I am 29 and live in Oregon with my long-term boyfriend who is similar age. My divorced mother (age 61) lives 2000 miles away and has no friends/extra family. She has been unemployed for over 2 years and they cut her off unemployment 3 months ago. She looks for jobs every day--has interviews every week but not getting hired. I have been struggling with trying to financially help her out, also while trying to manage my own finances. I send her over $500 a month to bail her out of bills, disconnections, gas, food. She get food stamps but no disability, no unemployment, no income at all. She is always broke and is trying to sell her house to come live with us (although we don't want her to--we have a strained relationship). My relationship has been suffering as has been my stress level and my health. She has no TV/internet, her gas was shut off--so no hot water or stove, and no money to live off of. Her fridge broke 2 weeks ago so I bought her a used one. I pay her phone bill, insurance, and send her extra for gas. I recently told her I couldn't help her out this week because I had a short paycheck and she called me a spoiled little princess. I live very modestly and make a nurses salary. My boyfriend is still in college so he is living off of student loans and he tries to help as well. We frequently argue because she gets mad when I cannot help out more--I have offered to move her in with us but I also know that's not the best idea either. I just don't know what to do anymore! Im overwhelmed with stress, guilt, and anxiety. She is very good at emotionally manipulating both of us!!! We live in a pretty crappy place and we would like to move and start a family soon but we feel like we will never be able to bring another life into this world with all the stuff that's going on with her! I could try to cut her off but then she may end up homeless--not to mention her continued guilt trips...I am an only child with no other family that is willing or able to help. Advice anyone?????
You make a very big assumption that Mom "raised you lovingly." We can hope that Mom did the best she could, but given the description of her manipulation now, and the fact she has alienated everyone else, I don't think we can automatically assume "loving" was her main operating mode.
Nor can we assume that she will allow her daughter to "help her in making useful acquaintances." People who alienate everyone who knows them do not automatically make friends by being shown new clubs.
This young woman's clock is ticking. She wants to start a family. This is the time in her life when she needs to focus on raising the next generation. For everything there is a season. By this time she should be independent and able to be interdependent with a spouse and responsible for dependents. She should not be expecting her parents to help her financially or in other ways. She isn't. She is where she should be in this season of her life. It is Mother who is out of sync.
Alpha3, like you I did caregiving for my husband with dementia. I was able to keep him home with me for ten years on this journey. There are very few things I wouldn't have done for him, very few sacrifices I wouldn't have made. He was my life partner; my soul mate. May mother now has dementia. My sisters and I advocate for her and visit her often in the nursing home. We love her and are grateful that she was a loving parent the years we were growing up. But the degree of sacrifice and intimate involvement in her care is simply different than my involvement in my husband's care, or what I would expect any of my sisters would do in caring for their spouse.
onlychild223's Mom needs professional help. onlychild223 is not a mental health professional, she lives 2000 miles away, and her relationship with her mother is not one of mutual respect.
Yup. A lot of us responders think onlychild223's first responsibility is to her self.
I do not believe everyone is mentally ill. too many people refuse to accept that mental illness is actually a disese that many people suffer from. Our society has always been and probably will continue to be "survival of the fittest" just as we see in the animal world. Only we allow the runt of the litter to live with our help when the mother does not stop his brothers and sisters making him feed last when there is little milk left. yes we do try and help those less fortunate and some charities do devote most of their donations to their cause but there are many others who are run by highly paid people who only give lip service to the cause. Very few people are the Mother Theresa of this world. Look at the finances of some of the well known for profit hospices and you will get the drift. they even ripoff other hospices by selling their computer systems and having nice seminars for yearly updates. It is definitely a dog eat dog world out there. This daughter needs to help her mother get and use the resorces she needs not continue to enable someone who can't or won't help herself for whatever reason.