Mom is convinced that her neighbor is coming into the house and stealing her things. What can we do?

Sounds like she has dementia, a disease that has no cure, she is hallucinating. Has she been to a neurologist and been tested for dementia?

If it is confirmed that this is the problem, it may be time to consider placement in memory care.

There is no changing this behavior if she has dementia, there is no cure, she will only get worse.

Consideration must be given to your father as well, trying to control this disease is very stressful and not good for a senior's well-being.

Hope that you figure this out, please seek help for your mother.

Paranoia is a phase of dementia and will transition into another behavior but when is different for each person. Has her doctor been asked about meds for anxiety? You won't be able to convince her of anything since memory, reason and logic are disappearing from her abilities.

Here is advice from the ALZ.org website:

Don't take offense. 
Listen to what is troubling the person, and try to understand that reality. Then be reassuring, and let the person know you care.

Don't argue or try to convince. 
Allow the individual to express ideas. Acknowledge his or her opinions.

Offer a simple answer. 
Share your thoughts with the individual, but keep it simple. Don't overwhelm the person with lengthy explanations or reasons.

Switch the focus to another activity. 
Engage the individual in an activity, or ask for help with a chore.

Duplicate any lost items.
If the person is often searching for a specific item, have several available. For example, if the individual is always looking for his or her wallet, purchase two of the same kind.

They too recommend exploring medication if the delusion is persistent and bad enough.

"We have no idea where this is coming from." It's 100% the dementia. These delusions are common with dementia, and the hiding behavior is extremely common (and often the first sign of a problem). I'm sorry your family is going through this. It can be a rough ride.

You might get some ideas about diverting the behavior, but unfortunately it's probably here to stay for a while. Medication may help. But no amount of security measures will shake this belief of hers—it's not like one day the lightbulb will go off and she'll "get it." Dementia robs people of that ability. She might move on to other delusions or fixations, which could be better or worse. My own mother has cycled through a few.

If you move her to memory care (which may be a good idea for other reasons), the behavior will continue there. I know this from experience. It's a question of managing it more than changing it. For instance, what I learned was that we shouldn't have brought DVDs, photographs, and small tchotchkes from her home ("it will remind her of home and she'll be happier" was the naive thinking at the time) into her first facility, because she only hid them all over the place.

I'm sure you have already, but read up on dementia behaviors as much as you can. Aside from this forum, that's where your answers lie.

This is common with dementia. There are medications that can help with the paranoia, delusions, hallucinations, anxiety. Discuss with her doctor what is going on and if it is happening at a particular time of day.
If dad it trying to take care of mom by himself there are a few things you can encourage him to do.
1. If there is an Adult Day program in your area get mom involved.
2. Dad needs to hire a caregiver that can help him so he can get out of the house and also do some of the things he is trying to do. If mom resists take it slowly let the caregiver do "stuff" around the house then work into "direct care" (Example..day 1 caregiver is a "friend" that comes to visit. This is also an "evaluation" visit. Day 2 caregiver comes and may do a load of dishes, helps get lunch and dad realizes that he has run out of milk and has to go to the store. He leaves for an hour. Mom and caregiver chat caregiver helps while dad is gone. A few visits like this mom will get used to having someone in the house)

It does sound like one of the concerns dad should have is that mom at some point might wander away from the house. At least with a Ring Door Bell he would know when she left, and what direction she went.

The Alzheimer's Association has a number that is answered 24/7 you can call at anytime. There are trained counselors that answer the phone.
they also have a list of Support Groups in your area.

A friend has had this behavior for about 4 years now. She’s a nurse, widowed, and lives alone. Her friends have abandoned her because she’s accused all of them of stealing things, some quite valuable, She’s come up with elaborate stories as to how they managed to steal things from her, like getting a master key to her locks, etc. etc. And she’s forbidden them to come near her. Her daughter is also a nurse and claims she can’t do anything to help her mom because her mom has accused her also of stealing things and banned her from speaking to her doctors. How this is going to end no one knows because this lady is vengeful and vowing to take action against her former friends. The family recently had a meeting trying to figure out what to do. It’s not an easy road for them. Also a question is, where has she put the things she thinks were stolen from her? We know she had some of them but maybe is deluded about some of the other things and never had them in the first place!

Here's the problem with the answers -- as far as I see it. The thing is: people can and DO steal from people in their homes. I've had it happen to me not just from "houseguests" (admittedly who I didn't know very well) as well as, more recently, from healthcare workers (which I've talked about in this forum). So, is it not possible that in this woman's stage of dementia she is possibly referencing in her mind somewhere a time when someone DID steal from her, and she is (for reasons I don't know of -- no expert here on how dementia works) "reliving" these moments now at a time when she probably feels "out of sorts" and vulnerable in all sorts of ways I can't imagine. It must be terrifying to come to the realization that you're losing your mind, or parts of it. I fully expect that people might "pounce" on me (figuratively speaking of course) for bringing this up, but I think it is part of the reality of the world we live in, which is that unscrupulous people can and do rob old people! Now, how to deal with this reality in this particular situation -- I can't say. I'm thinking one could say, "Well, maybe yes in the past perhaps some people DID steal from you. So let's talk about those times, and see how they are different from accusing your nice next door neighbor of stealing from you" or something like that.

I'm ready for the pouncing....

Daffodils, you may want to take your Mom to her primary doctor to be tested for an Urinary Track Infection [UTI] as that can cause a person to believe in things that in reality aren't happening.

Your mom forgets where she puts things or even what she owns, so - of course in her mind - it must have been taken. She may benefit from streamlining the home, consistent routines, and consistent home environment. If those strategies do not work, try distracting her to new activities and topics of conversation. If her behavior persists, talk with her doctor about mild anti-anxiety medication to help calm her frustration over a situation that is out of her control.

You're not going to 'change' this dementia behavior in your mother; it is 'coming from' her broken brain and the fact that it's misfiring and sending her messages that are wrong. This is HER reality now, and nothing you do or say is going to change it. What you can and should do is learn all you can about dementia/ALZ so you and your father can best help your mother.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet ( a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

She also has published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.” For people to understand that reality and context as perceived and experienced by a person with dementia, is altered by the dementia; and, that their reality and context is continuously changing as the dementia progresses, requires learning and an attitude shift; it is not ‘common sense.’

Here is a list of useful tips from her e-book I found to be excellent:

The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience
The Do's
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment
Language Needs
· Use short words
· Use clear and simple sentences
· Speak slowly and calmly
· Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer
· Talk about one thing at a time
· Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas
· Use common phrases
· Always say what you are doing
· If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information
· Wait patiently for a response
· Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words
· Speak softly, soothingly and gently

Care Needs
· Recognize that receiving personal care feels intrusive
· Reassure with your tone and manner
· Do one thing at a time
· Talk through the care “play-by- play”
· Be aware of your body language and use it to communicate relaxation and reassurance
· Be sincere
· Use a soft, soothing touch
· Be aware of the individual’s unique triggers
· Be aware that a person with dementia may not accurately judge whether a situation is threatening to them
· They may respond to fear, pain or anxiety by defending themselves with what we call “aggression”
· If they become distressed, stop immediately and allow them time to calm down – don’t try to restart the activity right away
You need to change your behaviour to adapt to the dementia because the person with the disease cannot.

Another good book is Living in the Labyrinth: A Personal Journey Through the Maze of Alzheimer's, by Diana Friel McGowin. Learn all you can about AD/dementia b/c knowledge is power!

Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.

Daff, it is part and parcel of dementia. My granny accused my stepmom of stealing her money. She would hide it and forget where or that she had hidden it and the accusations would fly.

We would tell granny that it must of have been mislaid and then start searching. It was really heartbreaking for my stepmom and frustrating with the frequency.

I would get some beautiful flowers and something really nice to eat, maybe something homemade, and go have a talk with the neighbor. Explain what is going on with mom, apologize and ask her if she has any ideas.

From my experience, people are really understanding when things are explained and they are willing to help if we ask for specific things within their ability.

The only thing that stopped this behavior in my granny was time, it felt like forever but, it was only a few months. May your mom get over this phase quickly.

My mother with dementia has a similar issue with accusing all her friends of meddling, gossiping, butting in,... It is the dementia, not the person I knew for 65 years. As other commenters have written, there is no way to get her to stop or be more polite, you just have to live with it, change the subject, try to get her onto something more pleasant.

It's coming from dementia. As strange as it sounds, your mom is very normal in the dementia world.

That’s part of the illness they lose and hide things from paranoia and forgetfulness . There isn’t much you can do but help find her items - they hide things also like the phone in the freezer or the ring under the bathroom sink or that box of oatmeal .

Adding just a bit, in my experience, attempting to “solve” the problem of paranoia may actually convince the sufferer that what he or she is saying is even more true.

We went through “stealing chickens from the neighboring chicken ranch”, “putting human excrement into the well”, to “stealing the Social Security Check” and on.

It can last for a while then dissipate. Emphasizing it in any way seemed to make it worse. Ignoring it, sidestepping it, saying “I’ll see what I can find out about that” and quickly changing the subject can sometimes help briefly.

In my case, it was worse for me as a teenager who adored her Grandma than it was for Grandma herself.

My moms paranoia made her and other miserable. She was constantly anxious and sometimes in fear. She reacted by accusing and by searching for the people. The doc prescribed zyprexa 10 mg to get her settled and then 5 mg maintenance. She gained the 10 pounds that is normal but she is not in terrors or paranoid now unless it is a UTI.

I’m afraid none of those things will help. The only solution is to refocus her thoughts. Find something that interests her. Keep her thinking about those things and happy thoughts and memories. It takes work and a lot of your time. The worst thing is to sit alone with only your thoughts.

Your mom has dementia that's where all this is coming from. Who she once was is slipping away and sadly this will only get worse. You and dad need to have a talk about placing mom in a facility because eventually he will not be able to handle her needs. She may even do better in a facility with meds and a strict routine.

Sometimes i think with dementia the person still has a little awareness of their old life and old self and what is happening now and contributes to their confusion and behavior ad the degree progresses. If that makes any sense.

Geriatric Psychologist to help both of your parents!

Dad is trying to fix the unfixable and mom's brain is tricking her into fear and anxiety. If it wasn't the neighbor then it would probably be characters from Jurassic Park. Time to get off the crazy train and get some professional help and, perhaps, medications.

If your mom has not yet been treated by a neurologist specializing in memory disorders, I would highly recommend you pursue that. She can be properly eval-uated. If appropriate, they may prescribe medications such as Donepizil (aricept) in combination with Memantine (namenda). These two drugs can slow the progression. My friend was having paranoid delusions and auditory hallucinations which were greatly reduced by these meds. But she needs evaluated by a specialist first.
Check out the Alzheimer’s Assn website where you can find lots of helpful and informative articles.

It's part of the broken brain - dementia makes the brain believe things that cannot happen, have not happened, etc. You may not ever see you mom stop talking about the neighbor and the stealing. Don't be surprised if mom starts referring to dad and neighbor having an affair. Her brain has already fixated on being mad at the neighbor, Mom may add additional anger to that neighbor

I think what happens is they hide something, then they think about it - like a purse. If you don't see it, you assume someone stole it. The never ending cycle. One good example I share is the quarters: My friend kept a couple rolls of quarters in her purse. As her brain became more damaged, she would unwrap the rolls and let some drop in purse and some in chair or on the floor. Then would say someone stole her quarter rolls. Yes - the rolls were actually gone. If she was too ticked off, we would have to go there to search for all the missing stuff. Find the purse (usually under chair cushion where she sat), car keys (usually in flower pot/urns/jars in cabinets...her husband had a real set hid)) and the ever hiding quarters. Dumped loose quarters into a box and handed her some newly rolled quarters and said - here's those rolls you lost. Happy as a clam for a few days.

HIding things is the next/current real hurdle for your dad. Car keys/house keys and money will become serious issues. Dad needs his own hiding place for these things. Give mom her own set if you want or get her some old keys that go to nothing. Will save everyone a lot of aggravation if you don't spend hours each day trying to locate your car keys. Go ahead and lock up the good jewelry that she's hiding (if you find a piece, lock it up)

Both my MIL and mother had this problem. My mother started a “new prescription” several months before this behavior started. My MIL was taking too high of a dose for OTC Prilosec.

Both problems were resolved by having the Pharmacist look at the medication and see if there’s any interactions. Make an appointment or just give the pharmacy a call to find out which would be the best way for them to check both prescription and nonprescription medication.

Some Pharmacist didn’t want to do the evaluation because it’s too much work, so just elevate it to another pharmacist.

Daffodils: Unfortunately, your mother's malady has caused her brain to misfire, if you will. It may be a fruitless effort on your part as what she perceives as reality are untruths. Perhaps you would benefit from reading the book, "The 36 Hour Day."

I mentioned earlier that my friend, a retired nurse, thinks all her friends and her daughter have been stealing from her. I should have added that she doesn’t take her medication in any reliable way and that she is drinking a lot. Alcohol isn’t a good thing, especially for the demented. So those of us who are caregivers should be aware that not only is the person suffering from dementia but may have a severe alcohol problem as well. This should be discussed with the patient’s PCP.

My mom did the same thing, but it was Satan taking her things. One of the best things for my mom was when the doctor put her on Buspirone. I call it her "happy pill" because it makes a big difference. She also takes Donepezil. Please do consider putting up a Ring camera, or other security camera at your front door. I live over 4 miles from my mom, but I get notifications on my phone when she goes outside, then I can watch to see what she is doing.

I'm going through this now and it is one of the biggest challenges / issue of stress for me when dealing with my mother. She fails to understand she is the common denominator when it comes to the conflicts she has with neighbors in every house we've lived in.

She has accused me of meeting with the male neighbor across the street (who has a wife) and despite their welcoming us to the neighborhood, she thinks that all they do is gossip about her and bother her. She makes enemies wherever she goes and can't just be cordial. She's cursed out neighbors and accused them of saying things about us, gossiping about us, or wanting to use and abuse us.

I agree with other comments that their brains are broken so there is not much that can be done. I think the only option for me is to get a caregiver during the day while I'm at work to control any conflicts or arguments that she wants to start with neighbors. I've made an appointment with a neurologist and that is probably the first step most caregivers should take with someone who may have dementia. The doctor can brain CT to figure out what is happening and prescribe medication.

The paranoia is part of the dementia. You will not be able to convince your mom that her things are not being stolen. Prior to moving my mom to assisted living, she would hide her checkbook and then swear someone came in and stole it even though she lived alone and never left the house. I would tear her house apart looking for those damn checks and ended up ordering more from the bank on three occasions until I finally wised up and kept the checks myself. Once moved into assisted living, she would hide her underwear, hair comb and remote control. She had cut a hole into the bottom of the footstool and shoved everything in there. She also stole a steak knife from my home and had it hidden in between her box spring and mattress in her assisted living apartment.

There is no sense to their actions at this point. Just make sure to have anything of value hidden from her. When she goes into a rant about the neighbor stealing, change the subject and ask her a question that is totally off topic. You will be doing this for years to come and you will get better at it!

I am not trying to downplay your shock about all of this. It is very hard when a parent, someone who you trusted and believed, is uttering nonsense and you can no longer believe what they tell you and you can't talk any sense into them. It was shocking for me and the first couple of years I did not handle it well. It's less shocking and more annoying than anything today. Diverting the conversation is very helpful and I am a pro at it after so many years. You will get used to it as well. Please help your dad understand what it going on so that he doesn't drive himself crazy trying to secure your moms things.