Mom has lost all confidence being left alone again after living with my sister for 6 months. Any advice?

Go up there and see for yourself. Falls with injury are a red flag. It is very possible she needs Assisted Living. If that makes her feel safer, let her do it.

Assisted living seems like a good option. It will give her a chance to find out what she can do, with a lot of support. If she is anxious around your sister, going to "neutral" grounds might be a good choice. Would she prefer Southern or Northern climate?

Don't frame this as a "rescue". When you say your sister "refuses" your phone calls, do you mean that she doesn't pick up, doesn't return them, or what?

What are mom's impairments, from a doctor's point of view? Is she safe being alone? Was she attempting to pack up her house alone? At 85? Doesn't seem like good judgement, if she was.

Talk to your sister and try to get an agreement from all involved to get mom a thorough evaluation of her physical, cognitive and mental health so that you can make a reasonable and safe plan, going forward.

Your sister may be right. Go up there and assess the situation yourself.

All of the moving around that she's done could be confusing for her. It seems as though assisted living may be the answer. She's afraid for a reason - the fall is, as was said, a red flag. With a familiar environment and people around she may regain some sense of confidence. If you can, try to visit so that you have a better feel for what is going on.

We'd love to have you update us when you can,
Carol

At 85, your mother is probably hiding at least one worrisome development from you -- driving snafus, checkbook mix-ups, secret falls, etc. If you are thinking, "not my mom," keep reading this forum.

AL sounds ideal. Mom can fly solo to the degree that she wants, but has support at the ready. And she can reach out for that support without the "help me but don't tell me what to do" stalemate that most elderly parents foist on their adult children.

You are at a crossroads here. Mom is probably not just "acting out." Babalou's advice is a perfect start.

Also, not to sound harsh, but you need to deal with what IS. Not what mom was or wasn't 1 year ago or 10 years ago. And not what you wish mom was. These are hard years. Keep your eyes wide open.

Hi, Snowbird7, good for you for looking for input, I'm confused about your description, that your mom had tried an independent living community "close by". That sounds good also - did she like it? Do you mean close to you?

Wherever she does live now, it would be good to be close by to one of her children. Visiting for her going out, gets harder with age, and it's very nice for mom if she lives near one of her children, so that regular visits are simpler and easier, so family stays in touch and are there to see when she needs help.

You say she has been staying with your family for the last 7 months - is that not what your sister is suggesting? Maybe you have different ideas mostly in the specific labels and ideas about independence, but in reality, you are both concerned and want to see that she has both help and family nearby.

It's really hard to have conversations among adult siblings about care - lifestyle differences, perceptions of status in the world and in the family, ages, different memories and ideas about care, different outside support systems for each sibling. If you can contact your sibling and actually demand a conversation, find some way, even email, that you both list your ideas of what your mom needs, and talk for maybe 2 scheduled times without your mom present, to compare and share, it can show your understanding of the need to work with your sister now, Come up with some ideas and start to explore real options Those may help to come up with some kind of plan, and you will both value each others efforts and your mom will value those as well..

Getting along with your sister would help your mom, it is disconcerting for parents to see their children unable to work together. That's how it goes when moms age, and I've seen it good in the end, as the process makes adult siblings have to deal with each other, even if it's really difficult in so many families.

It took me years to deal with my brothers. But it mattered. Most moms really feel better when they see that their children will be good to each other and find ways to work well together. You are lucky to have 2 sisters in the family, who both want to be involved in her care - if you have other sibs, it could be good to try to talk with them too, about a difficult situation which will have losses and changes, just not easy to plan, when we are not sure when they'll come. All best wishes!

In my mother's case, her mental condition deteriorated when she moved away from home. I didn't realize just how dependent she'd become on her daily "routines" -- doing everything exactly in the same way, knowing exactly where everything was stored -- and didn't realize the extent to which her mild dementia had taken hold. Simply moving her to another environment was very confusing to her. She calls me almost every day, saying she'd lost something (or maybe someone took it -- mild paranoia). My point is, that her mental condition may be worse than you realize -- simply because she's no longer in her home. Many of the other comments here ring true with my own experience. (This is a good site!) In my mom's case, I'm hopeful that over time, her new environment will become familiar to her, she'll develop new routines, and be less stressed -- and much of her mental ability will come back to her. Pre-move, she read books daily and we'd have normal in-depth discussions about them. Post-move, she won't even pick up a book -- says she has too much on her mind and can't concentrate. I didn't realize the depth of her mental problems until I started going through things in her house, finding unanswered mail, important documents "filed" all over the place, and other signs that she'd lost her grip on things. I hope your mom finds a good place to live, where her needs can be looked after, and where she can feel safe and comfortable.

It's important for us to remember that CHANGE means LEARNING. And learning is something that is increasingly difficult/stressful and, eventually, impossible for people who have brain disease -- which is what dementia is. It is NOT just loss of memory, it affects everything that the brain affects...which is everything. So, every time one CHANGES HOME ENVIRONMENT, remembering/learning has to occur. If you've ever had a vacation home or even spent 2-3 weeks getting around in someone else's kitchen, you know that "re-entry" when you return home can mean saying, "now where did I put that" or "I KNOW I bought a new bottle of ketchup" because -- even for just a few seconds -- one is re-adapting to the "new" environment: learning/remembering.

In my own experience, and I don't have dementia (I hope!) this gets harder and harder to do with age, but it happened to me at 35 when we had a ski place. Every winter I had to learn/remember what I had there and where I'd put it! And then I could be positive that I had just bought 2 cans of tomatoes, but they were not in my home pantry when I looked.

For this reason, I don't think moving Mom from one sister's home to the other every six months is a good idea AT ALL. Whether she lives permanently with one of her children or in an Assisted Living facility near one of them, I think you are all going to have to face up to the fact that it will be YOU that does the "moving", back and forth to visit her as your own lives and circumstances permit. Just as you did when she was living independently in her own home.

The prospect of packing up (!) and physically moving out of her own home after she has had weeks of living with family and being looked after/waited on/assisted would, in my view, be overwhelming -- especially at 85 and having already suffered a fall. Your Mom is frightened and -- trust me -- it's GOOD that she is feeling she shouldn't be alone! This forum gets so many posts from children who are beside themselves because parents who CANNOT take proper care of themselves are refusing/resisting moving to some other situation. One can empathize with those parents too. However, I think there is no question that the greatest gift parents can give to their children is to make the decision to move to a safer, more assisted environment -- preferably BEFORE they must, but certainly at such time as there begin to be falls, difficulty managing medications, paying bills, etc.

Being 85 or 90 or even older does not equal dementia, but dementia IS age related so all the advice about Mom having a thorough neurological and physical work up is excellent. If there's any way for you to be present during those examinations, I would recommend it -- at least get whoever is present to have Mom sign the necessary consent forms (HIPA privacy laws) that will permit the doctor to share information about your Mom/his or her patient with whomever she has authorized -- hopefully ALL her children.

My last word is to all the children of parents who you worry about: make sure that you make all the preparations (Will, Durable Power of Attorney, Desire for a Natural Death, financial, etc.) AND that you promise yourselves and your children NOW that you will be brave enough and loving enough to not put your own children in the place you are in right now. Rather, decide now -- before you have to -- that you WILL leave your "own" home but a new home, that will also make YOURS, in a place that provides for your own safety and needs better than any of us can provide for them at some point in our lives. Or at least, for heaven's sake, DON'T make them promise they will "never put me in a home"! That is SO unfair; please don't burden your children with promises that no one should ever make! And those of you who are caring for a spouse -- and have learned the very hard way what is necessary to care for someone who is ill...have you made arrangements and decisions for YOURSELF so that your children will not have to? The time to control our own future is NOW...in our own present. Angels watch over you, Snowbird711, and all of us as we "age" with "care"! Lolli

If ever there were two siblings who have had a life-long, dysfunctional, contenscious, adversarial relationship- it's me and my brother. Yet 5+ years ago when our parents crisised at the same time we consciously decided to put that aside to work together to help our parents. It hasn't been easy and there have certainly been bumps in the road - but if we can do it, anyone else can. It's "give and take" - compromise- but it can be done. Fix things with your sister and together work to figure out what's best for your mom.

Maybe your Mom found it very lonely at that independent living place? If so, this could be an influence on her being so ready to be classified as "can't be left alone."

My sister tried to keep my mom from talking to me. She had a plan for her that didn't include what my mom wanted or needed or what I thought was in her best interest. I got a lawyer from Legal aid to call her. additionally, I am 75 living alone and have fallen three times and no one is going to put me anywhere I don't want to be. It was not a red flag. I am not demented or need to be treated like a child as some of these comments seem to imply. I just needed a little problem solving. It is important that you be able to talk to your mother without your sister there. By the way, I just love all the "tough love comments" So kind of everyone to try to try to shock you into reality - to accept how it is instead of how you want it to be or how it used to be. How patronizing.

I don't think moving Mom from one sister's home to the other every six months is a good idea AT ALL.

I agree with the statement wholeheartedly. Let the kids do the traveling. I have noticed most GOOD A.L. places will allow you to visit wheenever reasonable, and if you are young and adaptable enough, you could even stay in her room, for a night, within reason. A lot of A.L. places have a room that family can rent with advance notice in order to visit from out of town. Give your mom a frame of reference that doesn't change.... home... a new one, and she will constantly have someone available, right outside her door.

Age 85...i agree with Blackhole...it would be easier moving her to AL now than wait till she has to ..Sounds like you and your siblings don't live closeby so the constant moving would confuse her. Think of how the transition with doctors, friends , routines would be better if she was one location. ... I have 3 siblings, and my dad stayed living near me, and they were wonderful to each come down 2+ times a year to give me a break and to visit our dad. He never thought it enough, but thats because he loved us so....i just kept reminding myself that this was not forever and remembered how he loved and provided for all of us. Now it is our time. The secret is my SIBLINGS were GREAT. We had monthly conference calls for me to update our dad, and how they could help...The girls handled all the medical/ care/ finding a AL...and the boys took care of my dad's finances to pay for it. .Your mom needs to feel loved, safe, and valued.....and one sibling has to be totally in charge...and since i was the main person living near him, a sibling took on the role of "the bad guy" when my dad was asked to do something he didn't want.That way i could tell my dad , "i didn't make that decision"..it was strange, but it so helped me ALOT..i got to be the good guy making my care of him easier

If patient feels nervous around certain people, you may want to find some way to step in and intervene in a positive way. You may have to come from several states away or if you know someone living close to the patient, see if you could hire them to step in and intervene. This is going to be what's necessary if the patient is going to stay in their own home. It sounds to me like the person in question is probably gaining the patient's trust in order to possibly gain access to money and assets. This could lead to getting the patient to change any well they may have and make the predatory person the beneficiary. Definitely have a healthy person or two step in to protect the patient, elders are often very vulnerable to being abused and taken advantage of, so definitely call the APS in the patient's area for starters. Make a report and find someway to get to the patient so you can help them.

Snowbird, this is not a conversation i think you can have long distance. A face to face with sis would be best and if mom is not suffering from mental decline then she most certinaly should be a major part of the decision making process. At her age I agree it would be best for her to have a perminate location for doctors etc. Seniors fall it happens but the extent of other factors would determine if she needs 24/7 care. Just one fall may be all it was but if it is combined with other factors then yes a red flag is being waved. Try to think of the overall picture, there are clues there if yoy look. As others have stated you need to work out a plan as a family and in my opinion that is best done face to face, with a mild temper and mom best interests at heart. I only have one question i hope you will answer, who has POA and is there a lot of money involved? We hope to hear from you, and wish you the best.

My mother was very similar. What helped us was getting an in home care person. It took a lot of convincing -finally she bit when we said it was like hiring a cleaning girl. We started out with a few hours a day 3 days a week. Now she has the girl come 4 hours a day 7 time a week. She is happier and so am , Just a thought