This has only been month 3, but my mom's tales are more irratic. She does not want to admit that she owes money on her house, that she has not paid her bills and will not take care of her finances. I do not have POA ( she will not agree to it) and guardianship proceedings will cost 3,000.00. ( I do not have that kind of money and neither does my mom). How do I help her?
When she gets on the phone, she spins her tales of fancy and make-believe and when she is pressed to face the truth, she becomes angry and hangs up the phone or turns mean on us and calls us dumb and stupid and then begins to talk ugly to me and my husband and my kids.
Thankfully, I have my brother who takes his turn taking care of her too. We have both agreed that we can not emotionally do more than a month at a time; it is too taxing. Plus, I will soon not have a job and will have to move to a smaller place where there will be no room for her - if both my husband and I can not find work.
As her dementia progresses, it has become increasingly hard to deal with her mood swings. I know from reading postings on this site, that there are people worse off than I am, but it won't be too much longer before my mom is there too.
How can I prepare for the future, when I can not help her now? This has been extremely stressful on my husband and my children. Even though they are older, my autistic child has an emotional meltdown every day being in the same house as she is. My son who is 19 stays home too to keep the peace and keep an eye out for his grandmother. Last night we all had an emotional group therapy session after she finally went to bed and just let it all out. Thank goodness, my brother takes over next weekend.
This site has been extremely helpful and I am grateful for all the advice I've been given. Any advice you can continue to give me, I would be grateful. It just breaks my heart to see my mom deteriorate like this and this is how my kids will remember their grandmother, not as the sweet, kind lady who loved them and shared her ilfe with them.
I can only offer advice from my own experiences. My Mother was a strong, smart, loving Mom to me growing up. Its what made the temperament changes so hard to bear. The mean verbal garbage and physical surprises were not committed by the Mom that raised me.
I hope aplesed1 is in the same boat.
After losing a kidney to cancer I need to see my doctor every 6 months and I dread going this time because I've done none of the things for myself that the doctor wanted done. I know I can tell him that I spent 3 of the last 6 months tending to dad in hospital and rehab and at least every other day tending to him at home while mom and her dementia keep me in a race to keep her from spending every cent they have which means I'll have to cover their financial needs until the next month, but I hate excuses. Phew, this is quite a ride.
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Anyway, the reason I decided to post is that I recently came upon a difficult situation with Mom that has been recurring and I ran out of ideas on how to redirect her. In desperation, I called the Alzheimer Association Hot Line that I've known about for years. It took a lot for me to make that call but I'm so glad I did.
I was on hold for a minute or so after I gave the intake person some information. Then rather than stay on hold I said it was okay for someone to call me back. I'm so glad I did! I spoke with a counselor named Rachel who was insightful, supportive and compassionate and had good ideas.
Please, if you need some good advice, moral support or just need someone to talk to, call the AA Hotline. There are counselors available 24/7 and it's free. Your relatives and friends are not always available.
Appleseed1, you are not alone in this and your situation ... as well as everyone else's ... is hard! And hang on to you boots because it can get harder and harder. BUT...you need to trust yourself. You will find solutions. When you think you can't - vent here or anywhere else you feel comfortable. Tell your family what you need - they may not want to hear you but you can't keep quiet. Take care of yourself because you are no good to anyone if you don't.
I go to the Alzheimer's Reading Room online sometimes and I subscribe to their email newsletter. Even though many of you have more difficult situations, I realize our's is getting harder and I know in my heart that I don't want regrets. So when Mom is at her very worst, I remind myself that I am talking to a disease, not my mother.
When Mom first moved in, I corrected things she said because I thought it was important that she have correct information. NOT SO!!!
I've printed a little quotation I read in an AA email: "Do you want to be right or do you want Peace?" I spend a fair amount of time in my kitchen so it's on my frig. I don't have to look at it. I know it's there and knowing that helps me refocus many times a day!
As sstayton said, with AA and Dementia, every 5 minutes can change. Let me recommend a paperback book I have to all of you. It's entitled "Creating Moments of Joy" by Jolene Brackey. I purchased it on Amazon. The chapters are typically short so I can sneak to my bathroom and read a little to try to break the tension I may be feeling. I've used a highlighter all through the book.
Big Hugs to all of you!! I hope you find Moments of Joy this weekend.
Carolyn aka BEE
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So I'll repeat what I said earlier. Do what you can to make it easier for yourself. That is not selfish, it will make it better for you to be available to help your parents in other ways - not to mention easing your burden a little. Feel the hugs! BEE
"IS THE GUARDIAN LIABLE FOR THE WARDS DEBTS?
No. Unlike the parent-minor child relationship, the Guardian does not have to pay the ward’s debts from the Guardian’s pocket.
WHAT ARE THE COSTS AND ATTORNEY FEES INVOLVED?
The Court filing fee is $400 for a Guardianship of the Person and Property ($235 if Guardianship of the Person only), and an additional $231 for the incapacity portion of the case. The attorney fee varies based on the amount of work required and whether there is an emergency situation and may be many months after the Guardianship is established. The Judge will appoint two doctors and a lay person; that fee is usually $750. Also, the Court will appoint an attorney for the person that needs assistance. That fee is usually around $400. If the ward has assets, that fee is paid from those assets, if not, the County pays that fee.
CAN THE GUARDIAN BE REIMBURSED FOR COSTS?
Absolutely. The Guardian is also eligible for a fee for going to Court and meeting with the attorney and handling the affairs of the ward. The Court could award fees of approximately $25 per hour or more in certain cases. Of course, if the ward has no money, there will be no funds to pay such fees. Some Guardians ask for a fee, some don’t. A fee is taxable income. Reimbursement of costs is not taxable."
Guardianship is still a huge reponsibility and requires a lot more court invovlement and paperwork than POA, including annual reporting, so it is a shame that it is probably beyond the point to legitimately do that for Mom instead. Just a representative payee account might be enough to help you financially, and that is not as hard to do (invovles limited documents and a trip to the local Social Security office) and more info on that is at www.ssa.gov/payee/faqrep.htm. It is for sure beyond overwhelming to try to get a handle on all of it. I did not know *any* of this before I went through it with my mom and dad. It might be that you can get a free or inexpensive initial consultation from an eldercare attorney on what may be best that could help get you all going in the right direction.