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My Mom and Dad have been living with me for two years. My dad is still with me and constantly asks for "that woman" I ask if he means his wife Palmie and he says yes. I told him what happened and he cries. He did attend her wake and funeral but does not remember. He is constantly asking for her. He will something happened and again I will tell him and he cries as if it is the first time I tell him. I don't know what to day it is so upsetting for him and for myself. Any advise. I do believe he knows something is wrong but forgets what. His dementia has progressed a great deal since my mom passed in February. He is 94yrs old.

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Lou, I am so sorry to read about your mother. I know you miss her a lot and it probably hurts you to have to tell your father again. ((((Hugs)))) Each of us have to feel our way through what is best for our parent. Perhaps you could tell him that she has gone shopping or on a trip, instead of telling the truth. The small lies might feel bad to us, but they can be the kindest way to answer. It is too sad to see them have to start the grief over again each time. If the fibbing bothers you, you can think that you mother is indeed shopping or on a trip on the other side.
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I agree with Jessie,
Just make something up. When my mom kept looking for my dad I just told her that he was at work, at the store, etc. I do the same thing when she asks about going to see her parents (I tell her that they are on vacation). It's so much better than seeing them cry all over again.
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Hi Lou,
I'm so sorry. This is one of the worst things to deal with. In a nutshell, I recommend that people tell the spouse one time about the death and if possible take him or her to the funeral (you did this already). After that, as is said above, make something up and go for distraction. You may want to read this article:

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/telling-someone-with-dementia-their-spouse-died-133806.htm

Take care,
Carol
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For those of us who were taught not to lie, this is a hard thing to do, but remember his reality is different from yours. It's ok to tell him things like "She's gone to the store", or is" visiting relatives", because the chances are, he will forget what you told him anyway. This way he won't grieve for her over and over.
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My Mom died 5 years ago and my Dad has continued to ask for her over the years. The last few months it was getting really bad. No matter how gently that I reminded him that she died, it didn't help two days later. 6 weeks ago, he got terrible agitated and hateful, telling me I kept it from him and he hated me. I could not calm him down. The next month I found a 10 in butcher knife in the living room. He had to have gotten it out. I immediately got him to the doctors and we decided to put him on a medication called seroquel (25mg). It has done wonders. His thoughts are more calming and he accepts what I tell him without him getting all upset again. My Dad is 87. I know there are many opinions on Seroquel, but it has been great for me and my Dad. Good Luck. Also, my Dad does not remember anything bad over the years. In his mind, everything was perfect. :)
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I go through this every day with my mother, at first I felt uncomfortable like I was lying, but as I have been now two years at this I realize it is what it is like so many other things with her alzheimers. I don't try to understand, figure out, rationalize, make sense of anything anymore, I just go with the flow and have learned distraction works best. I just tell mom dad is resting. It is best to just allay fears and make the person comfortable, they forget and ask again, this is part of the disease and like anything else in life you learn how to roll with it.
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My cousin developed early Alzheimer's several years ago and occasionally asks where her parents are and why they aren't with her.on a given day. Her parents both passed years ago of course. Sometimes she remembers they're gone and other times she doesn't. When she asks for them I just say they're shopping or out to dinner and they'll be by later, and this makes her feel better at the time. She never remembers later, and is not upset that they don't come. At first I felt bad lying, but she has her own reality now and there is no point in upsetting her with info she will not retain if I can avoid doing so.
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We've experienced a similar situation with a friend from our church. The couple moved into assisted living. People would go to visit but the wife always said that he was "out" or sleeping, or at a meeting. By the time all the friends figured it out, he had passed away and few had gotten to actually see him. At the funeral it was clear that the wife was in a dire mental state as she wasn't sure why she was at the memorial. Now, people go to visit her but she doesn't know them. The staff at the AL are experienced in this and if she asks for her husband they tell her he is taking a nap, or playing cards, or went to the day room to watch a movie. That settles her down and they know that she doesn't remember anything long enough to think to go and look for him. You are not lying - a purposeful distortion of the truth to someone who has a right to know. You are providing safe mental care for an elderly loved one who is no longer fully in touch with day to day reality and you are lovingly providing a safe mental and physical location.
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I have a similar situation w/Mom. Everyday she gets upset thinking her mother "left her here" (in our home) and wants her to come get her. I have not known what to say. If I say her mother has passed, that upsets her. If I try to just go with it, she works herself up. I appreciate the posts here - I think the suggestions will help. Still wish I could get her to a doc for meds to help calm her.
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I extend condolences to you on the loss of your mother. And I sympathize with the challenges you face with your father.

Since your mother's death was recent, it's no wonder your father's grief still is raw, even if he seems to forget she is gone. If he didn't have dementia, I suspect he still would be quite sorrowful at this stage.

Perhaps he should be evaluated for medication to help buffer his misery. After a few months had passed when Dad died, Mom got depressed. She was sad and anxious and the psychiatrist we saw gave her prescriptions which helped. She needed them for only a few months.

Another thought is to set aside an area on a mantle or shelf as a memorial to your mother -- some place your father would see it every day. Was there a printed funeral program? That could be displayed or, lacking that, a favorite photo with a caption or placard saying something like "Dearly loved. Rest in Peace." Or whatever would resonate for your father. Maybe put fresh flowers there every day.

Good luck and God bless.
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My mother also asks about her mother who died at age 93 in 1976. What I do is send my grandmother on various trips. She is currently in Hot Springs, AK with her sister-in-law. Sometimes she goes to Colorado with my Aunt and Uncle (also deceased.) What I do is take family stories from the past and that becomes a credible explanation to my mother. I even quote my grandmother, "Land sakes, your aunt was in such a hurry to leave on this trip, I clean forgot to tell your mother!" This is very comforting to my mother and keeps her happy.

JulesInCA,
As far as getting your mom to the doc, yes, she does need medication for anxiety. What I suggest is you make the appointment but don't tell your mom and ahead of time fax in a letter explaining what is going on with her and detailing the symptoms you have observed. Then on the day of the appointment, tell your mom YOU have a doctors appointment and need her to come along for moral support. Be sure to give another copy of the letter to the receptionist when your mom doesn't know what you are doing (usually easy to do that with mom seated in the waiting room and you signing in at the window.)

You are now to the point where you are going to have to begin parenting your parent. This is a difficult transition, but you CAN do it. I want to recommend a book that I believe will help you:

"Elder Rage...or Take My Father, Please. How to survive caring for aging parents"
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On a recent visit to my mother in a NH, the first thing she said was "Is dad here? I saw him in my room yesterday". I just said no, not today which she accepted. He passed away in 1998.
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My mom passed away 4 years ago. Sometimes my Dad asks for her. Tell him what happened to here. She had multiple mieloma. He asks me several times. Them he tells me: she died right? I say yes. He says I didn't know nothing. Then forgets the whole thing for some time. I tell him she is in a better place, in Heaven with no pain at all. Now I'm dealing with my Dad's alzheimer. I dislocated my right shoulder. I'm in pain, but I have to keep on.
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My mom passed away 4 years ago. Sometimes my Dad asks for her. Tell him what happened to here. She had multiple mieloma. He asks me several times. Them he tells me: she died right? I say yes. He says I didn't know nothing. Then forgets the whole thing for some time. I tell him she is in a better place, in Heaven with no pain at all. Now I'm dealing with my Dad's alzheimer. I dislocated my right shoulder. I'm in pain, but I have to keep on.
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The best answer could be: "she is resting..." - you are not feeling guilty lying...
But, if he is asking for explanation of how she is resting, you should choose if you want him to suffer (tell the truth!) or you want him just to calm down and move on (keep saying something comforting!)
Remember that sometimes truth can hurt. It might make your dad to go through "delirium" which should be avoided in his condition.
So, vacation, shopping, napping.... anything he will be OK with!
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I don't know why the most helpful link to smashwords was removed, the link for "understanding the dementia experience" by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller, two videos. Excellent, best information I have been introduced to since Teepa Snow. It clearly details thoughtful understanding of the dementia experience, well worth the time to watch both videos. Thanks to whomever very much, very very informative and helpful to me.
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We have people that are looking for their spouse's that have passed away 20 plus years ago. Dementia is a terrible thing that doesn't improve and will not go away. There is nothing you can do other then try and redirect them. Good luck.
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This can be heartbreaking, and happens over and over for all. My mother who is down well into the dementia problems left a great example for me to follow. She would tell my grandma when she called out for grandpa or asked mom to get him or where is he, That he was out putting the team of horses away, or bringing in wood, or helping the boys with chores. It usually satisfied her, but she reacted the same if mom said "mom, he died 19 years ago.". She would say "and you didn't tell me?". My mother spoke of a niece with advanced Alzheimer's the other day and commented "it's the most heartbreaking disease there is". Well, for those who have it are are dealing with family members with it it certainly is!
God bless you and I saw other very good ideas on here, perhaps some will help you.
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Read a book called "Contented Dementia." You can get it as a Kindle for not very much money. It will help you with all these questions, drastically reducing the need for meds.
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I attended a program today about Care Givers. A Professor in Psychology gave a talk on this same subject. She suggested that an effort to explain that to him would only confuse him and he would forget tomorrow an way. She suggested a White Lie. Tell him she is out and will be back soon or she is visiting ---- and will be back tomorrow. That will satisfy him for the time being. Don't confuse him by trying to explain that or anything else to him.
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My mother has dementia also and will ask for my father or where is he. I used to tell her that he passed away 17 years ago, now I say he is at work. When she mentions that she has not heard from one of her friends (that also have died) I tell her that I will call them when I get home to see what they have been up to. My mother realizes that something is different with her thinking process and we just tell her that she has a memory problem and that her Dr. is trying to figure out why. No use in long explanations dementia patients can not comprehend a whole lot anyways. Long as you provide safe and loving care for your father just try to distract, change the subject or tell him that she is out running errands. It is hard to watch our parents get like this, we all get by doing the best we can.
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It makes me so sad ,not to mention the guilt I carry around for not telling my mom about dad passing ,but at the same time dad was dieing from cancer mom was on the other side of the hospital fixing to possibly die from c diff,,I wanted so badly to protect her,,I now worry I made the wrong choice,,I worry she's only hanging on for him,,
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It makes me so sad ,not to mention the guilt I carry around for not telling my mom about dad passing ,but at the same time dad was dieing from cancer mom was on the other side of the hospital fixing to possibly die from c diff,,I wanted so badly to protect her,,I now worry I made the wrong choice,,I worry she's only hanging on for him,,
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I know that the general consensus is to lie to your loved one to avoid causing them undue stress. I don't agree. This can also cause stress. Not only on the part of your loved one... but to you!

I made a habit of telling mother the truth. I was matter of fact, and to the point with her. I was not unkind... nor did I sugar coat the truth for her. When she asked about her folks and why they weren't here for her, I told her they had died DECADES ago! When she accused me of not telling her... I told her it was a bit difficult for me to tell her when my grandfather had died when I was 2!

Did it cause her stress? YES! Did lying to her cause her stress? YES! There is NO easy answer!

DO WHAT FEELS RIGHT TO YOU!!!

If you are uncomfortable lying to your loved one... THEN DON'T! If you are uncomfortable telling them the truth... THEN DON'T!

No matter what you tell them, you're going to feel guilty. So do what makes YOU feel best!

Good luck!
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Dear Lou,
My sympathies to you. First of all I appreciate the care and concern you have for your dad. Since dad's dementia is progressing it is a question of passage of time. In my opinion please keep a nice picture of mom and put a nice garland to it so that dad can see the picture and will realized that mom has gone to eternal sleep. We in India do this. Whoever passes away we will keep a remembrance picture of the person and put flower garland every week so that the soul is satisfied and we also get a bit of satisfaction. I will pray for your family and for your dad.
Lovingly,
Jothi
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There is no right or wrong answer to this dilemma. The surviving loved one should be told at least once and comforted in their grief if they are able to realize the truth. Depending on their state of health they certainly should be able to attend the funeral. If their illness is advanced spending many hours at a viewing will probably confuse and agitate them especially if the mourners are visibly upset. Likewise the actual burrial may be best avoided. Take your loved one home imediately after the service before they are surrounded by other mourners. It is essential to use your best judgement based on your knowledge of the loved one. After the death if the loved does not comprehend it redirection and little white lies are probably the kindest direction to take. Also us discretion about visits to the grave. Nothing wrong in doing it when the headstone is up and the grave site is manicured again you know your loved one best. Also do contact the Dr if the loved one is very unsettled a little medication to see them through may be a good idea. As Jothi suggested a picture of the loved one in happier times may be helpful. Blessings
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I am sorry for the loss of your mother, and your father's memory of it will continue to decline with dementia. When he asks about "that woman" tell him she went to the grocery store or the doctor's office, anything to delay the question being answered correctly. Trust me, he will forget the answer and will ask the question again, and you can repeat the same answer. This will go on until his memory forgets "that woman" and there will come that time.
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I think that you have to see what the person can understand and process. If they have little or no memory trying to explain these events to them will only confuse them. It is better to give them a simple answer and let it go at that. They will forget what you told them a few minutes later and will raise the same question tomorrow and probably frequently. I was at a program for Care Givers yesterday and a PHD Nurse Psychologist gave a talk on this very subject and she said to keep communication simple and with no need for the person with dementia to have to process an answer. She also suggested using the White Lie to get past these problems, and not to confuse the person, who is living in sometime past and is unable to connect with the present.
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Also, my brother died 2 days before Thanksgiving in a different state. Since his sons were having him cremated and plan on a celebration of life party in the spring there was no funeral. Either way we did not tell my mom that he is gone and we don't plan to either. Thanksgiving was extremely hard to get through but my mother never knew a thing........
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Laura why would you intentionally inflict pain on someone over and over again if it can be avoided? I took the "truth" route several times when mom was not nearly as bad as she is now and she cried every time I told her that someone had died. The truth can be so hurtful and if you can avoid it then no one gets hurt.
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