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We are a hurting pair. Who or what could help us?

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From experience of losing my dad almost three years ago I'm with you in thoughts and prayers! My dad was a Christian and Messenger of God yet he was fearful of hip replacement surgery which I feel contributed to his eventual death! He was under Hospice care and the chaplain was very supportive! Strong pain medication helped his severe pain! Nearing his death at age 90 I encouraged mom to release him! She just couldn't turn loose! I was with him the last few nights but had come home for a brief rest! Receiving a call he'd gotten worse after asking God to please take him home I arrived there to see him struggling! His caregiver, pastor & wife, mom and I joined hands for prayer! Placing my hand on dad's shoulder I told him softly "it's okay dad for you to leave us and go be with your younger son in heaven! I'll take good care of Mom and she'll be fine!" He looked up at me and quit fighting! He left knowing mom would be cared for and I felt his spirit go up to heaven! I felt such peace knowing his pain was gone and he was now rejoicing with my brother!
I still miss the joyful dad I'd known before his illness and cherish those memories! I now see that mom is cared for as I'd promised him! She's also in Hospice care suffering from cancer!
I'm praying your husband's a Christian and you can release him from fear he most likely suffers from knowing he'll no longer be there for you and his children!
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In my own opinion, the only way you will get through this is if you have some sort of religious belief. But if you are not a believer in something and you can deal with it that's fine. This is no small task. And it does not go away overnight when the time comes on the ones left behind. But it is possible to enjoy life again after she goes.
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I think my daughter in law will be perched in some tree waiting for the stretcher to leave the house, so she can pounce in & take over, even though she married my son the house was the priority.........so I intend to live to 100.
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Losing our parents is the natural order of life. With life, comes death-it happens to all living things. The circle of life continues. It's not easy losing a parent. My mom died 10 years ago at the age of 64. To soon in my opinion, and I'd love to have her back, however I wouldn't want her back if she had to be ill or in pain. It was her time to go and our loss to go through. I still miss her, I don't think that changes but the 'rawness' of the loss changes over time. Hospice is a great service, they can help both you and your mom to deal with her impending death. Enjoy what time you have left instead of worrying about the loss, you can never get this time back. I can understand how you feel, everything has it's time. Love her while you still have her, once she is gone you will have all the memories of a life time to help you get through a difficult time.
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Do you know a pastor that you two could talk with?
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Raindrop - that was a beautifully written tribute to your mother, and your experience with her passing. Blessings to both you and luckylu as she deals with the imminent passing of her mother, and prayers that her passing will be as peaceful as yours. God Bless!
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Dying to be born…

I’m going to ask you to use your imagination here and do a bit of visualizing. Think of a baby, nestled safely in its mothers womb, and if you are a mother this should be a bit easier for you. It has been there for all of its life, floating in a nice warm environment, being cared for and unaware of another world outside of the womb. And then all of a sudden things start happening, the birthing process begins….

Now we come to our life. We have been on this planet for all of our life, living in an environment we feel safe in, (most of the time), our Father caring for us, (if we let Him), aware of our mortality but denying it most of the time, basically we are comfortable, and then things start happening, the dying process begins…

The birthing process can be quick, or it can take hours. The dying process can be quick, or it can take years. The end results are always the same, we are born and we die.

I imagine the birthing process must be quite traumatic for a baby, going from a world it knows to a world it has no concept of, just like the process of dying. We are going to a place we have no concept of, so naturally we are scared.

But when being born and when dying, we are taken out of a world we know, we enter the unknown and we are immediately comforted by our loving Mother / Father. It doesn’t matter what the environment is like, the fact that we are being held and comforted by someone who loves us unconditionally is all that matters.

So when a loved one passes from our world to the next, to continue their journey, know that our loving Father is waiting with open arms, to comfort them, welcome them and introduce them to a new life.

Credit: cocreateyourlife.wordpress/2010/06/14/dying-to-be-born/
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I would suggest reading to your mother excerpts from In Conversations with God by Francis Fernandez a very insightful & comforting book [there are 7 volumes] with daily uplifting thoughts. They helped me cope & I'm a mess. God keep you both close.
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OH! The answers posted are wonderful here! So beautifully said! Thank you!
I've worked hospice. It's always hard, at best. We sure don't like to let go of a dearly loved person--we miss them terribly. But death is inevitable, and nothing anyone does, can prevent its eventuality.
Death is part of life. We need to re-learn to celebrate it as a transition, as the person is birthed into their next level of existence. The body is like a suit of clothes we throw off of our spirit when the body cannot go-on anymore...but the spirit is forever; if we listen, if we feel for it, it's still there with us. Not trying to be any sort of religious here..only sharing what I believe, and what I've experienced.
Someone can hold strong beliefs for a long lifetime, yet when faced with their own death, forget that, and worry that maybe their beliefs were wrong. For those, it's important to help them remember and trust the spiritual beliefs they've held a lifetime; let them know they have people waiting for them in unconditional love; give them your permission to go when the time comes, when they may falter or be side-tracked by their pain levels. If ever there were a time to pull out the beliefs and practices of the dying person, it's at these moments. This journey is theirs, no one else's at that moment. If gratitude and forgiveness are needed, this is a good time. Even until the last breath, we can speak to them, conscious or not: the sense of hearing is the very last to go--it's the 1st sense we develop in the womb, and the last sense to shut down upon death of the body.
We can be supportive of their journey, but cannot go with them in the moment. Then we must be gentle with ourselves and each other, supportive of each other, in our journey for the rest of our lives, until it's our turn.
We can bless them on their way, and remind ourselves that they are still with us, just in a different way. We can talk with them in our hearts, and share our lives with them still, just in a different way.
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Help2014... So glad to read your post. I am also a believer in Jesus Christ. We believe that He came to earth to die for our sins, and welcomes all who come to Him, no matter what religion or lack of, your background is. He offers us a relationship with God the Father thru Him as His Son, not a religion of do's & don'ts, and give all who come to Him everlasting life, and freedom from the fear of death. That's why He came, to die in our place. My own Dad was agnostic when he was dying from cancer in 1998. I know he also feared death, but was also stubborn about accepting Jesus. Towards the end - he let me pray for him, and read passages from the Bible to him - Psalm 107 was one the Lord gave me for him. I believe Dad finally did make his peace with Him just before he passed, in his own way, as he did hear the Gospel. He died with a peacful & joyful looking smile on his dear face. It's easy to ignore the Lord during life or angrilly deny His existance - people do it for all kinds of reasons. But when you are staring Death in its fearful face, it is another matter to fear what's on the other side. If you are willing to do so, try reading some psalms or about the resurrection of Jesus in the gospel of John, as He conquered death - the enemy of mankind. He promises that all who come to Him - he will in no wise cast out. He is the Prince of Peace - give Him a try. I daresay, both you & your Mom will find peace... I will pray for you both.
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Your post has been in the back of my mind all day. I wish I had something better to tell you. When my big Sis passed, the last thing she said to me, is "I don't want to go", and "oh I am soooo sorry".

After she left, I had this dream, the 2 of us were on a road trip. We went under the earth into the sea. We took a break. Each of us were assigned a magical 10' long Orca. We bedded down for the night on some rocks, sea side. We were told the "Orcas" could get us anything we wanted. I went out into some calm water and played ball with mine. He/she? kept me warm while I slept after that. In the morning, we went on a "flight". We went to a "park", that had 3' tall creatures, that spoke to us without speaking. They were really nice, and really glad to see us. They had animals that we don't know about, and when we told them of previous pet dogs, they were very interested, and wanted to know more. We left the "park" and went back to the skies. That is when I realized, me and Sis were not "on a trip together". She had planned it, taken ME on a trip. I looked down as we flew, the mountains were so beautiful, the wild flowers below were in such color, the sea water was soo blue, nothing like we know here could ever be sooo beautiful. Then I finally understood, and I said, "oh, you are responsible for this?". She nodded. I said, "is this where you live?", she nodded again.

I woke, because I fell from the sky to my bed.

If it will help, print this and keep it, read it to your Mom. It was beautiful there.

:-) God Bless you both.

Teri
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Lucylu, for me know what to expect made things easier and hospuce helped me with that. During the last 2 weeks if my moms life I could not tell her it was ok to go. I took each step with her in the dying process. 3 days from the end I was able to tell her pretty soon she would meet jesus, that her mom, dad and disters would be waiting for her. 5 mins before she died i was able to tell her it was time to move to a better place for her, that we would all be ok, that we would take care if dad. That she would have a wonderful journey, we all loved her and she would be forever in our hearts and it was ok to go, everyone was waiting for her. My mother passed with me laying on one side of her, my children on the other and the rest of the family at her bedside. It was the most peaceful, pain free wonderful passing. More then I had prayed for. You start telling your mom you know she has to go and you will be ok. You will be sad but happy that she is in a better place. You live her and she will always be in your heart. My prayers go out to you and your mom.
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Well then, I'm screwed!
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The way to rejoin in this ultimate death and the fear of it, is through the knowledge and acceptance of Christ. I say knowledge and acceptance because these are the most vital and critical factors in our journey to the after life. If you are not willing then maybe someone else can help. But this is what I know.i lost my mother many years ago and I did not and do not worry about her. She told me way before her death that I too would see Jesus. What she did not explain was that I needed to know who He is and this why I am passing on the message with a little more assurance.
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Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light
-Dylan Thomas

We only part to meet again, tho mighty boundless waves may sever.
Remembrance oft shall bring thee nearer and I will with you go forever.
-some attribute to Edgar Allen Poe

I am terrified of dying. I think all your answers are amazing!!!! Thank you.
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I'm sorry for your loss friendlykarl. I know with all things in life there is good and bad. Your grandmother happened to be in a bad one. It's really hard to see someone not being taken care of. In my mom's case....Alzheimer's, we happened to find a wonderful place that had wonderful, thoughtful and caring caregivers. I do hope that you were able to prove negligence, report the facility to the city/state and get some satisfaction for yourself AND your grandmother. Again, sorry for your loss.
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I give all of you hugs. BIG hugs. What we are all going through is very hard and to have to discuss death with the infirmed is even harder. I take care of my dad 92 1/2, my mom is in Alz/dementia facility and I had to help my niece make a terrible decision about her mom-my sister 2 years ago. Living through losing my sister was something I wouldn't wish on anyone but I know I will have to go through the same with mom and dad. We all know that death is a part of life but it doesn't make it any easier to lose someone you are close to and love dearly. We had hospice with my FIL and they were wonderful. My mom's hospice aide and nurse are wonderful. I would agree with all to bring in hospice or clergy to help you and your mom in this time of need. God Bless and Good Luck
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Wonderful answer raindrop.
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We all die. I believe that at this stage in my life.......I must prepare to show my children how to die with grace and faith. My husband exhibited awesome faith and strength and courage throughout his excruciatingly painful cancer. He taught me and our children how to die - a hero.
My MIL and her dementia is teaching me.......... how I don't want to die. I know we don't have a choice but I ask the good Lord every day for a gentle passing. I don't want to burden the kids with dementia - ugh. And at the rate she is going, MIL will outlive me anyway. I'm not a fan of long drawn out zero quality living and I am not so stubborn to want to stay here. I will be too excited to meet my awesome husband on the other side to linger.
Hopefully. I better write that again.............hopefully.
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I feel I must compliment Raindrop on such a wonderful and sweet answer to luckylu's question. I do agree having Spiritual belief eases the pain of having to let go. Your Mom was so Blessed to have You for Her Daughter, and to care for Her with so much love.
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I have recently put my mamma who has end stage dementia under hospice care. What an awesome Team she has. Long story short during her psych admission to the hospital she had a few lucid minutes. She said she was so tired of trying to remember what is not there. That she had been fighting "it " tooth and nail but she thought it was time. I had the dreaded talk with her and told her daddy was waiting on her and it was ok to quit fighting "it". After her return to memory care and hospice admission things have been easier. She is not as agitated and since I have opted for comfort -care - no more terrifying labs or scans. Hospice will make sure she will transition as easy as possible. What a blessing to have the hospice team during these difficult decisions.
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I don't want to preach, but if your mother and you were Christians, death would not have you in fear. I am in no hurry to die, but I know when I die, I will be in a better place with a lot of people I look forward to seeing again. I want to thank Jesus for what He went through to (if you will excuse the statement) to pay for my ticket. I hope my first husband is there. I know my second husband is and I am sure he is full of stories to tell everyone. Heaven is not going to be boring.
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I don't want to preach, but if your mother and you were Christians, death would not have in in fear. I am in no hurry to die, but I know when I die, I will be in a better place with a lot of people I look forward to seeing again. I want to thank Jesus for what He went through to (if you will excuse the statement) to pay for my ticket. I hope my first husband is there. I know my second husband is and I am sure he is full of stories to tell everyone. Heaven is not going to be boring.
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You know for me, it was extremely difficult. I lived in Maryland and my mom lived in Massachusetts. She lived alone in her own home, was 94 and was legally blind from macular degeneration. I was dreading that middle of the night phone call from the doctor informing me that she was deceased. The way it worked out, though, was unique. My husband and I had to make a split second decision that I would live there as her blood pressure readings were running 60/40. I lived with her, in her home, from 8/30/13 till 2/19/14. Sadly she passed from a stroke that she suffered on 1/9/14, passing away on 1/24/14. My brother could only do his "stint" of living with her for a week, at best. He lives in California. Here is where "God's good timing" comes in. Both of our Mom's adult kids (my brother and I) were at her house when the nursing home (the same one who said to her "you're too well to stay here") called us informing us of the stroke. She could not speak, walk nor consume food ever again. But she said goodbye to me with a solitary tear than ran down her cheek. Prior to the stroke, she would inform me "it won't be much longer," predicting get own demise!
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Charlie97 .. How beautiful!! Just love her...(as the saying goes"love her to death" I'm 93 and have always said..I know WHERE I'm going..I'm just having a few problems with the journey. God BLESS you
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Comment on JudyMendes reply ... Especially when in a situation where there is 'no longer' a connection between your loved one and GOD..all you can do is turn them completely over to GOD..If they once believed and accepted HIM as their LORD and SAVIOUR, HE will bring them back....Trust HIM, yourself.
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Raindrop with I believe answer 16...what a beautiful answer..I'm 93 and waiting to go home to/with the Lord...that's the answer..Heaven .. but the trip CAN be SO long
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Based on the above responses, it seems that the person's mother is facing death in the near future. If so, all I can add (even having worked as a hospice counselor) is that a good hospice program is more helpful than you can possibly imagine. However, my mother & now I, have faced this issue long before death is imminent. When my mother's mother reached age 60 she began begging my mom to "promise you'll never put me in a nursing home" and continued to pressure Mom with many fears and much vulnerability until her eventual death at age 94! During that time Mom struggled tremendously to offer Grandma comfort, reassurance, etc. to no avail. This created additional strain in an already "difficult" relationship between them. Now That my mom is 81 (& to be honest, for 15+ years now), I'm facing my own version of that struggle. I have a close relationship with her & I'm very grateful for that. The grief I'll feel when she dies will be much simpler to deal with. Sadly, my mom faced a "crisis of faith" over 30 years ago. The spiritual strength that could be comforting her now as she & my Dad get older is no longer available to her. It's not something I've been able to help her with (despite great effort on my part). She's incredibly vulnerable & "needy" and I'm often left feeling helpless & frustrated.
I share this because some people may be addressing the issue of a parent's fear of death for many years before the death occurs. My experience in hospice has been a tremendous help when it comes to anticipating the loss of my parents---and with the issue of my own & my husband's mortality (we're now 57 & 65). I would definitely recommend to others like myself that learning the things hospice taught me can be helpful. Being emotionally present to a loved one's fear but maintaining sufficient "distance" so that you don't internalize your parent's pain is a very tricky "balancing act". Seek out support and/or counseling if you are in that position!
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When we stop breathing, we return to the state we were in just before we started breathing, pain free, worry free, all of our needs met. In this life we started out in the form as a seed (egg) and when the conditions were there (sperm) the egg changed into an embryo. When the conditions were ready we started breathing as a "human baby." Pretty soon our form became an "adult." We have continually changed from one form to the next in line. When the human body quits working it changes form again. The flower in our garden was not always blooming. It started as a tiny seed. And when the conditions were right (water, soil, sunshine etc) it changed from a seed to a plant, then next to a bud which then changed to a bloom etc. After the flower fed the bees or whatever purpose it had, it changed form again, and one day we looked in the garden and it was gone. At least to our eyes it seemed gone. Actually however, It changed into minerals in the soil which would become food for next year's seed to grow in. Nothing "dies." On and on. Did you see the movie about the little lion cub growing up, remember the song named, "Circle of Life?" The old father lion was always teaching the cub until one day, the cub had grown up and he learned that the father was no longer breathing. The "cub" was sad. But he had become ready to become a Father Lion. And the circle goes on. Does my story help anybody see "life" and "death" any differently? I hope so. My own journey in learning has been a slow and painful one. I know how it feels.
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If you think that a nursing home or a hospice is the best place for your parents to die you are a fool. No matter what others say or what you read about these evil places. They all have animals living there. I lost my grandmother at the hands of animals in a nursing home two years ago. I have an injury in my spine and I had to check on her everyday because these animals were not giving her all her medicines. They were not helping her to the bathroom. They were not even giving her water or heat in her room. In fact it was so cold that I had to bring extra blankets for her and a hat to put on her hat. The nursing home refused to move her into another room. So there you go. If you hate your parents then you can drop them in a nursing home or hospice. A lot of these killers ( I work in the health field myself, but not in a nursing home ) who work in a nursing home will say that they are the best. Sure. Go ahead. I once met a lady in my neighborhood who told me she once had a big family and the only thing that she feels about good is that they all tied together in the family, not in a nursing home. Have you ever spend time in a nursing home or hospice? The patients feel abandoned in those places. So go ahead. Leave your parents there and you will feel guilty for the rest of your life. All these people care about is money because they rip off insurance companies with hundreds of dollars everyday. I took care of my grandmother with all my heart for 35 years. I never raised a family because I was spending all my time with her and taking care of her like a baby. It was work and I do not regret it. The only thing I regret is that we sent her to a nursing home where she died from so much indifference, discrimination for being old, negligence, etc. So does that answer your question? Nursing homes and hospices are a fraud.
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