Mom recently moved in Senior Living (Sept 2019) and is completely independent other than I take care of groceries, meds, doctors appointments and finances. We discussed the Senior living for three years, her name came up and my husband moved her. Now she is miserable, she was miserable before but she doesn't remember that. She blames me for everything in her life and it is becoming unbearable. She is now five minutes from us before she was 25 minutes away. She doesn't understand that I do everything and she needs to be closer. She won't do anything to help herself. She is on antidepressants, mild diagnosed dementia. We argue when she starts in on me, my Father passed ten years ago and I have become the punching bag. She plays emotional games, it is like she is waiting for me NOT to read her mind properly so she can start crying. Loves to cry, always has. I recognize a lot of her behavior from the past. I have suggested someone come in a few days a week, therapy etc. She doesn't want any outside help. But keeps track of me! I see her just about everyday and talk on the phone twice a day. Its never enough!! Anyone experience this sort of thing? If so how do you all cope mentally through it? Thank you in advance!
They say when we get older, we become more like children again. It's true. We lose the ability to regulate our emotions, to cope with massive change, and struggle to find "normal". This is complicated by drugs. Anti-depressants have some nasty side effects, and if she's not taking them correctly, can actually compound the situation and make her more emotionally unstable.
She is still proud enough to realize that therapy has a stigma to it, so it's clear she doesn't want that. Respect that.
Set some limits up for yourself too. Realize that she is dependent like a child in some ways but still an adult in many others. She is in Senior Living, and so you need to allow yourself some time to break away, temporarily block her number so she can't call you. Let your family know that you are doing this for a period of time, and give yourself fa Time OUT to do some personal growth. Take a class, focus on your career, and your immediate family.
One day, she will be gone, and you will be independent of her. Use this time to start pulling yourself back, to test your waters to see what you can do. Then, when she's gone, you can look back without resentment but with a bit of gratitude for this gift of goodbye.
One thing I want to add, is that it's perfectly ok to screen her calls. Also to cut the calls off the MOMENT you start to feel like she's having a pity party or starting the blame game. You don't have to give her a reason just that you need to go. Even if she gets mad at first, she will forget about it tomorrow.
(That's why ultimatums don't work, because they don't have the memory to remember them)
I used visual images to make my smile and little giggles real. So whatever makes you smile is what you should be seeing in your minds eye when she turns on the hate.
I visualize your mom as a little troll with fluffy orange hair and daggers for teeth and nails, she has a big round belly and bum, with tiny little short legs and spindly long arms. She has smoke coming out of her ears and nose and flames when she opens her mouth. She has one little bitty eye and one very large green eye with giant bushy eyebrows. When she speaks she sounds like a bull frog. Just something that lives under a bridge😁
This works best because they are trying to make you miserable and when they can't it drives them mad.
Be prepared for the ugliness to escalate, any changes that they see causes them to up their game trying to get the same results, a very hurt, unhappy you and a self satisfied them. So be prepared and know what is coming. I also will predict what my mom is going to do, it entertains me and stops her hatefulness from hurting me. (As much as possible, I don't think it ever stops hurting that your own mom is set on hurting your heart at every opportunity. But you do get to the point that you understand it is not you and they are to be pitied, from a distance of course.)
Great big hug filled with strength and encouragement for you!
As dementia is progressive, this may be impacting more that it's realised. Really may be time for AL. No point arguing & reasoning if that is the case. Need Doctor's help again to assess, then move her. Just my next 2 cents.
What you've described sounds stressful and hard on your morale! Your mom sounds very manipulative, and her mild dementia will only get worse. I've experienced something similar and can tell you your mom won't change, but you can!
When I first visited this forum 3 years ago, I was overwhelmed with anxiety, guilt, and the feeling that nothing I ever did was good enough. Mom was a tyrant who manipulated with fear, obligation, and guilt. She groomed me from childhood to serve her emotional needs; in essence a role reversal. I was the parent but with no authority. So I didn't know any other way to be. As Mom's dementia got worse, so did her manipulation.
Through support from this forum, I learned to emotionally distance myself from my mother. I stepped back; way back, sharply curtailing contact (physical and telephone), making myself less available to her; taking care of her needs but very selective about which "wants" I chose to address. Understanding that no matter what I do, it will never be enough. Do a search here on the "gray rock" method of interacting with your mom; it takes some practice but once mastered is very helpful.
The "never enough" mode of manipulation is the carrot she dangles in front of you to get you to do what she wants. We keep thinking if we just keep trying to please them, they will love and approve of us. Nuh uh. Doesn't work that way. Your mom isn't going to use up that currency: it's the most effective thing she has to manipulate you.
Once you begin to implement these changes, she'll notice and won't like it. That's alright. Practice makes perfect. Remember, the sad reality that her brain is gradually unraveling. Arguing or reasoning with someone with a broken brain is useless. Just roll with it. It never gets easier, but you'll cope with it better!
Perhaps narcissistic... etc... personality...
Best Wishes
Thank you very much!
I realized how much her world had narrowed and that basically she had very little to do to occupy herself. She was used to doing housework, laundry, cooking, etc. So really all she had to do was sit and brood. She was limited by physical and mental declines and no longer able to sew, paint, draw, all her favorite activities.
After a bit I quit trying to solve her issues or try to offer solutions (I’m a fixer). I would just say "that’s terrible, a shame, how sad," whatever seemed to suit the issues. She would often forget it by my next visit. It didn’t really stop her, but I found that frequent, short visits were better for my blood pressure!
Sounds like your mother has made you the whipping boy, blaming you for what is wrong in her life. I suggest you might seek out counseling for yourself to find ways to stand up to your mom and stop her bullying you. It’s often hard for us children to reverse rolls and become the parent. And even harder for the parent to submit to a child's control. Do,some reading on this site about dementia, it can explain a lot about changes in behavior.
The hardest thing I ever did was tell my domineering father that I was not going to be his housekeeper and he would just have to suck it up and allow outside help in the house. He wasn’t happy but finally submitted.
I personally would limit myself to one phone call in the evening to chat how her day has been. If you have dropped in at her place that would replace the phone call. Keep your sanity and your emotional health intact. Been there and things are much better now that I’ve set those boundaries!
When my parents were all set to move into a seniors facility my dad up and decided he would cancel the agreement and buy another house. My siblings and I put our foot down and told him to go ahead and buy a house but mom was going into the seniors home. Big kerfuffle but in the end he went in and likes it there but won’t admit it much. They are both nearly 90 and mom really needs assisted living. She refuses to have anyone come in to help. They pay me to do their housework and make meals etc but I really have set clear boundaries. If she ends up falling in the shower, that will be on her. I’ve tried my best.
And my sister who lives 1200 kms away is the golden child who does no wrong 😂
Believe me, I went through it, they know what will make others jump for them. Tears, anger, stamping their feet, threatening, etc. After all, they have been doing it for years! Is this true of all.....no thankgoodness, but it does sound like it is what is happening and did in my life.
For each situation, just think....now how would a good caregiver handle this? Then do the same. I do think with your love and care you will have special times together. Take care of yourself first.
I was just reading that people with dementia make up stories to make sense of failures in memory. She may not be aware of all she is doing. It is also not your responsibility to "read her mind". The dutiful daughter has been relieved of that duty by the caregiver, lol! Especially with dementia, following down the rabbit hole just makes you both mad. I feel for you, good luck!
she suddenly becomes appreciate and nice. Which can last for our visit, or not.
I think it’s important to not take it personally and remind your self that her brain is aging. Often these comments come from a place of fear, so assuring her that she is in a safe place with many people looking out for her is a good thing.
I found this great company SIMPLEMEDS that sends a FedEX box every 30 days with all the medicines presorted in sealed individual packets labeled for am/noon/pm and what pills are in each packets. Wonderful! If she didn't take the medicine that was on her.
I hired a senior service company to come in twice a week for bathing, laundry and housekeeping. Told Mom she was their boss and to make sure they were doing what they were paid to do. If she refused service that day they would charge her anyway. UhOh that means they will call daughter and tell her that. Their office is located inside the senior facility the lives in! Wonderful.
Due to Covid-19 and not being able to come into the facility, every bill was paid online or used a debit card to purchase groceries (clothes soap,etc- no food) leaving them at the front door of the facility to be delivered to the residents room. I would send her a print out of the expenses from the account once a week. Never commented on anything purchased or paid.
Moved her to a wonderful Independent living facility July 2019. Independent living is just that from the senior living facilities point of view. They check on them once a day and will call you if there is an issue and keep you updated if there is something affecting the entire facility (like COVID-19). If the resident can't do certain things on their own, the facility will give you a list of services with additional costs to help the senior out.
Setting boundaries is a must. You must stick to them. Take control and don't back down. You need to have a life of your own. You need to take care of you first.
They will tell you "I am your Mother" and bully you. No you are not the Mother who raised me. You sit in the room all day and watch television and lecture me based on what the tv says, do not go to any of the activities, do not make new friends, find fault in everything anyone does for them, complains about the food the facility serves (I have eaten there and they have a wonderful chef). It is everybody else's fault on their situation. They are not happy people and they want everyone else to be miserable and agree with them. Wrong! Prayer is very helpful - ask God to give you the wisdom and strength. You will know the trigger points when you feel your blood pressure rising. Change the subject, make an excuse to get off the phone or tell them you will have to check your schedule and get back to them. If they get fussy with you, tell them nicely-calm voice-slowly- you do this because you love them and care about what is the best for them.