My mom is in the hospital. Everyone knows she's dying except for her. Everyone keeps mentioning hospice to me but then they order more tests and keep giving her treatments to live. She's confused sometimes but also lucid at others. She talks bout coming home and what she's going to do at home. She asked my friend yesterday who is a nurse if she was dying. She doesn't understand that she is but no one will come right out and tell her. Her kidney function is at 10 percent. Dialysis could kill her. I don't know what to do or what decisions to make. I don't have the heart to tell her this is the end. Any help with this is appreciated.
I don't know if there is any way we can tell a person they are dying without stepping on their inner territory. Death is a journey that each of us has to go through on our own. We can be there to support a person and hopefully make it easier when death does come.
Maybe your mother does know somewhere inside that she is dying and it is why she asks. If there is no fixing things, having tests won't change things. If you're a medical proxy, you could choose palliative care for her. Hospice would be good, by most geriatric facilities understand palliative care. There is no point to disruptive, expensive tests when they won't improve the quality of life.
Let Hospice take the burden off of you and enjoy your last moments with your mother.
You sound like a smart, capable "fixer" and having your mom be grateful to you for working your magic again must be torture for you. But don't feel like you have to be honest and admit that you can't fix this, at least not to mom. She's got her defense mechanisms firmly in place and this is no time to rob her of them. Be there as a loving daughter and adopt a "we'll see" attitude, both out loud to mom and to yourself.