Stuck4ever Asked November 2019
Mom moved out. She pushed me to the edge. Any advice?
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I wrote here summertime when mom moved into my house after my sister kicked her out. We fought everyday and she would call me names (5 months) I have kids and a husband and they witnessed this.
One day, family came over packed her stuff and moved her to live with her sister. No contact since, until last week and today. She wants to visit for the holidays. She kept saying “I’m your mother “ (she sounded intoxicated) But I can’t see her, she triggers me. Since she moved out I’m in therapy and have been diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety (and feel like my work has been unraveled). I know she’s my elderly mother that I was suppose to care for, but I can’t handle her. I’m happier when I don’t hear from her.
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Yes, shut the door and leave it shut. When I closed the door it remained closed. It would be a nightmare to open. close, open, close and so forth. This goes for anyone who is insulting, toxic or hurtful, not just relatives but any relationship that isn’t beneficial to us.
Most people wish to be able to work things out with family members but if the other party isn’t capable of doing so, it’s a waste of time and effort.
No point in trying to reason with them. They will take it as an opportunity to promote themselves and insult further rather than listening to what is being said to them.
I no longer waste my time anymore with anyone who only have an agenda of being self centered. It’s liberating to ‘clean house’ so to speak of whatever doesn’t belong.
What you do is you say "mother, you can't possibly live here. We tried it once and it didn't work. You'll have to make other arrangements".
Give her the number for Adult Services in her area. Then shut the door firmly.
She can't say anything that can make you lay down and let her walk on you.
People tend to get mad when we hit the nail on the head.
Stay strong and don't worry about what she says, it is all just manipulation to get her own way.
Great big warm hug and strength!
You are no longer her scratching post.
Okay, so you're rude, SO WHAT!
She is just trying to guilt you into taking her in, DON'T DO IT!
Keep up the good work.
My advice is to say some really nice stuff to yourself before falling asleep. Set your own dreams in motion, you can control your dreams with good thoughts. imo.
Stay strong and don’t allow her back into your life. It didn’t work before and you know that it wouldn’t work now.
Best wishes to you.
If ur ever contacted by an agency like APS, tell them u were abused as a child. That u have chosen, for ur wellbeing, to back out of Moms life. That ur sister has already done it and cut off contact with even u.
Don't feel guilty. Your Mom doesn't. Your family comes first.
Many of us have been in situations where we tried to help others and they refused our help. Many of us have have been with others who have tried to manipulate us. Of course, we can’t allow it.
When others make poor choices they may sadly pay the price by losing those who cared. I totally agree forgiveness does not mean allowing toxic relationships to continue.
We are behind you 100 percent! You have to do what is best for you. It’s a process. Things never get ironed out overnight. Ask this forum how long it took me to see the light! Mom lived in my home for 15 years!
I will forever be grateful to my therapist and this forum because I was so wounded that I became blinded by my situation. I deal with PTSD and scars but you know what? We can live with our battle scars. Scars won’t kill us. Slowly but surely I am getting better. You will get better too.
I know that I made the right choice to surrender my caregiving responsibility for my mom. The weight of the world is off of my shoulders.
Do I grieve for my mom since she now lives elsewhere? Yes, I do but I don’t miss the agony. I don’t miss the confusion, the depression, the anxiety, the guilt of not being perfect, etc.
I grieve mostly for the dreams that would never come true, the dream of me not being able to fix a dysfunctional family.
I do have concerns about this thing or that thing just as you do. In other words, all of the awful ‘what if’s?’ Follow me here, please stay with me...NONE of those things are what is most important. Know that you did your very best to remedy things. They did not respond properly. I went through so much guilt saying that I failed.
I had a fabulous poster on this forum, Lealonnie who pointed out to me that I had not failed. She probably doesn’t realize how much her statement helped me heal but it helped me tremendously! It was the first time I did not see myself as a total failure.
So I will pay it forward by telling you what Lealonnie so wisely told me. You have no reason to feel guilt. You did not fail. You are not failing now. You can’t completely control what happens when you are a caregiver or afterwards. Does that make sense to you?
I’m only trying to share what truly helped me during my struggle. It is a struggle. We go through a range of emotions while healing. I recognize that.
Some move through the stages faster than others. It doesn’t matter if we creep along at our own pace. We can’t rush how we process all of this. We just have to keep moving. Keep going. Keep building our future. Don’t give up.
Oh, the other important thing that Lealonnie told me when I complained that I didn’t get the ending that I wanted was, “It’s an ending! That is what matters the most!” Wise words, right?
I sincerely wish you all the peace and happiness in the world. You deserve it! 💗
Stick to your guns, work on you...I also have PTSD because of all the abuse she laid on me over the years, since I was a child. Therapy helped me, I hope that it helps you too.
Wishing you the very best!
Yes, take care of yourself. You owe Mom nothing. She has made her bed. If sister can no longer care for her its up to her to find a way out. Do not answer the door if Mom shows up. Call the police. Tell them she is abusive and u will not allow her back into ur home. You have children who are effected by her abuse. The police will have to find a temporary place for her.
If u get called saying she is seriously ill, say ur sorry but there is nothing u can do for her. Their are people out there that will get her what she needs. I was a worry wort. Found it didn't help to worry before something happened.
You gave it a shot and it didn't work out. You can't do more than that.
They are probably sick of her garbage and trying to create an opportunity to dump her on you. NO, NO, NO! You and your family do not deserve to be a scratching post for her. She showed you who she is, believe her.
You don't have to welcome her in to your house because they show up. You can say it is not a good time and close the door with them outside. If she is hospitalized she is in professional care and there is not much that can be done, a visit, well if you are not physically well then you can send flowers and a card.
Please get some help to turn off the worries about what could happen. Decide what you will do when things happen and let it go. You matter and this is obviously tearing you up. You don't want to become a statistic.
i try stopping the nightmares but they happen almost nightly. I guess it’s my guilt.
i can guarantee they are tired of her and they definitely dislike me.
thank you for taking time to comment.
You need to relieve yourself of stress. If your Mom is seriously ill then you will visit her for short visits as you are able in nursing home or hospital, hospice. But you need now to stick to your own guns. You need to care for yourself, to apologize for falling ill and being not without limitations. Please do this for yourself so that you can be there for your own life as well as for your Mom. Diverticulitis is NOT a joke. You can perforate your bowel and pass away more quickly than Mom could make it to your bedside (not to scare you or anything; but it is a fact. ) Know your symptoms. For me the diverticular pain is quite unique. I catch it early. I take care of myself. And you must as well. I am wishing you so much luck.
I am sorry that you didn't get a loving mom, but you can have the family you desire. Your children and husband and yourself can be that family. Spend your energy being that family.
Hugs!
nobody understands me but only my therapist. I’m now the black sheep and last night I woke up crying because I was dreaming of my “family “
Since my last post, my mother has contacted me again. Left a message and multiple texts. I chose not to listen to the VM. I was brief with my response in text. I have also decided to block her and my sister. They ruin my days and I am finished feeling like crap. I wish had had that perfect family but it wasn’t in the cards for me. Thank you for reading
Listen, I am now going to call you, “Unstuck!”
Unstuck,
As far as the comments to make you feel guilty goes...
My mom told me, “I would have NEVER spoken to my mom the way you have spoken to me.” She thought it was make me feel guilty. All it did was infuriate me! I promptly told her, “Of course not, mom because grandma didn’t treat you the way you’ve treated me!” My grandma was a sweetheart. My mom was nothing like her mom. My mom has a mean streak.
My mom was lovely in many ways. She really was. We had issues and then became very close but moving her in with us brought out her true colors. She always wanted me to take the blame for everything. I am not proud of all of the arguments. She brought out the very worst in me.
We can be pushed to the limit or as my husband says, “hit our threshold of pain.”
I feel your pain! I cared for my mom in my home for nearly 15 years! I swear I must have had temporary insanity. It’s terribly hard. It’s exhausting. It’s infuriating at times.
It was the worst mistake of my life. Destroyed my relationship with my mother. Placed stress on entire family. I would never do it again.
Let her be. Let go. Take care of you now. Hugs!!!
Mom and I were ok before she moved in. So that makes me sad but while she lived here I was dealing with her and my kids health issues. So it took a HUGE toll on my sanity.
5 years ago I decided I would not spend the holidays near my mother. I was done in by the constant criticism. I would rather spend Christmas Day alone with a book, than a toxic person.
Just tell Mum, "No, you are not welcome in my home over the holidays." Then hang up.
I’m definitely not going to reach out to her. If she does again I have to tell her that she expected me to be available during the holidays when she had family pack her stuff and move out the way she did. I remember she text me” you can have your room back. Thanks”
You don't have to pick up the phone and u can block Mom.
Or tell her " sorry Mom, I need a break from you. I want to enjoy the holidays and it seems we just can't be together without fighting. So, enjoy ur holidays with Aunt."
Yes, she's your mother. She birthed you, that's nice, but respect is a two-way thing. You can't be abusive and cause chaos when you live in someone else's house. "I'm your mother!" is not a pass to crap on her children. It's plain disrespectful and arrogant to treat anyone like garbage and be ungrateful, yet still expect them to house you and take care of you.
Leave her alone and makes sure she leaved you alone. You can't help her and she won't change.
Just talking to my mother or MIL is pointless. They both have some level of dementia and that has sadly caused their underlying basic nasty personalities to get worse. Mother can and does fake it, MIL doesn't even try anymore.
I HATE the holidays. I love having my family around and all that--I just get sick from anxiety of trying not be a "pill' as my DH says. If he only knew how sick to my stomach I get just being in the same room with his mother. Mine too.
20+ years of therapy and somedays I don't think it's helped a single but--but I will probably always be a 'wounded bird'.
DO NOT take your mother back. Help place her in a NH if she has overstayed her welcome at her sister's. Nobody gets a pass on rotten behavior just because they are a relative.
Give her a list of resources that can get her placed.
Also, I'd be curious as to what has transpired since she moved in with her sister. There may be trouble over at her sister's and she's shopping around for another place to stay....sorry, but, I always examine ulterior motives. lol
The recipients of such statements are invariably the victims or those who'd be expected to do the caring (you). Well, the victims of these statements are a daughter (or son) and they're friggin' family too, yet their needs are cast aside. That infuriates me! I had a PTSD meltdown caused by extreme long-term stress, not caused by sweet Mom but by my Twisted Sisters.
Be strong, stuck4ever. You're on the right track. Stay with us, dear. Here at AC, you matter and we got your back.
Thank you so much! Everybody here has great advice and just the tone of comments are very caring. I’m very grateful thank you. My sister kicked her out and sold the house with no return address. Sister texts my daughter and said “I heard things didn’t go too well with mom living there. Hope your mom feels what I felt”. My sister and I never really got along either. I was mom’s favorite she would always say.
I looked up FOG, it’s me 💔
If your mother was introduced to you as the quarrelsome, difficult, hostile uncooperative mother of someone whom you loved and cherished as a dear friend, you would probably feel comfortable holding such a person at a distance, nurturing your friend through her discomfort in dealing with her mother, and objectively managing your reactions to her with a dispassionate and very limited approach.
SO- YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO BE THAT FRIEND TO YOURSELF!
In your place, wouldn’t even consider trying to talk or explain or even acknowledge any of the painful treatment you have experienced in the past. Knowing going in that she will pull the guilt card whenever you get near the truth, don’t give her the reason to do that.
Guilt is unwholesome to be controlled by, and downright disgusting to use as a motivator. DON’T apply it to yourself when she attempts to spread it.
Enjoy YOUR family holidays, and if you and your therapist believe there is an advantage TO YOU to embraceANY connection at some point in the future, do it ON YOUR TERMS, AND ON YOUR TERMS ONLY.
You have been given the gift f realizing that she triggers you but she can’t if YOU ensure that she can’t load the weapon.
May this be your best and happiest holiday season EVER.
I feel so much guilt. I feel cloudy not sure if it makes sense. I tried to tell her I was sad and I will call her next year for a possible visit. I need time to heal. She takes it as I’m ungrateful and cold.
Happy Blessed Holidays to you as well.
"Mom we tried having you here and your actions ruined it. You are not welcome in my home because you don't have the courtesy to treat me or my family with civility and you ruined our peaceful haven with your nonsense. You are not doing it again. You are never welcome in my home, ever."
One time my mom and stepdad were planning to come visit and I was just sick with worrying. They think perversion is how you talk, interact and live. I don't want that kind of garbage in my home. So I tell my mom that they are welcome to come, but only if they leave their filth at home. She gets all pissy, are you telling me you don't want me in your house. Yep mom, I am saying that you have to behave and keep your husband in line or I don't want you in my house. Whew, she went nuclear, oh well mom, you did this not me.
Well she finally calmed down and she said that they were coming. It turned out to be a pretty decent visit and we didn't have to listen to their filthy perverse mouths.
As you say, you worked for the house, she is not entitled to it, she is nor entitled to ruin your home for your family. You are a mother now and your first responsibility is to your family, not her.
I would block her number in my husband's phone and then consider how to tell her strongly enough that she understands that she screwed up both chances, her 1st and last.
Oh, who cares what others think about what you are doing. Let them take her in.
Edit: age usually only magnifies what they really are. Time doesn't change character and the way the tree leans, is the way it will go. You know who she is, trust yourself and what you know about her. No guilt, you gave it your best shot and it didn't work. Happens every day. You can do this!
i will try my very best. I feel like I’m the only one and nobody understands what I’m going through. I buy homeless people snack and water as I go into grocery stores, I take care of animals and cry when I see them suffer. I love my kids so much it hurts. So I’m not a mean person I’m just tired of fighting. You’re right age really doesn’t mature people that don’t want to change. She’s always the victim.
Do NOT pick up this guilt card. Say no and mean it. Come back here for support if you need it!