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Moved Mom into ALZ Memory Assisted Living.. last Monday 15th. The 1st few days- almost entire week- I grieved like a death.. I went everynight.. 20 miles (one way) after work.. saw her for about an hour to two before bed-- tucked her in.. I know.. not helping her or me.. deal.. but.. we have lived together for over 23 years..since 90'. Its deafening silence at home.. her presence being gone was just like death to me.. Even tho I know she is 20 miles away.. And each day she is literally wearing herself out looking for me.. in down time.. asking everyone and wandering the halls-- by the time I see her after dinner she is totally wiped out. Emotionally & Physically. I have been calming her in her room during our visit-- we look at pictures, play music, watch a movie.. Then get ready for bed.. Brush teeth, get jammies on.. all the things I did at home with her everynight.. She had a Room Mate-- but they moved her out-- yesterday.. just when she was getting used to having someone.. no explanation from Admin yet.. except.. "We are working on a plan" let you know soon.. :-( anyhow.. this week the anxiety goes up and down for her and I.. I only feel good when I know she feels good- and is happy-- But problem is.. she dosent stay happy- and didnt when she was at home either.. some days worse with the disease, anxiety, nad increased confusion, poor hearing, ringing n the ears.. Poor thing.. I feel so sorry for ripping out her only routine that she fairly knew-- (Living at home with meand my Son) .. to the confusing and unknown.. I know the disease was progressing to beyond what I could handle at home.. My Son and I dealt with an in home caregiver for years.. I work full time and he is in High school- we were missing out on so much enriching things in life.. Its not easy.. either way her at home or her away-- Feels to me like I SHOT my foot.. now I want to see she is ok- so to do that I have to drive thru tons of traffic and miss donner with my Son.. and being home with him.. to go to her.. Before everyone was in same place.. I could multi task.. but one thing good is-- my visits are all about MOM and her needs.. where at home it was overwhelmingly busy to maintain house, life.. and she usually didnt get all her needs met-- especially the visiting/talking ones.. and now they are.. I suppose God's plan has to be better than mine.. and thats why he opened up every door- and barrier to get her into this facility.. It was private pay$ and My Mom is on Medicaid -- she is the 1st reciepent of a (Grant Waiver) Combo to pay the entire amount of her room/board.. She and I are paving the way here in our area of Virginia for ALZ Assisted Living care-- option -- rather than Nursing Home.. So, I thank God for this blessing.. and for the Season I have been relieved from and the new season she is being welcomed to.. She truly is a blessing of fresh sunshine into her new community... All Good.. But why do I still FEEL SO BAD... I know... give it more T-I-M-E... all my friends and support all say same thing.. and it has got better.. this week- until her room mate moved.. which upset her and then me.. Its a unique situation that she has lived with me so long.. anyone out there who's Mom has lived with them for 20+ yrs.. going thru this.. separation.. ?? Love to share with you.. and anyone else with caring thoughts... God Bless all of you caregivers.. of your Family... and remember-- take care of yourselves too !!

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Hello All- My Mom is making small steps of progress.. and so am I. I am sad to report- she was handled roughly a few times and it involved an injury (Deep Skin Tear) to her hand and bruising as well as a fall (Not hurt in this TY Jesus)- I had to report the facility- Adult Protective Services came and examined the case and the way the facility had covered it by writing up the incident report wrong.. The policy is to not (HOLD) or force the resident to do anything- as it might result in an injury.. This staff person had been there 2 yrs.. I shudder to think of haw many time she had been rough with others that dont have a daughter visiting every other day.. to see whats going on.. We tried Seraquel small dose AM & Afternoon.. and her non stop pacing the halls like a wild anamal has decreased.. of course the trade off is that she is sleepy alot.. She still gets mildly paranoid- thinks people come in her room and steal clothes..(Not happening) but a (REAL) problem is she is so high functioning-- still able to talk about things.. good communication is 'rare'. As the other residents-- mainly too far along.. Its not a good fit for her stage..population wise on this particular floor- but no other appropriate bed.. So, Im praying and waiting on God to change the situation.. I am going up there every other day-- and its 40 miles round trip-- using 2 tanks of gas a week$$ cant afford this.. I am doing her weekly shower-- since these became a source of problem with the staff not doing them- then when they did it sort of forcefully- her hands were hurt--bruised again.. due to them getting her hair wet and making her upset-- grrrr.. Even when I do it-- it has to be done carefully-- Older people are very particular about how bathing is done.. Praise God he has been helping me get it done each week- as well as shampooing and fixing her hair. I am leaning on my heavenly Father for all the strength and wisdom to handle her as well as the facility lack.. I still miss her being at home to have QUALITY care.. and she deserves much MORE than what she is getting there.. I cant tell you what to do-- your heart must tell you that-- but I have been able to breathe a little easier and be able to go do things with my Son, my Dog and for myself.. that I was not able to do as much..last few years due to having Mom at home.. I still cry and pray for good caregivers to come care for her at that place.. and like I said- I am praying she will be moved to facility closer where I can literally drop in everyday. That would make me so happy.. :-) God Bless you all in your journey.. It is a very difficult one.. write me anytime.. Love to pray with you if youd like too :-) Helen~
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You got that right, captain. Unless you've been through this you have NO idea how traumatic this is on the loved ones. Jackie48, I've already lost ten pounds and still going as I also had to call the authorities, I felt like such a Judas. Five months later, my mother is happier OUT of her house and she's not as depressed. Her situation has worsened but she's more in her own lala land while we watch and grieve.
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This question was typed in April so I am wondering what progress this mom has made. Just as there are no "right" or "wrong" answers, each patient presents with a unique set of symptoms, but common to most. My advice would be to start distancing yourself from the assisted living facility except on the weekends when you don't have a work schedule and you can spend time with your son. Then after you have rested, visit once a week, then twice a month, then down to once a month. This disease is terminal, and there is no one better to take care of you, but you. You also need to be there for your son. My best wishes to all of you.
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there are no right or wrong answers for these situations. the couple of people who got snippy with terrim should respect the opinions of others. in certain cases terrims opinion might be quite valid. i have a friend named betsy who is at a glance rather unremarkable but rich in california street smarts. when i told her recently that hospiss was harking AL to me bestsy responded simply : " your mom does not want to be in a home " she makes a great point. what does the elder want?
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My husband was admitted to the hospital for the 3-day evaluation yesterday. I had to call the authorities. It broke my heart...yes, as another one replied, 'Her mother is now her child'. Well, my husband became my child years ago. They called a little while ago about my plans for him...home or Alzeheimer's unit. I felt so guilty saying he needed to go into the latter. Neighbors have encouraged me 'time to let others take over his care'. I know it's best, but last night was the first night ever that I has home alone. What an empty feeling...I'm so scared for him and for me. My anxiety is on over-drive. I don't know what's next. You feel so alone..and you don't want to bother anyone or impose. It's a big adjustment on both side, but we all know time heals. It was comforting to me to read here that I'm not the only one who feels guilty having to do what we know we must...but we don't want to. I'm starting to cry again.....gotta go.
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Thanks Equinox. That's a good idea. I'll talk to my family about making a designated day for each of us.
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Well we have completed 2 weeks.. and Mom has good days and bad days.. some deal with missing me worse and increased confusion- some have gone over to a panic/anxiety and paranoia state.. She has had some changes in the 2 weeks that I wish had not occurred.. She had a room mate for 5 days- then no room mate for 4 days then a new room mate since Monday-- Too many changes when your trying to stabilize someone mentally sick. I was not pleased with this..but understood it was timing of the new arrival-- they really thought would be a good match--for Mom. This lady while she is very sweet- is just as lost or worse than Mom.. I was there the 1st night she moved in.. I put them both to bed like little kids.. :-) I hear ya @eironman05.. I am backing off this week the visiting to every other day or night.. Usually night.. doing the after dinner tuck in.. around 7p-8p.. I have a hard time getting there before then with working late and son & dog to feed at home.. Really difficult.. I am trying to develop a schedule.. When I do.. it will be much better for me.. I like structure.. Anyhow.. last night was hard.. mom forgot she had a room mate and was all going off on her that she was sleeping in her 'daughters bed' and what was she doing there.. LOL ohh my. So.. the eve shift had quite a tough time letting her burn it all out and finally tire enough to go to bed.. I feel the level she is going to in the upset is not good- for her health.. Her face I noticed was quite drawn in tonight and her leg was swelling a little-- showing she is on her feet way too much-- wandering out of confusion.. I know the disease does this-- but at home she didnt do it hardly at all--- its because of the unfamilar surroundings.. and no way to orient with me.. like she used to do-- calling me several times a day.. SIGH.. I dont like thinking about it all too much or I feel like I did the wrong thing.. bringing on all the undue stress-- BUt the stress was on me too- and it was unbearable at times... critical times.. so.. I have to rejoice.. God has her safe and pray that in more time.. and less changes in her facility-- she will calm down.. God bless you all !!! He is helping me cope better each day... I encourage you to find him, seek him and his holy comfort...
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Eironman05
When my mom was going thru her adjustment at the Nursing home it seemed like
It was taking forever. patience and unconditional love and prayers helped my situation. My moms sister was visiting on a designated day and another family member chose another day. it gave her something to look forward to. Hugs to you!
Equinox
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Dear hvluv2ski - I hope all is going better with you. It is a week today that my mom went into the hospital and then the next day to the care facility. I have called her twice a day and visited with her on Saturday and Sunday. I took her a McDonald's cheeseburger and french fries (she loves McDonald's french fries) on Saturday. The bad news is that today the social worker asked that I keep calling to see how mom is, but not to talk to her again until I see her this Saturday. She gets very upset when she talks to me or sees me (which she did when she was still at home). The good is that there is always a member of the staff with her when she is on the phone to comfort her when we say good-bye. The social worker at the care facility told me today also that she is starting to come out of her shell and is now talking with the staff and some of the other residents of her wing of the facility and not hiding in her room. What a feeling of relief. They said it takes time for them to adjust, but she will. I know in my head that this is the best place for her, but my heart is still sad. I believe in both God and the wonderful people he put on this earth to work at facilities such as where we have our love ones. I hope that you are also finding that your mom is adjusting as time passes. Take care.
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If I had moved my mother out of her house and didn't visit her for two weeks she would've died of heartbreak. That is not always a good idea if you have been especially close to the one with dementia; it may be okay if you haven't lived with the patient. But to cut them off for two whole weeks in the interest of getting them settled is not right. No matter how you do it, it's hard to get them to understand that they can't go home but in time it does come. My mother used to come home with me on weekends, and while she didn't always want to go back, she did because we reminded her that the doctors said she couldn't live alone anymore since her "breakdown." Now, praise God, she considers her new domain to be her home base and doesn't want to "go home" anymore, so it's possible to move them gradually. It also made it easier on me, although my needs did come in second.
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Thanks for all the input.. things slowly progressing.. I have moved to every other day visits.. and it still hurts to hear how she has worn herself out looking for me all day.. I know that mixed in that is some good productive time.. where she is exercising interaction and sharing good news..to all the residents and staff.. she hasnt had opportuity to do this in a long time.. No, its not like Home.. Home is a cocoon and she wasnt living out her purpose.. just being perserved..for me.. Yes, she is in a later stage of ALZ- but God is helping her each day, I see her trying to be brave and reaching out to others.. rather than sulking and being defeated.. God works in mysterious ways.. and I am not he.. so, I welcome this opportunity to watch him at work in me as well as her.. My Son is doing well- he and I are spending time together.. he is learning some lessons in empathy and compassion.. so desperately needed by a man-in- training prior to being released into the world.. So... I am sitting back and watching God do things his way-- a bit unconventional.. but then, he can-
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I know exactly what you are feeling. My mom went into dementia care on 4/25 after a scare that took her to the hospital. She was declare incompetent in the emergency room and my power of attorney kicked in. I have visited her every day and called to check a couple of times a day. It is very, very hard to stop being the primary caregiver. I have care for my mom for the past 2 years and felt that if I tried hard enough, I could keep her on this side of dementia. And I did pull her back more times than I can count. However, I can't anymore. She is more on the other side now. It is a strange feeling when you have to give up the day-to-day care. It was a constant thought always in my mind no matter where I was that I needed to know what she was doing, whether she was safe, and whether she was upset or not. I believe that she is safer where she is and, at least where my mom is, surrounded by caregivers all the time. The hardest part of the whole "disease" is that the person that I have always known is no longer there. The mom that took care of me and that I went to when I had a problem can't help me with this problem - the biggest one I've had in my life. That mom is gone. She was the best mom. I miss her. The person that I have now is very rarely my mom - most of the time my child. I think we have to mourn the mom we have lost. I am going to try to be the best mom to her that I can - and that means the dementia care center where she is. I wish the best for you, Hvluv2ski. Mourn the mother you have lost. Love the mother you have found.
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Do NOT bring her home as terrim suggests. She will continue to forget where she is and with whom she is around and will forget what the daughter and grandson look like. You must take care of your son and yourself. Staff knows how to entertain her and she will meet some new friends soon.
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My husband and I went through separation anxietyt when I placed him in an assistedl iving facility 5 years ago. I also hade a lot of guilt, even though I could no longer take care of him. The thing that helped me the most was counseling, counseling, counseling. I found a therapist that takes Medicare. It took about 3 years for me to get through it, but I finally made it. Perhaps counseling would help you,too. Hopefully, it won't take 3 years. I think it took me so long because of the guilt. God bless both of you.
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"Bring her home. She wants to be with you and you want to be with her. There is no place like home and when she dies, you will be so glad you had her at home."

terrim, Not everyone is wonder woman, like you obviously portray yourself to be. I feel your guilt inducing posts, for people not wiser to you, are not in any way helpful in this discussion. There are a lot of hurting people out there who you just make feel worse. Terrim says, "Have a heaping helping of guilt!" Not every situation, or person, is the same. Get over yourself and your superiority complex. Your advice is not wise nor wanted.
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cap, one of these days I am going to say something so off the wall, you will be forced to agree with me. WhooHoo! xo
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i never agree with christina even when shes right. lol..
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You and your mother are lucky to love one another so much. It must be almost unbearable to endure this change. A few suggestions: She may end up being happier and more comfortable in AL. Give it time and have faith.
She is in God's hands. (We all are all the time, but we forget it.) Right now, try turning her happiness over to God and trust God to work things out.
Take some time to be with your son. The change is probably hard on him, too, and you two need to build your new smaller family. He will be gone from your home, maybe sooner than your mother.
Ever heard of buyer's remorse? As soon as we buy something, we start to wonder if we made a mistake. You and mom are going through a hard adjustment, but the pain doesn't prove that you made a mistake. The pain won't last forever.
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Thanks for this topic. I have also reached the point where I have to make a decision for AL for my mom now 89 years. My life is being taken over and have no time for my husband, children and grandchildren. However, if I think about how she will react, and how do I emotionally deal with it....what do I do?? It's difficult.
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I totally agree with Christina. Please step back and look at the whole picture. Your son always should have been number one. Right now, I'm sure he knows he isn't. You probably should cut those apron strings with your mother. She is safe and being attended to. If you can't accept that then bring her home. But please do right by your son and show him he is who you live for. My mother NEVER told me I was important, that I mattered or that she would be there for me. I STILL feel the sadness of not being of importance to her when I was 13...and I'm now a grandma. It could be emotional baggage for your son and it might affect his relationship with you. It's your son's turn to have your full attention. I wish you well.
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Wrong question - right answer.
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Focus on your son who is beginning his life and needs to know that he is important to you, and that you are interested in the plans he is making for his life. Does he have a strong male role model or is able to see his Father on a regular basis?Living with you and your Mother joined at the hip forever, and now your emotional obsession over being away from her does not sound at all healthy for him.
There are different family lifestyles throughout our country; maybe I am completely wrong in my opinion, and if I am out of line, I apologize, but you may not discover how this has effected him for 10-20 years, and it will. Please get some objectivity, for his sake.
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Bring her home. She wants to be with you and you want to be with her. There is no place like home and when she dies, you will be so glad you had her at home.
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You are not helping your son by obsessing about your mother's care. HE should be your first priority (next to yourself). Have you asked him how this all affects him and his life. I am sure he would want you at his games or whatever he is involved in with school. She will be okay and I am sure the facility is working their best to come up with a plan. Have you thought that she is probably too disruptive for a roommate? Wondering, pacing, wanting to go home are all symptoms of dementia. I'll bet if you did not visit for a month, when you returned you would find a more settled mom. Give her situation and yours TIME to adjust. You will have to do without her sooner or later and the best you can do is take care of your son who is still living and vital, as are you. And no you are not the only person who has dealt with separation anxiety putting their parent in a facility. It is just another passage of life. Now try to focus on your son.
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Thank you for bringing this topic to the table. I'm facing this with my husband one of these days soon, and I'm trying to prepare myself. Can't wrap my head around what it will be like. Really dreading the day. My heart breaks for you! It is like mourning a death. Even though you can still visit, the change is so permanent. This transition may help in re-establishing your own identity and a new way of life. (At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself.) Prayers for you and all of us facing this change.
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Hvluv2ski...What you are experiencing is completely normal and if you weren't feeling this way, something would be abnormal. You have not only taken care of your mom, but you have also been her best friend over the years. I would never suggest that you DEAL...rather..I think you should allow yourself to grieve to over the sadness of not having her there. You have entered into a new phase of Alzheimer's and although unspoken, it's also a part of the sorrow that accompanies the progression of this disease. I'm sure she will get another roommate but it might take a little while. You are lucky that you are allowed to visit her so soon after her move. Many places have a 2 week non-visitation policy. You have to give yourself some time to adjust. Visit your mom...do the things that you used to do when you visit and eventually she will settle in to her new routine. She might even like it as she participates in activities and has more interaction with different people. Also, during this adjustment period, try doing one or two activities that you were not able to do when you were her primary caregiver. Just know that everything you are experiencing is completely normal. Stay involved in life and cherish your visits with your Mom.
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Hvluv2ski,
I can relate. last year at this time my mom was in Nursing home for rehab that eventually was going to become longterm care. it's the hardest thing we as adult children to have to decide. It still hurts, but the hurt is less. Stay close to spiritual guidance to get you through the emotions you are experiencing.
Take care of yourself, so you have a better focus on your moms needs when you visit her. Find the time. It's not being selfish. You must take care of yourself so you can be there for your mom and of course yours on.
Hugs to you!
Equinox
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