My mother is going into assisted living. My step-dad will be living in "her" home until something happens to him. I am an only child so I will inherit what my mother has, even though I'm "not to know" what is in her living will. A trusted person told me what I will inherit. Ok, now my question: My mother as well as my step-father are "both" hoarders. My mother has lived in this home for 78 years; she is 92 now, and no she will not be coming back home to live. Because of the fact that she is/was a hoarder I really would like to go to her home and get rid of the "excess" items that are in the home; for example, I don't think my step-dad needs 100 bath towels in the spare bathroom. It's just stuff like that. Someone told me I can't do that as long as my step-dad is living in the home. Another thing, why couldn't I start to get rid of the 100's of shoes, and clothing that I "know" she will never use again. Just a question. And, no folks, I'm not trying to get rid of her.
And second, that home may have to be used to contribute to the care of your mom and stepfather. It's a big, fat asset they're sitting on that may be needed in the future. Most elderly people can't afford long term care without the liquidation of the family home.
And I wouldn't count on that inheritance either, aging gets more expensive every year and chances are high that every last asset your mom and step dad have will need to be used for their care.
Hoarding has nothing to do with an actual need of the item hoarded.
You can cause both of them a great deal of anxiety by broaching this subject.
I do feel for you on having to deal with it later when you are older yourself and less able to do the labor it will require but regardless of that it sounds like a bad idea.
I would only power clean if the home is dangerous for your stepdad. I’ve seen enough of those hoarder shows to know that these homes can be pretty bad. Roaches, rodents, and clutter don’t make for a safe house.
To be safe, if you are not the POA and /or the executor of her will, I would get permission (in writing) before I did anything only because Stepdad is still living in the house. Did this trusted friend tell you if anything in the house of Mom’s has been left to Stepdad in writing or in the will? You could have big problems if you did anything with what was designated for him. Have you seen the will? Do you know exactly what’s in it?
Take a step back. I really do understand where you’re coming from. But in this case, make sure you follow procedures, get permission and be very careful in your cleaning.
Are you living in the home. The hoarding is stepdad's to deal with. If he does not want you to remove anything, don't.
Who is the trusted person? A Trustee or Successor Trustee of a Trust? The Personal Rep (Executrix/Executor) of a Last Will and Testament? And, more specifically, how does this person know what you may or may not inherit? If this person hasn't read any Last Will and Testament, assuming one has been prepared, then he/she is speaking with verifiable knowledge of what anyone would inherit.
Inheritance will depend on what is actually written in the will/how it is written, the language in the prenuptial agreement, as well as your state's laws on marital property. An attorney could help answer these questions when the time comes.
However, I agree with others here that much if not all of it will probably have to go to pay for care, unless your mother is extremely wealthy or has a long term care insurance policy. Long term care is outrageously expensive.
As far as mom's excess stuff, you could always talk to mom and stepdad and see if it would be okay to clean out some of mom's extra stuff.
It sounds like your mom tried hard to plan her estate, but that there might be a hole in her plan, e.g. what happens to her home if she needs to permanently move into a care facility, but then again, what is happening might be exactly what she had planned, i.e. if she moved to a care facility, then her husband could stay in her home rent free, rather than move to a veterans home in Pocatello or Boise, and he would thus be close enough to her that he could visit her frequently. If so, that seems like a pretty good plan.
So, unless there's a serious safety problem caused by the "clutter" (remember one person's trash is another's treasure), your energies right now are probably better spent on helping your mom and step-dad adjust to their new living arrangements, monitoring and assisting with your mom's care, and enjoying her company while she is still at least somewhat cognizant. I think it's best to try forgetting about the clutter issue until you have to deal with it and can legally do so.
For some elders, having a ton of stuff around them makes it feel like a safe cocoon. And disrupting that cocoon would have major impact.
See All Answers