Mom is broke and manipulative. Any advice?

All of these are good answers. However if you have been manipulated by your mother and she makes you think supporting family members who will not help themselves is being a 'family' you might want to find someone to talk to before you dive into having children or any permanent changes. You need to be sure you aren't in the same kind of relationship with the livein. If he's not supportive and he hasn't suggested you talk to an independent person - you need to reconsider that relationship too. I know this sounds harsh, but ending up with a guy who is like your mom, is much, much worse. People who love you don't try to control or drain you.

Several years ago, m-i-l asked for $. Husband was ready to give asap. I asked for her income and outgo which she refused. Found out later she was sending his older bro monthly $, and begging $ from his sister. So, immediately stop sending $ until you verify exactly what she is doing. Don't accept Mom's word for anything--trust but verify! M-i-l was retired but had more $ coming in from pension and soc sec than I was generating working fulltime.

Agree Jeannie, although I still think there is more to learn.

GoMelGo, at this point in my life, I do have all the answers. What troubles me now is trying to match them up to the right questions!

I agree about the enabling part. But not about perpetuating the idea that this whole world is a "dog eat dog". But then I also don't think I have all the answers either.

Gomelgo In talking about boundaries I think you are actually including tough love. you have the benefits of years of councilling which this mother may not be able to afford or be prepared to accept. Fact of life not critisism. the daughter may feel she has to help mom out of obligation rather than love and certainly should not sacrifice her own life. Obligation means putting Mom in touch with people who can help her not becoming the life blood of a manipulator. no one is suggesting putting mom on the garbage heap but by continuing to enable mom this daughter may find herself on the garbage heap her self as a single mom and no boy friend.
I do not believe everyone is mentally ill. too many people refuse to accept that mental illness is actually a disese that many people suffer from. Our society has always been and probably will continue to be "survival of the fittest" just as we see in the animal world. Only we allow the runt of the litter to live with our help when the mother does not stop his brothers and sisters making him feed last when there is little milk left. yes we do try and help those less fortunate and some charities do devote most of their donations to their cause but there are many others who are run by highly paid people who only give lip service to the cause. Very few people are the Mother Theresa of this world. Look at the finances of some of the well known for profit hospices and you will get the drift. they even ripoff other hospices by selling their computer systems and having nice seminars for yearly updates. It is definitely a dog eat dog world out there. This daughter needs to help her mother get and use the resorces she needs not continue to enable someone who can't or won't help herself for whatever reason.

I see a lot of people talking about "tough love". I don't think it's the best way to describe what is most likely needed by your mom and by you. What is needed are boundaries. I have a mom for whom I will have no choice but to become her mom now. She is early stages of Alzheimers, and we are working things out even though we have always had a "strained" relationship. I think what is needed is for your mom to be evaluated by health professionals. It's a shame that we have all been taught in this backward culture that everyone must break their back in order to survive. That IMO is not our true purpose. Our true purpose is to love, love what we do, love who we are, love the people around us. I know that may sound new agey to some. But it's very simply reality. But until we live in a culture that understands that, we have to do things we hate doings, jobs we may not even be very good at (who wants to be good at something they don't want to do?), and live in places we don't want to live to do it. It's not cool. But it's also not cool to make others feel like they owe you. Your mom is using you own guilt to get by. You're not really helping her by enabling this symbiosis. And you're obviously not helping yourself either. I think you're both likely to benefit from some counseling. Took me many years of counseling to understand I was not responsible for the feelings my mom had. I'm only responsible for my own behavior. None of us can ever control how others perceive. Maybe there is a social services agency like Self Help that you can connect your mom with? They can help her get evaluated, not to see if she is "mentally ill", because in reality, we all are. How can we not be in this screwed up world where everyone is out for themselves? That's not all of human nature, but a tiny part that has been exaggerated by our media and our economic systems. Our nature is to cooperate with others, to live in community, to relate closely. We need other people. That is undeniable. Your mom needs help, she needs to find out how her habits are hurting her, and you need to do the same for yourself. Neither of you will be able to get out of this pattern until one of you (or both) break it.

Alpha3, Mom has no money. How is she going to be able to move to Oregon? The poster and her significant other are struggling to support themselves and hope to be able to move into a better environment and start a family. They are currently spending $500 of their own money each month to help Mom, and that isn't enough to keep her in hot water and electricity. What do you expect them to spend after they pay to move her to Oregon (assuming she is willing to move to Oregon if she can't live with them)?

You make a very big assumption that Mom "raised you lovingly." We can hope that Mom did the best she could, but given the description of her manipulation now, and the fact she has alienated everyone else, I don't think we can automatically assume "loving" was her main operating mode.

Nor can we assume that she will allow her daughter to "help her in making useful acquaintances." People who alienate everyone who knows them do not automatically make friends by being shown new clubs.

This young woman's clock is ticking. She wants to start a family. This is the time in her life when she needs to focus on raising the next generation. For everything there is a season. By this time she should be independent and able to be interdependent with a spouse and responsible for dependents. She should not be expecting her parents to help her financially or in other ways. She isn't. She is where she should be in this season of her life. It is Mother who is out of sync.

Alpha3, like you I did caregiving for my husband with dementia. I was able to keep him home with me for ten years on this journey. There are very few things I wouldn't have done for him, very few sacrifices I wouldn't have made. He was my life partner; my soul mate. May mother now has dementia. My sisters and I advocate for her and visit her often in the nursing home. We love her and are grateful that she was a loving parent the years we were growing up. But the degree of sacrifice and intimate involvement in her care is simply different than my involvement in my husband's care, or what I would expect any of my sisters would do in caring for their spouse.

onlychild223's Mom needs professional help. onlychild223 is not a mental health professional, she lives 2000 miles away, and her relationship with her mother is not one of mutual respect.

Yup. A lot of us responders think onlychild223's first responsibility is to her self.

There are indications that this mom is not a healthy person to live with. I had a friend live with me for five years because her mom was such a difficult person that she was totally messed up. If you've had a good mom, praise God for her! It's hard to believe sometimes how much damage a messed-up mom can do to her children. I've seen a few, and I've seen their children's struggle. One of my best friends right now has a mom who plays guilt trips, plays head games with him, and he's had to stop going to see her in self-defense. Trying to help someone who is stubborn, uncooperative, irresponsible and ungrateful is a thankless task. A couple of things I've learned from difficult people I've had in my life: say what you have to say, shut up and don't argue--and pray hard against the bad stuff coming out of their lives.

I find a lot of comments here ask for more or less abandonment for your sake.. This is not just anybody, this is your mother, the one who raised you lovingly. My thoughts are that you and your boyfriend may want to help her prepare her house for sale and find a good realtor. You could, together with your mother, find an inexpensive apartment near where you live and help her get the social assistance she needs. I would help her in her job search and assist her with her budgeting. This would prompt her to take charge of her life and take some pride in herself. With your encouragement and being close by, you could help her in making useful acquaintances for companionship and assistance. There are always clubs, volunteer associations etc. around. This way you can keep an eye on your mom's welfare without putting your own health and happiness at risk.

Some people's idea of "looking for a job" is dropping off a bunch of applications and resumes to a bunch of big businesses. In today's job market, almost everywhere requires filing applications online, also checking Craig's List or the shopper advertising things like the Green Sheet or Pennysaver. The State Employment people can be helpful, sometimes not. It's tough out there; my grandson graduated from college last spring and has been jobhunting all summer, looks like he got a callback from someplace he applied months ago. But you have to get a foot in the door somewhere. This lady may have iffy referendes and bad credit, which makes it tough. The advice for the daughter to check social service agencies sounds good, but she should NOT let the mom take over her life. One answer to the guilt tripping is that Mom has a responsibility for herself, as well. It's also very possible that if the mom does have mental health problems, there is a good chance that she's also good at "showtiming"--one of my inlaws was in a similar spot with her sister,who made such a "healthy" impression on the disability caseworker that they denied the application.

DHilBe, I don't think the intent was to be unfeeling or to ignore possible mental health issues. This young lady lives 2000 miles from her mom, their relationship is difficult and my gut says this manipulation is not a new mental health related behaviour. But a lifelong pattern of dealing with her daughter. So the advice has been how to deal with getting Mom help without Mom pulling her daughter into the quagmire with her.

The concept of caring for one's parent is interpreted in wildly different ways by children and their manipulative parent.

Just read that she turned down work. Is that why unemployment stopped. I am 65 now, have a Master's degree. I lost work when I was about 60. I took on-call work without benefits. That networked me into another company with benefits but at 1/2 the wage I used to make. Ya know what, I took the job. It is hard to find work when you are an older person, however, there is work out there. I also sat next to a person with same job who had to give up her home because she could not afford the mortgage even with two jobs. Not sure what is going on with your mom (except that with depression, meds do help). Just have to adjust and know that "It is what it is." Every downward turn has provided me with some kind of personal benefit, which may not be monetary but has had greater value.

MaggieMarshall your mother is amazing and there is much to be learned from her. I tell my girls to live "beneath" their means and be frugal, not cheap.

My girls have introduced me to the thrift stores where I find so many little treasures. We are such a wasteful society.

Great comment Maggie!

DHilBe, Please be patient , and don't get upset, as you suggested to OP.... it seems you are a bit naïve.... possibly haven't been in the trenches per se......In a perfect world, we would all love to be a fountain of compassion, empathy, and understanding.... and if some of us were not 'hardheaded' we wouldn't survive what we do everyday...... so while I truly appreciate your comments.... what we were addressing was the fact that the mom is USING her daughter... she knows that and wanted suggestions.... and we gave her our perspective on the situation.....
If we see enabling, which happens a lot on this site, and that person asks a question, then there are some very seasoned and experienced people on here who have walked where she is walking now.....so ya, it's called tough love.... the girl wants a life with her boyfriend... and if mom is capable of laying a guilt trip then she is capable of picking up the phone and making these calls herself.....
Like I said, in a perfect world, we'd all have time and patience..... most days we are too tired and frustrated from not getting any help our self, much less going that extra mile for someone who can do it for themselves.....

I am 62. I don't have a master's degree, nor do I have an undergraduate degree. My girls all have these things. Two are nurses as well. I would never, ever, even if I had to live under a bridge, do to you what your mother is doing. If she has the ability to be employed she should take whatever comes along until something better comes along. It is a cruel world out there. Many educated people are unemployed, many non educated people are not employed and can not find work. Times are tough. It is hard for an older person to find work after they lose their job. But there is a difference between helping a family member when they are down and out and enabling someone.

You are about my daughters' age. You need a dependable young man before you even think of having a family. You need someone who cares about your welfare. Does your boyfriend fit this description?

I am concerned for you. Having daughters your age, please look out for yourself. Don't accept less. You need to have someone who loves you and would do anything to make sure your life turns out well. That includes both your boyfriend and mother. If they can not do this, do that for yourself. Find people who will help you find the healthiest path for your life. And move on. Good luck.

Wow…..dear OnlyChild… you have a lot of good advice to pick from, and I hope you can not only ignore the rather unfeeling hardhead comments, but also the remarks your Mom makes… when she is upset……. Please think of her as a patient who is just venting for effect to state that she is insecure as all get out…..I did not read your 2nd text till just now…Boy, she has a Masters..???
... Had jobs offered to her in your area…??? There is something wrong and the sooner you can get her psych-help, the better….
If she does not go for that… then you may have to cut her cord…but not the cord to the professionals you contact in her behalf…
Let them know that you can't get anywhere with her… keep records of what you discuss with them… by E-mail - hopefully - so you can just print it out and keep it in a folder by dates…This folder will be your proof to yourself, that you've done all things possible... and later leaves you guilt free but surely still sad….if things don't improve…. Again… I wish you well !!!

I am really surprised at the unfeeling comments I read here - does anyone here understand the word medical/psychological problems... If the brain does not work well - you don't just dump a human onto the garbage heap... but I do agree with this [quote from above] "...even call Social Services in her county and ask them to check her welfare." "Seeing a social worker on her doorstep would be a real eye-opener. " It is another way for you to get possible help for her.... and if you are the one getting in touch with that over-worked social worker... you might get more info out of them of your Mom's real condition.... Think of her as a patient who needs help... don't think of her as the Mom who brought you up and helped you to grow up in whatever ways she was capable of... the tide turns as time goes... and she now needs help from professionals... You did not say what her status of physical health is...???

Go online to suicidehotlines and find the phone number where she lives. They will have a listing of the social services resources in her area. Then give your mom this number and have her call to find services. Or you call and get an idea of what your mom might need to do. That way when she calls you can ask her, "Have you called ... . What did they say?" Keep a note book of her responses and talk her through the process. It seems to me she would also need some kind of counseling. At the minimum she had the steam knocked out of her and needs to talk about life as a 60 year old with someone. At the other end, she may have a mental illness, or a depression that has her stalled. The county can refer to a clinic for meds if needed. If all this is not working, you can go there and take her to places yourself.

Do not bring her to your home. Be frank if you must, and tell her that your relationship is too stressful for you to have her there. She will be mean, just expect it.

Get her house cleaned and ready to sell, get an agent (with her permission). Get her into a small apartment or low income housing. Sometimes people use motels. If you spend money on her, pay her rent, buy her a food coupon from a nearby diner. Get her a micro wave and she can heat meals in her room.

Look on line at the rules for social security. She should be able to apply at 62 I think. There is a reduction in benefits for applying early, but at this point it is not that relevant. Get her a payee (also information about this with social security) who will be tasked with paying her rent, etc.

Get the phone numbers for help lines, food boxes etc in her area. Give her a copy, and keep one to keep mailing her when she "looses" she copy. Wallet size is good.

Sum this up with I love you mom, but I can't be around your behaviors toward me. I wish it was different, but it is not. Sorry your mom is the way she is, but you take care of your self.

Take a page from the Al-Anon book about co-dependency. She is repeatedly attempting to blame you for her own mistakes. I agree with Captain, send nothing more and force her to cope on her own. You could even call Social Services in her county and ask them to check her welfare. Seeing a social worker on her doorstep would be a real eye-opener.

Dear onlychild1223..... I empathize ... I am actually in a similar situation, but not this desperate…and I bet a lot of us are - in this economy... yet the manipulation you accuse your Ma of … is born of FEAR of not being able to live up to what life expects of us, especially again in this harsh economy...
Manipulation is always born of wanting or badly needing something and continuously searching for ways to get it…. If your Mom has no close friends…etc.. there is something wrong… even at age 60 she can get in touch with Senior clubs who have oodles of support contacts for her to explore… and they may find out in short order that she may be in need of Counseling Support and shove her in the right direction…. Once she makes the initial contacts.. ask her for names of the club that to which she went-- and the names of the organizers there who run the thing, especially with whom she spoke …. so that once you call these persons, they will remember her….
They may not give you info on her per se…{privacy-Laws} ...but they can give you info on what all is available in her area so you can contact them and tell your Mom or co-ordinate with them - where she should go and find more assistance…
In my opinion your Mom is of the generation as I… We were brought up to be housewifes, Often well trained in all the chores of running a house and family… but financial matters were secrets not to be divulged or even taught to your own daughters at that time... as the future husband " does that "….
And it left us scared when we had to take that task over, and make life-changing decisions… as in my case my husband died when my daughter and son were young…and I literally had no profession….
In her case it would seem that selling her house should have been done years back, while one still had the basic 3 months worth of savings in one's checking account, suggested now-a-days, as an emergency back-up fund..
Or :Getting in touch with Government agencies that can either help re-educate for certain job-skills and/or asking the unemployment office for locations of support classes that assist with " how to present oneself within job-search" .... There is nothing more frightening to one's self-confidence, than to have to sell oneself interview after interview and getting rejection after rejection... meaning to me, that I wonder if she is even applying for the right, or appropriate jobs , prepares properly, dresses properly to the job-description…etc…???
I would suggest to get your Mom to write over her House to you so you can borrow against this property, in order to assist her….
Somehow she should be eligible for subsidized housing after such a move …
I would suggest to such a Mom to write the house into a Trust to you thru the Elder-Attorney you may find…or just plain encourage her to sell it…under your financial oversight to guard against fraud from any realtor….yet I think the idea of such a life-changing activity scares the H ... out of her.
You need an Elder Lawyer to help you through this mess, and one Appointment should Suffice to get you the right info how to start out ... the steps...and how to conclude this predicament fast and in your Mom's + your favor. If your Mom owns that house outright {no mortgage}… some of it should go as inheritance to you, especially if you are obviously the one who often keeps her afloat…
I would also keep a ledger of all your given support monetary and otherwise, and show this to the Attorney you might find… Ask if these funds are tax-deductible and und what legal circumstances....
Go to a Senior club in your Area to find names of even free advice from Senior problem experienced Attorneys…but find the main-office of such a club, not the many smaller Places they have for different subdivision locals. Yet going to the smaller place may help you find the main-office location for your area.
The Law is like the medical profession… specialized ... so find a lawyer with the right knowledge base…
Do not just "dump" your Mom, as so many seem to suggest here…that will only increase your own feelings of guilt…. instead Go on the attack of a problem, in an honest way, by informing your Mom of your actions as you go along and steadfastly tell her that your continued help comes in this form… without threatening that you may otherwise cut her off,
Although I would decrease monetary help… as I think you can't always be sure of just how little she has... this would be your way of making it clear to her which of your suggested paths she has to follow…
She is still your Mom… who may be mentally to ill equipped to cope with her life… keep trying the turn her into another direction… so you will never have guilt feelings to cope with later…
This is harder to solve long distance, and takes more time…but not impossible… I am doing it now long distance, to my house into my son's trust...
I think your Mom is a lot more desperate than she lets on by phone… and wanting to be close to you also means that she thinks of you as friend, possibly the only one she can trust.
Knowing how to make friends is something you learn as a child…that trust must have been lacking in her young years……she obviously does not trust people enough to make them into friends...
I do wish you all the best outcome possible….!!!

Sweetheart, as the wife of someone who was unemployed recently for 3 years, you don't turn down jobs. You just don't. You accept what is offered because long term, not working is bad for your health, bad for your resume and bad because you get used to not eorking. Is she signed up with any kind of supportive program that will help her with resumes, maybe provide career counselling? I believe that Goodwill has a program like that. If she has degrees, is she in touch with the career office at her Alma Maters? They can provide support, networking and sometimes maintain job banks.

The comments really have been helpful. My mother has been unemployed for the past 2 years-She tells me she applies for 15 jobs a day. I don't know what to believe from her anymore. She has a masters degree for crying out loud. She is in pretty deep with her house and owes a lot of money. But she is also extremely stubborn. She has an ideology that family is supposed to help out family, however what has been going on with us has gone to far...just in the past year she has gotten several thousand from me not to mention I have paid for 2 trips for her to come out to OR of the things I need have gone neglected. I think I will continue to pay her phone bill so that she can do interviews and look for jobs- She is already pissed at me for telling her this but I have to draw a limit to a certain extent. She has turned down 2 jobs in the past that were offered to her. One was here in Oregon that she turned down because she didn't want to leave her house. I think there Is some mental health issues going on but she would never go get treated. She wont even apply for disability. Maybe Its better for me to just limit my contact until she can get herself together? I have not spoken to her today but I think its time for me to put my foot down--I dont think it will be easy but it cannot go on like this any longer. Its very hard to be dealing with something like this, and as the name implies---there's no one else to really confide in.

Well, really? You don't know for sure how she's living. You're not there. You know what she tells you. If it were me, I'd be on a plane for three days to have a look-see. She can SAY she's looking hard to find a job. Is she? She can SAY she's trying to sell her house. Is she? Is there a Realtor for-sale sign in the front yard? Is it listed at a realistic price? How long has it been for sale without a price adjustment? What kind of financial resources does your mom have? You probably know what she SAYS she has, but is it true?

In short, when someone is asking for financial support from you, you have to insist they throw open their doors and bust open their books so you can have a look yourself.

Does she have a car payment? Is it a newer car? Does she owe money on her credit cards? Is she being financially responsible? You may find out you're the enabler; in which case, that's EASY to stop.

If you find she truly is on hard luck, then go with her to get her help. Has she been claiming all the real estate tax exemptions she's entitled to? Get that house sold. Does she have a mortgage on it? Is she upside down? If she's seriously upside down, tell her to walk away. Help her find a cheap apartment she can afford for the time being. Find out where she's applying for jobs and suggest fast-food places.

I wouldn't "throw mom under the bus" -- she gave you life, after all. But I'd be darned well sure it wasn't of her own making . . . that she's sincerely trying to work out of it . . . and that she's taking advantage of all the public assistance she's entitled to. Otherwise? I'm not giving her a dime.

Just a side note to put things into perspective. Mom is 87 years old. She worked in a factory for thirty years . . . let go when the plant closed. She never made more than $225 a week her whole career. My dad never brought his check home. He was a gambler, and although mom was a saver? He spent them broke without her knowing it twice before she divorced him. She raised me alone.

I just totaled her assets this past year when I took her in to live with me. That little lady has over $300,000 in cash and a paid-off home she's now selling for $145,000. How did she do that? She's been retired for almost thirty years.

Well, she shopped at Good Will stores; never owned a car (she paid people to drive her to/from work; used cabs) so she never had a car payment, upkeep or insurance; she shopped garage sales; she never took fancy vacations; never carried a balance on the one credit card she has; she was frugal, but generous with others; always lived beneath her means; lived in the same house for 53 years.

Get your arms around what's really going on. Devote some "on-site time" to getting her affairs in order . . . wrapping your arms around her REAL situation. And make sure you're not giving her Bingo money. (I'm not kidding.)

Although you're certainly not obligated to do so, conscience is a powerful motivator. If you're so inclined, give her a SET AMOUNT every month for three months. Then tell her she's on her own. There are safety nets out there for people like her. Sounds as if you've been her safety net long enough.

Right now I live in a Winnebago I found in someone's pasture... I talked him down to $200,,,,I call it the Grapes of Wrath wagon.....Nothing in it works, no running water, no stove or fridge..... but like Veronica said... I have figured it out...... I have a microwave.... I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in and never asked my wonderful children for anything..... they would have helped... they are great kids.... but I would never ask them to...... not false pride here, just that life is hard, life is tough sometimes.... and SHE needs to pull up her big girl panties and get moving on finding solutions..... copy and paste what Veronica said and send it to her....... if you continue to enable her, you are simply volunteering to be her victim...... many of us have it really hard.... so what.... I also have a ton of things to be grateful for also..... that outweighs the problems any day !!!

Do not send her anymore cash.
Do not have her come to live with you.
If you feel you need to help in any way have her send you that bill ie electricity and pay that directly, never send the cash. never pay for the phone TV or Internet.
Many things we consider essential people managed without. If she does not have gas and can't bathe buy her an electric ring (order online and have it delivered to her) She can heat water on that and take a strip wash thats what others have to do. if she previously had a stove she has got pots and pans so get a small propane gas ring and use that.
Is there stuff she can sell?
If her house won't sell can she rent her house out and find a room to rent for
herself.
Is she using food banks?
Are there free meals in her areas.
Ask at her local chuches if they offer any help.
Any hospital theat accepts medicare/medicaid has to treat any patient who shows up. Now they will still expect to be paid but you can't get blood out of a stone.
What was her last job?
What is she capable of doing?
Minimum wage is better than nothing,
For Dave it would be wonderful if everyone fulfilled what the States believe to be their filial responsibilities and if they did in this world it would mean other family members would go hungry. I often hear stories of how children help their parents and the parent then feels entitled and expects a free ride.
We certainly should help those less fortunate but not become an enabler and be very sure that contributions are going for their intended use. I do not blindly give to charity but would help out an individual when I truly see the need.
So pull up your big girl panties and take care of yourself the way you take care of your patients and discourage your boyfriend from contributing. He will have to earn the money to pay back those student loans. look to your joint future and plan better than your mother otherwise you will end up as a single Mom and good old mom wan't be there to help you out. Blessings you have a lot of support here.

Might you mom be eligible for Social Security Disability? If she is mentally disabled, that may be the case and might also open up some avenues for supportive/subsidized housing. To be clear, I was not suggesting that you "throw her under the bus". At the same time, there is a fine line between supporting someone who is going through a rough patch and being taken advantage of. Your mom's behavior and attitude of entitlement would seem to indicate deeply engrained narcissism and/or mental illness.

Vegaslady, thanks for saying this young woman does not need FEAR added to her already overloaded back.......so what if she ends up responsible, she'll cross that bridge when she gets to it... there are some 'here and now' solutions she can put into play that will help her NOW....

Dave, ladeeM is correct. Food Stamps is entirely different from receiving cash welfare. It's just all handled by the same office. This lady might be able to get Medicaid, depending on her state and what it did about expanding the program under Obamacare, and get to a doctor for some help. I sincerely doubt that she is out every day looking for a job. There are plenty of organizations that could help her become employed...Goodwill, the state unemployment office, etc. If she ends up living in her car or a shelter, ok. Dave, quit trying to scare this young woman with filial responsibility laws. She's been doing more than enough and should stop. Mom either needs to work, apply for disability (she does sound mentally impaired) or suffer through until a crisis sends her to a hospital. Onlychild, don't let her live with you. She's going to get by, or not. You can't fix her. The best you can hope for now is for her to get treated for whatever her problem is. And don't feel you have to carry yet on your back. She'll crush you.

And, just because she is getting food stamps does not mean she is on welfare... I don't know how it works in your state, but in Texas you can get on food stamps, which I have had to do between jobs, but no welfare unless you have young children living with you.....guess they figure you will find a job eventually..... Hotels and motels hire cleaning people, Homehealth agencies hire in home helpers, ect.... there is a job.... may not be one she likes or wants, but hey, we've all been there.....it gets the bills paid.....