The quick story is that I'm 35 years old, married, have a full time job, run a small buisness, and have 5 children at home ages 4-17, and I'm busy to say the least. I had to place my mom in a skilled nursing facility 1 week ago due to her getting sick from not eating and being placed in the hospital for two weeks. During this time she has lost the use of her legs, cannot sit up unassisted, or even roll over. She was sent to the facility to get rehab. Since then she has become a nightmare. 4 hours into her stay, the facility called me to come and get her because she was so bad. What do I mean by that? Yelling, cursing staff, refuses to do anything the staff asks, completely uncooperative, called 911 4 times to report she's being held against her will. She calls me 20 plus times a day to tell me how sorry I am for leaving her there. I have explained time and time again that all she has to do is the physical therapy to become mobile again and she can go, and yet she still refuses. The facility has informed me that her insurance at some point will stop paying due to noncompliance and they will have to release her. They have told me they will just take her home in the condition that she is in. She has a live in boyfriend who is wonderful believe it or not, but she is awful to him and he physically cannot provide her care either as she is completely bed ridden. This will not be a good situation.
Background on my mom- I love my mom because she is my mom, however she was not a good mom. She is self centered, self serving, and only cares about herself period! She has always had these traits but they have grown the last few years. She really believes the whole world revolves around her. I don't know what to do. I feel like I have sacraficed enough for her over the years, as I have raised my siblings children, 3 of my 5 are not my own. I blame her for her lack of parenting of my siblings. I am also the conservator for my older brother whom has a traumatic brain injury this past year and has been left severly brain damaged. This is just a small tid bit of all the stuff I have had to clean up for them over the years and I'm tired and want to live my own life with my family. I feel like I'm being selfish, but she expects me to quit my job and abandon my kids in order to care for her. She would be okay with that. I don't want to abandon her or her boyfriend as he is a good man, but what can I do? I do have POA, that she wants to revoke because she thinks I have placed her in the nursing facility and I didn't, the hospital did. I want to cry everytime my phone rings and it's her. Thats terrible I know, but she is not nice and asks repeatedly when I'm coming to get her and I have explained it over and over clearly and she does not care, just wants to come home. I'm at a loss!
Is your Mom mentally ill?
Or is this simply narcissistic personality disorder?
I see that you have already taken the POA position. I personally would not have done that. If the boyfriend didn't want it I would have allowed this woman to have become a ward of the state.
They will likely discharge your mother to her home. The boyfriend will stay there so long as he stays there, but realistically I can't imagine how long that would be.
I doubt there is a lot you can do for your mother.
However, you have young children, and there IS something you can do for THEM, and that is to be there for them, strong and present in your lives. There is no way anyone short of a Saint would have the wherewithall to care for both a young family and a mentally ill woman. My advice is to back away from her life; give her the phone numbers for emergency services in your area. And get on with your life. The fact that this woman is your mother will not change the outcome for her or for you unless you back away and preserve your own life and more importantly, that of your children.
I am so sorry you are dealing with all that you are, but to be honest, there is nothing you can do for this woman. Her life is not going to change, and indeed, though you don't mention her age, she likely has a good two or three decades left with which to abuse others in her sphere.
Please know you do not have to answer your phone when she calls. You can have her calls sent to voicemail and decide later if you want to answer them.
As long as you are her POA, she will feel you have to jump to her tune. If you rescind it or she removes you, and allow her to become a ward of the state, she can no longer do that.
We had a family friend who got her panties in a bunch and canceled her POA. She was under the Public Trustee within 2 months. It truly was better for her. Now she did not have NPD, but she did have dementia.
One of the things with putting boundaries in place. You are not abandoning the parent, you are protecting yourself from them and their behaviours.
Wish you all the best
You have your own family. You run a business. That’s a lot! You deserve happiness. You have done enough. Your mom isn’t even grateful for your help.
Don’t assume any more responsibility for her. She has to learn to hold herself accountable. If she doesn’t, then she will suffer the consequences but don’t sink with her.
Best wishes to you.