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On this site people refer to that as "showboating", although I've always called it entertaining the troops. Perhaps that's what she's doing. Somehow they muster the ability to appear normal for a short period of time. Don't really have any advice for you, except just go with the flow. They usually fight with the people they spend the most time with. You are the one who makes her do things she doesn't want to do. Oftentimes, family members just love on her and talk sweetly to her and don't ask anything difficult of her.
That's exactly what my daughter says of my nine year old granddaughter. Granddaughter is beginning to challenge the caregiver in her life. I think it's an issue of being told what to do all the time and the fighting is a way to give them a bit of the control that they crave. Granddaughter craves it because she's going to need it as she grows older... Grandma craves it because more and more of it is slipping out of her grasp as she ages. Both fight because they feel helpless, and that fight is with the person making them fell the most helpless. They don't see that the same person is the one who cares for them and loves them and only wants what's best for them.
I think all caregivers, mom's or children of mom's, need to find a way to allow for some control to be given back while at the same time try to create an environment that helps the one receiving the care feel safe and loved. They they, as caregivers, are not the bad guy setting out to take control. It's the circumstances that cause the loss of control the child/senior craves and the caregiver is simply doing what they have to do in the context of their role. The best advice here is to temper the taking control from the with love, patience and understanding letting them see that this is not your intention. It's for the love of them and wanting to keep them safe and comfortable that you must sometimes appear to be stealing their opportunities to be in control. And be sure to make that feeling of love and commitment to their happiness a reality that they can feel from you. It just might (hopefully) take some of that fight out of them.
If it does not, try to put yourself in their shoes and simply don't fight back. Then give yourself a well deserved reward at the end of the day for being a terrific caregiver!
Darn, sure wish this forum allowed for Editing, at least for the first five minutes of a post. Both moms should not have apostrophes in the first sentence of the 2nd paragraph. The second sentence of that paragraph should begin "That they", not "they they" and in the third sentence there's a "the" when it should be a "they".
Then there's "fell" in the first paragraph which should read "feel" and last, but by no means least, I should remember that when I'm thinking and typing I often make small mistakes like those so should always preview my posts carefully BEFORE I press the button!
I noticed that my husband would pick a fight with me when he was not getting enough attention. He is no longer able to entertain himself, so supervised activities and lots of attention at the senior center day [care] program has been the answer for us. think about what you will call it before you say ANYTHING about it to your LO. I told my husband it is therapy so he wouldn't feel diminished by going there. He is very high functioning, but he just loves it. the angels who work there try very hard to keep the clients happy, the Activities director works really hard to keep things interesting. There were little children singing Christmas carols last week and there will be therapy llamas tomorrow! It is great.
Agree completely with txcamper - as her full-time carer you're the person your mum relies on the most, and she hates that. Others who come and go can fuss her, smile, hold her hand, bring her chocs and that's all great, but they do go after a short while and the disappointment of that little excitement having gone, your mum will 'blame' their departure on you who's left to ask her to take her meds, or cajole her into eating a little something. It's so hard just to bite your lip and smile and I often respond myself in what I know is the wrong way but in the end it's just not worth it because I suffer more by regretting being sharp with my mum because I know it's not really her but the dementia which causes this behaviour.
I experience this all the time, and that my elder does whats called "faking it" which is claiming to others that she understands and does everything when I know, and her nurse know, its not true. We just go on. The blame game goes to the closest person, and sadly they often don't realize that they are doing it.
Thank God someone else has this issue and now I don't feel alone. People constantly say how sweet my mother is when she is in public and she doesn't seem that bad but when she is with me she flips the 'bitch switch'----that's what I call it. I hate it and I hate feeling like the bad guy all the time. Good comparison someone made to the 9 or 10 yr old. That's exactly it.
All too true. They turn on the one who is trying their best. They act all sweet & normal to people such as other relatives who visit. I told a few of them about me being called a b***h, the "F" word being hurled at me, etc. Only a very few of them believed me.
I think as caregivers we symbolize what things they can no longer manage to do for themselves. So without knowing how to change things, I think the nasty comments are misdirected anger. The elder resents the aging process and is frustrated with the new physical limitations on them when they used to be highly independent. You are there (ever present) so you get the brunt of the anger. I think the pleasant behaviors for family members who are only "occasional visitors" is a chance to show a happy face to others--that their life/health hasn't really changed. If they were the caregivers, she would fling some angry words their way too.
This is the strangest post ever. I have no idea what the comment is about the employer, and loved ones usually act better around people who do not take care of them all the time. It is all for "show". Just let her act. Is "her family" not yours as well?
I took care of my mother, who had dementia. She would argue with me over things like takeing a shower, takeing her medicine all the time. I would calmly tell her you take your shower because you stink lol and you take your meds or you die the choice is yours haha then she look at me and say you are MEAN! I told her I was paying her back from all the times she would do me like that then she would laugh and do it. You see they argue with you to get attention and also they feel comfortable enough to share their opinions. The old saying is true, they hurt the ones they love the most when they get older..sad but true.
Of course none of the guests believe it because the elder puts on a false front in their presence! I even had a nurse tell me that "most people would think that there's nothing wrong with your Mother because she is nicely dressed and has her hair fixed." Absolutely untruths because if they really got close to her they would understand a different story-one of them being that she had an odor about her because she was no longer strong enough to wash her body thoroughly and insisted on wearing the same clothes day after day until I got ahold of them! Also, the one closest to them, their caregiver (who is quite a bit of the time) their daughter (me) gets and has to take the brunt of the unkind (or now different as soon as the guest walks out the door) behavior.Thus, you have to swallow the proverbial "chopped liver."
A child cannot be compared to an elderly person. If a child is fighting back, there are discipline problems that the parents need to address. Holding back beatings will cause a child to become unruly. The Word of GOD says to beat our children, which is not abuse, although some have beaten their children while they are mad, and have abused them, which is wrong.
Yes, my Mother acts differently toward my brother and sister. She tells them that she doesn't need help (even though she does), which is just what they want to hear, and then expects me to do what they should be doing. When my sister is around, my Mother acts like a bundle of energy, but when I'm with her, she takes naps a lot, although I'm around her a lot more than they are. But I will take care of my Mother, because I know that I may need someone to take care of me, and it may be soon, GOD only knows. It's important to treat people right.
Hon, all I can tell you is to pick and choose your battles. I am mean too. I tell her to eat, take your meds, take a bath...etc.She reminds me that she is my mother, not the other way around. But we all know this isn't the case any more.
In the early stages of dementia your Mom is trying to hold it together trying to keep a lid on it and she can for short periods of time such as when your siblings visit but can't long term so she lets you have it as her daily caregiver. She knows what she's doing what she's saying she just doesn't care or feels justified to let you have it. The way I choose to deal with it was to sit my mom down and tell her I am here to give you a safe place to live and offer my help to care for you but if you continue to disrespect me make my life miserable I will help you find another place to live for I will not live this way I will not be treated this way end of story. She stormed off and a few days later she came to me saying I don't remember saying any of those things to you but again she did know and remember she was "showboating" for me I told her I understood but the rules remained the same I would not be disrespected. She doesn't say or do those things to me anymore. You have to lay down rules and enforce them you don't have to live that way its your choice. Dementia is a terrible disease but there are parts of it you can manage by taking control. The worst thing you can do is to let the demented person call the shots run the show its not going to be a pretty situation for anyone.
OK, bear all of this in mind and then consider: often medications are decided upon while elders are showboating!
This happened to me. For years, I now realize, my mom has been under-medicated because when we went to her doctor, she became a chic, entertaining, funny-girl with the doctor. I was sitting there gnashing me teeth because she was angry with me 85% of the time--BUT I didn't interrupt and tell the truth of what was REALLY happening.
For that reason, I again want to implore people in trouble with this issue of masking behaviors to go to geriatric doctor and to consider having their loved one "fine tuned " in a senior behavioral clinic. The clinic can REALLY observe the behaviors and fine tune the meds.
Without the clinic, the doctor is relying on what he/she sees (perhaps only the masking) OR on what we tell him/her. But we are not professionals--our observations are not as keen and educated as the pros in the clinics who see elders with dementia, etc. all day every day and have developed a sharp eye and ear for specific problems.
Salisbutry do the patients go to this senior behavioral clinic and stay for a few days or just a 30 min visit my mother would not have gone at all as she doesn't think she has a problem as do most early stage dementia patients and she would not have been medication compliant as she doesn't need medication when there is nothing wrong with her...........not. So for me it worked to set limits and enforce them
The normal stay is 8-10 days. That is how long is takes to fine tune the meds.
I totally get your situation. Yes, you are right. Setting limits is critical--maybe in all of our relationships. But, and here is the sad part, your limit setting will only have an effect for a certain period of time, and then, if her memory deteriorates, and I hope it does not,--but if, then she will simply forget what you have said.
It is the most frustrating thing in the world. My mom's dog ( I called him my baby brother) died because she could not remember my mandates about feeding him. Then she wanted all of our sympathy, of course.
It sounds like you are doing a great job. Keep it up and know that we all support you.
Oh, you all have no idea how much better this makes me feel! I am the only caregiver to my 84 year old mom. She will tell everyone all sorts of bad things about me and my daughters who she will pick monumental fights with (who have since moved out and want nothing to do with her anymore), although I go above and beyond to take care of her. I work full time and take care of the 5 acres we live on. It is "her" house even though I take care of everything, her animals, mowing, house cleaning, taking her to the doctor, etc. Then she will also bad talk my brother's wife to me but act all sweet towards her. It hurts my heart to know how she acts. I finally lost it and told my brother about some of the things she said about his wife because I couldn't take it anymore. I was trying to rehome her aging parrot and she first said it was okay then changed her mind three times. She ended up telling me she didn't care if I never spoke to her again due to her deciding to keep the bird. That hurt my feelings and I told my brother. She never told him that she said that to me. I don't know if I hurt any relationships in my family by telling him this, but I feel that no one cares about how I feel about anything. I feel alone trying to care for her. She had to have 3 pacemaker surgeries within about a month or so because she got an infection in the first one, due in my opinion from cleaning her cats' litter boxes while I was at work and cleaning her birds' cages while the wound was still open. Then she had to have the new one out (she had e coli) with the 30 year old leads, then had to go without a pacer then get a new one put in. She is still in rehab and may come home sometime next month. Now her legs are swollen due to congestive heart failure. She was told to lay down with her feet up, but she refuses and just sits on the side of her bed....it is so very frustrating that she just does the opposite of what she should be doing for her own good, and for the good of others. I am sad that she is like this in the last years she has with us.
I just visited my mom and we had lunch and went to senior fitness fun. I asked her if she has been playing bridge (which she is very good at). No, she said, there are no games, I have no friends, no one comes to get me, no one comes to the games.
As I was leaving I asked the activities director. Turns out, my mom plays bridge every day! Every day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She has nice friends and they go and get her to play bridge. She has a game scheduled for tonight.
It has been exceedingly hard for me to accept that my mom does not have a clue what she is talking about. But I do accept it now.
I echo what everyone else is saying. I find it is because I have to discuss issues with my mom whereas someone breezing in for a day or two never has to deal with the harder things. It is hard not to resent this because she seems to like everyone else better than me, but yet none of those people would do what I do. Like others said, I try to remind myself that it isn't her. I really think if she could see the scene of her yelling at me as a scene in a tv show, she would say, "How dare that woman treat her daughter that way when she is trying so hard to take care of her!" Somehow it helps me to think that. I know when she is at peace in heaven she will know that I loved her, even if she doesn't seem to know it now.
Thank you Salisbury, but my mom doesn't have dementia. I am not sure what it is that has made such a change with her, although my older sister said she was like this when she was growing up. I don't recall seeing it so it makes me sad.
Filly1969: My mom doesn't have dementia. She does appear to have depression. But no matter what, I am convinced it comes from the loss of independence and having to experience so many losses and types of physical decline. I represent all the things she can't do for herself anymore. If she needs my help, she feels like less of a person and resents it.
Coping, I do wholeheartedly agree with you on the loss of independence, it is just hurtful when I am the only person who can help her and she can say such hurtful things to me, then act completely different with my brother, telling him things that are not true about me and my daughters. My oldest daughter was the only one I had to count on to help me with her, although she is still willing to help ME with her, she doesn't look forward to it so I just try not to ask.
She was saying awful things about my brother's wife, they had their first baby and had some developmental issues with her. My mom would tell ME that she felt that his wife was eating the wrong foods, and basically it was HER fault that the baby was not growing properly and complaining about how she cared for the baby. Their doctor was never worried about anything like that so I told her to stop. She wouldn't and it stressed me out even more that I had to tell my brother. I felt at the same time I was "gossiping" about what she was saying and it was hurting my brother. It made me feel that she was trying to pit the siblings against each other and I am completely against things like that.
I have done my best to get her where she wants/needs to go but that is never good enough. I know she would prefer to do it herself but at the same time it is not reality. She was a Nurse's Aid, so all I hear is how she knows that this or that happens when you age, she took care of my grandmother. I have often asked her if she hated taking care of her and she said no. I told her I don't hate taking care of her either but she needs to be more positive because it isn't going to change or help if she is constantly negative. I just don't thrive on negative emotions.
Thank you for your comments, I do appreciate the advice!
I am in the same situation. My mother snaps at me all the time over absolutely nothing. She treats my brothers like they can do no wrong. One of them does nothing to help her at all and here I am taking her everywhere, doing things for her, running errands for her. Her hearing is bad so she misunderstands me alot and then tells me I dais something I didn't. I also don't do well in a negative environment but I am constantly on edge for whatever she is going to attack me for next. You are not alone.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
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Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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I think all caregivers, mom's or children of mom's, need to find a way to allow for some control to be given back while at the same time try to create an environment that helps the one receiving the care feel safe and loved. They they, as caregivers, are not the bad guy setting out to take control. It's the circumstances that cause the loss of control the child/senior craves and the caregiver is simply doing what they have to do in the context of their role. The best advice here is to temper the taking control from the with love, patience and understanding letting them see that this is not your intention. It's for the love of them and wanting to keep them safe and comfortable that you must sometimes appear to be stealing their opportunities to be in control. And be sure to make that feeling of love and commitment to their happiness a reality that they can feel from you. It just might (hopefully) take some of that fight out of them.
If it does not, try to put yourself in their shoes and simply don't fight back. Then give yourself a well deserved reward at the end of the day for being a terrific caregiver!
Then there's "fell" in the first paragraph which should read "feel" and last, but by no means least, I should remember that when I'm thinking and typing I often make small mistakes like those so should always preview my posts carefully BEFORE I press the button!
Hang in there.
Yes, my Mother acts differently toward my brother and sister. She tells them that she doesn't need help (even though she does), which is just what they want to hear, and then expects me to do what they should be doing. When my sister is around, my Mother acts like a bundle of energy, but when I'm with her, she takes naps a lot, although I'm around her a lot more than they are. But I will take care of my Mother, because I know that I may need someone to take care of me, and it may be soon, GOD only knows. It's important to treat people right.
This happened to me. For years, I now realize, my mom has been under-medicated because when we went to her doctor, she became a chic, entertaining, funny-girl with the doctor. I was sitting there gnashing me teeth because she was angry with me 85% of the time--BUT I didn't interrupt and tell the truth of what was REALLY happening.
For that reason, I again want to implore people in trouble with this issue of masking behaviors to go to geriatric doctor and to consider having their loved one "fine tuned " in a senior behavioral clinic. The clinic can REALLY observe the behaviors and fine tune the meds.
Without the clinic, the doctor is relying on what he/she sees (perhaps only the masking) OR on what we tell him/her. But we are not professionals--our observations are not as keen and educated as the pros in the clinics who see elders with dementia, etc. all day every day and have developed a sharp eye and ear for specific problems.
My mom was sent here by the AL and a doctor.
The normal stay is 8-10 days. That is how long is takes to fine tune the meds.
I totally get your situation. Yes, you are right. Setting limits is critical--maybe in all of our relationships. But, and here is the sad part, your limit setting will only have an effect for a certain period of time, and then, if her memory deteriorates, and I hope it does not,--but if, then she will simply forget what you have said.
It is the most frustrating thing in the world. My mom's dog ( I called him my baby brother) died because she could not remember my mandates about feeding him. Then she wanted all of our sympathy, of course.
It sounds like you are doing a great job. Keep it up and know that we all support you.
I just visited my mom and we had lunch and went to senior fitness fun. I asked her if she has been playing bridge (which she is very good at). No, she said, there are no games, I have no friends, no one comes to get me, no one comes to the games.
As I was leaving I asked the activities director. Turns out, my mom plays bridge every day! Every day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She has nice friends and they go and get her to play bridge. She has a game scheduled for tonight.
It has been exceedingly hard for me to accept that my mom does not have a clue what she is talking about. But I do accept it now.
Hang in there, filly1969.
She was saying awful things about my brother's wife, they had their first baby and had some developmental issues with her. My mom would tell ME that she felt that his wife was eating the wrong foods, and basically it was HER fault that the baby was not growing properly and complaining about how she cared for the baby. Their doctor was never worried about anything like that so I told her to stop. She wouldn't and it stressed me out even more that I had to tell my brother. I felt at the same time I was "gossiping" about what she was saying and it was hurting my brother. It made me feel that she was trying to pit the siblings against each other and I am completely against things like that.
I have done my best to get her where she wants/needs to go but that is never good enough. I know she would prefer to do it herself but at the same time it is not reality. She was a Nurse's Aid, so all I hear is how she knows that this or that happens when you age, she took care of my grandmother. I have often asked her if she hated taking care of her and she said no. I told her I don't hate taking care of her either but she needs to be more positive because it isn't going to change or help if she is constantly negative. I just don't thrive on negative emotions.
Thank you for your comments, I do appreciate the advice!