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Mom is so mean and negative to dad, She tells him she's so sick she can't get up, but when I call or go see her she acts all good and doesn't complain. Lately she has made several dr and dentist appointments, only to call and cancel saying she's too sick to go. She is wearing dad out. They are both 84. She wants him at her beck and call! He does all of the housework, laundry and cooking. It's really hard not to have bad feelings toward her. She is on depression meds. She sleeps 15-20 hrs a day. I see my dad slowly regressing from a very healthy 84 yr? I would like to help both of them live a happier life.

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Unless your dad agrees to allow someone into the house to help with laundry, cooking, clearing, etc. I"m not sure what you can do.

It sounds like your mom could use a medical check up and maybe some psychiatric help. I know it's difficult to get them to a psychiatrist at that age, but maybe her regular doctor can prescribe her something to help her feel better.

ALSO, have her evaluated for dementia. Her regular doctor can test for that in his office. You need to inform the doctor of what is going on, so they know what to look for. Dad may fail to report how she really is.

Often the early signs of dementia comes in the form of being difficult, nasty and irrational. You can't convince a person with that condition to reason. Their brain is making them that way. I would try to find out what is causing her to behave that way. At least with that, you can plan for their care if you know what to expect.
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Great response from SunnyGirl. My dad is age 97. Visiting Angels was a nice company to help your parents. You don't want him to get depressed or sick with all the stress ....
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Your Mom should see a doctor and get evaluated. Perhaps it is just a matter of switching the dosage or type of anti depressant she is on. Sometimes after a period of time the medicine doesn't work anymore or the patient has worse symptoms. My first inclination would be to get her to the doctor and address that part of it.
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If you think she's a danger to herself--she may need to get Baker acted and put in a psychiatric facility for mental health evaluation. What do you have to lose since you sound at your wit's end. The police can Baker act her. It sounds drastic, but you are in a drastic situation. If she's refusing doctor appointment and staying in bed night and day she could get pneumonia or a blood clot from long term immobilization. Eventually she's going to lose the ability to get up and walk. Do you think your dad can change her diapers?
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Bring in a housekeeper one day a week. If mom objects to that, tell her she has to get out of bed and do the work. If she sees another woman taking over her territory, it might just motivate her to move around more.
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My parents are divorced, buy my read on this is that your father is aging well but your mother is not. Don't let him fall through the cracks! If they are together after all these years and this behavior is NEW, or even if it is not, it is too tough on him.
I have a stubborn single mother who is her own worst enemy. I have had many medical and economic issues and have decided to save myself. It sounds like your Dad needs to "save himself ". If Mom is too ornery or has dementia, he will go down with the ship.

I agree that she should have a complete medical and physiatric evaluation. The sleeping might be a sign of overmedication or dementia.

What ever the case may be, I would definitely have a social worker (neutral 3rd party) take a look in.

Sounds like a housekeeper is in order. I am not old or disabled, but I could use a housekeeper!

I hear the other responders. Sounds like Dad is getting very worn out. Parental quarreling is one thing. Him going down the drain with her is another.

Definitely sounds like a 3rd party would help sort it out. Trying to mediate your parents' interactions is a good start. If that fails, call a social worker in. It sounds like your Dad is becoming unnecessarily exhausted because of Mom's behavior.
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My mother has dementia. When I visit her and she has been in bed all day and th enurse says she is fine. , I sya "I guess at a bad time , I ws going to suggest we go to Stbrucks ( her favorite place -- well, seeing as you;re exhausted, I'll just leave you to rest and then I close close the bedroom door.) That somehow get up, put of bed, teeth brushed and dressed and ready to go. It fells mean and tricky but she would otherwise stay in bed for a couple of days when the mood strikes her.Plus she has enough fruit, jello, and grhm crackers in her refrigerator so she doeesn't even have to bother going to the dinng room with the other residents,
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Maybe you need to talk to the doctor about the dosage of the meds? My husband was sleeping all the time, and we changed the time of day several times, didn't seem to have much affect, until we gave him 1/2 the pill at dinner time, now he's as perky as ever. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right dosage and med.
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A social worker is an advocate and will help determine what living and medical options are suitable for their conditions. In addition they typically do all the research to get you to the place that works for you. If you don't know where to find a social worker, call a hospital and ask for their social work dept and get a name and number for your own worker.
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Now may be the time to consider senior housing for both of them. It would stimulate your mother and offer your Dad alternatives and other activities to keep him active.
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