My Mom is scared to die and I don't want to let her go. Any advice?

How brave of you to come forward with this difficult topic! Death is such a difficult thing to talk about and an overwhelming thing to face. You are not alone though.

My ex died of brain cancer in his 50s. He was very afraid after his diagnosis. The hospice workers were amazing. One time when I went to visit him the hospice nurse was there and my ex was feeling especially frightened. She told him that it was not his time yet. She said you are here tonight and you will be here tomorrow. Those words really helped him.

Our kids were devastated by the fact that their Dad was dying and I was too. Although divorced, we were still close. I went to my Minister who is also a hospice Chaplin, he serves all faiths in his hospice work. He helped me a great deal and in turn I was able to help my ex and the kids. He told me to live in the day and see each minute as a blessing.

Even if you are not a religious person there are non denominational clergy who you can go to if you like. Talk about it with anyone you trust and feel comfortable with. I know this...a burden is always lessened when shared

I hope you both find the comfort you need.

Jolene Brackery writes in Creating Moments of Joy:
New found response to "I want to go home"
"When they ask to go home, they might be asking permission to leave
this world.
It should be OK to go home ..."
---
{q} Death is such a difficult thing to talk about and an overwhelming thing to face. You are not alone though. {eq}
My ADW is in late stage terminal Alheimer's Disease. I have engaged a social worker to help me deal with death and dying.
Seek out someone who has experience and talk, talk, talk.

Do you belong to a support group?

Two amazing heartfelt responses. I was going to suggest hospice as well. Hospice workers are gifts from God to help us and our family members transition. I agree with the other two great answers, praying for you & your mom.

Such a very difficult time for you and your Mom. I agree that getting a referral to hospice from your mother's doctor would be very helpful for you both. Mom's doc knows the good ones and is you know people that have gone through the death process ask about their experiences. Sometimes people are left with a tremendous amount of guilty feelings when using hospice to aid with the death process which maybe may occur more often when fanilies are not ready to let go. Hospice will help everybody to deal with feelings of guilt. And people sometimes are able to be stabilized while on hospice so, in effect graduate from hospice, though that is usually not the case. Hospice will help both of you get to the point of acceptance. They will do everything they can to helping to comfort you and keep your Mom comfortable. We all know we will not live forever, and that is more difficult for some than for others. If you are a church goer call them to ask for their assistance. Some churches have support groups to help. And the majority of hospice services also have support groups available. As you have done here, call and ask for help.

I lost my dear SO at the age of 54 last fall and hospice was very helpful in easing that transition for him, which also helped me. He wanted to live to be 100 years old. I will always be grateful to them.

I have to write. I lost my Mother 3/16/15. She was 97 and in so much pain. She was at home, as that is where she wanted to be. She was bed ridden. She was at the point where you couldn't get her to eat much and slept most of the time. About a month before her Minister came and we had a last communion. She said once, "i don't know what to do now". I wasn't sure how to answer and i also discussed it with Hospice. They are so very good. It seemed that she was waiting for that last person to come. She had cried because her middle son hadn't come to see her in over a year. We called and begged him to come. He came and spent 5 min. with her. She still was hanging on. I felt that i should give her my permission again that she could go, and that i was going to miss her, but that i would be ok. Suddenly i remembered that she could be waiting on her sister to come, (92 Yrs old) from Az. On Sun. i told her on Sunday that her sister wouldn't be able to come. I told her that when it was time for her to go 'home', God would let her know, and that I was sure Dad would meet her there at the gate, take her hand and walk with her to where she would be greeted by God. I told her they would probably have a big banquet for her when she got there. She left us Mon. evening and she was so peaceful. She seemed to be on her way there all that day. I really hope that your loved one will be able to go as peacefully as this. And we got the most beautiful sunset that evening, it was though she was telling us that she was there, and everything was all right.God Bless you both.

All I can add are blessings for you and your Mom

I agree that hospice is generally a wonderful route to go. They have chaplains who are aware that there are all kinds of religious beliefs so they work with the patient and family. Also, as suggested, there are clergy or spiritual leaders outside of hospice who are non-denominational.

I saw my uncle reaching for his long-deceases wife as he died. He sensed or saw something there. I encouraged my mom to go meet Dad who was waiting for her.

I do believe it's often easier for those of use with a belief in some sort of spiritual afterlife. But it's nearly always hard to let go, and often people who are dying feel that they are abandoning their loved ones left behind. Assuring your mother that you'll be okay may help her.

Seeking support for both of you is essential. This was a first step. Many of us have been in your shoes. We are with you.

Blessings to your and your mom. Please keep us updated on how your are doing.
Carol

My husband has many health thing s and he can't speak most of his words sound like jibberage to anyone who dose not know him its as if god has taken away all but our unspoken connection he for all perposess should have died last July by the grave of god he lived each day has been like baby steps and he is deeply depressed I try to cheer him up and in courage him to face a mother shared day with me discovering nature and the peace of the earth I tell him now is not your time god has a purpose for you and when that is done he will take you in his arms I am sure its did hearting for you enjoy your bonding TT time and rember her sport will be with you always yes groups will help both of you too much I believe we worry about death as we for get to live for the now I tell my husband I am healthy but a truck could hit me a branch could fall as I walk in the woods and I would be gone and he would still be here saying I am in to a stranger who didn't love him like I do its not just about you death is for all young and old live for today and love as best you can share memoirys and things that made you you

Dying is the last part of living. Sometimes a person has great growth spiritually. I always believe and have shared with patients, God isn't in the business of snatching you away. He is at work in the dying person and their family, to make this last journey.
Please utilize the skills and services of Hospice. I will keep you both in my prayers.

I am sorry about your mom. I hope she goes peacefully

My 94 year old dad just passed away on April 1st. I did not want to let him go either & I understand. I am a Believer of Jesus Christ, and in the Bible, The Lord promises eternal life to those who believe in Him. John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." Eternal life is Heaven for the Believer- the promise that we will see Him & have a wonderful home in Heaven that He has prepared for us (John 14:2). I invite you to read it for yourself and trust in The Lord. I am very sad about the loss of my dad, but this is not the end... I will see him in Heaven- & there is no pain, no more tears & no more dying There (& no more wheelchairs & diapers!!) see Isaiah 65:17-25. Many blessings to you, friend. I will pray for you & I want you to know there is hope.

I need to get help for my mom (97) who is living with me. She has diabetes and frontal lope dementia. As much as I try to care for her it is becoming extremely difficult in my home. She is mostly bedridden and needs someone to do everything for her. She can't walk but she can kick down her bed rails. Tries to stand and falls. She will kick and hit when you try to clean her. Regretfully I would like to have her in a nursing home or facility but don't know how to go about doing this. She only has Medicare and I don't know how I would pay for her care. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thank you.

I just want to share with you the above comments are truly helpful and wise. My mother had made so many plans about her death event, that we did not really have any idea if she was scared. She went quietly in the night with no long lasting illness. But, I did volunteer to take a Veteran to have heart surgery one morning early, and just as I was about to go, he grabbed my hand and was very scared he was going to die..... I looked to the nurses and one told me that it was common for a patient to feel scared.... that he/she would die. As a 74 year old lady myself, I can tell you it is scary to see a parent be scared or vulnerable or hurting. But it is a part of our own growing up to allow our parents to die in as much peace as possible and know that we face a new level in life... without a parent and/or parents. May God bring you strength and peace as you will find your mother has never really left you. My mother is with me at all times.

Take FMLA and spend quality time with her. Allow her to feel however she wishes to feel. When your friends ask what they can do to help, give them chores: shopping, cleaning, etc. Do not try to do it all alone.

My mother is 103, almost 104. I can hardly bear to let her go. It's always been "you and me against the world". My father was gone most of the time traveling or working out of town and having his own "personal" life. I'm an only child. Although I studied with Dr. Raymond Moody "the father of the near death experience", I really don't want to miss her. I know all about the afterlife, but that doesn't make it any easier. It's like having a loved one move to Mars. We know they are fine, but we still long to be with them. There's a famous quote that goes something like this "Death is nothing at all, it's as if I've walked through the door and am in the next room." That gives me the most comfort.

I can relate to your distress and your mom's fear....My good wife is 78, paralyzed on one side and can't speak...cannot stand even with assistance...she longs to be with the Lord and has made it plain through gestures and how she answers my questions that she loves life, but is so impaired that she longs to be in heaven. When she gets blue I remind her of this.. Sometimes I read her Psalm 23 (The Lord is my Shepherd)....
We have no fear of death.

Dad died last August. It was my first experience with the death of a family member, and did not know what to expect. I was always afraid of death, even when I was a young child. What helped me cope with this experience is a) preparedness (dad was in a nursing home for almost 10 years and the nurses informed us that the end was near); my Catholic faith (belief in the ressurection and eternal life) and c) knowing dad would be released from the loneliness and suffering of being confined to a nursing home (it was difficult dividing my time between a part time job, self employment, a mother with Alzheimers who lived with me, and travelling an hour and a half one way to visit dad). I read information on the last stages of the dying process, which could begin even months before the actual death. Mom and I had the privilege of being there the morning of the day he died, and to deal with the helplessness I sat beside him, held his hand and prayed the Divine Mercy chalpet. I had long since resolved my issues with my father, and I can truly say that I loved him. This really helped - there was no complicated grief or guilt. When my and I received the call that afternoon, they asked if we wanted to see the body. At first we said no, but I called my sister and brother, and they wanted to see it, so mom and I agreed to go. I'm glad I did. He looked just as if he were asleep. Being a war veteran, they had a flag covering ceremony at the bedside. Contrary to my expectations, I did not faint, the world did not come to an end, I was not thrown into unbearable grief. I actually felt a sense of release and relief that he was out of his suffering and entering a knew life. There are always things that remind me of him and the tears well up, but knowing that I pre-arranged a dignified funeral service, had mass said for him (although he wasn't a Catholic) and attended the war veteran's annual memorial service gave me some comfort and peace.

Dad was always one who didn't believe in death and didn't want to be around sick people (he just couldn't handle it). Despite his fighting in World War II, I worried that he might be very afraid of his own death. I asked the chaplain to visit him and give him the opportunity to talk about it. When I held his hand the morning before he died, the nurse came is and remarked that he liked that. It was emotionally upsetting that he spoke less and less and eventually was unable to articulate anything at all, so it came down to communication through touch. I kept saying I loved him and he was able to say I love you too. After the Sunnybrook Memorial Service a few months later, the chaplain came up to me, and I asked him if he thought dad was scared; he responded, "No, he was content where he was (spiritually).

Your mother will not die until she is ready to go. Do you know what part of death she is most afraid of? If she is able to do so, it may help her to talk with a chaplain or other spiritual director.

My thoughts are with you and your mother at this difficult transitional time.

The greatest gift we give to our loved ones
is to let them go
when it is their time to go home.

The greatest gift they give to us
is to welcome us home
when it is our time
to join them.

c Donna Guidry

There is something to be said about giving your loved ones permission to go...
I think in every persons life, we have all been afraid of the thought of leaving this world and never seeing anyone again. I definitely was afraid of death, but more importantly I now believe it was because I hated the way I looked at death...often through my mothers eyes. My mothers family had long drawn out and very dramatic funerals....everything was so morbid...including the throwing of themselves on the caskets when saying goodbye for the final time. I hated and feared those moments as a younger person. Twenty years ago, my grandmother had congestive heart failure issues....she was in and out of the hospital for over two years...each time we were told...this is it. My parents moved south during their retirement years so they were rushing up north several times over a 6 month period expecting to ultimately attend a funeral....which kept not happening. One day my dad called me at work and asked me to go down to the nursing home to check in on my grandmother because my aunt just called to say my grandmother was dying. Knowing the history, I drove down thinking nothing was going to happen.....and as I walked into the nursing home I heard people crying out loud. The nurses looked at me and said, you need to be quiet and tell them to be quiet....they are really upsetting everyone. I walked into the room where my grandmother layer in bed...struggling to breath....realizing she wasn't really conscious. My aunts were all sitting around her bed with their heads laying down on the bed sobbing out loud....I told them they needed to leave the room...and calm down. Something came over me....and I knew I needed to help my grandmother die peacefully....and to let go....and stop struggling. I walked up to her and told her I was there...I hugged her and held her in my arms....and I told her thank you for being a wonderful grandmother to me. I said I didn't want her to worry about her family...we would all be ok and she had to go now...so she could be rid of the pain and suffering and be at peace. With that, she took her last breaths...and she died in total peace. I felt a great calmness that came over me...and I realized at that very moment that death is nothing to fear....it is an amazing part of our lives.
Less than one year later, I found myself facing these same challenges again....ironically with my father... I opted to bring him home because I wanted him to die in the comfort of his home.... I am the youngest in,y family, yet I took charge of all medical needs for him at all times during the past year...and during his death.
In the end, he went into a slow deep breathing part of unconsciousness...which was the same thing I saw in my grandmother. I believe subconsciously my father sent me to help my grandmother pass the year prior because he knew I would be the person to help him pass as well. I knew exactly what to do...and again, I was the only person out of 5 adults.....that opted to stay in the room with him every night.. On the last evening, I could see he was struggling to breath...it seemed exhausting...mechanical..... I crawled in bed and laid down on his chest...trying to calm his breathing down. I had a discussion with him...albeit one sided.....and I told him I loved him...he was an incredible father even though I wasn't a perfect daughter.... I told him I would take care of my mother...and she would be ok...I'd make sure of that.....then, I gave him permission to join his parents, siblings, etc.....who had all passed prior to him....as they were waiting for him. Then he opened his eyes with tears...and I knew, this was it. I called for my family and we surrounded the bed to say goodbye as he took his last breath. I thought to myself, this is what true deep love and admiration is for a parent or spouse....to have those you are loved by the most by your side.....as you take your last breath.... What an honor and privilege it is to be allowed to experience this with a parent or loved one.
I learned that Death is something not to fear....it is a time of great peace and calm....and I felt honored to help both my grandmother and father in dying peacefully.....I equate it to the same feelings I had when giving birth to my three children...... Death is not the end...our souls and memories will be together eternally. I can honestly say, I have spent time with both of them...since they passed.....in a dream or two....and I felt their skin, smelled them, saw them....and experienced all the same things as if they were physically with me.
Please tell your mother that you know, no matter what, that you will be fine in life...and rest assure that you will be fine.. I believe your mother fears leaving because you fear her leaving you... Know that you still will always be together spiritually.....and trust that thought because I can assure you that this is true....you are tied together forever. As they say, true love is knowing when to let go....

Thank you to all who have cared and sent these beautiful messages.I should have said that Mother has been on Hospice now 2 tears and 9 months.We have a Hospice chaplain that comes once a month but that is it.Thank you for your input.

carol ,
i dont have much of a belief system . on my death bed ill probably clamor for a sump pump and some worm repellant .

erthacarm, that was a really wonderful post. You are such a spiritual person and very in touch with your inner self. Thank you for sharing.

Wow, i love all these answers. A similar thing is happening with my mom. She's 90 and sleeps most of the time, rarely eats, but she also has her good days from time to time. On many occasions she's told me how afraid she is of death. Her main concern is leaving me. I've told her that I'm at a point of acceptance now and that I'll be fine. She says she doesn't want to leave me behind, but I'm trying to convince her that she NEVER will leave me, she'll always be with me (which I truly believe). Lately she's said that many of her loved ones who have already departed are with her : her parents, her sisters and my sister (who died a year before I was born). I affirm this - I don't think she's "crazy" or having hallucinations, I believe they're coming to be with her to comfort her and get her ready for the journey of transition. This is such a hard time for me, but I thank God we have hospice care so she can be at home. Like I said, I think I've come to terms with the fact that she'll be leaving soon, but I know I'll be heartbroken when it happens.

If you think that a nursing home or a hospice is the best place for your parents to die you are a fool. No matter what others say or what you read about these evil places. They all have animals living there. I lost my grandmother at the hands of animals in a nursing home two years ago. I have an injury in my spine and I had to check on her everyday because these animals were not giving her all her medicines. They were not helping her to the bathroom. They were not even giving her water or heat in her room. In fact it was so cold that I had to bring extra blankets for her and a hat to put on her hat. The nursing home refused to move her into another room. So there you go. If you hate your parents then you can drop them in a nursing home or hospice. A lot of these killers ( I work in the health field myself, but not in a nursing home ) who work in a nursing home will say that they are the best. Sure. Go ahead. I once met a lady in my neighborhood who told me she once had a big family and the only thing that she feels about good is that they all tied together in the family, not in a nursing home. Have you ever spend time in a nursing home or hospice? The patients feel abandoned in those places. So go ahead. Leave your parents there and you will feel guilty for the rest of your life. All these people care about is money because they rip off insurance companies with hundreds of dollars everyday. I took care of my grandmother with all my heart for 35 years. I never raised a family because I was spending all my time with her and taking care of her like a baby. It was work and I do not regret it. The only thing I regret is that we sent her to a nursing home where she died from so much indifference, discrimination for being old, negligence, etc. So does that answer your question? Nursing homes and hospices are a fraud.

When we stop breathing, we return to the state we were in just before we started breathing, pain free, worry free, all of our needs met. In this life we started out in the form as a seed (egg) and when the conditions were there (sperm) the egg changed into an embryo. When the conditions were ready we started breathing as a "human baby." Pretty soon our form became an "adult." We have continually changed from one form to the next in line. When the human body quits working it changes form again. The flower in our garden was not always blooming. It started as a tiny seed. And when the conditions were right (water, soil, sunshine etc) it changed from a seed to a plant, then next to a bud which then changed to a bloom etc. After the flower fed the bees or whatever purpose it had, it changed form again, and one day we looked in the garden and it was gone. At least to our eyes it seemed gone. Actually however, It changed into minerals in the soil which would become food for next year's seed to grow in. Nothing "dies." On and on. Did you see the movie about the little lion cub growing up, remember the song named, "Circle of Life?" The old father lion was always teaching the cub until one day, the cub had grown up and he learned that the father was no longer breathing. The "cub" was sad. But he had become ready to become a Father Lion. And the circle goes on. Does my story help anybody see "life" and "death" any differently? I hope so. My own journey in learning has been a slow and painful one. I know how it feels.

Based on the above responses, it seems that the person's mother is facing death in the near future. If so, all I can add (even having worked as a hospice counselor) is that a good hospice program is more helpful than you can possibly imagine. However, my mother & now I, have faced this issue long before death is imminent. When my mother's mother reached age 60 she began begging my mom to "promise you'll never put me in a nursing home" and continued to pressure Mom with many fears and much vulnerability until her eventual death at age 94! During that time Mom struggled tremendously to offer Grandma comfort, reassurance, etc. to no avail. This created additional strain in an already "difficult" relationship between them. Now That my mom is 81 (& to be honest, for 15+ years now), I'm facing my own version of that struggle. I have a close relationship with her & I'm very grateful for that. The grief I'll feel when she dies will be much simpler to deal with. Sadly, my mom faced a "crisis of faith" over 30 years ago. The spiritual strength that could be comforting her now as she & my Dad get older is no longer available to her. It's not something I've been able to help her with (despite great effort on my part). She's incredibly vulnerable & "needy" and I'm often left feeling helpless & frustrated.
I share this because some people may be addressing the issue of a parent's fear of death for many years before the death occurs. My experience in hospice has been a tremendous help when it comes to anticipating the loss of my parents---and with the issue of my own & my husband's mortality (we're now 57 & 65). I would definitely recommend to others like myself that learning the things hospice taught me can be helpful. Being emotionally present to a loved one's fear but maintaining sufficient "distance" so that you don't internalize your parent's pain is a very tricky "balancing act". Seek out support and/or counseling if you are in that position!

Raindrop with I believe answer 16...what a beautiful answer..I'm 93 and waiting to go home to/with the Lord...that's the answer..Heaven .. but the trip CAN be SO long

Comment on JudyMendes reply ... Especially when in a situation where there is 'no longer' a connection between your loved one and GOD..all you can do is turn them completely over to GOD..If they once believed and accepted HIM as their LORD and SAVIOUR, HE will bring them back....Trust HIM, yourself.

Charlie97 .. How beautiful!! Just love her...(as the saying goes"love her to death" I'm 93 and have always said..I know WHERE I'm going..I'm just having a few problems with the journey. God BLESS you

You know for me, it was extremely difficult. I lived in Maryland and my mom lived in Massachusetts. She lived alone in her own home, was 94 and was legally blind from macular degeneration. I was dreading that middle of the night phone call from the doctor informing me that she was deceased. The way it worked out, though, was unique. My husband and I had to make a split second decision that I would live there as her blood pressure readings were running 60/40. I lived with her, in her home, from 8/30/13 till 2/19/14. Sadly she passed from a stroke that she suffered on 1/9/14, passing away on 1/24/14. My brother could only do his "stint" of living with her for a week, at best. He lives in California. Here is where "God's good timing" comes in. Both of our Mom's adult kids (my brother and I) were at her house when the nursing home (the same one who said to her "you're too well to stay here") called us informing us of the stroke. She could not speak, walk nor consume food ever again. But she said goodbye to me with a solitary tear than ran down her cheek. Prior to the stroke, she would inform me "it won't be much longer," predicting get own demise!