh, keep track (photographs) of the bruises she will inflict on you so you have a public record when you finally have to report her to her own doctor or they won't believe you. Date them. Keep a journal of the incidents of the time and date. See a therapist who has YOUR safety in mind for yourself, not her. DO NOT LET THIS SUCK YOU INTO THE PIT OF HELL where I am now!!!!!

I don't know what state you live in, but in AZ all a guardianship costs is Court costs. You do not need an attorney. I paid about $235 yrs. ago, and I am sure it has gone up. With regard to your mother's acting out in public, who does that really hurt? She is the one causing her behaviors. Just stand there and smile while rolling your eyes. For those of you who do not think the "public" understands about dementia, time to educate them! There are going to be millions of us with it by 2035. As far as her moodswings go, it may not be the dementia, it could be bipolar disorder which is easily treated. In any event, have a session with her doctor and discuss her behaviors. At this point in time I am more concerned with your autistic son whose mental health should be your priority. Stop worrying about things you cannot control. Your mother will get worse, but your immediate thoughts need to be with your husband and son and of course yourself. Do not allow a situation to ruin your life. You do not owe anyone an explanation, need to account for why you are taking the steps you are taking, and are mostly responsible for your happiness as well as your family. Take care of them FIRST.

One way we stopped the irritional behavior in public was to begin limiting public outings as much as possible with my father-in-law. He is extremly hard of hearing, refuses to get a hearing aid and screams every sentence. He has never been formally diagnosed with demential or alzheimers.
He would scream at us (want to begin aruguments), scream about politics, race, even to the point of using the "N word" out in public.
My husband and I said to each other, "if he doesn't kill us, someone is going to be waiting for us out in the parking lot by the time he is finished." We live in a state where race relations are sometimes very tense and all that aside, as a decent human being, there are some things you just don't say.
Also, it is not fair to either of your sons -- the one with autism or the peacekeeper. Take it from someone who had 3 ulcers by the time her grandparents died -- it is not worth it.
Discuss with your brother assisted living of some sort.

Dearest Appleseed,
Re: your Autistic son…
I work w/special needs adults [which includes Autism, Down Syndrome, PDD, etc…]. There are sooooooo many resources for your son. You BOTH might benefit greatly if he was to participate in a vocational/day habilitation program. This could alleviate some of the tremendous stress affiliated w/that situation alone—as well as benefit your son greatly! Your financial situation might actually work for you in this specific situation!
Remain connected to the amazingly supportive & emotionally/spiritually souls on this site!
Much Peace,
Enriched

applesed1 I was in similar shoes at one time with my Mom. Luckily I am the kind of person who gets stronger with a challenge, you could say I found the challenge quite interesting. I wanted to run to the hills at the same time though. That's me, most people compliment me on my patients and ability to not sweat in a crisis. You give me a simple task I get frustrated, but if you give me a crisis I can deal with it!! I'm borderline coocoo...LOL
What you are going through with her is not uncommon in the first stage of the "Mom needs help CRISIS" and you want to help but it seems like a hopeless cause. You are not alone and you came to the perfect place for answers. This is why most of us are here to guide you through the horror of it all.
I am telling you this because at this time you are overwhelmed it's like a three ring circus and the show must go on. You are the ring leader and you need to organize all the acts and you feel like you were left in the cage with the lions and the trainer hasn't feed them yet, and your thinking If I was their meal it might be easier. That would be too easy though, right?
So you need to look at it as a one step at a time issue. If you don't you''ll be lunch to those lion's.
Start with the # one thing... figure out a way to get your Mom diagnosed for her mental issues. I know you thinking OH sure easier said than done!!! well your not going to get anywhere the normal way so you need to play her game right now. Think about it, Is there a person in your Mom's life that she trusts right now? (sounds like your 19 year old son fits the position), this is usually the person she tells all the horror story's to, about you and expects them to believe her every word. A neighbor, a friend, a cousin someone that you can take aside without Mom knowing what your mission is, and explain the situation to that will help you to help your mom. This person needs to be understanding about your concerns and keeps your Mom calm without judgement. What your Mom is doing right now is trying to protect her self because she knows something is wrong but refuses to admit there's a problem because her independence is in jeopardy. So informing her of what she needs is only going to make her aggressive and disagreeable. This same person may be able to get her to sign checks for bills even if they act like they have to make your Mom think she is right about everything. Talking to her is like "walking" through a mine field, one wrong word "step" could blow the whole family up. It might take some time to gain her trust in someone though it's like acting they are playing a part, she thinks everyone is controlling her so this person is the only person who lets her be herself unless of course she's endangering herself. It's like setting a mood... if you walked into a room where everyone is angry you'd want out of there... if you walk into a party every one is dancing happy laughing you'll want to stay.
So once you've figured this out and get her to conform and trust you can get her to Dr and then once she is stable with the medication ( meds and atmosphere are important as well) have a POA written and get that same person to have her sign it.
The other thing I should mention is you know your Mom you know what makes her happy and what makes her mad, her emotions are distorted but believe me they run deep inside a person.
I used to act like I needed her and not that she needed me. I'd say things like I don't want to go to the Doctor but I don't feel well. She'd say it's not that bad I'll go with you if you want and hold your hand. She loved to be my Mom but hates the role reversal thing so I played her game. I could fool her if I was doing that but I had to keep reminding myself she's not stupid just confused. She's is out smarting the staff at the NH now she tricks them all the time.
Oh another thing about the bills I found that with "my Mom". anyway, I'd say here is a bill open it up. I'd let her read it she'd get confused or stressed then I'd say how about I write the check you can sign them and do the figures in front of her then I'd say.... Oh what a relief, now that we're done with that stuff let's get ice cream!!! Then all she'd think about was ice cream not the fact that I was doing her bills.
Bottom line is you need to do what's best for her and she doesn't have to know you are taking charge, you can let her think she's in control but ....
Ignorance is bliss
Lack of knowledge results in happiness.
You are more comfortable if you don't know something.
I call this the "need to know basis" !!!!

If I am ever DXd with this crap, I will choose my own ending and go while I still have my mind. No way will I ever put my kids through this.

Applesed1,
You sure have your hands full! Lots of good advice above!

We also have a son, who has Asperger's [high functioning ASD]. He lasted under our roof 2 years, with Mom intermittently raging around here, among other things.
Bless him, he was able to rescue me from the pits a few times, after she'd shredded me emotionally, simply by being his logical ASD self, and stating a few grounding sentences.
But once he got his SSDI [we'd avoided him getting labeled for 28 years, to optimize his abilities], he was able to share rent elsewhere--and now avoids even coming here for dinner, ever since---the stress Mom loaded on us and here, was devastating to him.

IMHO, either your ASD child, or your elder with dementias, needs to find a more suitable space to live, to protect your ASD child.

The kind of stresses someone in the throws of dementias can generate, can trigger those w/ ASD to regress quite drastically, for indeterminant lengths of time. Our son regressed badly, even though he'd learned to cope with life rather well for most of his life, until Mom's behaviors simply pushed his personal triggers too hard.

We had few helps for our ASD adult child.
ASD helps are largely for minor children.
If your child with ASD is an adult, or even an older child, helps can be few and far between.
If we'd been able to get systems rolling for Mom though, there were far more helps for her issues.

With the stresses of everything, my spouse also started losing it.
It took his having emergency surgery and his own melt-downs, to get him hooked up with needed helps.
It took ALL those crises, before other family hauled Mom out of here [believing Mom's lies and ravings].
We are all still feeling fragile, here.

Only you can choose what works best for your family.
Learn what resources are nearby to help your ASD child, and what's there to help your Mom.... whichever one has most resources gets them, and that can help give you a much needed repreave!

When my mother would start talking to complete strangers to vent about her various delusions, I would just mouth "sorry" and make the circle-to-the-temple sign with my forefinger. They would usually smile and nod, and then I would just try to distract mom and get her going in the opposite direction.

@ pamela,
im going to be a terror when i get mentally decrepit. i plan to go to the zoo and fling crap at the apes. im going to hump dogs' legs, light farts in public, just generally terrorize.. for all my mischief ill get thorazine.. suckers !!

Remember, first and foremost, this is not your mother talking--it is the disease. The disease is robbing your and your family of mother's presense. So please try to understand the "why" for her change in personality and the public outbursts. I don't believe things will get better and that your family will have to really deal with the trauma of this dreaded disease. Luckily you and your brother can partner to work together and relieve each other. But the problems will continue until you both decide to take some kind of action for the POA and working within the long term care system to get some kind of assistance. There are ways to have mom at a day care or a senior campion to assist with her care during the day. Day care is a great way to have an alternative way of caring for her and at the same time provide for her a good setting to deal with some of her personality changes that the dementia brings on. I too do agree with taking her to her physician and making sure all the meds are working and appropriate. Continue to dialogue with others and continue to work for the care of mom while at the same time provide some kind of survival techniques for you and your brother. Don't look for an overnight solution as this will take many attempts within the system to get help for all.

@capnhardass, i've already been terrorizing my children by going to a nude beach, or skinny dipping whenever possible, and talking about it on facebook, talking dirty in inappropriate places, talking about the time i modeled nude when i was pregnant with my first child on facebook, refusing to wear a bra under white shirts or anything tight, AND i still wear a bikini. i put a pic of that on facebook too. *wicked grin*

so you can imagine what a monster i'd be as a senile old biddy.

PamelaSue ... I like your attitude .... I'm not sure if I was your child I would. In a round about way your teaching them "be yourself" and if others don't like it they don't have to, but how they feel is not going to stop you from liking or being yourself.

Pamela and capnhardass, well that ought to fix your kids!!! Give them a preview of upcoming events. Y'all are hilarious, I can't quit laughing and thanks for bringing some comedy to the troops!

I am going to just address the public behavior for now:

Try to think of yourself as beyond embarassment. At first you are so embarassed then you become thick skinned. I am sure somethings will still embarass you though.

WOW you are dealing with a lot -- my prayers go out to you. Alzheimers is an epidemic. It is getting so the whole world is a support group. Almost everyone has a relative or friend who has or has had it.

Ok, me too. I appreciate the ones who say "that's not her" and "overlook" and "be patient" but let me tell you, she can push my buttons. I will read others advise, but it doesn't make it any easier when she stands in the bank and claims someone is stealing money out of her bank account.
I've searched for help, but really, we're on our own. I do have POA, and am able to pay her bills, but it sounds like it could cause me trouble down the road. I'm my mother's only biological child, and everyone else has turned their heads. Even my adult children have backed away once they realize she's gone. I didn't ask for this, she showed up on my "doorstep". I have had people, even on here, that try to make me feel guilty because "she did raise me". Who will raise me when I get like her? I already see what the rest of the family is going to do.

Wuvsicecream and Alwaysmyduty, my children are so grateful that I survived the last PTSD relapse with all it's cutting and one attempt at suicide that I only survived because of the Search And Rescue Rangers, that they are able to find laughter in the ridiculous things I do. I do reign it in while at church, and in front of young Boy Scouts. :)

I think they have found a way to get back at me though, when I am having Myoclonic Jerks and Twitches, they say, "Look, Ma's Dancing!", and they all get up and dance. In public I just want to die! *runs, hides* Oh yeah, turn about is fair play! LMAO!

Be compassionate. It IS the disease, not your Mom. She may appear to be perfectly rational, but she really cannot help it. Forgive her and get through the episode as best you can.

There were times when I didn't understand the scope of the disease and corresponding behavior. I hated taking my Mom anywhere because of unexpected belittling or yelling at me in public. Over time, I researched and found that it wasn't my Mom doing the yelling and ugliness. It was her disease in control. But, the good times completely overrules the difficult times! Count every good moment as a gift... because that's what it is. A blessed gift.

bpryor, most of us here are dealing with horrible mothers. mother's that have been horrible since the day we were born, the kind that make Joan Crawford look like the Kool-Aid mom. so we are not likely to be so compassionate and understanding. because it's NOT the disease, IT'S THE MOTHER. trust me, if we had one of those sweet, kind, loving, and understanding mothers when we were younger, we would be so compassionate it would look like a Hallmark commercial and you would cry.